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#wokedad child's first date *sitting in front room with child and nervous date, eyeing family album containing photo of the time child as a baby dooked in the sink while being bathed. eye begins twitching, nose begins bleeding* nnnnnrrrrrrg... no... nnnnno child's first date cont alright you two, you have a good time tonight and don't do anything I wouldn't do, like assume someone's pronouns. at black lives matter rally blm supporter: I'm angry! wokedad: hi angry, I'm deeply and genuinely empathetic to the plight of african american communities and would like to know what more I can do to be a better ally in the struggle. vacationtime wokedad: who wants to go to disneyland? kids: yay! wokedad: *pulls up in front of soup kitchen* alright, let's go donate our time. kids: ??? wokedad: hey, many homeless people consider this to be the disneyland of central iowa soup kitchens. first period *bows respectfully, crowns daughter with wreath of laurel* i honor u. looking at senior yearbook *under yearbook picture his quote is "life's a puss and I'm here to f**k!" the younger him pictured in the yearbook photo smirks and winks at him. startled, he throws the book into the fireplace with an angry, ashamed scream* ...that would have worked better if we hadn't turned it into a more enviromentally friendly shadow box last month. meanwhile, #wifeofwokedad *drinks alone in basement* mysterious frankie fucked around with this message at 15:27 on Oct 12, 2016 |
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Oct 12, 2016 15:24
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| # ? May 22, 2024 17:25 |
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child: dad this coffee tastes like poo poo, why do yo ubuy that fair-trade garbage wokedad: *deadpan stare* The percentage of Americans in the prison system, prison system, has doubled since 1985 |
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Oct 12, 2016 15:58
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wokedad: where were you yesterday Chyerril? daughter: *looks startled* I...I was smoking weed at Trevor's house. wokedad: Really? daughter: yeah we... we fooled around too. I think I love him. wokedad: OK then explain this *reveals laptop from behind his back, presses play on a youtube video* [daughter is at trump rally wearing a MAGA t-shirt, pumping her fist] daughter: the degenerate left is destroying america. the false song of globalism is killing our jobs. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!! wokedad: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO |
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Oct 12, 2016 16:16
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Im Ready for DEATH posted:wokedad: where were you yesterday Chyerril?
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Oct 12, 2016 16:22
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AT SCHOOL BAKESALE mom1: I brought peanut butter milk dud cookies where the milk duds look like spiders! mom2: I brought pecan sandies! dad1: I made my world famous red velvet brownies! mom3: I made pumpkin pie rolls! wokedad: I annotated the bake sale website with genius so that readers will have the chance to become educated about all the many microaggressions contained within the text! everyone: ... wokedad: what? ---------------- |
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Oct 12, 2016 16:32
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Wokedad: what do we say when the school resource officer approaches? 5 year old off to first day of kindergarten: hands up! Don't shoot |
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Oct 12, 2016 16:34
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Im Ready for DEATH posted:child: dad this coffee tastes like poo poo, why do yo ubuy that fair-trade garbage ---------------- |
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Oct 12, 2016 17:37
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wokedad: hey son, what's up me: I'm scared that my opinions these days are devalued because of my sexual preferences and race. wokedad: hey scared that my opinions these days are devalued because of my sexual preferences and race, I'm sympathetic and want you to know I'm here if you ever want to talk |
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Oct 12, 2016 17:50
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Ride The Gravitron posted:Wokedad: what do we say when the school resource officer approaches? lol ---------------- |
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Oct 12, 2016 17:50
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"H-here poppa... i got you this 'world's greatest dad' mug..." "Buying sweatshop slave labor products, eh??? the world will know of your sins " *opens up Firefox, TwitLonger is already set as his homepage*
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Oct 12, 2016 22:42
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FutonForensic posted:"H-here poppa... i got you this 'world's greatest dad' mug..." friggin lost it at that last bit |
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Oct 12, 2016 23:04
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son: "hey dad, can I have five dollars to go grab some taco bell with david?" dad: "taco bell? sure thing, here's a fiver for you" *hands his son a piece of paper containing a link to his fiverr account where he will write you an essay about the inherent racism in profiting from cultural appropriation* |
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Oct 12, 2016 23:18
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Don't Woke Daddy
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Oct 12, 2016 23:35
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Im Ready for DEATH posted:wokedad: where were you yesterday Chyerril? lmao |
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Oct 13, 2016 04:41
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my dad worked the night shift so i was always very careful about waking him before 2 PM, lest i get a lecture about the dangers of interrupting sleep cycles and the (cruelty free) belt |
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Oct 13, 2016 05:29
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wokedad: hey do you like updog? daughter: what's updog? wokedad: income inequality, meanwhile 90% of the profits go to the top one tenth of one percent of the population |
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Oct 13, 2016 06:19
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son: I don't need your approval, I love him and that's all that matters, you're just going to have to deal with wokedad: when you have your own place you can do as you want, but as long as you live under this roof you're not supporting Gary Johnson ---------------- |
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Oct 13, 2016 06:22
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Ace of Baes posted:son: I don't need your approval, I love him and that's all that matters, you're just going to have to deal with |
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Oct 13, 2016 12:20
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Child in commercial: Whatever you do... Don't Wake Daddy! *little plastic dad pops up* Children: Oh noo! Aaa! *general laughter* Plastic dad: Actually, eating fish is just as bad for the environment as eating beef. |
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Oct 13, 2016 12:26
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FactsAreUseless posted:Child in commercial: Whatever you do... Don't Wake Daddy! ---------------- |
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Oct 13, 2016 14:57
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*kids watching broad city* broad city: yass queen kids: hahaha dad: cultural appropriation! *picks up tv* kids: daaaaad dad: no, that's cultural appropriation! *takes tv to bathroom, puts in the tub* kids: DAD, STOP! dad: go watch paris is burning and educate yourselves, children *turns on shower, soaking television* kids: watch it on what, dad? dad: go to your rooms ---------------- |
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Oct 13, 2016 15:06
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Ace of Baes posted:wokedad: hey do you like updog? ---------------- |
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Oct 13, 2016 15:56
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*radio is playing b.o.b.'s flat earth twitter rant performed by frank ocean over a white noise machine* son: ugh turn off the dad rock |
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Oct 13, 2016 17:54
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Ace of Baes posted:wokedad: hey do you like updog?
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Oct 13, 2016 18:22
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wokedad boycotts the school play because the idea of the presence of one "Doctor Tomato". doctors can be women too, you sexist filth
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Oct 13, 2016 18:24
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wokedad's house is made from sustainable materials but has no windows because they remind him too much of the glass ceiling
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Oct 13, 2016 18:26
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wokedad: you can never hope to be as woke as me, give it up you fool. dad: it's ironic, isn't it? wokedad: what? dad: at one time "woke" referred to african americans being aware of what was happening in their communities and harboring a healthy mistrust of power structures in america, but now it's used by non african americans to describe a general awareness of injustice & imbalance. wokedad: so? dad: that includes cultural appropriation... wokedad: *takes a knee* m-my liege. *dad begins shimmering and transforms* based wokedad: what you're doing there is ableist. ---------------- |
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Oct 13, 2016 18:31
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wokedad gets the holiday choir concert cancelled due to a threat he gave the music teacher, Mrs. O'Donnell, regarding what he would do to her if his self-written song "When the River Wept", a 20 minute song detailing the forced conversion of amazonian natives to christianity by their white oppressors, was not included in the set list
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Oct 13, 2016 18:33
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wokedad insists on paying more for his cupcakes at the bake sale. "But it's just a regular bake sale Dad! You're embarrassing me!" "You should be embarrassed about the wage gap. Oooh, are those red velvet cupcakes cruelty-free?"
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Oct 13, 2016 18:35
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mysterious frankie posted:wokedad: you can never hope to be as woke as me, give it up you fool.
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Oct 13, 2016 18:53
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mysterious frankie posted:wokedad: you can never hope to be as woke as me, give it up you fool. |
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Oct 13, 2016 19:16
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wokedad: Knock knock son: who's there? wokedad: millions of refugees fleeing a war torn hellscape that US imperialism helped to create by putting capitalism over basic human rights and funding regressive Wahhabi extremists son: I recognize my privileged position and disapprove of US foreign policy wokedad: you're grounded son: thanks |
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Oct 13, 2016 19:20
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mysterious frankie posted:wokedad: you can never hope to be as woke as me, give it up you fool. gently caress |
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Oct 13, 2016 19:26
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Ace of Baes posted:wokedad: Knock knock
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Oct 13, 2016 19:43
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Wokedad: You know, I can see your internet history. Son: Oh my god, dad- Wokedad: I'm not mad, when your going through adolescence, it's perfectly normal to be curious. Son: A friend sent me it, I'm not even into that kind of stuff. Wokedad: Son, you've visited mises.org 59 times in the past month. |
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Oct 13, 2016 23:04
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Dad: Who's your little friend, Johnny? Johnny: Dad, this is Aileen. Dad: So, Aileen...how do you feel about anarcho-syndicalism? Johnny: Dad! Stop embarrassing me! ---------------- |
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Oct 13, 2016 23:26
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Im Ready for DEATH posted:child: dad this coffee tastes like poo poo, why do yo ubuy that fair-trade garbage Lawl |
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Oct 14, 2016 01:05
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Im Ready for DEATH posted:child: dad this coffee tastes like poo poo, why do yo ubuy that fair-trade garbage ☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭ |
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Oct 14, 2016 19:50
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Dad is a patriarchal concept, and so the "woke dad" is an oxymoron. *transforms into butterflies* |
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Oct 14, 2016 23:01
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| # ? May 22, 2024 17:25 |
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Ace of Baes posted:wokedad: Knock knock |
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Oct 15, 2016 01:47
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