- FutonForensic
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The remaining 90% of my brain has been unlocked, and my muscles ripple with an unbridled energy. Once impenetrable roadblocks in my life part like gossamer. I finally "get" anime
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Dec 2, 2016 15:37
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 24, 2024 00:09
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- FutonForensic
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the condition of my prostate is immaculate. my first exam will look like the Sistine Chapel, but instead of Adam it's my proctologist, and instead of God it's a big blown-up .jpeg of my prostate
 
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Dec 2, 2016 15:38
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- MrWillsauce
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you look behind you to see the doctor clutching the blown-off stump that was his index finger
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Dec 2, 2016 15:41
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- MrWillsauce
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I drank a bottle of nyquil and a bottle dayquil and now I can turn back time
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Dec 2, 2016 15:46
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- FutonForensic
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I downed a whole bottle of fish oil and now everything in the ocean wants to gently caress me, which I'm okay with because human women aren't really into a guy whose breath smells like fish oil
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Dec 2, 2016 15:50
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- Android Blues
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after the birth of my child, i can't kick my by-now-crippling pregnancy vitamin habit. my hair gets longer and glossier with each fistful of them i shovel into my hand and then shovel, using my hand, into my mouth. my wrist, neck, and other points of peak blood pressure have developed tiny heartbeats of their own. my spine is starting to kick
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Dec 2, 2016 15:55
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- Android Blues
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I have "pregnancy brain". No, it's not that dubiously scientific thing where a pregnant woman turns stupid because of the baby distracting her tummy. It's the huge, individuated heartbeat brain I have, and play Mozart to to make smarter, thanks to my 100/ a day habit of pregnancy vitamins.
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Dec 2, 2016 15:59
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- FutonForensic
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I can't get the same high off of gummy Flintstones anymore. I've had to step it up to eating real live Flintstones
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Dec 2, 2016 16:02
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- FutonForensic
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with my body supersaturated with copper, zinc and chromium, i have finally become more machine than man. mom, dad, that's why I've decided to marry my Autoblow 2
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Dec 2, 2016 16:19
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- Android Blues
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Nytol? Try Nytolways. I use their Anti-Snoring Throat Spray at a dosage of ten thousand sprays/Kg body weight. I have begun to do "inward snores", which impart sibillant knowledge into my brain for a period of several hours over deep REM. Partners and nearby sleepers merely hear a sound like a snake quietly shedding its skin. I now know how to tie knots, balance my budget, and access the primal self.
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Dec 2, 2016 16:21
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- FutonForensic
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This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the Claritin-D, your nasal congestion ends. You wake up in your bed and breathe however you want to breathe. You take this handful of Sudafed, you stay in Walgreens and I show you how deep your sinuses go
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Dec 2, 2016 16:33
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- alnilam
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This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the Claritin-D, your nasal congestion ends. You wake up in your bed and breathe however you want to breathe. You take this handful of Sudafed, you stay in Walgreens and I show you how deep your sinuses go
The scene where they suck the bug out of him with that weird device but they put it on his face and it violently removes a nasal polyp he didn't know was causing a lot of his chronic congestion
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Dec 2, 2016 16:46
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- FactsAreUseless
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Do you have any idea how much calcium flows through my body at this moment? And you would stand in opposition to me? Pathetic... you can no more stop me than you could stop a mountain made of pure calcium. My bones are harder than steel. My fingernails are the strongest blades known to mankind. Osteoporosis? Menopause? These things mean nothing to me. Nothing! You believe being pregnant would leech the calcium from my bones? I could have a thousand children and still my bones would be able to withstand the deepest oceans. And you stand before me and you will not surrender? Then you will die.
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Dec 2, 2016 17:28
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- social vegan
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you look behind you to see the doctor clutching the blown-off stump that was his index finger
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Dec 2, 2016 18:55
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- social vegan
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*fills crop with diamonds to help break up bigger pieces of food*
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Dec 2, 2016 19:15
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- Farecoal
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There he go
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i just drank 76650 bottles of 8-Hour energy so i think I'm covered for a while
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Dec 2, 2016 19:23
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- Macnult
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you look behind you to see the doctor clutching the blown-off stump that was his index finger
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Dec 2, 2016 19:28
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- FactsAreUseless
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I've created a machine that produces one Five Hour Energy every four hours. Finally... infinitely sustainable energy!
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Dec 2, 2016 20:05
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- alnilam
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I have taken enough ginseng that I not only remember every moment in my life, but the memories of all of my predecessors as well.
I think Borges wrote a short story about you
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Dec 2, 2016 21:54
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- Captain Splashback
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BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
SPLASHBACK HOLDINGS LTD
PUCKINS AND PRINTERS PURVEYORS
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i take so many vitamin d caplets per day that i poo poo sunshine. if you want to know what it looks like when i poo poo, imagine alderaan exploding after the death star lasers it
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Dec 2, 2016 22:08
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- bean mom
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i take so many vitamin d caplets per day that i poo poo sunshine. if you want to know what it looks like when i poo poo, imagine alderaan exploding after the death star lasers it
I dont have to imagine it! i was there!
because i took so many vitamine E supplements I can SEE FOREVER IN ALL DIMENSIONS IN ALL REALITIES
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Dec 2, 2016 22:09
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- bean mom
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I dont have to imagine it! i was there!
because i took so many vitamine E supplements I can SEE FOREVER IN ALL DIMENSIONS IN ALL REALITIES
I'm sorry all the vitamin E in my system blocked my eyes from posting correctly,
i have so much extra, luxuriously silky skin pls help
i'm like a lubed up cronenberg
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Dec 2, 2016 22:22
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- Captain Splashback
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BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
SPLASHBACK HOLDINGS LTD
PUCKINS AND PRINTERS PURVEYORS
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Original explosion or the digitally remastered one?
Digitally remastered but with more chunks, ya know? You know the asteroid belt in our solar system, yeah? Vitamin D, baby, yeah!
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Dec 2, 2016 22:26
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- Scaly Haylie
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it started with flax seed and I wish to god it had stopped there. but no, there is always that insidious pull to go further, to replicate that first staggering hit of fiber and omega-3 fatty acids. grinding them up and snorting them was a no go. the suppository route was tedious and unsatisfying. what worked: sprouting those fuckers. a bowl of flax sprouts is like flax seed on crack (admittedly I did mix them up with a bit of real crack just for flavor). a bowl, two bowls, three bowls: my life counted out with spoons. the craving to up the ante returned, would not go away. so I let the seeds sprout longer, turn into small plants, and then bigger ones. I now eat bales of flax every day and it's goddamn amazing. my blood is now nearly pure linseed oil. I poo poo tablecloths. I am basically a horse.
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Dec 2, 2016 22:56
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- Bacon Taco
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Now with extra narwhal meat!
HAIKOOLIGAN
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I took 2 Viagra and I have an erection that has lasted far longer than four hours. Try since 2003. On the one hand I can sex 24/7/365, but on the other hand it's really difficult to pee!
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Dec 2, 2016 23:27
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- social vegan
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I took 2 Viagra and I have an erection that has lasted far longer than four hours. Try since 2003. On the one hand I can sex 24/7/365, but on the other hand it's really difficult to pee!
I took 3 Viagra before I asked my boss for a raise and now I'm CEO
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Dec 2, 2016 23:28
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- FluffieDuckie
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I've created a machine that produces one Five Hour Energy every four hours. Finally... infinitely sustainable energy!
Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!
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Dec 3, 2016 00:01
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 24, 2024 00:09
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- Farecoal
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There he go
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i took what I thought was Viagra, but then i looked at the label and it turned out it was nega-viagra imported from the underrealm! gosh, there was so much egg on my face when i went back to my girlfriend, and pulled down my pants to reveal a black all-devouring portal to His Domain!
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Dec 3, 2016 00:41
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Dec 2, 2016 15:37
<3 
<3 Vanisher 
