Thunderdome 2017teen: Prose and Cons

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome 2017teen: Prose and Cons

«‹›6 »

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Seven of Pentacles + The Moon (Rider Waite Smith)

782 words

2/5 Stars, My Dog is Still Dead

flerp fucked around with this message at 05:45 on Dec 7, 2017

# ¿ Oct 29, 2017 21:23

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 12, 2024 06:52

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

sebmojo posted:

thunder dome ironic twist is asleep and the only way we'll get a new prompt is if YOU wake him up! the only way to do that is by yelling PROMPT as loud as you can!

i think he should have his rest he has a long day ahead of him

# ¿ Oct 31, 2017 07:07

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

# ¿ Oct 31, 2017 16:59

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Tiger tail!

866 words

Stop Me If You�ve Heard This One Before

flerp fucked around with this message at 05:45 on Dec 7, 2017

# ¿ Nov 6, 2017 00:15

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

in flash

# ¿ Nov 9, 2017 19:27

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

dumb rear end bitches subbing on saturday real fuckers dont even think about their stories until sunday also im prob gonna fail lol

# ¿ Nov 12, 2017 08:33

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Tyrannosaurus posted:

I hate this

# ¿ Nov 13, 2017 20:48

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Sitting Here posted:

O

# ¿ Nov 14, 2017 01:47

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

asia before

# ¿ Nov 14, 2017 05:45

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

deltamojo brawl

starts with a piss joke, ends with a dead belgian

800 words

due 11/25 11:59 pm pst

toxx up boys

# ¿ Nov 15, 2017 00:07

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

reading the prompt is a good idea btw

# ¿ Nov 20, 2017 18:47

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

# ¿ Nov 21, 2017 05:15

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Tulpas for the One Percent and Breeds Contempt

635

I Still Don�t Sleep Most Nights

flerp fucked around with this message at 05:46 on Dec 7, 2017

# ¿ Nov 27, 2017 05:20

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

judgment

sebmojo posted:

Wild Yeast
800 words

The sky over Bruges was the color of cornflowers, and the sun was a blinding 20 franc coin someone had tossed up there and gotten it stuck. this isnt a bad sentence and i quite like calling the sky the color of cornflowers, not gonna lie, but as an opener it makes me think hmmmmm who even cares? is this the fabled "cut your first paragraph"???? i think it just might be.

It was brewing day so Maxime was pouring brown beer bottles full of water straight down the drain, one in each hand, gloop bloop. c now here im thinking ah the story seems to start so why is this not the first line? im also a bit of mind to think Gloop bloop should be its own sentence instead of attached to the one before it but idk im not an expert on gloop bloop

"Just like Friday night, eh?" said his father. Maxine smiled because it sounded like a joke, then handed him the two empty bottles to rack up next to the others. im not sure if this is the piss joke tbh The bleach smell made his nostrils sting.

"Brewing is all about cleanliness", said his father. "No contamination." He sucked in a big gust of air, straining it through his moustache like a whale extracting krill slowly_nodding.gif, and plunged two more bottles into the hot sterilising liquid, down, up.

Maxime took the two full bottles, covered in bubbly bleach now u c this is a good adverb. something about the phrase bubbly bleach makes me go . it sounds good but its also a p cool image that i wouldnt normally attach to bleach. The sun in the little stone courtyard was hot, and he raised his arm to wipe the sweat off his forehead. The slippery wet bottle slithered out of his hand. He flung out his foot to stop it from hitting the cobblestones. Instead his foot clipped the bottle in the middle and sent it spinning away to smash against the wall in a thousand spinning shards.

"Klootzak!" yelled his father, face instantly purple. In a moment he was on his feet and towering over Maxime, fist cocked for the first blow.

To be fair, Maxime's father was full of so many hot words that it was only reasonable he had to let them out sometimes. Maxime knew to tiptoe when he'd been sitting at the kitchen table for an evening, the stack of brown bottles beside him growing. Sometimes that helped. But since Mama died the words had become angrier and the blows harder. yeah i mean this kinda stuff has been done a lot that im not rly sure its worth criticizing at this point but it feels kinda generic

Brewing is all about heat, i do like this tho, its a kind of weird transition but not a bad weird more of that nice "hmmm now that i think about it, it does make sense" weird thought Maxime later that evening. He was touching the lump on his head, gently, like stroking a mouse slowly_nodding.gif. Barley is malted with hot air, then soaked in hot water, then boiled with hops. The hot stone of the courtyard wall had met his head like a hammer after his father punched him.

Then, without having made anything he'd call a decision, he saw himself reaching under the bed for his suitcase, and filling it with things. Underpants, shirts, a wallet with some money, a picture of Mama. He tiptoed past his father, who didn't look up, and pushed the door closed behind him gently, like stroking a mouse for the last time im not quite sure about repeating this simile quite so soon after tho.

Twelve years later not quite sure about this time lapse but we'll c i guess Maxime was in a pub in London. It was late, and the air was hot. He held up his pint to illustrate a point he was making, something about beer - there was a girl with pretty eyes, they reminded him of someone . Someone was shouting at the other end of the bar, so he raised his voice.

"Brewing," he said, "it's all about the yeast. Got to be the right one. Very careful, very vigilant. Wild yeast. Floating. It's all around us," he said, gesturing. "But if you let it in, then, pfff." He spread his fingers wide, feeling a hot flush of delight at how her eyes drank him in. "Sour beer!" this is some kinda cute foreshadowing ngl but i also like the way you do this dialogue. it fits v well with a drunk person yelling in a bar to try to impress people

She smiled at him and started to say something but whatever it would have been was cut off by a flying pint glass that clipped her beautiful forehead in a spray of hot red and shattered into a thousand spinning shards. She dropped to the ground, heavy as a sack of grain.

Maxime was instantly suffused with a rage so pure and perfect it made his ears ring. Maxime saw the man who'd thrown the glass, saw his stupid mouth fall open. Without having made anything he'd call a decision, Maxime saw himself running towards the man, fist cocked for the first blow. The man put up arms to shield himself from the blow, and the pint glass Maxime was holding in his hands shattered on them, the sharp edges cutting a deep gash. The beer splattered over the man and over the floor. Maxime took another step and slipped on the wet floor, crashing down on the slick wood. The broken glass was still in his hands, and the floor rammed it into his throat as he fell. The broken glass made a slick, meaty sound as it entered. He gasped at the heat of his bubbling, frothing blood.

Brewing is all about patience, all about waiting to see what time, and heat, and yeast have made. It's not always what you want.

Still; what you get when the bottlecap finally pops off is always, and only, the sum of all the things that you put in.

hmmm im not quite sure i like where this story ended up. i was feeling the beginning a bit but the ending seems to come a bit too quickly. wouldve liked either a build-up to a more pronounced conclusion of the first bit with the dad, or more build up to the actual ending. i c what u were trying to do but in the space of 800 words i feel like both of these events arent given enough justice which is a shame because i think there's a lot in each we can get out of it. i liked all of it but i felt like it needed more room in order to fully come together

i like some of the ideas tho, esp w/ how the language of how the dad hit maxime paralled how maxime hit the drunk dude. and the words themselves flow nicely. so yeah its p alright but with a couple more words i think all the pieces will hang together much more neatly.

Deltasquid posted:

Deltamojo Brawl

At the River Volkhov (719 words)

I remember Father Claes� words when I considered joining the Flemish Legion im not the biggest fan of character remembering things (why not just have claes tell him it?) because i think it robs the story of action, and im def not a fan of it as a first line. �Good Christians, falling to their knees and thanking you for delivering their souls from the Soviets,� he promised. He reassured me that the nazis ok im p sure this is supposed to be capitalized were the lesser of two evils. At least they were believers.

And so I volunteered, to the Eastern Front.

Our tank was a converted Czech hand-me-down, prone to breaking down if you pushed it too hard, with metal plating thin enough that a well-placed rifle shot could pierce it. But it was all our division had. It used to scare me this is a bit telling ngl, but now I saw the T-34 tanks rolling down the hills, I almost felt at peace. When death is certain, panic seems undignified and petty.

Captain Reimond�s orders were barely audible over the engine�s bellowing. Artillery barrages crept along the Volkhov riverbanks. In the distance, a munitions depot exploded, colouring the winter mist orange. Projectiles from the Soviet tanks missed us by mere meters, but I zig-zagged us between the trees and snowy hills to close the distance for our underpowered gun. yeah idk how i feel about this this jsut feels like generic army description that i cant feel any real attachment

I heard Marcel load a round. �I gotta piss,� he added.

�Wait, what?� I said.

Reimond chuckled, �Don�t make me laugh. Makes it hard to aim.�

�Seriously, Marcel?�

�I am completely ser--�

A muzzle flash to our right. I slammed the brake on the right tracks, angling our armor just in time. The tank emitted a metallic groan.

�Ricochet!� Reimond yelled.

�drat, drat, Goddamn! Nevermind about me needing to piss!�

�Oh, lovely,� I laughed, �the smell will complement the sweat and diesel nicely.� at least the piss joke is more pronounced in this one

I circled the enemy tank with a sharp turn while Reimond cranked the turret handle. When we were squarely behind them, he fired. The hull erupted in a pillar of fire, flinging the turret into the snow.

Our celebrations were cut short by a shot from our left, hitting the tracks. Our tank spun out of control, rolling down the hillside, into a ditch between two rows of poplars.

I pulled myself back into the driver�s seat. �Well, then. Not the glorious last stand I was expecting,� I said.

�We�re not done yet,� Reimond said. Beads of sweat rolled down his cheeks until caught in his six-day beard not sure how i feel about this phrasing. getting caught in his beard idk feels wrong in some sense. Marcel loaded a second round with trembling hands, puffing through his red-flushed cheeks. His raspy, nasal breathing irritated me all the more now I had my hands free this a kind of interesting detail actually.

�Anything I can do, captain?�

�Just keep your eyes open. Whoever fired that shot will want to confirm his kill.�

A T-34 rounded the hill, and Reimond fired. The shell bounced off the front armor.

The Russians returned fire, their shot glancing off our side armor. Deafening reverberations echoed through the tank until the riveting gave up, scattering a buckshot of nuts and bolts through the interior. Behind me, Reimond slumped from his chair and Marcel screamed, clutching his bleeding forehead.

I crawled over them to reach for a jerrycan of diesel. With my free hand, I opened the hot exhaust valve, cursing the scorching heat on my fingertips, then dumped as much fuel into the exhaust as I could. The tank belched forth thick, black clouds which carpeted the land. Helped by Marcel, I dragged Reimond out of the tank through the back hatch, and we ran through the obsidian smog until I slipped down an unseen incline.

Pain seared through my ankle and we tumbled into some shrubs next to the riverbank. Pistol in hand, I lay in wait, ready to fire on the first Soviet to stumble upon us. But they never did. On both sides of the river, tanks and infantry pressed on, pushing our comrades further and further towards Leningrad, until dawn broke the cold air. We were alone.

�Now what, captain?� I said.

When no answer came, I turned, only to see Reimond and Marcel face-down in the snow. Their skin was cold to the touch, and I stopped myself from turning them on their backs. Better this way.

I tried standing up, but collapsed in misery when I put weight on my left foot. On hands and knees this time, I crawled up the riverbank�s incline, towards the smoldering wreck of our tank.

Propping myself up against a poplar tree, I watched the flames dance across the tank�s remains.

�There are no good Christians here, Father.�

hmmm this is an adequate war story about death and poo poo but its also one that ive read or seen or heard about in approx a million different interations. like its not bad i aint gonna say that but theres nothing particularly here that makes this stick out of my head. its like yeah boy ok its a war story but like so what? what makes it ur war story that makes it different from all the twenty billion WWII stories that are already out there

i mean on a technical level its quite ok. nothing stands out to me from either end of the good-bad spectrum, so while i dont have much to complain about i dont have much to say "whoa holy poo poo thats cool." and i mean thats fine and hell even in some brawls that nets the win but mojo knows his way around a story that when the biggest compliment i can give to your story is "it doesnt suck" when thats not enough unforunately

i reread both of these stories with the intention of "ok im gonna look at this more closely and see if any words rly stand out to me" and when i looked at yours i just, i kept saying the same thing in my head "this is completely normal." like its just another war story, on the structural end and the prose end and on the character end. like esp your characters, theyre just generic soldiers w/ not a whole lot of unique personality. and its like, ok, thats fine, but it doesnt rly impress me at all or entertain me that much because its like okay why should i read this over any other war story and i think for this question is uhhhhh there really isnt any reason

seb wins

# ¿ Nov 29, 2017 00:12

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

sebmojo posted:

you can't spell 'thoughts and prayers fjgj' without 'fjgj'

watch me

# ¿ Nov 29, 2017 03:19

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

in, im bad at making my setting meaningful and impactful

# ¿ Nov 29, 2017 10:11

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

im bad at making setting meaningful and impactful

528 words

To be a bird

flerp fucked around with this message at 05:46 on Dec 7, 2017

# ¿ Dec 3, 2017 23:09

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

# ¿ Dec 5, 2017 23:10

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Siddhartha Glutamate posted:

Thran, hook me up with some wikihow nonsense. 'Cause I'm in.

Edit: I'll toxx if flerp promises to work in the camel falling in love with somebody. I want that story.

my story will have my camel falling in love with somebody

# ¿ Dec 6, 2017 00:50

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

https://www.wikihow.com/Condition-Your-Hair-With-Homemade-Products
https://www.wikihow.com/Regain-Control-of-a-Spooked-Camel

703 words

The Fable of the Camel

Camel, while bathing in the Nile one day, saw a lady camel from across the water. He waded closer to her, but his foot stepped on something in the water.

Hippo popped out of the water, its gaping maw in a smile at Camel. He said, �Ah I see it in your eyes. It�s love.�

Camel tilted his head in confusion and then tried to move around Hippo. However, Hippo twisted his body to block Camel�s path.

�You can�t get a lady looking like that,� he said, then he poked Camel�s stomach. �Ladies don�t like skinny guys.�

�Well, I appreciate the advice but...� Camel started but Hippo yawned.

�Go eat some grass and bulk up and I promise you, the girls will swarm you.�

�Cool, I appreciate the advice,� Camel said as he tried to lean around Hippo and get a view of the lady camel from across the river. �I�ll go eat some on the other side.�

Hippo smiled and let Camel walk forward. But as he kept going, Heron landed in front of him and suppressed a laugh.

�I saw Hippo telling you about love,� Heron said.

�Yeah, he�s a nice guy but I didn�t��

�Look, I�m gonna say this right now,� Heron said, staring at his wings, glistening in the sunlight. �Ladies want one thing and one thing only. Nice feathers.�

Camel looked at the hair on his feet and shrugged. �I really don�t think��

Heron plucked one of his feathers out of his chest and handed it to Camel. �Hold it, see how smooth it feels. It�s an old family secret. You get it by eating fish. But not any old fish, gotta find the big, grey ones. Those ones make you shine.� Heron�s eyes lit up when he said �shine.�

Camel politely pushed the feather away and said, �That�s some good advice. I did see some of those fish on the other side of the river so I�ll go over there.�

Heron didn�t say anything because he was too busy grooming his feathers and muttering something to himself.

As Camel kept walking through the Nile, he heard splashing behind him. He sighed, hoping it wasn�t going to be Frog or Lizard or even Fish. Then he heard barking and knew it was Dog.

�Hey Camel! What�re you doing so far out in the river?�

Camel turned around and saw Dog splashing in the water with a fish in his mouth. He gobbled it up and then raced towards him.

Dog squinted his eyes as he inspected Camel. �You look kinda dumb.�

�Hippo said it was love,� Camel said.

�Love.� Dog closed his eyes like the word consumed his entire mind.

�Yeah,� Camel said, hoping he wasn�t going to another lecture.

�I don�t really get it,� Dog said. Then he ran around in a circle, chasing his tail. �One of those dumb things people talk about all the time.�

�I don�t think I do either,� Camel said as he looked across the river. The other camel was still over there, grazing. He just wanted to say hi, maybe eat some grass next to her, and see where things go.

�Well,� Dog said. �My master says he loves me. I don�t know why. All I do is help him �cause I like to. Maybe that�s what love is.� Dog shrugged. scratched his back.

Camel looked down at the water and stared at his reflection.

�You know what Dog,� Camel said as Dog stared at the sun. �Maybe you�re right.�

Dog said, �Well, good luck with love or whatever.� Then he ran off.

Camel nodded his head and walked forward. He was going to ignore everyone else that came to him because he understood now. He was going to tell the lady camel everything he had thought. He wasn�t going to worry about how big he looked or how his hair was a little bit gross. He was going to just be a camel. He was just going to compliment her on her hump and ask if she had a boyfriend. Simple as that.

Then Crocodile popped out from underneath the river and ate him.

Moral: Love is meaningless, death is inevitable.

# ¿ Dec 11, 2017 04:26

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

give me a good game ty

# ¿ Dec 12, 2017 19:31

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

MEGABRAWL FINAL RESULTS

I wish I could say the megabrawl ended with some spectular stories but really they were alright but nothing that made me go like whoa. I guess the prompt was too tough for you guys. That sucks.

Of course, first, let us remember the fallen.

Yeah they loving sucked, right?

Anyways, onto the actual point of this post. For doing something interesting even though I don't really know what he did, Muffin wins the megabrawl. Hooray. :toot:

He did it. He's so handsome and great and amazing. Of course, what would be winning without a reward! That's right, he gets to be called the 2017 megabrawl champion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an amazing prize. Just, wow. I'm jealous.

ALSO: i have feelings about this megabrawl (the main one being im not gonna do another one lol) so im going to give a post mortem of this megabrawl and also get all the crits i skipped because im a lazy rear end in a top hat before the end of this year :toxx:

here are crits for this prompt tho

muffin

im not sure about the formatting of this one. on one end, it adds to the frentic pace of the piece and also is able to really get across people talk between each other that regular prose can't really do. but then again i feel like the spacing between the words makes me think its missing words which i dont think is the case and the beginning isnt very clear that its two people talking to each other (i only assumed so re: prompt).

besides that, i think this revels too much in its ambiguity. it sets up, basically, that this guy dies but is soul alive or something but passed that im just like ??????? some other poo poo seems to happen but i cant tell what. i cant tell what this experiment was or what really happened or what is going to happen. and really, when we get down into the conversation, its just one guy yelling at another guy and the other guy is like plz dont yell. sure the window dressing around the conversation might be interested but its a vague blur that i cant really determine what it is. id like to say more about this but i feel like this piece is a lot more shallow than the first impression gives. or maybe its not shallow, but its that the depth is hidden because its not clear what im supposed to be looking at besides the surface level stuff. :shrug:

you also have similar problems w/ crabrock, w/r/t ur characters. theyre just, they dont really have a lot of personality. one guy yells a lot. the other guy is like no plz dont yell im just an intern. and thats it. thats their personality. why should i care about them? dont know.

crabrock

you got like the opposite problem of muffin's. your story is obvious. too obvious. by the second line i was like oh its a suicide story. and then oh the person gets sentimental and the dude is like hey im not gonna kill myself. its a classic setup, really, but i feel like it isn't really pushed. like its just like yep heres a regular ol' suicide story with all the beats uve come to expect. with no surprises theres not much else to the piece.

i liked the second person, the guy who was gonna jump, more than the first guy mostly because the second guy was not putting up w/ any of the first guy's poo poo and im like yeah u tell 'em second guy. i think that says more about your first guy i.e. i dont like that nerd. like i dont find his comments to be all that interesting or insightful, which maybe is the point, but he just feels overly pretentious, and a bit of a tool to "avoid" the challenge of the week re: having to do everything in dialogue. he describes the setting around the story, but i dont think he does it in a particularly realistic way. i think the movement of the piece, too, goes a bit too fast. like he just drops the dead wife bomb real quick it feels like. and i almost feel like the suicide guy gives up too quickly. and rly when i think about it, suicide guy doesnt really have anything going for him as a character. we just know 1) he wants to die (same) 2) is poor and 3) doesnt want to listen to this idiot. thats not rly a personality, so the impact of the suicide guy not killing himself is lessened because like am i supposed to be happy the cardboard cutout didnt fall off a bridge?

# ¿ Dec 12, 2017 21:03

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

happy birthday ent

you dont suck that much

# ¿ Dec 14, 2017 00:30

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

minesweeper

547 words

Same

flerp fucked around with this message at 20:24 on Dec 28, 2017

# ¿ Dec 18, 2017 08:34

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

yes i knew this was going to be the prompt and yes im in of course im in how am i not in? and im :toxx:

ing

# ¿ Dec 19, 2017 06:20

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

MEGABRAWL POST MORTEM

Im gonna structure this as a thing to help somebody out if they want to do the next megabrawl. Just gonna be a list.

1) I do think it�s better to not let newbies sign up. No offense to them, obv, but I feel like they aren�t going to be consistent. I had to badger one to try and submit and even then they didn�t so eventually it just became a DQ which is lame and is the one thing I didn�t want. I don�t want somebody to get a free pass when it comes to the megabrawl because that just isn�t interesting.
2) Flexible deadlines, I think, are really important, but the problem is that you need a deadline because TD is full of lazy assholes who will only submit if you put a deadline in front of them (and also I wanted the megabrawl to be finished before the end of this year). I tried to solve this by letting people message me if they needed extension, but people still dropped out and that�s hosed. Maybe emphasizing that it�s not a problem, but that could leave room for abuse. Idk
3) Making the internal brawls equal is the best way to do it. I felt bad in prompt 3 that sh got a much tougher flash rule than muffin. In retrospect, I should�ve modified muffin�s flash rule to make it a lot tougher, but I got lazy/rushed to get the next prompt out. I feel like the rest of the prompts were �equal� (as in, nobody had an advantage outside of their own natural abilities).
4) Poetry is good.
5) I also want to apologize because of how busy I got this year. I didn�t expect school to take so much of my time this year but it did and if I had known this I wouldn�t have decided to do the megabrawl.
6) Kind of wish there were more upsets but that�s more the fault of the writers.
7) I really don�t care if the contestants thought the prompts were tough because that was the point

8) I did try to be deliberately vague with prompts, for the most part because I wanted to allow a lot of room for interpretations. Though, I think this bit me in the rear end when I did prompt three because I was looking for something specific and I probably should�ve specified what I wanted in a prose poem. That�s on me.

MEGABRAWL CRITS

Prompt 3 Crits

Tyrannosaurus�s Prose Poem

I�m a lil sad this got edited out because I wanted to give a fuller critique of besides the little one I gave in my results. Off of memory, I remember liking this, but the problem was that it wasn�t a prose poem. Maybe you looked up prose poem on the internet and saw �well, it�s basically a flash fiction piece� and it might�ve been my fault and should�ve said that a prose poem is different than flash fiction piece (at least, in my own internal definition that perhaps i should�ve stated). It�s just, well, I think maybe read some of the other entries (i think SH�s straddles the lines of flash fiction and prose poem but i think it attempts to be a prose poem piece) or one of James Tate�s prose poems. Hopefully that�ll show to you the difference between a flash fiction piece and a prose poem.

Anyways, I still did enjoy this. It was cute, and interesting, and had that kind of ending that makes me grin a lil stupidly. It�s cheesy (pardon the pun) but I like the character�s ambivalence and disdain for his brother and how it gradually goes away or changes. It might be a bit too cutesy and also the dialect a little too obnoxious, but w/o looking at the piece again, I�m only going off a vague recollection of what I remember reading.

crabrock�s balance

I�m not sure what the point of not capitalizing the words really adds to this piece. But i like the feel of the piece. The images are all vivid and interesting, but I also like the unequal weight of the items in the story. But it isn�t just like �oh yeah you get something kinda okay and then something lovely happens� but that it goes both ways. He gets a penny but his dog runs away. But when he loses the ball he gets a wife. There�s small understatements, like when he says he loses a finger for getting a rock, where you dont linger on it and thats rly good. I think the tone of it is p interesting. It�s very childlike and keeps that same tone until the end, despite being clearly from an adult perspective. And in some sense, the worldview is very childlike and simplistic. And i like, too, the ending, of the box being empty. That he�s traded everything and now realizes that he doesn�t want to trade again because he doesnt want to risk what he�s got. I think you did the flash rule really nicely. It is sentimental and a lil bit saccharine, but it doesn�t get overbearing. Its a p cool piece, but i�d like some of the more introspective parts to maybe be toned a bit. Him saying it sounds grim when he lists them out, idk, im not about that, but that might just be a personal problem i have w/ people thinking.

Sitting Here�s There is a Shrine

I know I�ve probably said this a lot but i still do feel bad about this prompt. Not for the prose poem aspect (i had this planned from the start), but for the uneven matchup. I should�ve made muffin�s flash rule harder and I genuinely feel like that was a big mistake that I made.

Regardless, this isn�t a bad piece. It feels very SH-ish, which I think you understand quite well. It has the dreamy, ethereal sort of quality to it. I don�t even think you�d be a bad prose poem writer TBH if you�d put ur mind into it. And as much as I know you didn�t like writing this this really isnt a bad effort and it does feel like a real, genuine effort at a prose poem which i appreciate!

Ok but let�s talk about the piece really. I feel like this lingers on images, but when we get down into the images, the meaningfulness of this images doesnt quite coalesce into a whole. Like, it�s cool little rollercoaster with bright colors and i go ohhhh and awwww but when i got off the ride i was struck by this weird sensation of like, i enjoyed the ride but i didnt? Like alright i spent some time with this piece and got to look at cool poo poo but that was about it. I think you were trying to make it mean something, near the end. Of wanting to escape from reality but how that escape might not be as powerful as it seems. But it comes too quick, really only comes in towards the ending. It feels like you made these images hoping to find some meaning to latch onto and then you found it but couldn�t quite get it to fit w/ the rest of the piece (or that could just be me projecting as ive done that too many times). So, it feels like it was trying to say something but it spent most of the time nervously going uhhhhhhhh and then stammered out what it actually wanted to say really quickly before grabbing its papers and rushing out the door.

Muffin�s Moloch

God I loving despite �sar-coughing.� I have said that before right? I want to say it again even if i did. God drat i hate it so much. It�s a pun. Like no matter what way you slice it, it is a pun. And like yeah u can be like well Shakespeare did puns and wordplay but also it wasn�t loving SAR-COUGHING LIKE THATS LIKE WHAT A TEN YEAR WOULD SAY AS A JOKE. WHAT IS A MUMMY DOING WHEN HE�S SICK? HE�S SAR-COUGHING. AHHHHHHHHHHh.

Ok sorry about that. I like the idea of �pyramids� in other places than Egypt. And it�s overall p interesting in the way it parallels the present world w/ the past of Egypt and gods and all that stuff. Idk i try not to say nothing, but there�s not a lot to say, i think. It�s ideas are interesting and they�re kept vague enough to warrant a deeper reading, but also isn�t too vague that the first reading thru isn�t painful and annoying. The issue i may have is that im a big loving idiot and that im not sure exactly if there is quite a true deeper meaning but if it's the facade of one.

Prompt 2 Crits

Tyrannosaurus�s Bonafide West Virginia

Ok, this is cool. I�m not quite sure if this is surrealism, tbh, or really even fantasy, but you know what, this is a good story. The problem is that it ends, but doesn�t conclude. Like, it feels like the story is going to keep going. Which, the good news, is that I wanted it to. But the bad news is that it didn�t. And that could�ve potentially killed this story. It didn�t, but it might�ve of. Like this story is really interesting but it�s one of the things where I can�t quite tell you what to work on because it doesn�t feel complete. But what I would say is is that you should finish this because I enjoyed it a whole lot.

Thranguy�s After

This is worldbuilding. When we get down into it, that�s all it is. Now, I�ll say one thing that I wish I never had to say in my life, but it is kind of interesting world building. But there�s no real story. It sets up some interesting ideas and a world that i genuinely want to explore and know more about but the problem is that it isn�t explored. It�s just there and we�re told about it and we get a few little glimpses of what�s it like to live in it, but not enough. It�s an unfortunate cock tease because it�s actually legitimately teasing. This seems aggressively up my alley, esp with all the nihilism and with the big god of the world being massively cruel being who makes everything miserable god damnit that seems cool but we dont ever get to be IN the world. We look at the world thru a painting but we dont inhabit it. And thats not enough.

I think this did more with the prompt, but ended up being a worse story so yeah you lost.

Djeser�s Lo produce monstros

This match-up was surprisingly difficult. I guess because the prompt was maybe too restrictive that you two kind of wrote a similar thing. Or maybe it was just pure coincidence. Who knows.

However, I enjoyed this. Slice-of-life obviously lends to a no-story bent, but I really like the feeling of this piece. The way you mix together this feeling of awkwardness and anxiousness in the day to day routine really resonated with me, a hopelessly awkward and anxious moron. It�s able to create this feeling of how a daily routine can blur together and that blurriness creates this massive feeling of fear. The way the people are portrayed in this are cool, too, in that they have a lot of animal like qualities that make them feel threatening and unhuman. The sun sets like a bruise is a great simile. I just liked the movement of this piece overall, from the beginning of the day to the end, and that brief little respite at the end is cool. It�s a weird respite, but it feels right for this weird rear end story.

I think the thing that really weighed you down, unfortunately, was that Muffin�s piece was better written. But I liked a lot of things about this piece regardless.

Muffin�s Stop reading -- they�re watching

Ok im just going to say this, breaking twen-ty was really bad. It just, it doesn�t read well. I understand the intention of that decision, but its so forced and awkward that it really stands out.

And pan-ic is just way too on the nose, especially with the dash. It makes me feel like you�re going like �hey did you see that poo poo?� and im just like ugh.

You know what, on a different day (such as this one), i might�ve made this one lose. I think it gets a little too heavy handed with its social commentary. Because overall, while I like the words, it feels like its really hammering home �CAPITALISM IS AN EVIL GOD CAPITALISM IS BAD� and idk im all for that theme it feels like it starts to override the rest of the piece. Like, it wish it kind of calmed down with that, maybe focused on the individual a lil more. I mean, as a reader, I enjoy that, but also as a slice-of-life piece, usually it�s about the person and we don�t rly get much of the person this is supposed to be about. I mean you�re words on the sentence level is good but when im thinking about the bigger picture i think it needs to know when to let up on the social commentary and let the character breathe a bit.

Sitting Here�s West Side Story

This was an interesting approach to the genre mix. Not really what I expected, but a cool way of doing it. I like the way you weaved the two in initially and I liked how you made the �outside� future/dystopia conflict be what made the �inside� western conflict was really about. I felt like it needed a few moments to go back into the real world, to keep the tension up. As it stands, we get that the mom is dying but we�re left in the dark what that exactly means -- we�re not sure if Alice is going to be there in time, obviously, but it�s difficult for us to know how close she is to failing. A few moments of going back, not substantially, but a few quick parts where we get back and see what is happening and why its important for her to get out of the western world. I think some clarity might also need to be in order. I�m not 100% sure how exactly the body is working while they are in western world -- clearly it can still drive and also knows to go to the mother and i can accept that as a narrative necessity, but maybe there�s something more interesting you can do w/ it instead of just being like oh well it just kinda works. The ISS stuff is kind of interesting but ultimately it doesnt really matter because its dropped in there and feels more like a sequel bait then a thing actually necessary. I�m also not sure if this is �complete.� as in, it doesnt quite feel like a narrative whole. Sure, the conflict is resolved, but it feels like there�s a lot of loose ends that aren�t quite tied together and that feels almost intentional.

Jitzu_the_Monk�s Cast

Ok so first of all you literally call stuff in this story magic which is like uhhh not magical realism but ANYWAYS

There�s a few jokes that quite land here. The �his feets are the same size� isnt really funny because it was obvious that was the case.

This felt dry and overly long. There�s a lot of expositions, especially in explaining the powers or history of characters, and I feel like that�s what causes this to get bogged down.

The action scene is not very good. It feels slow paced, like its happening in water.

The problem is that I don�t find this terribly interesting. While magic bard is a cool premise, I feel like the prose is a little bit too dry and bland that it doesn�t lend the kind of energy this piece needed. It feels like it should be fantastical, but instead feels, for the most part, like I�m reading a wikipedia article. I don�t feel like the plot itself is too bad, and probably is its stronger suit. There�s a few side plots going on throughout it but none of them overbear on each other. I�m not too attached to the characters, but I think that�s mostly because of presentation. I think they are interesting, but the way they�re portrayed just isnt.

crabrock�s We�ve all done bad things

I think this dwells a bit too long on the war narrative. I feel like, based on the ending, the really interesting part is dealing w/ the character�s morality re: pacifism and being a soldier. I feel like you could say a lot about it and do something interesting w/ it (and the little moments like Alvardo squishing the bug would actually be a lot more telling than initially thought), but instead, it�s a lot of words for a mostly generic war story. I also feel like the ending is a bit of a copout. It doesn�t actually allow the main character to have to deal with the consequences of the reveal. He just kills himself and its like w/e. I feel like this had a lot of wasted potential in that you have some neat ideas but there�s so many words of �here is war things, things that happen at war, aka things youve seen a hundred times over� and that the bit that couldve shown a lot about character or had interesting thematic relevance is mostly forgotten about for most of the narrative.

# ¿ Dec 19, 2017 08:19

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Exmond posted:

Ohh, if we are handing out crits I'd love a crit on my "Humanity's Children" story here.

https://thunderdome.cc/?story=6195&title=Humanity%5C%27s+Children

there's quite a few problems here

first of all, the first line being centered on the skeletons is not good because it makes the reader imagine the central story is going to be on the skeleton but it turns out its not. its about the blobs. the first paragraph has some good details but only in the second paragraph do we actually get to see the protagonists.

the sixth paragraph is a big ol' exposition dump that really isnt necessary because i dont think we need to know why the amoebas are alive. i mean, truthfully, no matter what you say, its just gonna be us having to accept it. no amount of explantion is really going to justify the amoebas existence so its prob better to just let them be and have no huge explanation as to why.

Taco Bell should be capitalized. I also believe the Alex moment would be capitalized as the Alex Moment.

this story really is just nonsense. like, just complete nonsense that's indictative of something akin to surrealism. like its just, things just happen and its like uhhh alright? im not sure how i feel about it. like none of it actually makes sense, which is the intention, so grats there i guess. but then its just like well things happen but its not really all that interesting or funny as you thought it was. its kind of cute but a lot of the humor falls so terribly flat that i really didnt enjoy this.

you shift perspectives too much. like in this paragraph

quote:

"SELF. DESTRUCT. INITIATED. BON. VOYAGE." The computer said. As the last remaining ship of an ancient civilization self-imploded, taking with it thousands of years of research and culture with it, the computer hoped that it would explode "Happily".

you move into the mind of the computer, when we had been in the head of the blobs for a while. its jarring but also unnecessary. and then you put us in the heads of Mark and Jeremy for no real reason. like, its both jarring to go into a different characters head we've never seen, but they aren't all that interesting. we really dont need to know anything about them. the Mark section just kills the pacing (and wasnt that funny but ill explain why in a bit) esp when the story, i feel, was getting into its stride. hell, knowing more about Jeremy actually made it less funny. imagine the blobs walking into a taco bell and then cashier just decides to marry them w/o us knowing why the cashier has both the ability or desire to do it. thats a lot funnier than the situation you gave us.

also, oddly, i feel like the blue blob doesnt really do anything.

the attempts of humor are uhhhh not very good. for various reasons. ill point out a few here.

quote:

With a flick of its thermo-nuclear flamethrower the orb lit the candle, the cake and, the table on fire.

this doesnt work mostly because of the punctuation. i mean, for the first part, its just completely wrong punctuation since the comma should be after "cake" (you're also missing a comma after "flamethrower"), but regardless, the sentence is slow and clunky. because of that its not very funny.

there are way too many asides in here, with the parantheses, or mark being the future duchy of mercury and whatever. it gets overbearing and also just detracts from the plot. who loving cares about that dumb poo poo, get to the story. they also arent funny because they are mostly just over-the-top ridiculous in a story that is already ridiculous and irrelevant. when everything is ridiculous, the reader is conditioned to the ridiculous. you have to know when to rein in the ridiculousness in order to create humor. humor comes from the contrast of the reader's expectations of the story and reality of the story.

quote:

A small taco bell stood alone in a large desert. The only person in the empty parking lot was talking on a phone.

"Okay, so being the only taco bell in Mexico wasn't enough of a draw. What about the ad?" Alex said.

The voice over the phone told him that the ad hadn't worked, and worse everybody thought Taco Bell was now racist.

"What do you mean it was racist? The ad was about space, great food and, alie-"

Alex smacked his forehead as realization dawned on him.

"We didn't mean those kinds of aliens! Listen. We can't close down. This is my dre-"

this whole section here is terrible. it's not interesting, and the humor here is just so blandly presented. its something about a Taco Bell (why taco bell? what's the humor in specifically taco bell?) in Mexico (what's funny about this? ok taco bell isnt mexican food yeah but like what's the joke) and then some humor about aliens which really isnt that funny either because its presented badly. we dont even see the ad, so we cant feel the humor of what the ad looked like. we're just told it says something about aliens but we can only assume what it says. the main problem this isnt funny is because it comes completely out of nowhere. no where in this story would we think to ourselves "ok, the blobs are going to go to taco bell to get married." hell, this joke could of actually be funny if you set it up earlier in the story. just a line of the blobs saying "hey, I found the perfect place to get married and its so beautiful" and then they go to some lovely taco bell.

i think that's a lot of the problems with the humor in this piece. there's a lot of punchlines, but not a lot of setups. you need the setups for the punchlines to actually be funny. and in a piece that is deseprately trying to be funny, not being funny is a fate worse than ~~death~~ being bad.

# ¿ Dec 20, 2017 23:49

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

943 words

It Won�t Hurt Him at All

flerp fucked around with this message at 20:23 on Dec 28, 2017

# ¿ Dec 26, 2017 07:06

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

thank you trex you wonderful dinosaur for the cool rear end pen

and also for the wonderful story. i wont post the whole thing but here's an excerpt

needless to say, i love it

# ¿ Dec 27, 2017 05:15

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

i think thunderdome has taken a bit of a different direction this year, mostly in getting nicer. i dont know if i like it as much but people seem to be enjoying it and im still gonna write for td so its w/e

# ¿ Dec 27, 2017 19:57

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

in no genre :toxx:

# ¿ Dec 27, 2017 21:52

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Uranium Phoenix posted:

-Needs more crits imo

offering 10 line-by-line crits for any story written this year :toxx:

that they will be finished by jan 13 2018

this is for anyone

# ¿ Dec 27, 2017 21:53

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Kaishai posted:

Submission rushes aren't bad. Don't limit yourselves to lit markets, though! Thunderfic got published in by Kazka Press back when it existed. Flash Fiction Online is a promising market for the literary among our number as well as the genre hacks (self included), and though their guidelines forbid previously published works, Daily Science Fiction is a potential home for significantly altered versions. Both of these places are hard nuts to crack, but what 'Domer isn't prepared for a challenge?

Here: this list of markets could be very useful to SF/F-friendly judges considering a rush. Just pay attention to whatever the guidelines say about previous publications. And for the love of holies, if you submit to one of these places, follow their rules. Editors have a longer memory for that lady who sent her manuscript in crayon than Thunderdome has for that guy who wrote about abonend bunkers.

also theres this to find other markets. use the advanced search and you can find a lot of markets w/ specifics. theres a good mix of genre and general.

https://thegrinder.diabolicalplots.com

and also people should submit to journals more. the worst that happens is you get an automated rejection letter that says "sorry we cant accept this, good luck elsewhere" and youre in td youve handled much worse.

# ¿ Dec 29, 2017 23:23

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

flerp posted:

offering 10 line-by-line crits for any story written this year that they will be finished by jan 13 2018

this is for anyone

offer still stands i only got one so far

consider this my news year gift or whatever

# ¿ Dec 29, 2017 23:24

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 12, 2024 06:52

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

727 words

Distance

flerp fucked around with this message at 04:22 on Jan 3, 2018

# ¿ Jan 2, 2018 07:49

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome 2017teen: Prose and Cons

«‹›6 »