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Well, I'll give a shot at critiquing. My formatting and content is based on critique advice from this post. Fair warning, I mostly read longer fiction, not short fiction, so I might be missing common practices of that genre. I'll start with the plot: - Precipitating Event: Guy pretends to be an inspector to get into a big bad corporation's warehouse. Apparently corporations are literally in contractual agreement with the devils and demons. - Main character's goal: Free some a trapped human soul from some barrels - Rising Action / Obstacles: It seems like any threats to the main character are implied. I can't really tell what they are. Are the spirits dangerous? The demons? There's some thing that appears, but it's specific threat isn't clear. The corporation doesn't seem to care what's happening. Ms. Binfield doesn't try to stop him, even when the lie is revealed, nor do the workers who are presumably threatened by the release of spirits. - Climax: Main character helping some trapped spirits free one of their own. - Falling Action: The trapped kid runs off. Another guy also may have come out of the barrels, possibly. I have no idea what happens to the main character. • What do we think this story is trying to become? What are its distinctive features? What seems to be the writer’s main interest while writing this? The story has merged hell and corporations, a fine match. It attempts to build the features of bureaucracy, profit-seeking, and disregard for the sanctity of life in the story as a critique of them. The writer seems to be exploring what would happen if hell was real and there was money to be made off of serving it. • Where has the story succeeded? What are its strengths? Where can the writer feel a good job has been done? The message I get is your story is about a corporate man tired of the ethical violations all around him and trying to do the right thing. The descriptions it has are fine, the prose is functional. It is consistent with voice, perspective, and the rest of the core things a story needs. The primary structural elements are all accounted for. • Where has the story so far missed the mark? What are its weaknesses? Where does the writer need to do more work? What more has to be done if it is to reach its potential? What advice would you give for improvements? The story was really confusing for me. I think it tries to do too much world-building in too short a time. At first, it wasn't really clear to me what the main character was trying to do at first. The conversation between Durante and Binfield has too much jargon and focuses too much on things like board games. They know a bunch of stuff the reader doesn't, which means their motivations and conversation only make sense on a second pass. I had to reread the story a few times to map out the plot and summary; I definitely didn't "get" it the first time around, and felt really checked out of the story because it was hard to follow. I didn't care about the main character. I didn't care about the kid. I don't know why they're important. That feels like the primary thing that needs to change. The other big thing is clarity. You might expand on the ending, as the resolution seems weak. One idea that popped into my head you could try is the kid who is trapped being the son of the character who is trying to free him. Or not. Also, nitpicky line edit: "You’ve read the File. You exactly many people they killed." needs to be changed probably to "You know exactly how many people they killed." Let me know if you have questions about the critique, or there's something specific you want to know that I didn't address. I hope this was helpful!
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Jan 7, 2017 23:30
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| # ¿ May 17, 2024 19:22 |
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