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Motherfucker posted:Hi, recently I pledged my service to the eldar gods, specifically cthylla daughter of cthulhu (its 2016, ok) but the problem is the pulsing vein-like slug growing under my eyesocket is not only making it hard for me to pick up chicks but also I'm starting to hear screams and see stuff that I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't supposed to comprehend, its starting to cut into my social life and plus I've started hucking up fistfulls of maggots with human faces who demand I find them hosts in a demented chorus of voices. How do I keep it 'real' I guess is what I'm asking? haha Just keep The Rules and you will be fine, fool. Everyone, just Keep The Rules and we can all go about our respective evil wizard businesses. I've taken the liberty of inscribing The Rules on everyone's eyelids, there's only a handful of them and they're mostly about courteous driving techniques and social justice. Basic stuff, really, but they must be maintained at all costs or we're all gonna have to get used to non-Euclidean geometry when the Seals are broken and frankly I can't deal with that poo poo like I used to, I have a very sensitive stomach.
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Dec 30, 2016 02:53
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:You may want to see about getting an evil illusionist to do something about the spirit fire. Dang. I was hoping to avoid illusionists; they always make things weird. Just kinda too flirty in the bad way.
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Dec 30, 2016 04:33
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Is it OK to have load bearing columns of bones in your evil lair? I'm not a necromancer so I can't exactly ask all the skeletons whether they drank milk or had osteoporosis and poo poo
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Dec 30, 2016 05:01
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Just keep The Rules and you will be fine, fool. lol, honestly you lawful types can suck an elder cock, all the other councilors totally knew Aatrekon was "summoning" underage nymphs. Jeremiah Flintwick fucked around with this message at 05:17 on Dec 30, 2016 |
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Dec 30, 2016 05:13
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Colonel Cancer posted:Is it OK to have load bearing columns of bones in your evil lair? I'm not a necromancer so I can't exactly ask all the skeletons whether they drank milk or had osteoporosis and poo poo Nah, just reinforce it with stone or metal up the middle. Raise a spirit of an OH&S inspector, its done wonders for my lair and thanks to their knowledge I used my dark powers to posses a bunch of his contemporaries, their workplace practices ensure I'll have fresh, working age corpses to raise forever even in supposedly first world conditions, Mwhahahaha!
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Dec 30, 2016 05:35
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Honestly, I'm going to have to look at your THAC0 before we do any seriously discussion.
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Dec 30, 2016 05:53
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i feel very safe in my black tower where i sit around and cast spells all day. i have enough food to last forever and i locked the front door so no one can catch me unawares. i put the key to the door inside one of my skeletons who is a slightly different color and slightly stronger than the rest. i put him on the trail leading up to my black tower in case i ever accidentally lock myself out.
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Dec 30, 2016 06:00
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Zartosht posted:lol, honestly you lawful types can suck an elder cock, all the other councilors totally knew Aatrekon was "summoning" underage nymphs. The Laws are all that stand between you and eternal non-Euclidean vomiting, maggot. Keep them. Do what you will otherwise, but keep The Laws. Catpants McStabby posted:Honestly, I'm going to have to look at your THAC0 before we do any seriously discussion. Serious question? What if you are a punch or muscle wizard? Atma posted:i feel very safe in my black tower where i sit around and cast spells all day. This is a good plan.
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Dec 30, 2016 06:22
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For my own reasons I like to stay as close to True Neutral in my alignment as possible, but I tend to automatically *do the right thing* by others whenever I'm asked for help, and so sometimes as aa result that makes me come off as more Good-aligned than I really want. I've finally worked out a system so I can reach my evil quota for each day: Avoid people at all costs so they can't ask me for help. Beat myself up in the nether regions until reagents come out. Wear offensive, dirty, or abrasive clothing. Accessorize to look mostly like an rear end in a top hat to anyone who doesn't know you (which should be everyone). Don't call your mother back and make her worry for over an hour. Smoke weed every day and get loud whenever drunk. Think about doing a crime really hard. Become a mooch upon society and post on dead comedy forums. Any more pro-tips for minor evil acts?
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Dec 30, 2016 06:47
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I accidentally left the secret exit that leads back to the entrance of my dungeon so that I don't have to backtrack open, and adventurers entered my loot room and took everything. I didn't have all of my art pieces and magical equipment listed out or appraised for value, how should I go about contacting my dungeon owner's insurance to try to get at least some of the value back from what was stolen?  e: Most of the equipment was cursed, iirc. Does the insurance fully cover the loss of cursed items, or do they devalue them due to the curses?
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Dec 30, 2016 07:41
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Commoners posted:I accidentally left the secret exit that leads back to the entrance of my dungeon so that I don't have to backtrack open, and adventurers entered my loot room and took everything. I didn't have all of my art pieces and magical equipment listed out or appraised for value, how should I go about contacting my dungeon owner's insurance to try to get at least some of the value back from what was stolen? Oh they covered this in one of the optional workshops last year but you might have missed it because they had the soul swapping seminar at the same time. It's important to turn towards an (imaginary?) audience and say "...just as planned" in a low, sinister voice with your fingers steepled and an evil grin on your face. It won't get any of your poo poo back but it makes you feel a lot better. Doesn't matter if anybody sees you do it, doesn't matter if it's actually true. I wouldn't even gently caress with the insurance if you don't have your ducks in a row, I mean consorting with nether beasts and eldritch horrors is one thing but those insurance guys are bad news.
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Dec 30, 2016 08:00
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Commoners posted:I accidentally left the secret exit that leads back to the entrance of my dungeon so that I don't have to backtrack open, and adventurers entered my loot room and took everything. I didn't have all of my art pieces and magical equipment listed out or appraised for value, how should I go about contacting my dungeon owner's insurance to try to get at least some of the value back from what was stolen? Do you have the Wizard Plus plan or the standard Evil Overlord package? Because I believe Plus covers cursed objects. (Although I hope you extended the coverage to liabilities because, get this, if the adventurers suffer physical or mental harm from use of the objects (which they stole), the adventurers can come back and sue you for damages.) Fortunately you can remove the deductible from your taxable income if you're on the Plus plan, up to 2000 gold coins if you're in good standing with the Evil Magic-Users Society. The Evil Overlord plan might cover cursed weapons (not armor, accessories, art, etc.) but even then the deductible can't be written off. There might be a loophole there regarding the lethality of the objects in question which could merit their reclassification as weapons, but you'd have to consult EMUS or a lawyer. Edit: wait, are we talking curses or hexes here? Ugh hold on *conjures tomes labeled "Legal Glossary of Enchantments Vol 4" and "Arcane Insurance"* you might want to summon a chair
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Dec 30, 2016 09:11
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Commoners posted:I accidentally left the secret exit that leads back to the entrance of my dungeon so that I don't have to backtrack open, and adventurers entered my loot room and took everything. I didn't have all of my art pieces and magical equipment listed out or appraised for value, how should I go about contacting my dungeon owner's insurance to try to get at least some of the value back from what was stolen? Depends - are the curses yours? In most cases an accursed items' value is lowered by a percentage based upon the power of the curse (usually 95-99%), since the corruption of evil souls trapped within the material fabric of a luxury item like a gold ring or a fine silk robe or a pair of fine leather boots will obviously try to invalidate any insurance claims made against them if there hasn't been any prior identification, and besides curses tend to void the authenticity of the authenticity certificates, SO - unless you can prove that you could've removed the curses yourself (which obviously you can't since the item's gone- those fools!) then I'm afraid you're up the Styx without a Charon to paddle. I know it really makes no sense since the curses themselves seemed like a pretty decent theft prevention measure when you cast them in the first place, but unless you put a tracking charm into your curses's serial hex then you're probably hosed getting any of this back. Sorry man 
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Dec 30, 2016 09:43
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Alright you evil fuckers. I got some spells that even edgelord warlocks and sorcerors like you can use. Turn unbread Dominate mind and also feet True Dollymorph True Bollywood-morph Summon potatoes Summon gravy WARNING DONT USE THE LAST 2 TOGETHER YOU WILL DIE!
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Dec 30, 2016 12:31
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I enchanted a pair of boots with "flesh to stone" and left for some meddling adventurers to find (isn't it weird that adventurers are always rummaging around putting on old clothing they find?) hoping to add to my sculpture garden anyways I accidentally cast "stone to flesh" and now anywhere that guy walks he leaves a perfect footprint sized sirloin steak. Last I heard he gave up adventuring and opened a steak house
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Dec 30, 2016 15:56
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I resent the term "evil". Yes, I was stealing bones from the graveyard. Yes, I overreacted when the local constable confronted me. Yes, I may have ordered skeletons to rip him and his people to bits, and yes, I still have his skull. It whispers secrets to me when it isn't busy sobbing about its endless torment. But I am a multifaceted person. Nobody ever talks about my volunteer community service, or my donations to the local library.
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Dec 30, 2016 15:58
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Krunge posted:Blood! That's it! I know exactly what to do! I look rad here but pls don't dox me
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Dec 30, 2016 16:52
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the limitations of the physical plane bored me. ive been looking into lichdom to transcend my white, middle-class, summoner existence.
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Dec 30, 2016 17:17
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I took an evil wiz last night 
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Dec 30, 2016 17:30
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Commoners posted:I accidentally left the secret exit that leads back to the entrance of my dungeon so that I don't have to backtrack open, and adventurers entered my loot room and took everything. I didn't have all of my art pieces and magical equipment listed out or appraised for value, how should I go about contacting my dungeon owner's insurance to try to get at least some of the value back from what was stolen? Oh man I'm sorry, this happened to me a few hundred years ago and the whole thing was a nightmare no really the idiot rogue adventurer took the Nightmare Stone and dropped it when trying to escape the skeletons I had guarding it. It shattered and unleashed the nightmare specters I was hoarding to use their power. Took me drat near two centuries to collect them all.
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Dec 30, 2016 18:00
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What do you call a peeing r word? a whiz tard 
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Dec 30, 2016 18:01
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I know this isn't sa mart but does anyone have an extra interdimensional portal they'd be willing to sell me? Or we could trade, I happen to have enough ground-up rat skeletons for a poo poo ton of invisibility cream
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Dec 30, 2016 18:21
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Question for all you wizards out there, when it comes to the decor for my mountaintop wizard tower, what should I pick for my lamps? I'm trying to decide between skulls with nightmarish green flames of fire that burns but does not consume in the open mouths and eye sockets, or mysterious crystals with an eldritch blue glow. Thoughts?
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Dec 30, 2016 19:10
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Mad Hamish posted:Question for all you wizards out there, when it comes to the decor for my mountaintop wizard tower, what should I pick for my lamps? I'm trying to decide between skulls with nightmarish green flames of fire that burns but does not consume in the open mouths and eye sockets, or mysterious crystals with an eldritch blue glow. I'd go with the blue crystals. OSHA inspectors get their tits in a twist about open flame, even if it's the arcane kind.
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Dec 30, 2016 23:05
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T.S. Smelliot posted:Oh man I'm sorry, this happened to me a few hundred years ago and the whole thing was a nightmare Well, did you take his soul? Also I bind my nightmare stone in bands of brass, they corrode over time and blood tends to pour out of the cracks but the thing is drat near bulletproof in the meantime.
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Dec 31, 2016 00:04
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mycomancy posted:I'd go with the blue crystals. OSHA inspectors get their tits in a twist about open flame, even if it's the arcane kind. ^^^ This, plus weatherproofing a skull for outdoor installation is a NIGHTMARE, not to mention all the cleaning you have to do with skulls! The only bonus to putting skull lamps outside is that do they attract large swarms of rats, bats, snakes and spiders to live outside your home.
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Dec 31, 2016 00:16
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i have been the proud owner and operator of the world's only functioning voodoo doll of Dan Akroyd for the last decade
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Dec 31, 2016 00:22
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ive been working on a sick spell where it burns people with creepy green flames and instead of just regular burning them it makes their flesh rot off. the problem ive been having with it is i can't get the flames green right now they're a crappy yellow and the last hero to burst into my lair called me 'johnny pissflames' as his face turned into slime johnny isnt even my name
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Dec 31, 2016 03:46
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SciFiDownBeat posted:I know this isn't sa mart but does anyone have an extra interdimensional portal they'd be willing to sell me? Or we could trade, I happen to have enough ground-up rat skeletons for a poo poo ton of invisibility cream YES! We don't use ours and want to convert the space into a reanimation lab.
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Dec 31, 2016 04:23
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Ive cursed your prostate. YOU SHALL NOT PISS
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Dec 31, 2016 04:40
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Well, as far as I can see here, The Laws are being kept for the most part and I would just like to congratulate all of you guys on retaining a Euclidean geometric state. Good job. Please continue doing your own respective things.
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Dec 31, 2016 05:05
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tardwrangler posted:Ive cursed your prostate. 
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Dec 31, 2016 05:23
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FirstPersonShitter posted:ive been working on a sick spell where it burns people with creepy green flames and instead of just regular burning them it makes their flesh rot off. I wish I could turn whole posts into avatars, because this post would be that.
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Dec 31, 2016 23:47
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I keep the entire population in a state of constant irritability
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Jan 1, 2017 00:24
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What is a good source of free range organic fair trade skeletons? Emphasis on "Good" because if I get another shady deal, I'll end up one of you loser evil wizards. Love, Good necromancer.
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Jan 1, 2017 01:32
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interwhat posted:I keep the entire population in a state of constant irritability Connecticut?
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Jan 1, 2017 01:49
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i'm an evil capitalist cabalist
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Jan 1, 2017 01:50
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Mnoba posted:i'm an evil capitalist cabalist So, you are a politician?
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Jan 1, 2017 02:03
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Colonel Cancer posted:So, you are a politician? Investment banker maybe?
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Jan 1, 2017 02:38
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Speleothing posted:YES! We don't use ours and want to convert the space into a reanimation lab. Perfect, pm me e: to clarify, that's "psychic message," I don't have platinum
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Jan 1, 2017 05:30
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