VikingSkull posted:

it's all upper deckers and down low blows now

quote:

Sudden movement on the rooftops -- I zoomed in my M16A14 w/ A Cog and fired off a sick double tap on some insurgent wearing velcro shoes, his body sort of just went limp why running & then fell off the roof onto the street lmao. Then I felt sick to by tummy, thinking wow, I just.. killed someone, but I ate a spoiled MRE earlier haha, killing people is loving cool and Im never eading Jambalaya MRE again

2spooky4me posted:

oh boy here we go

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

quote:

For a story that's not a total bummer, I tried to get my driver to take my spot in the turret so I could take a poo poo but, because we took contact and had a couple rounds bounce off our truck, he didn't want to hop out. Ended up taking a monstrous mre/afghan cigarette/rip-it fueled poo poo into an mre bag, rear end hanging over the swinging gunner seat, balls and dick dangling right behind his shoulder. It was a voilent, wet, messy affair and attempting cleanup with only mre toilet paper and the wet nap was a herculean task. The wind caressed my balls as he attempted to fan the smell out by swinging his door just a tiny amount. Midway through cleanup my Squad leader came over to make sure we were okay. He opened the front door and my driver told him what was going on. He shouted, "no he isn't" and proceeded to open the rear door, exposing my tender butthole and swinging scrotum to the harsh Afghan sun. In a true show of camraderie he just yelled "Yeah, I like that," And slammed the door. I was holding onto the bag because I figured I'd get yelled at for tossing my poo poo bag in the middle of a village but after we left I shoved a piss bottle in the bag and chucked it. Some poor motherfucker was really disappointed that day.

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

Humvee poop adventure

Loden Taylor posted:

"What if I'm gay?" I whisper to the darkness, but there's never any answer.

Zeris posted:

Thread title

quote:

For around 6 of the delightful months I spent in Korea, I more or less ended up being the de facto medic for STI testing. I honestly couldn't tell you how many people I saw on a weekly basis or even how many were regular repeat customers, but a few lucky contestants stood out more than the others.

SFC Dickhead was on the downward slope of his career slump towards retirement and, despite having had over a decade of time to figure out the way things really worked, felt the need to gently caress with the medics from his little orderly room fiefdom. Sadly this knuckle-dragging retard managed to catch something from whatever desperate juicy he could pay to pity-gently caress him and came begging for our, or more specifically my, help. Protip: Normal STI testing is done with a specific swab and first thing in the morning before urination, so you get the best possible sampling as whatever creepy crawly has had maximum time to grow in the urethra overnight before being partially flushed out. Sadly it seems that nobody informed the SFC of this stipulation beforehand and it had completely slipped my mind until after the weapon had been rodded off the range, so he had to return the next morning during sick call hours. Also sadly it seems that there was a sudden inexplicable supply shortage of the specific (and more importantly much smaller diameter) swabs, so he got to endure a magnum sized cotton swab being shoved the majority of the way up his dick. Twice.

PV2 Crazy Eyes' arrival to our unit for in-processing was, being a real-life 7 with a bit of makeup, like throwing a chum bucket into a swimming pool filled with tiger sharks. Reports of her first Friday barracks party had her disappearing with 3-4 different guys over the course of the night, and she was acquainted with our sick call procedures by the second week. By the time I was given other responsibilities I had personally treated her on at least half a dozen different occasions, and over the course of our ~9 month tour overlap she had managed to hit a full baker's dozen. Lo and behold while I was on leave between Korea and my next assignment, I get a friend request on Facebook from PFC Crazy Eyes. The first thing that stood out was the fact that she hadn't lied during the first screening about being a former stripper in Vegas before enlisting. But the second (and by far the best) thing was that according to every piece of information available on her social media, she had been faithfully married for at least two years. I didn't have the heart to forward some of the pictures to the dude.

quote:

In the vein of the shitter guy..

Once had a guy in our unit who was in big legal trouble for banging a 14 year old. He had bragged about boning her and said he wanted to marry her and all this poo poo before he got caught sneaking into her house by her dad. Big piece of poo poo.

Anyway while he was waiting on his trial we all made his life a living hell. Called him a pedophile nonstop, smoked the poo poo out of him, punched him in the back of the head when we walked by, standard stuff yah know. He used to cry and say he wanted to kill himself and we'd all laugh at what a pussy he was.

Anyway one night he was on CQ and had left his super retarded Eclipse Spyder in the parking lot with the top down. Me and four of my friends came back from the bars and had to go, so naturally we pissed all over his front seat. poo poo was drowned in pee. The CQ NCOIC was coming back from battalion and saw us and was like 'what the gently caress are you doing'. When we told him whose car it was he just laughed and kept walking.

A couple days later in formation one of my buds asked him 'hey, how's your loving car smell?' He started crying in front of everyone lmao

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

quote:

We caught an afghan terp making phone calls to the Taliban about our patrols. We had lost a guy about 2 weeks ago, and another a few days prior.

I watched some of our NCOs and a couple SF dudes go to town on him for a good 10 or 15 minutes, and contributed a little myself. I didn't feel the least bit bad about it. If we hadn't already reported it to higher, and had a helicopter on the way to take the terp to Bagram, we might have just shot him during the next patrol and said it was an accident or a sniper.

Mike-o posted:

One of our afghan terps straight up ditched us to go who knows where, probably the taliban so he could help try and kill us for showing him porno. He was disgusted seeing naked women and vaginas. He said its gross putting dicks where women pee. Our other terps were cool though and were US citizens.

Mike-o posted:

One of our afghan terps straight up ditched us to go who knows where, probably the taliban so he could help try and kill us for showing him porno. He was disgusted seeing naked women and vaginas. He said its gross putting dicks where women pee. Our other terps were cool though and were US citizens.

quote:

On my second deployment I worked intel at a medium sized airbase in Afghanistan. I had plenty of opportunities to work with the intel cell of the infantry brigade responsible for the area. I got to know a few of the female soldiers, and some of them seemed as interested in hooking up as I was.

I got head on top of a little wooden tower that our aviation unit had built next to the airstrip for relaxing (doing it right). I feel a little bad about sleeping with two married women, both of whom had kids. Five women total. Part of the fun was sneaking them into my B-hut room at a late enough hour that it was unlikely we'd get caught. But it was always a possibility. I never realized what having kids does to tits. drat. I received nudes, and sent a fair amount of totally unprofessional/ethics-violating emails over SIPR.

Reverand maynard posted:

Our company had a lioness team

Wasabi the J posted:

I don't know what to do about a peer that confided in me that he needs help and I don't know that the military healthcare system will actually help.

He lost his kid to his ex wife and has anger issues because he's a tiny guy whos been hosed with his whole life and in the last five years has been hosed by everyone he considered close. He's not a bad dude at all.

I wish I had confidence in the help the military and I have to offer. I hope he turns around every second.

I feel like trying to help is going to be fruitless. I hate this.

quote:

Man I've pissed away literal millions of dollars doing maintenance on various things, skated like a champ, but by far the only thing I'm loving relieved I never got caught doing was forging leave papers.

In Japan around 07-09, it was a loving nightmare. loving sailors stabbing cab drivers every 8 months, some dumb fucks on our base decided to run a train on some local chick then pull a bang bus and dump her a few miles from her house. Oh and the coup de grace that hosed me out of seeing Arch Enemy in Fukuoka was some Gunny in Okinawa loving a 15yr old with the parents blessing

Anyway after all that bullshit, MARFORPAC got hosed real hard with some absurdly restrictive liberty restrictions, with the only real way to stay out past midnight being via leave papers. Even our liberty cards were under lock and key because our oval office failure of a drill instructor squadron gunny would show up every loving night on Friday and Saturday and watch the duty take inventory of the cards. So my roommate started to take leave to skirt this poo poo. And I uh kind of noticed I could easily edit the PDF on my computer and adjust the leave dates accordingly.

This prompted like half my loving shop begging me to forge leave papers, which being the loving idiot I was, I did gladly. I forged probably well over 60 days worth of fraudulent leave paperwork to hook up the dudes in my shop, over the next 6 or so months before I PCS'd. I did however approach this somewhat intelligently, as I only did it for a select few individuals, and threatened to cut them off immediately if they even loving whispered it to another person. The 7 people I did this for never said a loving word and I never got busted. Pretty sure my rear end was loving grass if I ever did get caught

quote:

I jerked off to the debate tonight and came so hard I nearly hit my TV. lol

Wasabi the J posted:

I don't know what to do about a peer that confided in me that he needs help and I don't know that the military healthcare system will actually help.

McNally posted:

I can say that trying to get help isn't actually worse than not trying at all.

Unfortunately sometimes it's the same thing; maybe your buddy will have better luck. Tell him to try.

Wasabi the J posted:

Were going to the brain doc tomorrow. I told him he's the one who has to take the steps but I'll walk with him every step.

I just hope the motherfucker gets help and that I can sleep.

loving life man. Wish all of you a good night.

milk milk lemonade posted:

You're a good man