- flerp
- Feb 25, 2014
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quote:
first of all, don't put your story in quotes, its just obnoxious and helps literally nobody
Zoe eyed her mom with the kind of disdain normally reserved for adultisms about finishing her peas for the sake of straw children starving in Africa.
“Where’s Professor Pierre O. Dactyl,” she asked. “He was right here on the couch waiting for me to finish my homework and now he’s gone.” missing a space here Anger boiled up inside of her like magma in a volcano,this comma should be a period. “what and accordingly, "what" should be capitalized did you do with him?”
“I thought he was one that you were donating,” the dismissive reply only stoked the flames anger, this is kind of an edge case, but i think this should be a sentence (aka the perceding dialogue should be a period and this sentence should end with a period) because it's not a tag, it's a reaction. the general rule to dialogue is, if you are going to put a tag, then you put a sentence inside the quotations. if you are going to put an action after the dialogue, then it needs a period in the quotations. “I dropped him off at the thrift store with the rest of the toys you weren’t playing with.”
Zoe screamed for a solid thirty seconds at her mother’s nonchalant admission of betrayal,period. this ends an action “he was my favorite,” she bellowed,this should be a period because the perceding sentence (he was my favorite.) is a complete sentence. only continue with commas if you break up a complete sentence in the middle (i.e. "Hey, I think," she said, "You should punctuate dialogue correctly. “I was hunting cavemen with him two hours ago!”
“I’m sorry honey,” the apology fell on deaf ears, ok im done critiquing dialogue punctuation errors because itll take all day, but its pretty hosed up you wrote a story that has so much dialogue and you dont even know how to punctuate it correctly. “but if you ask me you’re too old to be playing with stuffed animals anyway.”
“Get him back!” Zoe huffed, stomping her foot to show her mother how serious she was, “he wasn’t yours to give away so you have to bring him home.”
Her mother laughed in the condescending way all adults do when they know they’ve screwed up but are to stubborn to cede the moral high-ground. the narrator voice is a bit odd -- it's not Zoe's, but its childish, which feels not quite right to me. It's more aware than I think an actual child would be but idk
“The thrift store is only a mile away,” Zoe braced herself for one of her mother’s impossible compromises, “here’s five dollars. If you can get yourself there you can buy him back.”
“I’m only six,” Zoe’s anger had morphed into incredulity telling. this is shown through dialogue., “how am I supposed to do that when you don’t let me go past the corner alone?” ummm yeah this is a good point
Her mom knelt down looking her in the eye, “well if you hadn’t been such a brat about it and asked nicely I would have taken you myself. Now you’re on your own so figure it out.”
“Urrgh,” Zoe stomped up the stairs plotting her revenge the whole way.
She’d past perfect. why? just use "she was" been pacing in her room well past her bed-time before coming to an epiphany.
I can’t go past the corner alone, the word rang in her head like a trumpet heralding her victory this is an odd metaphor, mostly because this metaphor i would ascribe to her coming to her solution, but the "i cant go alone" isnt really the solution but the problem.
Alone, she mused, Shouldn’t be too hard to get around that one.
The next morning at school was a flurry of Byzantine deal making the likes of which Fritchie French Emersion had never before played host to. yeah see this voice is just wrong. it felt childish but how tf is a six year old kid going know wtf a Byzantine deal is or fritchie french emersion??? like i dont even know that and im like twelve
She’d traded her weekend caring for the class guinea-pig, to Lazy Lizzie Linski for use of her bicycle.
For the meager price of 5 chocolate milk vouchers Zoe convinced Terry Thompson to act as a chaperone. Surely a fourth grader could be trusted to usher Zoe a mile down the road.
The last bit of bartering was the most painful.
Zoe didn’t like Felicia Flores one bit but she was the only person in their grade with a smart-phone. So dire was her need for a GPS that forfeiting ownership of her coveted holographic Dancing Dogs binder to a lousy tattle-tale felt like a bargain. i mean, i dont really actually care about this bargaining, i guess because i dont rly care about this kid? like, her toy got sold but i dont feel much reason to actually like care about the gift and the conflict hasnt really done anything interesting for me. it was just yelling at the mom and there's been no particularly engaging action to get me invested.
Having secured everything she needed to achieve the impossible comma here, prob the rest of the day flew by. With her or the or something borrowed phone in hand and rented bicycle in tow she boarded the bus home ready to return Pierre to his rightful place at her side. Neither of her parents were home before she arrived. Terry needed fifteen minutes before he would be ready to go so Zoe took the time to leave a note for her Mom; stopping to admire the professional tone and general lack of spelling errors.
Dear Mom,
Going on a high-risk mission to extract a V.I.P. (Very Important Pterodactyl) ok i midly chuckled at this from hostile forces at Sack’s Thrift Avenue. I’ve conscripted the help of a local (Terry Thompson) as my guide. I’m sorry for being mean, you are nice to me when I make mistakes and I should be nice to you when you make them too. hmmm i guess the tone of this is supposed to be funny because its a six year old kid, but idk, using words like conscripted is just a little too jarring. maybe itd be even funnier if she was like oh yeah i got this professional tone and its like really childish or silly or bad or idk. i guess it feels maybe off too because i didnt feel like this story was funny and if it was supposed to be funny the whole time then uhhhhhhhhhhh you hosed up
Be back soon,
Zoe
Terry wasn’t chatty on a good day; apparently less so on company time. The GPS from that no-good snitch’s i dont rly like this no-good snitch phrase -- it feels off w/ how the narrator is talking phone had more personality than he did. The only voice on their trip came in the form of a debonair British gentleman providing turn-by-turn directions. With not a word between them Zoe and her escort arrived at Sack’s.
Sack’s Thrift Avenue was the best. It wasn’t one of those stuffy outlets with boring clothes and sterile playthings lined up on shelves. Toys from the thrift store came complete with battle scars and tragic backstories; everything here was one-of-a-kind.
Zoe approached the extraction of Pierre at a liesurely pace that would be her undoing. Eventually spotting the pterodactyl perched atop a pile of inferior beasts with missing eyes and questionable upbringings. A tiny hand raced her own to the top of the heap. With a triumphant howl Zoe rescued Professor Dactyl from the clutches of a sad little boy with watery eyes and a quivering lip. The boy just sat quietly. His sad eyes followed her as she sauntered triumphantly to the registers.
She swapped the old lady at the counter five dollars for her prize and the warm-fuzzies that came with beating her mother at her own game. The victory would have been much sweeter were it not for the snot-nosed kid eyeing her like she’d kicked his puppy. Zoe pushed the thought of him to the back of her mind as she made for the exit.
The walk to the door wasn’t as triumphant as Zoe had anticpated. Her feet seemed to get heavier with each step, her eyes unable to look at anything other than the toy she had worked so hard to save.
“He didn’t even cry when I snatched you…”
She looked Pierre for guidance, then to the boy, and again to Pierre.
“Fine… traitor…”
With huff and a groan she turned back to the checkouts.
“What’s your name?”
“Wawltur.”
“Well Walter this…” the child’s eyes flashed bright on seeing the stuffed pterosaur, “is Pierre O. Dactyl. Can you say that?”
“Pair o daddle.”
“Close enough,” She held Pierre in her open palm like some priceless artifact; taking a moment to admire the stains and stitches incurred in the grizzly Unicorn Revolt of ‘02.
“He is a professor of scientology that loves hunting cavemen.” this is good kid talk, actually. it just feels like a kid saying big things that they dont understand because they heard it somewhere else
Walter blinked in amazement.
“Not historically accurate, I know... but it makes for good drama.”
Unsure of what was unfolding Walter’s dumbfounded stare turned to Zoe.
“Anyway he’s yours now,” Zoe shoved Pierre into the welcoming arms of his new keeper, “take care of him because he’s taken care of me.”
Satisfied at the enthusiasm with which Walter hugged Pierre she turned to leave.
“Oh poo poo,” Zoe covered her mouth ok no im sry a six year wouldnt say that like seriously. i mean im not saying a six year old wont say poo poo because who hasnt heard one of those stories, but not "oh poo poo" when they see their mom like theyre an adult or something. Shocked by the sight of her mother standing over her and at having cursed within earshot of her. i mean, why is she surprised. she literally gave a note to her mom
“I’ll overlook that one,” her mother’s voice rang with pride, “but only because that was a very nice thing you did.”
“I know,” Zoe muttered to her shoelaces, “It still sucks.”
“Well I’m proud of you,” Zoe’s mother hefted her up onto her shoulders, “let’s go to the bookstore... You can pick out whatever you want.”
Zoe met her mother’s offer with cautious optimism.
“Really?”
“Yep,” her mother looked up, “you’re going to want something something end on a high note to read while you’re grounded.” [b]i stopped making comments because i dont have much to say.[b/]
i mean, for a story, it exists. like, there's a conflict, the character does things to solve the conflict, and it reaches a satisfactory conclusion. that's about all it is, which is a bit of a shame.
i find it hard to critique because theres nothing else to it beyond the surface level of this story. the prose could be better, the errors could not be there, but i didnt find anything too eggregious. the kid's voice was a little off at times -- while they were a few points it hit the right level of kid trying to sound smart, it was mostly "yeah no this kid would not talk like this." the dialogue wasnt awful, but i wasnt really enthralled.
but yeah, theres really not much to say about this because it kinda just does its story thing and the ending is probably the best part if a little trite. it shows some character development and stuff, but i kinda wish the story behind it was more fun or entertaining or had some kind of depth to it other then "kid wants their toy back"
i guess one thing ill say is i dont really like some of your prose and i cant quite pinpoint what bothers me. i guess, in the context of the story, some of the words just feel too "big" if that makes sense. like, just read this paragraph that bothers me
quote:Zoe approached the extraction of Pierre at a liesurely pace that would be her undoing. Eventually spotting the pterodactyl perched atop a pile of inferior beasts with missing eyes and questionable upbringings. A tiny hand raced her own to the top of the heap. With a triumphant howl Zoe rescued Professor Dactyl from the clutches of a sad little boy with watery eyes and a quivering lip. The boy just sat quietly. His sad eyes followed her as she sauntered triumphantly to the registers.
like, i understand its third person, but its very focused in on Zoe's perspective (who is six, which i think you forget at times) that it feels wrong to use so many words with a lot of syllables. but not only that, it also feels like youre trying to make something feel more impactful then it actually is by usually these emphathic words. like, its very dramatic but not in a good way, but in an overdone way. it feels like the moment is actually dramatic and more like youre trying to tell me "THIS IS THE BIG DRAMATIC MOMENT OK." so, id be careful when you get to those moments where you might be going a little overboard. in some cases, it's better to pull back, and for me, i find understatement to be a lot better and establishing drama then big long phrases. its a very effective tool that this story doesnt really use.
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Jan 10, 2017 10:14
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