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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > Help me find love poetry by a horrible person
 
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A human heart
Oct 10, 2012

Domus posted:

I've been searching, without success, for a good bit of poetry to read at my sister's wedding. She's requested I do a reading "with (your) special touch to it", by which she means something somewhat subversive and inappropriate. Yeah, I'm an anti-social failure. Anyway, I think it'd be at least mildly humorous to read your standard bit of love poetry glurge that everyone only half pays attention to, and then reveal at the end it was written by someone terrible. Hitler would be ideal, but he was pretty asexual, and not into poetry. Stalin was a decent poet in his early years, but I can only find 3 of his poems translated. Osama Bin Laden wrote a bunch of poems, but again, I can't find any English translations. Librarians have gone "Oh, that's funny", but haven't been able to come up with anything other than a book that isn't in our system. Can the power of goons help me?

Stalin was a noble hero of the people so he doesn't fit your requirements in any case

* # ¿ Oct 2, 2016 11:27
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# ¿ May 16, 2024 19:45
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A human heart
Oct 10, 2012

Domus posted:

I guess I just don't understand the hate. I'm supposed to do something inappropriate. This is inappropriate, without hurting anyone, or even swearing. My sister asked for it, so it's not like I'm doing it out of spite. I'm open to other ideas. And those poems are pretty standard love poem type things. If you actually read them, they're quite mundane. Now reading The Platonic Blow, that would be out of line.

It's just kind of stupid and makes you seem dumb.

* # ¿ Oct 4, 2016 00:23
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A human heart
Oct 10, 2012

Helsing posted:

I feel like it's more in the spirit of Something Awful to give somebody ample rope to hang themselves with, and so I present to you Elizabeth Wettlaufer, a registered nurse, proud mother of three cats, and amateur poet. Oh, and she's been charged with the murder of eight patients. She wrote under the pseudonym bettyweston at allpoetry.com. Please remember all poets are presumed innocent until proven guilty, so this is only the work of a potential serial killer.

These poems are about what you would expect. Some examples:

The sex life of a serial killing cat lady:


Then there's this gem which I imagine the prosecutor would very much like to read out to the jury:


:stare:

I think this next one is more of an attempt to write an, ahem, conventional love poem. It's the closest to what you asked for, but your audience would have to be pretty drunk not to notice just how bad this is.


And here's a nice little easter egg for any Seinfeld fans out there:


I guess it's true what they say.

I don't know if any of these will suit your purpose. If your idea was to read something actually beautiful and then drop the bombshell that it was written by some kind of monster. But you wanted serial killer poetry so here you go.

These poems are all unremarkable and you're not funny

* # ¿ Dec 23, 2016 05:13
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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > Help me find love poetry by a horrible person