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Jan 3, 2017 05:22
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| # ¿ Apr 27, 2024 15:47 |
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I can help with judging.
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Jan 3, 2017 17:22
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QuoProQuid posted:LEGOs uh-oh
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Jan 6, 2017 17:16
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In 
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Jan 10, 2017 06:59
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Kid Krits The “notes” section is written as I’m going through, “overall” is after I’ve read your story. As per usual, people who submitted stories earlier get more brainpower, and usually more words out of me. Please keep in mind, I judged and critted these stories while I had 2 week old kittens climbing on me. This meant that any given moment I was in a fabulous mood or in excruciating needle-kitty-claw pain. Who knows which story got which chili?! As always, if I didn’t go as in depth as you’d like, feel free to holler at me on IRC, I always enjoy talking shop. Gonna Catch a Big One Notes – Susan is the “rest of the expediton”, not a huge fan of this unless you’re basically saying that she’s the one actually in control. You’re taking for granted that we know these characters are kids. That’s ok, but I’d prefer to see a bit more characterization up front. Imagine that this story was read by a stranger, they wouldn’t understand why you have people who are going on an expedition that would involve bears, but not know what they eat. The whole opening was weak. You basically just established and didn’t tell much of a story or get me interested. You didn’t use a ton of words, so that’s good, but you also didn’t hook me, and that’s bad. “Mum stopped him before he got out the door and made sure he put on a jacket first, because it was cold out there and he would catch a cold, and was also making her cold just looking at him.” I think you’re going for humor here, but it doesn’t really land. This is a story that’s supposed to be focusing on the kids, but in your second beat the humor is mostly derived from how parents see kids. Not a huge fan of that. “Is it purring?” asked Susan. “I don’t think bears cry,” What? She dropped the rest of the sandwiches in front of the bear, and they quickly made their way around to the trap. Susan crammed the stick into the trap. Ew. Oh come on, that’s it? Overall: This was fine I guess, but there were essentially no strong choices in this story. Apart from the cutesy kid stuff, which you did a pretty decent job with, there was no tension and nothing happened that really mattered. The most interesting part of your story is when they find the bear, that happens far too late. Start there. Now you’ve got kids with a trapped bear and maybe 800 words to play with. You can do a lot with that. What I was hoping for was that the momma bear would show up and then you’d shift perspectives to her perception, just like you did with the kid’s moms, which would have been a fun parallel. Something like “Momma bear though that these things with two legs were surely torturing her cub, because that’s what things with two legs generally do… etc” Instead, they find the bear, free it, go home seemingly feeling very little about their accomplishments and the story ends. I get that they were going hunting and they ended up freeing which is like soooooo opposite, but come on, there’s more to tell here. An easy read, but not a particularly riveting one. I wish you went bigger. Scales Notes: “Maddie and I were not supposed to go to the public pool on our own, but this one evening under a summer heat-wave, Dad had hesitantly let us out of his sight.” That don’t sound like no kid. Yeah and in your next few graphs, that problem seems to be continuing, this sounds like a 20-something writing a story. “We carried it with us down the road until we reached the beach with those dunes that glowed like giant pieces of buried amber washed up ages ago.” Oh come on, now it doesn’t even feel like you’re trying. Got an odd parenthetical sentence. Not sure why you did that. The whole thing is her though process. If you were going for something on the backburner dashes would’ve been better here. ” It’d only be a few minutes before I was home, and the desire to be on the couch with Disney Channel on, sitting on a big beach towel as I air-dried, grew overwhelming.” This sentence sucks, read it out loud. Sea-foam came sailing in on chest-high waves - not the common yellowish kind of foam, but pearly white stuff, and Maddie saw it swirl around her legs. Not quite how dashes work. That ending tho…. What? Why does her hearing the latch fall into place matter at all? Overall: I like that you went for the point of view from the actual kid. That is, in my mind, the stronger choice this week. It’s riskier but gives a better opportunity for showcasing kidvoice. Unfortunately, you didn’t do a great job of that. Her voice was uneven. Sometimes she sounded like a kid, sometimes she sounded like an adult writing a story. As for the story proper, for some reason, this feels like it was based off something personal. Whether or not that’s true, it’s good. It feels like it really happened. I believed it. The bad news, however, is that again, not much happens. Kid tries something, it doesn’t work, that’s pretty much the story. Make a bigger choice. What if Maddie got badly injured? You raised the stakes by letting us know there’d be trouble if that happened, and then it doesn’t happen. I’m not trying to rewrite your story, but I’m just bummed that it didn’t have more weight to it. Agua Mala, Agua Pura Notes: Read the prompt hurfdurf. Right off the bat, the point of view is clearly an adult narrator, which is fine, but I’m gonna want some good kid dialogue to make up for it. He saw firsthand, her unending thirst and would take glasses, bowls, cut open milk jugs, and leave them out on the windowsill of their bedroom during rainy days. This is kind of a mess of a sentence. These images would make him melancholy. Thanks for the feelings update. The next statement should do that work for you. And it kinda does. You shouldn’t lead into it by telling us how your character feels. Reading through this, I’m honestly pretty lost. We’re not hearing enough from the kids. Yeah, sorry, I’m continuing on and I’m just having the hardest times grasping what in the Christ is happening with this story. Overall: You lost me. This was just unclear and hardly gave us much in the way of a kid story. Stuff happening to kids doesn’t really cut it so much, needed more agency, early on. The Understudy Notes: Right off the bat, you’re nailing this prompt. This is good kids voice, you set up a really dumb underthought kid plan with great clarity, and I am on board with your story. Very nice. I didn't have a problem with her. I mean, she was totally wrong for Peter Pan, but I didn't think she was disgusting. I like this. "I dare you," Marissa said, as her eyes darted around the room, "to take a sip of that gross stuff Kat always carries around." So happy you’re story went in this direction. Let this be a lesson to everyone. When you set up a scenario with a clear outcome, if the clear outcome happens, you have a lovely story. Tom should drink the poison, not Marissa. Good lesson for stories. Tony unscrewed the cap, and took a sniff. "This smells nasty," he said. We all leaned in close as he moved the bottle to his mouth. I was seriously about to tackle him for it, but then I thought: wouldn't it be fun to play Captain Hook? Yeah, they didn't usually let girls do it, but maybe they'd make an exception for me? Wasn't I villainous, more villainous than any of the boys? Yeah, this is still firing on all cylinders. Funny and good. [ii]I've never been one to turn down a dare. I drank, drank, and drank, making eye contact with Marissa the whole time. My stomach churned as the other campers cheered, and I just kept staring at Marissa, just to make sure, whatever the outcome, one of us would see this to the end.[/i]…. You had me until here. I don’t understand this ending. Overall: So for the most part, mostly everything here worked. Your voice was spot on, the stakes were established quickly and the motivations made sense. I loved how the character kept on referring to people and then mentioning their roles. It was a really nice touch. As for the ending… it doesn’t really feel like an ending? I mean your character wanted something, then didn’t get it, then very quickly rolled with the punches, and then the story kinda ends? Why does it matter that she’s staring at Marissa, Marissa has essentially nothing to do with any of this, she’s even characterized by the protag as not all that bad. This was still a pretty strong entry; I just wanted more out of the ending. Letters Notes: Right of the bat, lose “pouted” in your opening line, we can infer as much. Your first beat doesn’t get me excited to read everything else. You haven’t set up much, except for some curiosity about a letter, and some whiney kids. That’s not much of a hook. The next beat doesn’t do much else either. We learn that Edward is basically a standard big brother, trying then getting frustrated, fine. I don’t see why this is in a story. Richard brought the letters to the window anyways. You didn’t establish this tone, so don’t start up with it now. Good ending. Overall: Your ending saved your bacon here. I’ll admit I’m a little annoyed I didn’t see it coming, because in hindsight, it’s somewhat obvious. Regardless, it ended up being a sweet brother story and those always find my favor easily. The problems with your story start early and make it kind of difficult for there to be enough interest to carry your everyday sort of reader to the end. Really, who wants to read a story about a whiney kid and his lovely older brother? Of course, that’s not how it ends, but we spend the bulk of the story without that good bit of information. I’m not quite sure how to go about fixing that, but my 2 cents tells me that a story where we follow Edward a bit more instead of Richard, and see how he covers things up and has to suffer silently and stay strong for his brother may have overall been more compelling. Resizer Notes: Child narrator using the word embankment…oy vey. Not a great hook overall, haven’t given me much of a reason to care about this story anywhere in your first beat. Second beat is pure characterization, would’ve preferred to have some story happen. Ok, so I may be getting caught up on the prompt, but again, this is just bothering me. Sentences like this: Moments later, I saw the pyramid shaped cabin hovering along the tracks through the narrow cutaway of the birch trees. just don’t sound like they are coming from a kid POV. I’m annoyed with this because writing in a new voice is a fun opportunity and it seems like people are largely blowing it. So at this point, I’m halfway through the story and I have no idea what they’re going to do. They’ve done a lot of walking, and the story has basically been a “let’s round up the posse” type of deal. Now, don’t get me wrong, rounding up the posse is great… in a novel, but you’ve got 1200 words to play with and you’ve spent half of them not telling your story. This is a problem. My dad says that they only use these things on, wood and stone, but he told me that they could work on anything as long as it’s strong. I’ve avoided being pedantic and nitpicking grammar on everyone’s stories up until now. THOSE COMMAS brought me out of that however. What is with THOSE COMMAS 12 year olds don’t say iridescent. So help me, if one of these kids gets “resized” I’m going to very angry with you, authorperson. Oh good, they only squished a hobo. Nobody cares about hobos. Overall: You wrote a story where one thing happened. And that one thing was that a hobo got squished. That’s not very nice. Reconsider your life choices. We’re Not Supposed To (this is the best title so far, gives some idea as to what’s going on and sets a kidlike tone) Oh, and hey, a nice hook that gets things going, if not a little awkwardly phrased. Otherwise though, not bad. And now you're kinda losing me a bit with this description of the injury and the wound. Also, now I’m confused if the character was calling “uncle” as a plea for mercy or for their actual uncle. Oh it seems like it’s the latter. Now your hook is less hooky and promised something that isn’t being delivered. And now there’s blocking galore. This is getting harder to follow. Ok, I may just be a dumb guy, but why is the uncle(who is begrudgingly a real person and not a cry for mercy as your story got me excited for) firing a gun. What is happening? WHAT IS GOING ON?! Alright got to the ending. Still can’t tell you what this is about. Overall: Story starts with an injured person and then an uncle fires a gun. I don’t know. There’s too many kids doing too many things, moving around in too many places. This whole story just kinda loses me quickly. And seriously, I’ve probably said it enough at this point, but consider what it means when a kid shouts UNCLE and then some other kid won’t let them leave. The Treehouse Heist Notes: YAY! Now this is a hook that gets me into the story. Good word choice here, and I know what’s going on. “Sher-iff Devin is a poo-py butt,” came the song. “He eats his poop and he liiiiii-kes it.” I hate that this made me laugh; you’re a bad person. Reading this, I’m getting an Andy-playing-with-his-toys vibe. That is a good thing. Read the rest quickly. Overall: This was a good little action piece. I like that you told it straight. It helped contrast the dialogue. I wanted more, so well done there. I think that you nabbed the spirit of this prompt the best so far, but this was a little light. Play is a good place to explore what’s really going on with character but you didn’t go much below the surface here with that. Not a big deal really, this was strong. The Terrible Truth of (Personal) Space I had to stop and reread a bunch of stuff in your opening graph. he said, his eyes large as a hadron collider particle accelerator. naaaaahhhh 12 year olds analyze Shakespeare, what kinda school are these kids going to? Reading this I’m not quite sure what the deal is? Alright got to the end and I’m having a hard time with this one. Overall: Not really sure what you were going for here. These kids don’t feel like kids, which I think is kinda the point you’re going for but it doesn’t really make for a compelling story. I’m also hung up on what’s real and what’s not. It sure seems like this is imagination station, but these kids are 12 and seemingly doing really advanced schoolwork so that doesn’t really work. The alternative would be that they’re really in some kind of pickle and if that’s the case, I don’t think 12 year olds would be handling the situation with such aplomb. Big duck, little duck Starting your story with a character “not minding” something isn’t exactly a strong choice. Other than though, you painted a nice picture with your opener. Lose the “so” in your second graph. Halfway through and you’ve got me hoping for a good ending. I like this enough so far. Ending was kinda nice but didn’t really do much. Overall: This wasn’t much for story. Kinda similar in theme to what we’ve seen so far in that there’s an older sibling who ultimately does right by their younger sibling. Your whole story boils down to a bullshit mom dragging a 5 year old to a pageant, the kid doesn’t like it and the sister reassures her. Their relationship isn’t highlighted enough for the meat of the story to be that minimal in nature. This wasn’t bad, but it didn’t wow me. The Percussionists Notes: Decent enough opening. You tell us what’s up, the problem is defined nicely, and that attitude of what appears to be your protag is illustrated. Your dialogue is poppin. Making for a quick read. Nitpick point, just a preference thing, but start your character’s names with different letters. Makes for easier reading. He didn't hit his face, not hard, that doesn’t read nicely. Overall: Probably my favorite so far? The relationships are the focus and, fortunately, the highlight of the piece. The characters speak naturally to each other and another glimmer in the story is the comic imagery of the pathetic cannonball. It’s also a refreshing change of pace to have a friendship thing in what appears to be a sibling heavy week. Anyway, good story. Keys to the Kingdom Notes: Nice opening. Got me slightly concerned that it’s going to be hard to keep track of the characters/blocking throughout the story, let’s hope I’m wrong. The characterization of Leslie is solid. Not really much of an ending. Overall: Good little story. Not a whole lot in terms of plot, but that’s OK because, as in the last story, the relationship dynamics work. The kids are good I especially like the “can I edict that?” bit, you used language to decent effect here. Kinda wanted more out of the ending, it all just seems largely out of the protag’s hands. But otherwise, this was solid enough. It’s Not Much to Listen Notes: Oh sheeeeeyit, we got ourselves a heavy story a-brewin! Good opener, and liking the point of view from the kid. We get a ton of information very quickly and the voice is established. This is how it’s done, folks. His dad pushed him along and his dad went with my Mom into the living room. Ew. Read your stuff out loud please. And more pretty glaring proofing errors. This needs a cleanup pass. Ok, read the rest fairly easily, but that’s not so great in this situation. Overall: This is a big old bowl of JEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. Just a rough ending and I’m not sure what the point of the story was at all. Not sure I get what you were going for. This is a sad story for sadness’s sake. Don’t think you’re accomplishing all that much else. There we some nice touches here and there. The Big Bird blanket, for whatever reason, kinda resonated with me and helped paint the picture. Without a Clue Notes: Lotta unfamiliar stuff going on, hope my little brain can keep up. Alright, well I thought some other stories were avoiding the whole “these should sound like kids” element of the prompt, but you are just wholesale ignoring it entirely. These do not sound like kids. What even is this story? Who are these people and what is going on? I can’t keep track of any of this for the life of me. Overall: I’m kind of at a loss? It ends with a decapitation so that’s…. cool I guess? Oy Vey. The Lost Gold of Old Man Finkelstein Notes: Takes a bit to get going. Don’t really know what the kids are up to from the jump, could use a bit more here. Read the rest pretty quickly. It works kinda but I didn’t care about much of any of it and didn’t find anything particularly funny. Overall: Not sure what you were going for here. Not detecting any good chemistry between the kids that makes for a good story and the dialogue needs a bit of work. There were also some proofing problems. Didn’t dig the ending. Unruined Notes: Good Hook. Boy is this talk-heavy. Problem is, it’s not quite snappy enough to carry the story. I like the skeleton angle, and I like that the story is a bit distant from reality. Apart from that, I’m not getting much here. Overall- Gotta work on making the dialog more meaty, it does sound like it’s coming from kids, I’ll give you that, but it’s not moving the story enough and it’s not telling me enough about who the kids are. I don’t know, this was fine I guess, had a bit of a time following much of it but it kinda worked in parts. Dumb Baby Stuff Notes: First three graphs are worldbuildy and scene setting. Not poorly done or anything but there’s also not a lot to hook me in to the story until that very last bit. The imagery of the kids catching the parent's loving was striking and handled perfectly. I like this. Got through it quickly. Overall: Good story, with a lot of good little moments in it. The dynamic between the kids is solid and the backdrop of their imagination set in contrast to the real world events is nicely balanced. This was also one of the better endings of the week so far. Missing Pieces Notes: Hook has a pop culture reference that I got, but didn’t care for. About a quarter through and your voice is pretty solid, but there ain’t much in the way of a story so far. Halfway through now, still the same issue. And yeah, now we’re at the end and yeah… pretty much the same issue again. Overall: I enjoyed the read enough but not a whole happened that showcased strong choices. Could just be me running out of steam, or maybe the kittens clawing into my thighs, but I guess I’d like to see more. Not a horrible entry, but I wanted more.
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Jan 10, 2017 19:46
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Ironic Twist posted:hey, another Mafia guy Oh poo poo, that's where I know you from!
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Jan 14, 2017 07:14
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Aaaaaaand, it's gone!
Chili fucked around with this message at 12:38 on Jan 2, 2018 |
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Jan 16, 2017 08:51
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Sitting Here posted:thank you for the crits Aye, and that's awesome effort considering the stories were short. Thanks, sparks! Chili fucked around with this message at 03:42 on Jan 22, 2017 |
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Jan 22, 2017 02:49
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I'm up for being in, or judging. Your call Mr. Joe.
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Jan 24, 2017 09:32
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GenJoe posted:seriously feel free to twist these any way you want I don't want them to feel too restrictive Bringing me on to judge then?
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Jan 24, 2017 22:26
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Here are my crits. I actually liked this week better than our lead judges. There were about seven stories or so that I enjoyed reading. Anyway, here's my thoughts. Not read in judge mode, that way I know who is esteemed and I do not get egg on my face when I say someone who is good wrote a bad story.  Just kidding, you’re all bad and horrible.As always, happy to discuss anyone’s stories on IRC. The Eyes of Eris – Uranium Phallics Notes: Oooo I really hope that your character that we get to know is AI. That’s a really brilliant idea. Wait. Who is Cythea? I’m so confused. quote:“Ah yes. Diplomacy. That thing I’m best at.” Dialogue: not the thing you’re best at. There’s too many adjectives peppered throughout this, “most genuine smile” “happy chime” “jaunty tune”, eh just use better nouns. Also there’s too many little things happening here and this story is really tricky to follow. Welp, I have found the best thing that will ever come out of thunderdome everyone. : Alecta compressed her body structure and squeezed through the hole like a fleshy python. Overall : I had a bitch of time following the action of this story. I also couldn’t find my way to care about Alecta. I was far more interested in your AI character and would have enjoyed the story if it were told from its POV more. The Resurrection Man – The Cut of your Corpse Notes: Mister Bell? Clay? Is this The Wire fanfiction. Good god I hope it’s The Wire fan fiction. About halfway through now, and I’m digging this. These characters contrast each other nicely and they both sound different. Good control. Finished the rest, rather quickly. Overall: Solid entry. Clear action, good relationships, characters do things that make sense based on who they are and what we’ve learned about them. I also didn’t want to see Clay die and I think you accomplished that by referring to him as Bell’s patient right after he’s wounded. It mattered to both of them that he survived. You managed to insert some give-a-fucks into your story. Good. The Job – Laggymouse Notes: Your story is taking forever to get started. There’s a job that needs to be done, and a guy doesn’t want to do it. That’s fine for like… 50 words, but you’re going into the hundreds and I have no idea who these people are, or what this job is, so why should I care? “furrowed his brow” pet peeve, but I hate this Yeah, you’re whole first segment just doesn’t do anything. This is a pretty standard “I’ve hung up my guns” type of deal you didn’t need to spend forever and a day getting there. It’s not as though Jameson won’t do the job, what the hell else could happen? Yeah 2nd beat starts and sure enough that’s where he is. You gotta go bigger or different if you’re gonna make us wait that long. You’ve just joined the “genuine smile” club for this week. He fought his way up to the counter and tried to force a smile at the woman behind it. quote:“Jameson O’Connell, here for Michael Redfern.” This is 133 words that are pretty much unnecessary. They don’t accomplish anything for your story and we’ve already been made to wait a whole hell of a lot before we learn anything about this job that the title promises. Oh fuuuuuuuuccccckkk that ending. Overall: This is like reverse Reservoir Dogs and it sucks butts. I get what you’re trying to do, tell a story that leads up to the job. That’s fine, but something interesting has to happen. Ask yourself what about this story could any given reader not predict. Nothing happens, I don’t care, there are no stakes and now I’m so upset that I’m going to demand that the next story I read get a DM. Ears – Venomous Notes: Oh dear, is that a typo or is your character stroking out? Oh good, Italian jizz. Alright, so you’re doing an accent. I thought your keyboard was broken. Here’s the deal, I don’t know how read this and make it sound the way you intend. I checked in IRC and it seems like it’s generally not considered a great idea to write out the phonetics of an accent. Why? Cos most of the time, like now, your reader will be a big dumb and will not know how to pronounce it. /rant, back to the story. “I’m about to sigh a relief, but then the biggest lightbulb ever made explodes in Ricky’s head and he gasps at me.” Don’t love “ever made”. This is weak prose and you can probably do better. One thing I’m noticing. We don’t know when this is happening. I’m guessing night? In which case they’ve already managed to break into the Louvre and they’re being quite flippant and casual about it. Or they’re in there during the day and you’re not telling us anything about the crowd. Kinda problematic either way. Oh, cool “"Well, okay, that one’s small and there isn’t bulletproof glass around it, but do you really want to go through with this in broad daylight?" So now we know, but we should have known sooner cos, ideally, I wouldn’t have had that question for so long. The repeating seminal references are… odd. I think you were going for funny, but it’s not quite landing and it’s just getting weird. Alright, this is just tons of talking with occasionally soliloquizing and nothing is happening. Also, you sometimes end paragraphs Like that, and it doesn’t look right. I get that you’re trying to show an interruption of though but a dash might work here, or maybe ellipses. I don’t know, ask someone smarter than me. UMMM WHAT THAT ENDING?? Overall: You didn’t tell a story so much as two guys and one guy remembering better stories than the one he is currently in. Well not currently, anymore because you threw him into the Seine… for reasons? I didn’t really care that he died, and I certainly couldn’t quite tell you why. My best guess is that he’s suffered from PTSD or something and hasn’t gotten help. But I can’t be sure and I’m wondering why, of the one thing to happen in your story, you chose to go with a suicide. The missing ingredient – Chernabog Notes: Welcome to the genuine smile club, we needed a vice president! Got some missing commas, like in “aye captain”. Anyway read most of the rest of this fairly quickly. It’s not bad. Overall: It’s a story. Your character wants something. We see him try and get it, and it works. That’s more than most have offered thus far. The story, in content feels like it’s supposed to be funny, but none of it really made me laugh and the moments that seemed like jokes, didn’t quite land. Smalldog – Chairchucker Notes – Fun hook, I’m on board. We also learn a great deal about this character in a minimal amount of time. This is good story telling. I’m a sucker for these kinds of stories, where characters have mundane conversations while treating the threat like a nuisance. Feeling like this’ll be a story I go to the matt for. This dog is the best. Ok, read the rest quickly. Overall—Dog stories are risky. Feel like they’re easy to land on the top or bottom piles. Forutnatley, this is a top piler for me. Good humor, some nice growth in there too for the dad. I would say that, that his characterization is a little weak, but that’s made up for because we get to know the dog a widdle. Anyway, the story got me to care; it also got me to laugh. I liked this a lot. Driverless – Benagain Notes: First couple of paragraphs are a little clunky. I’m finding the POV confusing. Looks like you’re going for some kinda middle ground between an all knowing narrator and the character as well. I’ve seen that done well before, but it’s not quite clicking here. This is really messy and it’s hard to tell if it’s purposeful? I’m inclined to think that it’s not for the most part. It seems like your character has an accent or something, but I’m not sure how that helps you or why it’s good for your character to speak with broken English. But then there’s sentences like this: “Finish lesson, jamming on passenger side brakes the entire way.” And I’m not quite sure what you’re going for? And I’m lost. I don’t know what’s happening and I don’t care. Overall: This was a hard to follow mess, that seemed, like many stories this week, to go for humor and not quite get there. I’m not sure who these people are, and I can’t sort out their motivations or even tell why they are in the places they are in. Arrival – Hawklad Notes: Starting off this is a bit messy and tricky to follow. I’ve had to go back and re-read some things. Also, I haven’t seen the movie, but I’m just guessing that this has something to do with the recent film of the same name? Yeah this is just one of those types of stories that can’t seem to hold my attention. I’m not sure what is going on with the alien things and why people care. I’m just kinda lost going through this. Overall – The parallels with the pregnancy and the alien are… fine? It’s not really subtle but then, it was one of the few things I could wrap my head around in this story. I’d be interested to see sort of a flo-chart of events for this. You did do some work on making these characters believable, in a sense, but I’m not getting much else out of this. The Bride-to-Be – Katdicks Notes: That’s a pretty hefty opening line. Could’ve been punchier. The paragraph itself has a couple of adverbs you don’t need, if you ditched precariously and unsurprisingly, the meaning is still all there and it’ll feel less cumbersome. I really liked the letter into the next pargraph where he reveals the knife. I wish it stopped there and we didn’t get a flashback. It’s cool that the gift of a silver dagger is essentially a warning and letting the readers imagine that for themselves would be more effective. I get that you’re explaining how she got taken, but I’m not sure how much it matters. Overusing trembling. We know that Leo is a trembler by now. And now his knees buckles… it’s a bit much. You’re showing, which is good, but it’s getting distracting. Yeah, see, now through exposition we’re learning how she got caught anyway from Von Kreet. I would definitely ditch the flashback. You’d get to the action faster and would build some intrigue along the way. OOOOOKKK, I actually kinda like that ending. Overall: I always get annoyed with potential binary endings. Either he’ll win, or he’ll lose. There needs to be more to make it special. You accomplished that by earning the victory through a loophole. So that’s good. In a way this feels coming-of-agey which is a tough thing to accomplish in such a short period of time. This needs tightening. A snappier opener, and get rid of the flashback and this has some potential. It’s good otherwise. Home Office – Metrofreak Notes: Starting a story with a character waking up is usually a harbinger of a bad time. I hope that isn’t the case here. OK, so we’ve got a problem: quote:He was downstairs a minute later, used mug in hand. He’d walked silently past the doors upstairs. He needn’t worry about waking Amanda or Ethan, not anymore, but old habits died hard. He put on the kettle, pulled a fresh mug out of the cupboard, set it next to his stained one and spooned out an equal measure of instant coffee, sugar and powdered creamer into both. Look at how all of these sentences start. This is a mistake that gets corrected if you do the thing that nobody wants to do… read your story out loud. You’ll catch how crappy these sentences sound when you string them all together like that HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE Anyway, all that aside, we’re a couple hundred words in so far and this dude is boring as piss. He’s woken up, watched the new and got his mail. Why should anyone care about this boring boring dude? Oh, OK, a girl left him. That’s… something at least, but I wish you had gotten here sooner. I think it’s Ebeef who always says that you’ve gotta pretty much get all of the information you can into your first 100 words. We needed to learn about Amanda in like… the first paragraph, maybe the second. Jeeez… this is just… why does this matter? It’s a guy just doing things in his house. Come oooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. And now I’m wondering why in the world we needed the story to open with Times. You’ve wholesale abandoned that halfway through. Overall: This isn’t a story. You took the prompt to mean “let’s get inside a guys head and see what he sees” which is fine, but there’s nothing about this that’s compelling or engaging to read. These are essentially journal entries. And now, I don’t know who James is. I can’t tell you anything about him. Why? Because you didn’t challenge him. He had a breakup sure, but you got throw something at him so we can see how he handles a situation on the fly. You gotta go bigger than this. You also seemed far too concerned with your flashrule. Genjoe said over and over again that writers were encouraged to expand upon their flashes as much as they like, so there wasn’t necessarily a reason to adhere so tightly to it. One Too Many – Kenfucius Notes: Good opening. Nice scene setting and opening on a fire gives some immediate stakes. quote:Walt nodded approvingly at the command in his partner’s tone. You’re starting to lose me a bit at the bar. You’re getting away from action and just straight up telling us how your character is feeling. And then you do it again with the relationship between the partners in that they “always know” Feeeehhhh Overall: Not much of a story. A thing happens, a guy gets drunk, decides to quit his job. Those are the beats and they’re fairly predictable and lack much in the way of interest or punch. I respect that you really went for the prompt. In fact, you may have made gone the most directly towards the “human character” bit, which is nice, but before that your story needs to have something else that makes it worth reading. We hear about a fire, we never see them interact with it. We hear about this relationship that these partners have, but we don’t see much of in practice. There’s good elements here, you just need to tease them out a bit more. May contain: - sebmojo Notes: I’m sure you’ve caught your glaring typo in the first line of the story by now. But allow me to echo what I’m hoping you’ve been hearing from others: shame on you. Honked petulantly? There’s a couple of reasons why that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. quote:Elanor shook her head. “I’m having a baby.” She swung the wheel hard right and took the ramp to the liquor store carpark with a bump, then slid her car into the handicapped slot, yanked the handbrake and clambered out of the car, grabbing her keys as an afterthought. Good blocking/action. Good ending as well. Overall: The length of the story did you a lot of favors because not a whole lot happened but we did get a nice little glimpse into someone’s heart. There were some clever things in there too like not having space and what not, I saw what you were doing there. Not bad, but definitely could have done with more. As it happens, there ain’t much going on in the story and I think more time with these characters doing something challenging or having to deal with something together would’ve been interesting. Mr. Blood – jon joe Notes: Blee a missing word in your opener. What are you taking lessons from sebmojo? Your first paragraph in the second beat is a mess. Third beat starts with you telling us that something is odd. Don’t do that. If it’s odd, show us. You probably are planning doing that anyway, but don’t waste time stating it outright. Oh… so this is a farce? You got stones. Let’s hope it works. Overall: Hey, it kinda works! There are some difficult to parse out bits, especially because we don’t know what’s happening when and we basically can’t know until we read the next beat what the current beat is, but that’s true of most farces that aren’t perfect. There are some that accomplish perfect clarity throughout with confusion that only the characters see and not the reader, but that’s the gold standard and really tricky to pull off. Otherwise, this is a pretty good effort. Not sure how well it addressed the human character element of the prompt, but it works. The Outlaw Josey Graves – Tyrannosaurus Notes: Opener is solid. I like the character already and the humor lands. Halfway through and realizing that I haven’t commented on anything yet because I’m too busy enjoying the story. So that’s good. Well OK you just threw in an unnecessary brow furrowing. So that takes you down a bit. Yaaaayyy, I liked this story!! Overall: Probably my favorite so far. Good coming of age. I believed in your character’s transformation. This worked on just about every level and even the little bits of “level up” humor were nice and kept the story light and springy without diminishing the stakes. A Little Medicine Bad Seafood Notes: Strong opening I’m finding the repetitive nature of the prose somewhat tiring. I get that it’s purposeful, and likely done for effect, but it’s just not clicking. I think once or twice with “Niles couldn’t do that, he never could do that” type of thing can be helpful and productive in telling a good story, but you’re leaning on it a bit too much and it’s losing a lot of punch. Hmmmm Overall: Well this is a sweet little moment between father and daughter, but I’m having a hard time with the opening now. He’s sitting on a lot of things that make him upset, so it almost seems like he’s asking to die because he’s bummed and not a burden? The things in this story that are good, are really good. Audrey mannerisms, for example, and how she comes home from work…. All handled very well. But I’m a little lost for what the story is and how things have changed because of the events in the story. I liked reading it, but I guess it didn’t leave me satisfied. It’s Not Something You Can Leave Behind – Fuschia tude Notes: good opening. We get information quickly and you don’t waste time. Ok, read the rest pretty quickly. Overall : A sad story, but handled decently. The nature of grief is a tricky one to deal with in a short story but you did a nice job. I also dig that you just kinda went for it and put in some magical poo poo. Good times, and not enough people took that route this week, so good on you for that. When we think about a character wanting something and seeing them get it or not, it’s usually important for there to be something at the end to speak to the nature of the journey and you did a nice job of encapsulating the journey. I liked
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Jan 31, 2017 14:47
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Just to clarify, you're looking for script format for a piece that could hypothetically be acted? Would appreciate a clarification on this as well.
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Feb 2, 2017 07:36
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Tyrannosaurus posted:I have added clarifications. Are stage directions ok? That's my question; I think it's muffins as well.
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Feb 2, 2017 14:59
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Alright, enough pussyfooting out of me; in.
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Feb 2, 2017 21:49
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Aaaaaaand, it's gone!
Chili fucked around with this message at 12:38 on Jan 2, 2018 |
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Feb 6, 2017 03:39
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Aaaaaaand, it's gone!
Chili fucked around with this message at 12:39 on Jan 2, 2018 |
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Feb 6, 2017 04:37
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Feb 7, 2017 05:10
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I don't plan on doing anything fantastical, but just in case
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Feb 7, 2017 06:59
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Aaaaaaand, it's gone!
Chili fucked around with this message at 12:39 on Jan 2, 2018 |
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Feb 13, 2017 07:54
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Congrats on the twofer, Thranguy. Please allow me to remind you, however, that this is supposed to be a thread about bad words, not good ones.
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Feb 22, 2017 03:15
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None of you bitches are loving anyone.
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Feb 24, 2017 08:29
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Feb 24, 2017 08:36
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Oh and Beef or Muffin.... I will accept a flash rule from either of you. Whoever is first. Come at me.
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Feb 24, 2017 08:39
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BeefSupreme posted:Chili/Muffin, I will also take a flash rule Pfft, I knew my amazing display of brass balls would lead to a one-up. But whatever. I'm giving you three choices. 1. A standard flash rule: If your characters talk, they do so while their mouths have food in them. Or you can take a flash handicap On your honor, you must: 2. Type your whole story with only one hand. OR 3. Listen to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sruEnQ9HkU on repeat, at any point that you're adding or fixing lovely words to your story. Choose anyone of those three, and post your choice before you start your story.
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Feb 24, 2017 09:25
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Sitting Here posted:so apparently this is a thing Butterscotch should be our dog. 
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Feb 25, 2017 22:37
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Aaaaaaand, it's gone!
Chili fucked around with this message at 12:39 on Jan 2, 2018 |
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Feb 27, 2017 04:49
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BeefSupreme posted:I'd like to thank my mom, I wouldn't be here without yo--- Score! Whatever you do, you've got a co-judge in me!
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Feb 28, 2017 23:39
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Julias posted:In Unconventional Weaponry
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Mar 1, 2017 07:31
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Uranium Phoenix posted:In. I'll take a flash rule and Man vs. Beast (just sounds nice to say that, but gender is up to you)
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Mar 1, 2017 07:43
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Deltasquid posted:In, and please give me a flash rule. Your fight occurs on unstable ground. GenJoe posted:in and please flash rule me thank u (kissyface) There is a great disparity in the size of at least two of your combatants.
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Mar 1, 2017 18:13
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Aaaaaaand, it's gone!
Chili fucked around with this message at 12:39 on Jan 2, 2018 |
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Mar 3, 2017 06:16
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CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITS All read in judgemode. But, of course, I remembered some of the flash rules I handed out and who they ended up going to. Otherwise this was fairly impartial. Caveats! I don't’ read good. So if you went experimental or a little “out” you may have lost me. That happened a few times. Also, my sanity began to wither somewhere at about ⅔ into this so take it all as it is! Also, if you have any interest in talking about your story, come find me in IRC! I love taking shop! You Fight Like a Girl Running Notes - I’m seeing a lot of X did N to Y and then Y did M to X. This is boring and flat prose and makes for stale action. I get that these guys are doing things to each other, but there’s so little description as to what’s going on. Oh, and that’s all. Overall - OK. Well this was short and mildly amusing with a somewhat whackadoo ending. I didn’t hate this because I didn’t have enough time to hate this. That’s… an odd consolation prize but I guess it works. The fighting itself is brief, yet confusing. I get that this is an in-n-out story, but some more color in the proper fight would have helped you here. Otherwise, this kind of reads like a flat telling of The Aristocats. 5/10 Duke Guncock and the Golden Funnel Running Notes - Broloseeum. And with one quick word you have earned losertar immunity as far as I’m concerned. Well done. OK, broletariat. Another good one, but if this continues you may start to lose some charm on this. Brocialism, I guess I’m still with you. Also you're doing a nice job of recapping a fight, so I’m still with you. Brobots… and broligarch. I love to hate you. Through the first two beats, and I’m digging this so far. You’re pacing is spot on on. We see what the motivation is and in spite of the humor which is, at once, good and distracting, the story is working. Also, you seem to have retired some of the bro stuff, a wise move. Oh, nevermind. More brostuff. Most of the time it’s clever enough so I’m OK with this. Onto the training montage… and I’m kinda with you here. The leg day joke is kinda tired at this point and I’m not sure how much we need this. But you know, a good old training montage can be good part of a fight thing. So it’s still working. Oh, that ending. Bro gently caress Yourself. Overall - Alright, this was good. The tone and the humor are a bit over the top at times, but you went for something big and kept it consistent. A real struggle with pieces like this is that sometimes, things start to fall flat toward the end. Ending on a stupid pun is a fun choice and one I’ve enjoyed doing myself as it gives a nice shaggy dog feel, which I’m always a huge fan of. Anyway, your fight choreography is remarkable. It’s clear and introduces fun and playful elements and that’s a tough act to balance. This was a solid entry and is an early HM pick for me for sure. I like this story’s guts and I liked the execution. 9/10 Sacred Running Notes - Alright, from the top you got me ready for a fight with a dragon. That means there better be a fight with a dragon or something of equal or better value. The opening is longer than it needs to be. Consider the information the audience cares about. A dragon took protag’s kid. There’s a faster, snappier way to get this going but spend 250 words doing so. Proofing error He tried to think of there were. Little distracting as the other stories so far were well polished. Also, I just don’t think we need this He tried to think of there were any other boys of the same name near Aberfirth, then tried to convince himself he’d heard the name wrong, but no self-deception could sooth the chill in his blood or the drums in his heart. Pretty much at all. If there’s one thing readers can understand, it’s that a parent will go after their child. We don’t need much more than that and you gave it to us from the jump. Just in sight of the crags, the knight found himself sprawled on the ground, mud coating his leather cuirass and his crossbow nestled in a bush, the bolts scattered about. Wait what? When did this happen? It’s also wildly confusing how you go from calling your MC both “the knight” and “ingram” pick one. Decent fight choreography. Not a whole lot happens but the resulting pain is kinda what sells it. When fighting a dragon there’s a couple of ways for your story to work successfully, and choosing a “realistic” victory versus and over-the-top dragon slaying metal experience is a fine choice and helps avoid cliche. I’m a little unclear why he was so ready to kill himself with the fairy at the end. Maybe something at the beginning with him examining the thing? Overall - This was serviceable. Which is a thing I hate to hear when I write a story, but that’s kind where it was for me. I don’t see why you wasted time with other characters at all. The interesting and worthwhile part of your story is Dad vs. Dragon. If you spend more time on that and less with other characters bailing on your protag before the confrontation even starts you probably coulda built for more investment in your reader. Anyway, the fight was clear and realistic considering, y’know, dragon. But more time spent on showing the power and terror of the moment leading up the fight itself and less on ancillary characters that we don’t care about would have improved this a fair bit. 7/10 The Disciple Running Notes - This may seem pedantic, but it’s your first sentence “irritated individual” is a really lovely alliterative and doesn’t sound nice at all. It immediately put a sour taste in my mouth. Nevermind the fact that both of those words are just… not good? We know that a person is an individual. There are so many better one word options that could fit: miscreant, ingrate, etc. The word carried a sense of resentment. - Telling, not showing. We already know he’s an irritated individual, but perhaps he can say this through clenched teeth? That conveys what you’re going but we don’t have to take your word for it. OK, so Lysander is just a bitter student. Or at least, that’s all I’m getting so far. He kinda seems like a huge d-bag. “This isn’t how alumni generally greet me,” Adriatus said, leaning out from behind a tree to Lysander’s right. “Would you care to explain?” Aww yis. This may not be anything special but I love calm in the face of danger. Conveys real power and is serving as a nice contrast to this Lysander fella. Roman candle is an out of place reference. You’re crazy,” he said. “Attempted murder because you flunked a class.” Can’t quite put my finger on it, but this a weid tonal shift. Up till now, he sounded very Dumbledorey. This was less-so. Woah now. What is this Lysander’s deal? He’s setting fire to a school and potentially killing children for what reason again? Just because you have a character call him out for being ridiculous doesn’t excuse the motivation not making sense to a reader. I dig that this shifts from magic to punches. Clever and gives a good sense of weight. Hm, I guess that works well enough for an ending. Overall - There’s some prose issues, but I got what you were going for in your story. The villain’s motivation is just kinda over-the-top and I’m not totally buying it. Especially -- and sorry to do this, but I’m going back to the beginning -- when you simply characterized him as an “irritated individual”. That makes him sound like a greasy haired actuary who has been made to wait a bit too long at the DMV. Give your villain some power from the jump. Don’t hold your punches. I also found Adriatus more interesting than Lysander. Could’ve done with some more characterization from him before he was immediately put into the role of protector of the school. That’s a role anyone in his position would take. Why should we care about him as an individual? Overall, this was fine. Fix up the prose a bit. Use strong nouns, and shoot for more showing and less telling. 6/10 This is Canonically a Part of the Star Wars™ Expanded Universe Running Notes - I want to like your opening but it’s very clunky to read. I get the broad strokes of what you’re going for but it didn’t bring me in. He swam every weekday, so he wasn’t fat anymore. Instead, he had that thin swimmer’s body and was tan too. He always had that faint smell of chlorine on him, though. Point of improvement: When you’re editing, do a search for “that” and delete it when you don’t need it. Y’know like in the case of both of these sentences. “A” would work much better. Justin laughed and then pulled his arm back to hit him again. But, when we he swung down, Bobby blocked it with his forearm. Then, he grabbed the stick and janked real hard, and Justin’s grip loosened and it fell to the ground. Read this out loud, your action is clunky. The bad fights this week have a lot of THIS HAPPENED, THEN THIS HAPPENED. Ugggggh. I’m a sucker for brother stories. But this Justin dude is just so irredeemable so far. Their relationship starts off nasty and it’s not getting much better. I guess I’m supposed to want Justin to “get it” in the end. Either by being punished or coming around. But really, Bobby just seems like a well put together person and Justin a dipshit. Not sure why I should care about the latter or worry about the former. There was some were. I don’t get this ending. Overall - Yeah, this is just snapshots of a decent person and a lovely person. I hated Justin all the way through, he’s just a nasty piece of poo poo brother. I may resent him especially and have a hard time finding some kind of silver lining to him if there is one because being a big brother is the best thing in the loving world and people who blow it like this are utter poo poo heads. Anyway, there isn’t so much of a fight as much as there snapshots of cruelty. This didn’t really go anywhere and it didn’t feel like either characters grew or changed all that much. 4/10 Single Bedroom. Two Residents Running Notes - A cursory glance at this and I’m shuddering over the formatting. This looks like a mess. And I’m getting started and this, in fact, a mess. You can’t possibly win with a story formatted like this and it could easily tip you from a DM to a loss. Preview edit your submissions, make sure they look decent. Judging can be a pain in the rear end and running into a story like this feels just rude and makes me want to rush through it and move on to someone who has more respect for my time. Why, oh why, are you slamming on your return key so much? I did this for my first entry and it’s part of the reason why I lost. It may be part of the reason why you lose to, if you do. And seriously, you’re going to come up with an awesome idea of a married couple literally fighting over a divorce? That’s an idea that deserves some attention and care, why did this have to be yours?! Wait, just because he chose axes, does Lucille not get one? Where’s her ax? Oh? She has one? Crawling with an axe seems hard and improbable. UCCCCH what even is that ending? Overall - This bums my poo poo, because again, what an idea. I love this idea. This idea alone deserves an HM. But the fight itself is barely worth any interest. The formatting is a disaster, the POV oddly shifts, we don’t get to know or care about either of these characters so the victory is irrelevant…. There’s so many quibbles and gripes I have with this. But perhaps the worst is the ending because it feels an awful lot like you’re going for some kind of joke or punchline and it’s just so aggressively boring. Like what even is that? A small reveal of a minor strategic choice, that by the way is essentially physiological nonsense? Who cares? This let me down; I’m not happy. 3/10 Secret of the Silent Fist Running Notes - Nice image in the opener. I don’t get a ton of info, but I can see the scene in my head. This is good dialogue. I’m getting to know The Silent Fist through his tone and the small little bits of description throughout. The action could be a bit smoother, but I like the small touch of giving the flunkies blocking and appearance based names. Helps keep things relatively clear. I’m reading through the rest of this quickly. The action is nice and springy and you handled the volleyball net, which was my suggestion very nicely. Aw, I liked that ending. Overall - A nice, quick read, that sported functional prose, likeable characters, and clear action. This was a strong entry. Characterizing the peons was a smart and helpful choice, and the ending didn’t feel unsatisfying because it was at once surprising and believable. 8/10 Rise of the Rebel King, or; How I lost my hand Title is capitalized oddly and if you’re going for Dr. Strangelove you’re looking for a colon and not a semicolon. I’m OK with the opening. The scene is set relatively well and we know who these people are. Granted, in their eyes, it was all Thravvin waters. Huh? Uch, OK. I really like the fact that we’re in first person but here’s the deal. Fights are quick. Forming of thoughts and things like “I wasn’t stupid enough to think I could push that aside one handed.” just don’t carry a sense of urgency and don’t make it feel like your character is at risk. And again “I suspected he spoke from empirical experience.” That’s just not a thought I believe a sane person has in a fight. He’s the underdog here, it’s likely he’ll die, why is he “suspecting” anything. I kept my eyes sword woops. And just when you’re trying to stick the landing: I raised the point my blade and threw up my left arm in a desperate block, I lost it. Come on… Overall: There’s a lot about this I wanted to like but the proofing errors and the narrator's thought process often brought this to a halt. There was a really nice, kinetic feel to your action and the fighting was clear. I didn’t realize that your MC was a prisoner and on a quick re-check at the intro, I’m still not seeing it. I may have missed something but it definitely didn’t land for me. That being said, you kinda took the easy route here. By making your hero the smaller character, and the underdog, we inherently want to root for him. That’s OK, I guess. But we’ve seen it before. Why not go bold with this? Maybe make the big guy the underdog? Large but unskilled as a tiny warrior outmaneuvers him. I’m not taking off points because you didn’t go there, but that kinda choice would be more surprising and fresh. Anyway, the fighting was good enough to carry the rest of the piece, but it didn’t wow me. And clean things up please. Edit and proofread, some of those mistakes were bad and obvious. 6/10 Pink Collars Little heavy on “knees” right out of the gate. This is your opener, scrutinize over these words more than any others. There’s a relatively consistent issue here with you not being clear on who is saying what. Most of the time I can figure it out, but you want the reader to not have to figure out. You want us along for the ride. I like the cabbie so far, and I’m seeing where the fight will be. I also like he’s too tall to fit in the cab and I’m also a fan of him being the MC. You took the advice I gave the last writer. And the whole fight is distilled down to one action. I guess that’s a choice to make, but I’m not expecting BeefSupreme to be happy since, you know this prompt was all about a fight. There’s a ton of build up to this moment and for it all to resolve that quickly…. Overall: Eh. I think the strength of this story was in its believability. This did all feel like something that could happen. I’m a little unclear as to what the pink collar motif was and why this guy cared so much about these pink-collared people. May just be something that sailed over my head as I’m now 9 stories deep into this week. Anyway, there was a whole lot of stuff that led up to essentially one sentence of solid action. And that sentence itself wasn’t a prose haymaker so the story kinda falls down a bit. 6/10 Asimov’s Laws and the Apocalypse Running Notes: Ooooooo robot fights. Liking the struggle with sentience vs non-sentience. Suddenly, I’m unclear as to why Rho is attacking Delta. It seems odd and out of place and that’s gonna color how I read the rest of the fight. The neutral “why” from Delta is oddly chilling and well done. The rest of this was good. Overall: OK, so I came around to this. I think of all the stories so far this one has done the best job of the fight being part of the story. It wasn’t overdone, or heavy handed, but it provided a clever look into what violence is. You managed to make me care about robots in a week where people have made it hard to care about dying humans. Well done. 8/10 Guardian Strong and visceral opening. I don’t know who these people are, but I want to know more. Good start. Second paragraph is… jarring, though that certainly seems intentional. I’m getting slightly worried about clarity. I want to know more about the grey. It’s been mentioned quite a bit through the third paragraph and at this point I’m gonna shift from curious to frustrated if it keeps on getting mentioned instead of explored. So far, you’re handling injury better than anyone this week. The character’s pain is clear and strong. Ok, this is now shifting in flight-of-ideas territory and that’s a style that never lands for me. I’m gonna try and stay focused because the prose is worth is thus far. Got the end, but call me JJ Abrams, because I am lost. Overall : Couldn’t follow much of this. Ideas were placed before clarity and it led to a failure in execution. This may have had one of my favorite openers of the week though. That can’t redeem a story that struggled to make much sense though. Whenever I feel a story fails on execution, however, I must remind the writer that I have the reading comprehension of an ape drooling into a bucket. 6/10 Radical Self-Careless Running Notes: “I loving hate you,” says Maggie. She lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah. That feels good. I. hate. You. I hate you! Of all the words to miss a capitalization on in your opener… hate? OK, well at least we finally get a female protagonist. Though it looks like a barking mad one. Looks like we’re getting a story where someone will beat the poo poo out of themselves. Eh, gently caress it, I’m board. What you got? This is just sad to read. So I have some bias here. I’ve worked with people who have self harmed and beaten themselves in secure treatment centers. This person doesn’t seem to be in one. This is just way over-the-top. Overall: So I guess you wanted to bum the reader out and make them sad? I don’t know, if so, mission accomplished I guess. The problem with a story like this is that there’s obviously something wrong with Maggie but before we have any chance to learn anything about her or how she got like this, she’s kicking the crap out of herself. So what that means is we’re just watching something sad and not caring. It’s an empty, unfair sadness. There’s no relief at the end, because at that point my brain has decided that I can’t care about a person I don’t know. The rough nature of the fight was handled well, and I like the idea of a person fighting herself but the execution didn’t quite match up. 6/10 Black and Blues “The stage set aflare; Sparklers and light beams blasted the majestic stage, as the spectators roared with anticipation.” The theme this week seems to be clunky openers. I don’t know why sparklers is capitalized and you say stage twice. This is clunky. This is your shot to convince the reader that you have written matters. Don’t squander it. The groupies murmured, whispering rumors and heresy about the reasons for the sudden hiatus. Woops. But you did inadvertently win sentence of the week. So, well done there. Wait, is Lizzie saying “pluuugh” that is a strange thing to say. Also, why is she hitting people. This is a silly silly person. OK this is probably the goofiest motivation for a fight yet. Lolwut drumsticks in a throat. ohjeeeezis Ok this is just bananas and not in a good way. Overall : I think this story needs some attention, maybe a line crit or something. There’s a lot to unpack with where this thing went wrong. Suffice to say the reason for the fight makes little to no sense and what happens in the fight is light years away from the tone you were fostering. It’s OK for something to be shocking but I don’t think you were looking for the kinda laugh I found in the drunk sticks going through the throat bit. 4/10 Many Beasts If the Sorceress has faced worse beasts than the one she’s facing now, why aren’t we seeing that story instead of this one? Oh god, and she’s not flinching. So she doesn’t care and she’s not worried, so why should I be? The sulfurous smell made the Beast's nose wrinkle, and it took a few steps back, it's limbs unsteady from the electricity that still crackled across it's fur. Woops. And you do it again later. The really annoying part is that you don’t make this mistake consistently which means you may know better and that this is just sloppy. “There wasn't any doubt that she would prevail then. The fight was just delaying the inevitable.” You keep on pleading with me to not give one flying gently caress about your story. Why in the world would I read about delaying the inevitable? Overall: Seriously, this couldn’t have been more boring. The fight was fine but over and over again you harp on how powerful this sorceress is and that the fight is inconsequential. Why read this then? And gently caress that poo poo at the end. She won the fight and that knight’s a little bitch. I might just be cranky because I have to go to bed but this story bothered me. 4/10 Riley’s Last Ride Opening is pretty and I want to see more. Oh poo poo, this got real. Love the PI angle, hoping this story works. YOU’VE GOT ME HOPING, WHOEVER YOU ARE “Before I can get it together, the lug hauls me out the window like a side of beef on his meathooks and I flop to the greasy pavement. poo poo”. Good sentence. Great contrast. Well done here. “I slam the shot glass into his right orbit like breaking into a creme broulee. There’s a quick crunch then the smooth squish as the glass presses into his socket and his eyeball fills the glass with a sick suction sound like a novelty stress ball. 103rd Street Monocle.” HELL YEAH Overall : Yeah, this was good. Good action, great voice. Clear, and stylish through and through. Not gonna waste time picking this apart. Good job. 9/10 Piss and Vinegar “You think you can talk to her?” a voice asked, almost familiar. “Do whatever you want?” Zach didn’t have time to think. Question? Not really getting much of the motivation behind this. But it does seem like senseless is what you’re going for here. Alright, read the rest quickly. This was kinda by the books. Action was OK, didn’t really care too much about anyone though. Overall: This didn’t make a huge impression on me. I don’t really know Zach or why I should care about him which means that the stakes weren’t there and the action was mindless and inconsequential. It worked OK though. 6/10 One Last Job Strong opening. You grabbed me and me feel like I was being talked to by these characters. I knew them at once, though we'd one just met. woops Well, I suppose I should judge. A wild guess that this is meant to be shouldn’t. If not, then it’s odd and I don’t get it. Alright, this was a quick and enjoyable enough read but it didn’t make an impression on me. Overall: Kinda what I just wound up saying. I’m not entirely sure who these people are or why I should care about them. The action is kinda slick and it functions decently but overall, this didn’t land any evocative or cathartic blows like better pieces this week did. 6/10 Chili fucked around with this message at 12:07 on Mar 6, 2017 |
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Mar 6, 2017 11:43
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BeefSupreme posted:I SAID I'D JUDGE Done. I am your judge. Your brawl is simple. Write me a story that takes place in a courtroom. Use 2,000 words or less to find a way to please me. You have until this time next week. I hate you both immensely.
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Mar 6, 2017 11:48
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In. 
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Mar 6, 2017 22:42
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Aaaaaaand, it's gone!
Chili fucked around with this message at 12:40 on Jan 2, 2018 |
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Mar 13, 2017 03:45
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Chili posted:Done. This was initially set for 5:38 EST but I'll be on the lookout for these by 10PM EST.
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Mar 13, 2017 05:25
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Yup, that sounds about right. Thanks for the fast judging and double thanks for the fast critting Jibs and Mrenda!
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Mar 13, 2017 19:35
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Court Brawl: Judgement One of the things I was secretly hoping for in this brawl was for the setting to be a courtroom but for no trial to take place. But you guys both went the trial route, which is fine. Anyway, neither of these stories particularly wowed me. BeefSupreme: You did the thing I was hoping wouldn’t happen. Your courtroom was more a less a venue for another story to be told. I of course never bothered to say that was a problem, but you didn’t anticipate my whims and for that I am disappointed. Also, I got confused in your story a couple of times with regard to telling who was who. The names were a bit much and the action was a touch hard to follow. I got a little lost a couple of times. I want to re-read this and, of course, would be happy to parse it out in greater detail in IRC.  Sebmojo: I don’t know what your story is, what happened in it, or why these people are doing things. But I liked it. The central elements that got me through it were that the story happened in the courtroom, with the players from the courthouse being the main characters. I could see your characters pretty clearly as well, so that was nice, and it was a fun enough read.  I’d really rather just give this win to Jitzu, who had a great entry in a brawl I judged before but lost to an amazing one. Or, to BeefSupreme for a loss that was also a good entry up against an a better one. But I don’t think that’s how brawls work. So Sebmojo takes this one down. 
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Mar 15, 2017 06:40
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Uranium Phoenix posted:I still need I gotchu
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Mar 27, 2017 03:25
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Mar 28, 2017 04:34
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