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SkaAndScreenplays posted:I done goofed and forgot to click 'Submit' on this TD entry... The general sense I got was that this doesn't at all sound like a 6-year old. I guess that was a common problem with stories that week. Internal thoughts like "Shouldn’t be too hard to get around that one." or spoken dialogue like "“he wasn’t yours to give away so you have to bring him home.”" don't work. You also have to tailor your dialogue to the mood of the kid. Children, when they are angry, are not going to be thinking or talking logically. A 6-year old is more going to go "BUT HE WAS MINE," and then just repeat that. One thing you might try is google "(AGE OF KID) explains *" and watch the youtube videos of kids that age talking about a given subject. The way they ramble is really hard to replicate, but it can give you a sense of how they talk about things. I'll agree with flerp that "“He is a professor of scientology that loves hunting cavemen.”" is probably your best line here. The bartering part seemed unnecessary. It was too complex for a 6-year old, but also I just don't think it was needed. We get that she likes the stuffed animal without that. In terms of the story itself, you can summarize it as "kid loses stuffed animal, works to get it back, ends up giving it away to another kid, changed." I've read that story a lot, and this doesn't really do anything new, so this story is pretty dang forgettable. A few final comments: The mom comes off as over-the-top unlikable, I agree the narrator's voice being drastically different than the kid is jarring, and I think you could cut big chunks of this and not lose out on the core of the story.
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Feb 27, 2017 00:38
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| # ¿ May 7, 2024 03:31 |
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