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Dinosaurmageddon posted:For my own reasons I like to stay as close to True Neutral in my alignment as possible, but I tend to automatically *do the right thing* by others whenever I'm asked for help, and so sometimes as aa result that makes me come off as more Good-aligned than I really want. when was the last time you carried an enchanted printing press to yon fair maiden's apartment?
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Jan 3, 2017 19:50
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Jan 3, 2017 21:51
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Plz don't doxx me. 
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Jan 3, 2017 21:53
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Lucky Guy posted:when was the last time you carried an enchanted printing press to yon fair maiden's apartment? When you're an illusionist-turned-demilich, you don't need to bring the printer - you ARE the printer! COLOR SPRAAAYUUUUUGHH  
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Jan 3, 2017 22:04
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Also I think my cat might be a wizard 
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Jan 3, 2017 22:07
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hey guys, looking for the 23 Dark Librams of Occultic Mathmagic (ORIGINAL EDITIONS ONLY, PLEASE) to operate this Loom of Darkness I found in one of my towers. Will trade Crystal of Temporal Hatred, or Hobgoblin growvats, that I no longer have a use for. Serious inquiries Only. And to YOU KNOW WHO .. I want my Copy of Litanies of The Sunken Stars back, or I swear to the Thousand Spells Known To Sorcery you're gonna have more to worry about than some abbed out normies knocking over your shelf of transcendent curios.
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Jan 4, 2017 00:09
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Dinosaurmageddon posted:When you're an illusionist-turned-demilich, you don't need to bring the printer - you ARE the printer! Color spray is too random imo ill just go with 800 copies of my ridiculously-op-at-high-levels magic missile thanka.
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Jan 4, 2017 03:10
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Sure are a bunch of beta-wizards getting their robes bunched up about Occult Safety & Health inspectors or Infernal Revenue agents ITT.
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Jan 4, 2017 05:44
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Random Axis posted:Sure are a bunch of beta-wizards getting their robes bunched up about Occult Safety & Health inspectors or Infernal Revenue agents ITT. Sounds like someone who hasn't been audited by OHS or the IRS yet. When those guys wearing robes glowing with anti-light and embroidered with the dying cries of orphaned children (I mean seriously, talk about hamming it up!) come sniffing around, asking questions and wanting to look at your skull lighting systems, your gold and reagent caches, and your library, you REALLY need to let them do their thing. I was sarcastic to one Agent one time, and now all I get to do is play with mushrooms, molds, and spores. My fried morels are loving fantastic though. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
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Jan 4, 2017 05:53
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if anybody sees my skeleton dog can they send him back I forgot to close the lid on the barrel I was storing him in alternatively if anybody has an alive dog that they don't want can you just send me that instead
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Jan 4, 2017 06:09
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key party favors posted:hey guys, looking for the 23 Dark Librams of Occultic Mathmagic (ORIGINAL EDITIONS ONLY, PLEASE) to operate this Loom of Darkness I found in one of my towers. Will trade Crystal of Temporal Hatred, or Hobgoblin growvats, that I no longer have a use for. Serious inquiries Only. Can the Crystal be modified for Eternal Hatred purposes? I know, Temporal Hatred is almost as good as Eternal Hatred but I kind of need to be sure of things for... reasons.
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Jan 4, 2017 08:25
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the pizza police posted:if anybody sees my skeleton dog can they send him back I forgot to close the lid on the barrel I was storing him in i don't have a dog but i can send you millions of spiders
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Jan 4, 2017 08:27
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basic hitler posted:I hate skeletons. Ive noticed they have something like memory in their bones. I used to harvest the flesh for reagents, boil and reanimate the bones of fallen intruders. Now i just make bone dust. Like, last week was the last straw. I went to check on my gold hoard and my skeleton servitors were just standing, staring at the gold and touching their pelvises. These loving skeletons were remembering having sex on wizard gold when they were alive. Their bone memories are creepy. I could understand recognizing a sword or a trinket from a loved one but id say 75% of all adventurer skeletons just get horny at the sight of a gold hoard. i thought this was the reason we all used so many skeletons
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Jan 4, 2017 08:30
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GRILLARY CLINTON posted:i thought this was the reason we all used so many skeletons When you get too many skeletons you get to have skeleton gladiatorial matches, which results in a huge glut of bone chips and a new pecking order for your skeletal bone powder production line. "Too many skeletons" hahahaha that's like saying "spiders can't get any bigger."
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Jan 4, 2017 08:44
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basic hitler posted:Mike in payroll refused to authorize my overtime so i cast a spell and gave him gender dysphoria my natural talents in vaginaemancy only manage to let me transmute gay men to straights and straight women to lesbos i feel like i'm not meeting my full potential
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Jan 4, 2017 08:54
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Once I got lost in the bliss of plant kingdom and lost focus as the predator and became a deer and feared only the cat as my nemesis. Then I submitted the the nectar of the flower and aligned the solar center as the predator and was a bee. But then I caught focus of the fleshy horizon and I was human again focusing forward. P cool.
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Jan 4, 2017 15:27
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I was about to be like yo, we can just drink the nectar of the cyphon from the light and use the heat it makes to keep us warm as the moon swings us into nirvana but then I was like we can just burn the sticks and cook the flesh with some BBQ sauce so we aren't suckers to the solar nemesis.  But then, ironically, as my pseudo hive began to purify the fundament by discovering fire and mitigating the decomposers, I, the tree, had the energy to make fruit to allure the people once again as a romantic offering of fruit flesh to spread my kernel as the hive once did. 
ClamdestineBoyster fucked around with this message at 16:08 on Jan 4, 2017 |
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Jan 4, 2017 15:56
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Can the Crystal be modified for Eternal Hatred purposes? I know, Temporal Hatred is almost as good as Eternal Hatred but I kind of need to be sure of things for... reasons. Sure, do you have any runes of recursion? just slap that bad boy on, and the hate should loop indefinitely. I knew a guy who powered his scrying rig for years doing that. Anyway, which one of you is siphoning dread dust from the 12th Umbral Plane under The Saturnal Declination. I've been cultivating that dread dust for the last 66 lunar cycles, and some bozo decides to help himself. Dread Dust doesn't grow itself! And by the way, I'm getting really sick of hearing skeleton dogs howling at the new moon... I have half a mind to call the HOA. hell astro course fucked around with this message at 18:13 on Jan 4, 2017 |
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Jan 4, 2017 18:08
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Ummmmm who let in the hippie wood elf? This is the EVIL thread still right?? Incidentally i don't know anything about all those skeletons in the forest it was like that when I got here
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Jan 4, 2017 18:18
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Dinosaurmageddon posted:When you get too many skeletons you get to have skeleton gladiatorial matches, which results in a huge glut of bone chips and a new pecking order for your skeletal bone powder production line. Having a lot of skeletons just means you can fuse them together to make larger skeletons. Dead thing made of other dead things is a long and hallowed (unhallowed?) tradition of evil wizardry.
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Jan 4, 2017 19:00
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do you guys ever get nostalgic for pitchforks? i used to have a great spell to turn them into snakes but i don't think peasants even know what to do with a pitchfork anymore. they'd kill each other with them by accident before they even got to the gates. some idiot peasants from the village have been writing letters or something, blaming me for an outbreak of hooved children. now im going to have to enthrall the mayor, maybe the governor. but first im going to turn all those goddamned letters and petitions into wasps and would you believe its not even me this time, its some college necromancer in town that nobody even suspects poverty goat fucked around with this message at 19:31 on Jan 4, 2017 |
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Jan 4, 2017 19:29
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Heres a good chance to cover your tracks. Expose the would-be necromancer and issue a cure for the malaise. The townsfolk will honor you and invest less time in writing pain in the rear end letters to you. Send the wasps to the necromancer for stepping outta line in your territory
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Jan 4, 2017 19:34
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I know we're evil but personally i do what i can to keep the local townsfolk happy or at least placated. Yeah some one goes missing a few times a year. Errant adventurers sometimes wander into the local tavern and have a few too many and end up in my keep, and they are used nefariously but mostly i keep my experiments focused on other towns. Sure it means i travel a lot but i find that hostile locals from being flamboyantly evil are a bigger pain than just keeping a reasonably low profile and doing my dastardly deeds elsewhere. This also lets me feel out for weaker wizards to pounce on. I have a few wizards ive made onto thralls. I usually sell their property, confiscate reactive materials and reagents, abd put them up in a thrall dungeon where they toil and make reagents. Its a good system
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Jan 4, 2017 19:50
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I used to do the whole 'town' thing, but it gets so draining. The hustle and bustle, the gentrifying lesser nobles coming in, turning my favorite abandoned mill into an artisan grainery. Sure, you have access to live stock, reagents, night life..etc.. but I tell you, investing in a translocating castle that only appears in the mists every 13 years under the ghastly light of a blood moon is the way to go. One night of pure malevolent revelry, and you save a fortune on property taxes. Just make sure to hex your soil ahead of time, to keep out squatters.
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Jan 4, 2017 20:08
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Moving castles kust make me forget why i fit into wizarding- its about the people. It always has been
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Jan 4, 2017 20:20
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I'm more of an rear end in a top hat Thaumaturgist. When someone annoys me, I made the soles of their shoes fall out. Hope that's ok 
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Jan 4, 2017 21:07
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basic hitler posted:Moving castles kust make me forget why i fit into wizarding- its about the people. It always has been sounds like a nerd-rear end merlin thing to say to me.... Now, seriously, who has been siphoning my Dread Dust...I want answers...don't make me send out the 20 eyed crows, they poop everywhere.
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Jan 4, 2017 21:09
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Sorry about the dread dust, it's my fault. I got attacked by my former apprentice and was woefully unprepared. I had to banish him to a random dimension, and upon checking it looks like he landed right in your dread dust patch. If you want I could teleport this paladin who's been causing me trouble to take care of him.
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Jan 4, 2017 21:17
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key party favors posted:I used to do the whole 'town' thing, but it gets so draining. The hustle and bustle, the gentrifying lesser nobles coming in, turning my favorite abandoned mill into an artisan grainery. Sure, you have access to live stock, reagents, night life..etc.. but I tell you, investing in a translocating castle that only appears in the mists every 13 years under the ghastly light of a blood moon is the way to go. One night of pure malevolent revelry, and you save a fortune on property taxes. Just make sure to hex your soil ahead of time, to keep out squatters. be careful with this because once you get on the bad side of the Occult Safety & Health inspectors they start scheduling their audits on blood moons and suddenly you're looking at another 13 years of boooooooooring I live in a tent on the beach but it looks way bigger on the inside and everybody just thinks I'm a homeless person until I turn their sunscreen into butter until they're sun-burnt right off of my front lawn
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Jan 4, 2017 21:25
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sweet geek swag posted:Sorry about the dread dust, it's my fault. I got attacked by my former apprentice and was woefully unprepared. I had to banish him to a random dimension, and upon checking it looks like he landed right in your dread dust patch. If you want I could teleport this paladin who's been causing me trouble to take care of him. oh yeah that's gonna help "sorry for loving with your dread dust production, should I put a paladin on it too to really gently caress your poo poo up???" I thought it was common courtesy to not be evil to fellow evil wizards
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Jan 4, 2017 21:27
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key party favors posted:sounds like a nerd-rear end merlin thing to say to me.... Some of us turned evil in the pursuit of reviving dead loved ones please dont kinkshame
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Jan 4, 2017 21:27
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the pizza police posted:oh yeah that's gonna help The whole thing took care of itself as it turns out. My ex-apprentice was using the dread dust to summon a corrupting horror beast to send after me. But unfortunately for him he sent it here right as the paladin was attacking me. The paladin assumed that I summoned it and killed it, but not before getting infected by my ex-apprentices dark corruption spell which he'd cast on the beasts claws. Here's where it gets great, my ex-apprentice didn't change the spell from what I had taught him, so I was able to immediately inflame the corruption, before the paladin could cleanse it, turning him into my Blackguard slave. My idiot ex-apprentice stepped through his portal and instead of seeing me dead (as if a simple horror beast could kill me), got an unholy sword to the face. So my ex-apprentice is dead, I have a new Blackguard, and I kicked the horror beast back through the portal into your dread dust patch. Once that thing composts you'll get like 10x the yields from it guaranteed.
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Jan 4, 2017 22:25
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poverty goat posted:do you guys ever get nostalgic for pitchforks? i used to have a great spell to turn them into snakes but i don't think peasants even know what to do with a pitchfork anymore. they'd kill each other with them by accident before they even got to the gates. some idiot peasants from the village have been writing letters or something, blaming me for an outbreak of hooved children. now im going to have to enthrall the mayor, maybe the governor. but first im going to turn all those goddamned letters and petitions into wasps See this is exactly the kind of wholesome, down home family values evil that you just don't see anymore.
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Jan 4, 2017 23:03
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the pizza police posted:be careful with this because once you get on the bad side of the Occult Safety & Health inspectors they start scheduling their audits on blood moons and suddenly you're looking at another 13 years of boooooooooring You forget to pay the shadow tax on ONE eldritch horror, and they're on your butt. Here's a good tip though... get a dragon (like the skeleton of one, or a lesser wyrm...definitely don't mess with the fully grown ones...so annoying, with their 'true tongue' and 'lies'), then claim all your wizard gold and jewels as 'nesting materials' on your occult tax return. sweet geek swag posted:The whole thing took care of itself as it turns out. My ex-apprentice was using the dread dust to summon a corrupting horror beast to send after me. But unfortunately for him he sent it here right as the paladin was attacking me. The paladin assumed that I summoned it and killed it, but not before getting infected by my ex-apprentices dark corruption spell which he'd cast on the beasts claws. Here's where it gets great, my ex-apprentice didn't change the spell from what I had taught him, so I was able to immediately inflame the corruption, before the paladin could cleanse it, turning him into my Blackguard slave. My idiot ex-apprentice stepped through his portal and instead of seeing me dead (as if a simple horror beast could kill me), got an unholy sword to the face. Listen, this was heirloom artisan dread dust, buddy! I don't appreciate you mucking up my dread dust patch! We'll see, just give me 13 more lunar cycles to test the quality.... At least we don't have yahoos running around caked in dread dust anymore.... I expect you'll at least lend me access to some of your rarer tomes as compensation... hell astro course fucked around with this message at 23:56 on Jan 4, 2017 |
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Jan 4, 2017 23:05
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basic hitler posted:Some of us turned evil in the pursuit of reviving dead loved ones please dont kinkshame Haven't you ever read the 'Lesser Studies of The Liturgies of Ironic Causality'. Dude, Wizards definitely don't have boyfriends or girlfriends, and especially 'loved ones'. That's why we hang out in our towers ALONE. By learning wizard magic, you've caused a casual loop to have lost your love ones in the first place. Classic rookie move. My condolences, nerd. I'll send you a few bottles of my Elderberry Moonwine... but don't drink more than 3 cups, or every forest bogan in a half mile will start manifesting itself, and that's a mess you don't want to clean up in the morning. Anyway, whoever has my copy of THE LITANIES OF THE SUNKEN STARS, I want it back. I'm getting salty over here.
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Jan 4, 2017 23:12
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I was doing evil yoga and accidentally ripped my last cursed darkflame yoga pants (only +8, because I ran out of aetherium). there goes my fire resistance, now even a level 5 barbarian could take a torch off the wall of my dungeon and burn my face off. time to go back to aberzombie and eldritch and order 5 more, plus I have to infuse them with the black lava dragon blood myself, ugggghhhh incidentally, does anyone know where I can buy yoga mats pre-coated with the ground corpses of magical creatures? I personally coated mine with glowfairy wing dust which gave it a nice lavender scent and increased health regen, but when I ripped my pants I also shat myself with anger and contaminated the spell
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Jan 5, 2017 08:00
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basic hitler posted:I know we're evil but personally i do what i can to keep the local townsfolk happy or at least placated. Yeah some one goes missing a few times a year. Errant adventurers sometimes wander into the local tavern and have a few too many and end up in my keep, and they are used nefariously but mostly i keep my experiments focused on other towns. Sure it means i travel a lot but i find that hostile locals from being flamboyantly evil are a bigger pain than just keeping a reasonably low profile and doing my dastardly deeds elsewhere. This also lets me feel out for weaker wizards to pounce on. I have a few wizards ive made onto thralls. I usually sell their property, confiscate reactive materials and reagents, abd put them up in a thrall dungeon where they toil and make reagents. Its a good system It's best to not be a cartoonishly evil wizard, it's true. Archenteron posted:I'm more of an rear end in a top hat Thaumaturgist. When someone annoys me, I made the soles of their shoes fall out. Hope that's ok Yes it's fine. Everything is permitted... so long as you Keep The Laws. the pizza police posted:be careful with this because once you get on the bad side of the Occult Safety & Health inspectors they start scheduling their audits on blood moons and suddenly you're looking at another 13 years of boooooooooring Keep The Laws and OSHA inspectors will give you a free pass, mostly. They're all about The Laws. key party favors posted:You forget to pay the shadow tax on ONE eldritch horror, and they're on your butt. Here's a good tip though... get a dragon (like the skeleton of one, or a lesser wyrm...definitely don't mess with the fully grown ones...so annoying, with their 'true tongue' and 'lies'), then claim all your wizard gold and jewels as 'nesting materials' on your occult tax return. The Law has many Loopholes. It's not evil to take advantage of them, but it is evil to not petition for their closing. So... there you go I guess. key party favors posted:Anyway, whoever has my copy of THE LITANIES OF THE SUNKEN STARS, I want it back. I'm getting salty over here. My bad. I was making some notes, no one answered when I asked (into a portable hole connected to The Abyss) if anyone didn't want me to take it from your library. The Law requires attempting to get ritual permission but it doesn't exactly spell out how... anyway there may be some residual dark silverflame notation where I improved some things and took some notes, no big deal. They only show up in natural light, they don't show up under bone tallow candlelight or eldritch flames, you'll never even notice.
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Jan 5, 2017 13:43
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So I was working on a potion for....personal use...and anyway I dropped the dang thing and it spilled so my question is who did you contract to mess up your tower? Cos now mine's like perfectly straight and taller and all the wobble and twists are gone and it just looks like a nice ordinary castle tower again. At least I know that potion probably works.
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Jan 5, 2017 14:05
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ghosthorse posted:So I was working on a potion for....personal use...and anyway I dropped the dang thing and it spilled so my question is who did you contract to mess up your tower? Cos now mine's like perfectly straight and taller and all the wobble and twists are gone and it just looks like a nice ordinary castle tower again. At least I know that potion probably works. Hah, you got orcish dickrot, didn't you? Didn't they tell you in wizard high school to always take a panacea after sex with orcs? Or, you know, just not have sex with orcs at all? You're one of those weirdos who's got a thing for the huge hairy breasts, aren't you?
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Jan 5, 2017 15:37
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give the man a break at least hes not an elf-loving pedophone
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Jan 5, 2017 16:14
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