- Djeser
- Mar 22, 2013
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it's crow time again
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1479 words hmm did you need all of these words? let's see
Humanity's Children
The skeleton didn't know it, but its last moments would be spent hosting a surprise party. ok reasonably funny opening Thousands upon thousands of cryo-pods lit up and hissed opened. think you mean "hissed open" there Each pod opened up to reveal a skeleton, their uncaring stare aimed at a single table. the pod's uncaring stare? the plural skeletons' singular stare? each staring at a single table? A cake sat on the table and beside it a hovering white metal orb. was it simultaneously sitting on the table and hovering? With a flick of its thermo-nuclear flamethrower the orb lit the candle, the cake and, the table on fire. flerp already talked about the grammar here but another problem is that there's two jokes. one joke is the thermonuclear flamethrower being used as a lighter, the other joke is that he set the cake and the table on fire. because there's two jokes, neither has time to land.
"SUR-PRISE!" The orb bellowed as two gelatinous, amoebic blobs entered the room. The red blob shivered with delight and unleashed six of its goopy tentacles on the burnt remains of the table. The blue one warbled a greeting. the order of events here is weird. you have the blobs entering as the orb is shouting, but it would make more sense for them to enter, then the orb shouts.
"Thank you computer!" The red blob said, its appendages stringing together to form the words. She played herself like a banjo, each twang eliciting a word. okay, this isn't how i interpreted 'stringing together to form the words'. when you said she was putting her tentacles together to form words, i assumed she was spelling them out. you can derive humor from implying one thing and then revealing that the truth is different, but if this was meant to be funny it wasn't, and if it wasn't, it's just confusing. Her other appendages were stuffing pieces of debris into her torso. "This is delicious! Charred table, roasted to excellence and with a hint of cake!" okay, that's a little amusing
"NO. PROBLEM." The computer said. The white orb hovered by a skeleton and nudged it. "I. WOKE. UP. ALL. YOUR. FRIENDS!"
The blobs warbled in delight as they greeted each of their friends. The ship computer felt a rise in temperature in its life-circuits. what's a life-circuit? is it life support? why would life support rise in temperature after opening a bunch of cryo pods? It had been so long since the ship had been full of life. Was this the feeling called happiness? Or maybe it was an electrical fire caused by its missing Lofstrom circuit. you can use this construction to make a joke, but it doesn't quite work here, between the confusing 'rise in temperature in its life-circuits' and the wordiness of the rest. the joke you were trying to make is something like this: 'The computer felt a warm glow in its life support systems. It was either happiness, or an electrical fire.' even with a properly-formed joke, it doesn't really follow from what was happening. why is the computer getting warm/happy over this now?
The blobs sludged over to a pod which was decorated with crude objects they had collected. Here was their creator, Professor Cralk. He had injected two jelly amoebas what is a jelly amoeba with the ships life-circuit, did he take a hypodermic and jab it into a circuit board and get a whole needle full of circuit or what hoping the resulting life form would detect the plague that had invaded the ship. what Cralk would later curse himself for using the Lofstrom circuit instead of the Zeitgeist circuit, what his last words before sealing himself into the cryo-pod. The two jellies sat there, in their petri dish, watching with confusion what as red lights and klaxons blared. Soon though all was silent, save for the screen that was decoding alien waves. like for surfing on? As the amoeba grew fat off of the ship's leaking radiation, so too did they grow wise off of the visions the screen showed them. whatttt
It was most appropriate to make the announcement here, in front of their creator. "Ahem, everyone!" the missed a caps here skeletons did not turn to attention, but she continued anyway, "I am proud to announce that we are getting married!"
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The plan was set and the destination mapped out. The red blob was slapping paint onto the rocket, why is this 'was slapping', you use that tense when something is ongoing at the time that something else happened. e.g., "I was running yesterday when I found a bear." or "I was working so I didn't hear your call." a cylindrical-like lol so it was like an cylindrical? device made out of the metal forged in the heat of a dying sun and duck tape. on googling this apparently 'duck tape' is a valid spelling. you sure showed me on this one The rocket was their dream, their ticket out of here. Its sleek hull would traverse the dreamscape why this and lead them to their wedding destination, just like the visions had told them.
"Ready!" The red blob said as she finished.
The blue blob looked the rocket over, following the exact mannerisms the visions had shown him. He had no idea how rockets worked, but he knew how dreams worked. After a few seconds of blankly staring at the rocket, he deemed it dream worthy. you could have made a joke about foremen here, oh well. the dream terminology is strange.
The blobs slurped their way into the rocket ship. The interior was split into two, each side containing a gigantic lens that spanned the length of the ship. The only instrument was a simple lever, didn't need that comma here but ok at the front, that controlled thrust. The red blob went in first and stretched out, filling the confines of her lens. She would never admit it, the visions had taught her you never admit these things, but it was a tight fit. again, this is a joke that you flubbed. the punchline comes before the setup. 'It was a tight fit for her, but the visions had taught her it was embarrassing to admit a surplus of mass.' the punchline is not the fact that it's a tight fit, the punchline is that she learned about fatness from humans. Her fiance did you mean fiancee or finance joined her and the door closed behind them.
The blue blob looked over the calculations — one dream plus two dream plus minor explosion equalled flavour explosion — the math checked out (Researchers would later find out that this equation created fusion energy). the aside robs your punchline of its impact and it barely has any setup. if you want to increase the Humor Value, add in more setup, establish that this equation is important, that he's checked it with calculators and with the ship's computers and so on, and then reveal that it's a nonsense equation. and then, because the punchline is that it's nonsense, don't add in the aside that says it's actually not nonsense.
The ship computer's voice boomed, "GOODBYE. AND. GOOD. LUCK." i thought the orb wasn't the computer because you seemed to make a distinction between orb and computer
The red blob slithered out a small thread of herself onto the lever; the blue blob reached out with a small thread as well. Together they entwined their threads together and, with a meaningful look at each other, pushed the lever forward.
The rocket ship started to accumulate the dreams of an extinct civilization. what The engine roared to life. They had the dreams, now all they need whoops tense was the minor explosion.
"SELF. DESTRUCT. INITIATED. BON. VOYAGE." The computer said. As the last remaining ship of an ancient civilization self-imploded, taking with it thousands of years of research and culture with it, the computer hoped that it would explode "Happily". yeah this joke doesn't land either, and i'm not even sure what the punchline here is. there's a number of jokes you could make with that--the punchline could be that as soon as the computer realizes it's truly happy, it explodes, or it could be a misdirect like "the computer exploded with happiness, and also with fire" or something.
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A small taco bell since you didn't capitalize this, it's just a bell you ring for tacos. stood alone in a large desert. The only person in the empty parking lot well it's not empty then is it  was talking on a phone.
"Okay, so being the only taco bell in Mexico maybe don't put it in the desert, people don't tend to live there. also the "only taco bell in mexico" is a real thing that happened, in mexico city, and it failed wasn't enough of a draw. What about the ad?" Alex said.
The voice over the phone told him that the ad hadn't worked, and worse everybody thought Taco Bell was now racist.
"What do you mean it was racist? The ad was about space, great food and, alie-" the punchline to this joke is here, but it has no setup. the joke is a play on extraterrestrial aliens versus immigrant aliens but you give no time to the idea that the ad was about aliens. also it's a little weird that an alien thing would bother people in mexico who aren't "aliens" because that's where they live. like the setup to your joke doesn't work because it relies on an english homonym that's only confusing out of context.
Alex smacked his forehead as realization dawned on him.
"We didn't mean those kinds of aliens! Listen. We can't close down. This is my dre-"
At that exact moment the dreamscape mixed with language, hope and, desire. you're being very abstract here, and when you're being abstract, your language has to be unambiguous. it took me two times reading this sentence to realize that 'mixed' was the verb. Scientists would name this the Alex moment. weird and confusing A tip of a spaceship shot up Alex's throat, and over the next twenty minutes, Alex had the distinct pleasure of vomiting up the spaceship. Later, he said it was like vomiting up stars, what does that mean though with an aftertaste of mint. the "a serious thing and then a mundane thing" joke doesn't work here because the serious thing is weird so the mundane thing just seems also weird.
With a final "BLUUURGH" the spaceship landed onto the parking lot and rolled to a stop in a handicapped parking spot. The door opened and the red blob emerged. She wore a sombrero, to fit in with the crowd. there isn't a crowd though and she can see out of her window. this would make more sense as a joke if it's another thing she picked up from the "visions" i.e., a racist version of mexico A few seconds later her companion joined her. This was a tense moment. Alex didn't move; the blobs stood still. Man met blobs, blobs met man.
"Hello," the red blob said. Her free tentacle dug into herself and pulled out a piece of cardboard, you started a separate clause here golden diamonds glued on to form a distinct pattern. wow real distinct "Here is my visa." She handed the piece of cardboard to Alex. She hoped she had created it properly; the visions had told her you needed one to enter.
Alex took the visa, another two separate clauses red goop dripping off of it. A few seconds later, the future Duchy of Mercury okay monkeycheese but why is this even important was screaming and running down the deserted desert road, dropping the visa as he ran.
The blue blob looked at the running man and warbled the affirmative. Such a reaction only meant one thing; colon instead they had hit the jackpot. Their diplomatic training had paid off in spades and soon they would be in a Volvo. i have literally no clue what the joke here is meant to be. But first, they needed to get married. The blue blob slurped towards the taco bell, leaving a blue trail of slime.
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Jeremy didn't know it, but he was a hero. He didn't feel like a hero, having recently broken up with his girlfriend, Mary. In celebration, the cooler became a smoke-filled hotbox. wow that's one handy cooler that automatically becomes full of weed smoke when you, a very non Mexican person at a non-capitalized taco bell in the middle of nowhere in Mexico, break up with your also very non-Mexican girlfriend The ding of the door chime announced customers and Jeremy looked up.
"Wel-" Jeremy paused, staring up at the figures. His dealer must have given him the good stuff. "-come to tacobell."
The red blob jiggled, don't cram two sentences into one with a comma this is the worst most common mistake and i hate it this was the most important diplomatic exchange in her history. She recited the words, holy prayer from the visions, "I would like a Dorito Cheesy Gordita Crunch and a large coke." An awkward silence ensued. The tension was palpable.
Jeremy slowly registered the order on the cash register, oh hey look you did it again the buttons flying away from him, "Anything else?" did the buttons flying away from him say that?
Shivering in delight the red blob turned to her fiance "And we would like to get married! According to the contest!" lol okay did she say it with the url there too?
Jeremy's brain went loopy as raw data hit him. He was no longer in the only tacobell in Mexico, he was on the electronic highway, destination tacobell.com. The blobs were with him, what amounted as their eyes staring in trepidation at the contest page. i guess she did?? which is okay, weird and kind of interesting, but not super funny. also "electronic highway" thanks Dad are we going to learn about cybermessaging and being a good netizen next And then he was back, sitting at the counter. He looked up at them, his destiny revealed. He had gotten his minister's certificate on a whim, thanks to a smoke-hazed day with Mary, stop glomming loving clauses onto everything her sitting on the couch laughing how cool it would be to minister their own wedding. Those plans had gone up in smoke.. ho ho ho it is a weed joke :| but maybe these dreams wouldn't...
Jeremy nodded. "We can do that." He rung up the final numbers. "That will be $25." LATE BREAKING EDIT: also a taco bell in mexico would charge in pesos, not dollars, and before you go "ahhh but pesos also are written with $" twenty-five pesos are worth about one dollar and thirty cents. i realize you didn't consider this because you were distracted with all the other good jokes you didn't put in your story
The blobs looked at each other and then handed Jeremy the almighty VISA. this is not a joke by the way, it is cutesy but not a joke
Jeremy swiped the card, oblivious to the "CARD DECLINED" message. He took the two blobs to a small corner in the restaurant. It was a small ceremony, joined by a few dazed customers, who, i guess, didn't bring cars. to the uncapitalized taco bell. in the Mexican desert. Jeremy and the two happiest blobs on the planet.
"With the power invested in me, I now pronounce you blob and blob."
Djeser fucked around with this message at 06:31 on Dec 21, 2017
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Nov 7, 2017 09:39
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