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Hekk
Oct 12, 2012

'smeper fi

Schneider posted:

Block leave is the poo poo. Merry Christmas Marines, etc etc. Anyway.

Duty sucks, gently caress duty.

This thread is now about funny or hosed up duty stories.

Once upon a Saturday night, I was touring my post as any squared away DNCO should do when I heard a noise, a very particular noise, coming from one of my grandboot's rooms. His door was ajar and the noise coming from within sounded suspiciously like a female getting smashed out. A FEMALE, WHO WAS NOT PROPERLY CHECKED IN WITH THE DUTY NCO, IN MY BARRACKS? gently caress. NO. Why do I even care about this, you ask? I guess I'm just a prick. I guess it pisses me off that some dumbass 18 year old PFC is bringing his little teenage tramps back to the barracks to smash them out while I'm walking around the barracks with a loving logbook under my arm yelling at idiots to pick up their cigarette butts. Additionally, I didn't like this particular Marine.. he was kind of a turd and sucked at life and whined a lot.

My mind raced, scrambling to find the most absurd and offensive insults I could muster as I prepared to kick the door open and deliver rear end-chewing to end all rear end chewings. My corfram came up and I spartan-kicked the door open, face twisted in fury, spittle flying as my mouth formed the first syllable of what was to be the magnum opus of my asschewings.

What I beheld was not PFC Fuckknuckles simply loving some skank, oh no.

On one of the racks were four of my Marines going family style on some chubby unattractive blonde girl with a tramp stamp. I'm pretty sure the balls touched.

I stopped in the doorway as my tiny TBI-ridden rifleman brain attempted to process the scene before me. They all stopped their frantic humping for a moment and stared at me. I didn't know what to loving say at this point.. I mean, what can you say to that, really. I just asked if she was of age and upon receiving a valid photo ID from the girl, muttered "very well, carry on" and continued my tour.


Booblord Zagat posted:

Friend of mine kept getting zits on his cock when he was at the NTC in Irwin, right at the base where it isn't quite balls but not yet schlong. He was doing everything to stop it, from using that St. Ives face scrub on it to cleaning it every day with hand sanitizer, but poo poo kept happening. So one day he asks a Senior Chief Corpsman about it. The Chief has about three weeks left to serve before he can retire with 24 years, so I guess he decided this would be his legacy.

He gets my buddy a box of those Biorre black head removal strips and tells him to wash his member and slap one of them on for a bit and slowly take it off. It will get rid of his cock zit problem. Dude is desperate enough to try it, and even shaves his poo poo down with an electric razor to eliminate the hair pulling.

Well as it turns out the skin on that special area is kinda stretchy, but still thin. When he goes to tear it off, it takes about maybe 3 square centimeters of unrealized boner with it. It was that kind of skin loss like you get when you scrape your knee he told me, where you can see the last paper thin layer of skin sitting there, just seeping blood slowly but surely, said it was like a Saw film, but the evil laughing he heard wasn't from a sickly old white dude, but a thick mustached skinny black guy.

He found out a week later he had genital warts, so he had spent the last few months trying to pop dick warts.


I had to buy 9 beers in a San Diego bar to get that whole story out of him. Best drat $80 I ever spent.


Interwebz RN posted:


making GBS threads story aye aye sir!

So, my buddy is in the driver's seat of the Humvee and I'm the gunner up in the turret and we're rolling blacked out with NVG's on at the NTC as a QRF force (HA! POG's as QRF!! some of these guys can barely shoot marksman on the range!) cause our bro's went to secure an HVI/HVT/HIV whatever roleplayer and got into some massive shitstorm. In order to simulate real life we've been eating nothing but MRE's for like 10 days now (HA! more like contracting hosed up and forgot to send the MIPR so we could eat in the chow hall) so when we were offered real loving food from the roleplayers we loving took it and ate it like the miserable starved dirty animals we are. My buddy did this with a whole chicken picking the bones clean and guzzling tea a few hours before this mission was given. We're halfway to the objective when I hear gently caress! JESUS loving CHRIST! poo poo! ASSS! loving! GODDAMNIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! followed by the most pitiful sobs I've ever heard from a man. This wakes up the VC and I hear a storm of the most creative curses followed by sobs and "IM SORRY SERGEANT! IM SORRY! PLEASE DONT NJP ME!" I radio down to the VC using my MBITR and I get the following: "LCPL FUCKNUTS IS making GBS threads EVERYWHERE! OH MY loving GOD BOY WHAT DID YOU EAT??!?" We pull off and radio our situation to everyone in the TOC and as the convoy stops and "pulls security" we can hear everyone laughing over the radios. We put on our flashlights to inspect the damage expecting a Marine with poo poo stained pants. What we find is much worse. We were all gagging from the stench initially, some of us had put on our gas masks inside the vehicle to block it out. What the lights revealed was far worse. There was liquid brown poo poo in the driver's seat stretching from where your rear end is up the seat to about lower back area. Some of it was dripping or....slithering..or something..onto the floor. There were specks of it on the radio, it covered the slave cables, the steering wheel, under the seat, some of it had dripped onto the Doc's boots since he sat directly behind the driver and liked to sprawl or, somehow stretch his legs since he was a big dude. Anywhere the poo poo could have reached, it was. There was even lovely fingerprints on the windshield. The stench was horrible, like a rotting animal who had been left in the sun for a month inside a quadcon with rotten eggs inside it with spoiled milk sprayed everywhere with rotting garbage strewn about for good measure. A few guys (including the company gunny) vomited upon opening the door to the vehicle. He was forced to ride in it to the objective, complete the mission, then RTB where he cleaned the vehicle interior from top to bottom. All night. Then he was allowed to shower and change out of the poo poo encrusted pants.

And, just in time for Valentine's Day!


Schneider posted:

Also re: faggotfuckbitchboot with his gay loving pictures and smooching.

What he doesn't realize is that the minute he deploys, a rift will open in the space time continuum and eldrich, forboding Lovecraftian dongs which have been slumbering in dark space, long before man gained sentience, will emerge and descend upon his little lovely piece of teenage pussy. They will then penetrate all of her orifices in ways he could never possibly imagine, leaving her pretty little pussy a bloody mess of hamburger and her anus hopelessly distended, flapping like the wind flags at the 200 yard line. After being frosted like a Krispy Kreme donut, she will drain his bank account and leave him for a hipster douchebag who is a "nice guy".

This is the fate of all PFC/LCpl girlfriends. If this happens when he is a Sgt. or above he will return home, kill her, Jodie and then himself.

Semper fidelis.


the dad farm posted:

I like driving by cars in jville filled with creatures from your wildest nightmares. Then they pass by and i see "his boots, her flip flops, a perfect pair". I walk back to my shithole of a barracks room and silently weep with the lights off while i jerk off to porn and listen to goodbye horses.


Anne Frank Fanfic posted:

Whack shack duty. Night 134. At first I chased down individual whacker offers and had to threaten them with UCMJ. I thought they'd be scared straight so to speak. The next few nights they got smarter, using cover and concealment to their advantage in order to blow their hot loads all over this Holy Shi`ite Land. Now I just make a racket by rapping the side of the sheet metal wall with my rifle and watch as joes scamper from the whack shack, tripping over themselves with their trousers around their ankles and cum spurting from their still rock hard dicks. Another three caught today, that's another three Field Grade Jacking Off Article 15s to begin tomorrow.

Life wasn't this hard when jacking off wasn't banned in the 'stan, I guess the General was tired of seeing his hot young virile studs wasting their seed on the ground of this barren nation, he'd rather have the seed saved up and spread across the beautiful fields of amber grain in the good old U S of A. At first no one blamed him, how many of us wouldn't rather be jacking off at home, cumming where we please? But there's an enemy here. An enemy that doesn't want anyone cumming, here in their homeland or elsewhere. An enemy that stands against all erect dicks spurting justice from their swollen tips. An enemy that would sooner grab a jizzing dick at its hilt and sever it than allow us to have one more ejaculation of freedom.


Honeyboy Bradley posted:

I think I already told this story but it's fresh in my mind so here it goes again:

A few years back I was in Chicago for a while and made an OKCupid profile to score easy women off the internet. I started talking to an asian girl who didn't have any clear pictures of herself on her dating profile. She was down to gently caress the Honeyboy after a night of seductive OKC messages so she gave me her number and address and I drove down to get my freak on.

She lives in Boystown. For those who don't know where Boystown is, it's an area of Chicago where all the gays hang out. We were gonna go to a movie in Boystown's theater and then back to her place for nasty interracial sex.

So I'm driving around Boystown by the movie theater and I see an asian girl standing on the street corner. I'm like 'oh gently caress thats gotta be her' because she had the same body type as the girl's OKC profile. So I slow down in my car and wave at her through the front window. She sees me and comes up to my driver's side window and that's when I see it's a loving man.

Like he had a five o'clock shadow and everything. He looked like Mr. Miyagi with a wig on. So I didn't ask any loving questions I just got out of my car and started beating his rear end. Like I went full Tekken combo on this decadent son of Sodom. Then I spit on him and got back in my car and started driving home.

A few minutes later she starts calling my cell and I pick up because I'm ready to talk mad poo poo to this tranny that tried to trick me into going on a date with him. But it was a woman's voice saying 'Where the gently caress are you? You're fifteen minutes late.'

'Uh, is this not just the person I just met?'

'No? What the gently caress I'm still waiting outside the theater'

And that's when I realized I had unwittingly beat up a tranny prostitute. He probably saw me waving at him through my car window and thought I was a John. So I didn't go out on the date that night I just drove home and jerked off. I still feel bad for doing that though. The prostitute was probably like 'Oh theres a John I'm gonna make some cash tonight' but instead he got dropped.


blazeing w/ hitler posted:

Sudden movement on the rooftops -- I zoomed in my M16A14 w/ A Cog and fired off a sick double tap on some insurgent wearing velcro shoes, his body sort of just went limp why running & then fell off the roof onto the street lmao. Then I felt sick to by tummy, thinking wow, I just.. killed someone, but I ate a spoiled MRE earlier haha, killing people is loving cool and Im never eading Jambalaya MRE again.

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Hekk
Oct 12, 2012

'smeper fi

There are like 4 of us left who actually post in here. No one made a new thread so here is my lovely one. Post all your dumb USMC poo poo here so we can laugh at how miserable we all are.

Nice and hot piss
Feb 1, 2004

5 but thats because i love dudes so ya'll are cool

Discount_Bees
Aug 1, 2007

How do I get out of this chickenshit outfit?
I finally got out a few months ago. Gonna miss shooting guns out of helicopters but definitely no regrets.

PathAsc
Nov 15, 2011

Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

Hail chesty, full of rum, the corps is with thee.

Time Crisis Actor
Apr 28, 2002

by Hand Knit

Discount_Bees posted:

I finally got out a few months ago. Gonna miss shooting guns out of helicopters but definitely no regrets.


Welcome to Freedom

Nostalgia4Infinity
Feb 27, 2007

10,000 YEARS WASN'T ENOUGH LURKING
All the cool marines may have died or stopped posting but y'all got the first gold rated service thread of 2017 :cabot:

PookBear
Nov 1, 2008

Nostalgia4Infinity posted:

All the cool marines may have died or stopped posting but y'all got the first gold rated service thread of 2017 :cabot:

we're too indoctrinated to rate the usmc thread anything less and no one else cares

Miloshe
Oct 25, 2009

The little chicken girl wants me to ease up!
He can't handle!
He cries like woman!

Eat the apple, gently caress the Corps. Voting one.

PathAsc
Nov 15, 2011

Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

False motivation is still motivation. Someone please kill me so the terrible sayings go away.

Miloshe
Oct 25, 2009

The little chicken girl wants me to ease up!
He can't handle!
He cries like woman!

PathAsc posted:

False motivation is still motivation. Someone please kill me so the terrible sayings go away.

On the count of three we will pull our triggers together and the grass will grow. Oh gently caress me.

overdesigned
Apr 10, 2003

We are compassion...
Lipstick Apathy

Discount_Bees posted:

I finally got out a few months ago. Gonna miss shooting guns out of helicopters but definitely no regrets.


god bless you discount bees

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

I wondered who the first motivator to break down and make the thread would be

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005

c-spam cannot afford



Discount_Bees posted:

I finally got out a few months ago. Gonna miss shooting guns out of helicopters but definitely no regrets.


thank you for slippery.jpg and all the other amazing stuff you've done. o7

Time Crisis Actor
Apr 28, 2002

by Hand Knit

Nostalgia4Infinity posted:

All the cool marines may have died or stopped posting but y'all got the first gold rated service thread of 2017 :cabot:

1stSgt threatened NJP if we didn't vote 5

PathAsc
Nov 15, 2011

Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

I hope whatever poor bastard goons that are still in can survive peacetime. Be sure you wear your doggone glow belts.

Steezo
Jun 16, 2003
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!


PathAsc posted:

I hope whatever poor bastard goons that are still in can survive peacetime. Be sure you wear your doggone glow belts.

I remember a peacetime Corps. I would sooner do multiple combat deployments than do that bullshit again. Hell, suckstarting a pistol would be a better alternative. It was a relief when the war started and we could do real poo poo.

tyler
Jun 2, 2014

Is KFFF alive?

Nostalgia4Dogges
Jun 18, 2004

Only emojis can express my pure, simple stupidity.

I see clickbaity articles about new uniforms what's up with that

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

All I'm aware of uniform-wise is the stupid woodlands everywhere everyday thing, and the situation with FROGs is pretty ridiculous at this point.

edit: oh chicks are probably getting new dress blues blouses so they have the same collar but that's a ways off

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005

c-spam cannot afford



No discussion of the first wooks to check into an infantry battalion?

Hekk
Oct 12, 2012

'smeper fi

I am in Japan with the Navy so I didn't even know it happened. I am mostly going to pretend to be a sailor until I am close enough to retirement to not have rules apply to me anymore.

vains
May 26, 2004

A Big Ten institution offering distance education catering to adult learners

Internet Wizard posted:

All I'm aware of uniform-wise is the stupid woodlands everywhere everyday thing, and the situation with FROGs is pretty ridiculous at this point.

edit: oh chicks are probably getting new dress blues blouses so they have the same collar but that's a ways off

what is the situation with frog gear

Nostalgia4Dogges
Jun 18, 2004

Only emojis can express my pure, simple stupidity.

You are never allowed to wear it anywhere WHERE'S YOUR UNDERSHIRT

vains
May 26, 2004

A Big Ten institution offering distance education catering to adult learners

Nostalgia4Dogges posted:

You are never allowed to wear it anywhere WHERE'S YOUR UNDERSHIRT

if youre actually deployed nobody gives a poo poo.

PathAsc
Nov 15, 2011

Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

Since FROG is good and useful, you can't use it. Just like pockets and beanies. Goddamn am I remembering all the dumb poo poo today. I miss deployments because I'm brokebrains as gently caress. At least I make money now and have a good upward path or I might not remember all the dumb poo poo from being in.

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

The contract to get more FROG ended a while back and there hasn't been a new one, so now you don't get any until you're working up for a deployment, and then you have to give it back so somebody else can use your old pants.

vains
May 26, 2004

A Big Ten institution offering distance education catering to adult learners

Internet Wizard posted:

The contract to get more FROG ended a while back and there hasn't been a new one, so now you don't get any until you're working up for a deployment, and then you have to give it back so somebody else can use your old pants.

oh. im pretty sure they are organizational gear, not part of your clothing issue. maybe that changed and then changed back. the only thing we kept were the waffle fleeces.

PathAsc
Nov 15, 2011

Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire

PISS TAPE IS REAL

We never had to give our fleeces back, so I ended up with three. Love those things when I'm hunting.

Of course if you lost a ka-bar adapter you were on a shitlist unless you got a cool Vietnam vet at CIF.

overdesigned
Apr 10, 2003

We are compassion...
Lipstick Apathy
what do you all think the "O G" part of "F R O G" stands for

i'll wait

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

"Only Gays"

overdesigned
Apr 10, 2003

We are compassion...
Lipstick Apathy
This checks out, actually.

vains
May 26, 2004

A Big Ten institution offering distance education catering to adult learners

overdesigned posted:

what do you all think the "O G" part of "F R O G" stands for

i'll wait

is this some sort of supply 'checkmate bitch' post?

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

MassivelyBuckNegro posted:

is this some sort of supply 'checkmate bitch' post?

MassivelyBuckNegro posted:

im pretty sure they are organizational gear

Flame
Resistant
Organizational
Gear

That's what he was getting at.

vains
May 26, 2004

A Big Ten institution offering distance education catering to adult learners

Internet Wizard posted:

Flame
Resistant
Organizational
Gear

That's what he was getting at.

im aware after googling it. the ill wait was what was funny.

vains
May 26, 2004

A Big Ten institution offering distance education catering to adult learners
i just hope that someone enjoyed the scent of my ballsweat that will never come out.

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

eau de esprit de corps

Victor Vermis
Dec 21, 2004


WOKE UP IN THE DESERT AGAIN
Whoever got mine is in luck: my spunk crusts to a Level III ballistic rating. Drop that lame nut-flap in your company's designated K-bar seabag, Cpl Vermis' unrealized heirs will shield your delicate nethers from frag & SAF.


jk i didnt return poo poo

Time Crisis Actor
Apr 28, 2002

by Hand Knit

Victor Vermis posted:

Whoever got mine is in luck: my spunk crusts to a Level III ballistic rating. Drop that lame nut-flap in your company's designated K-bar seabag, Cpl Vermis' unrealized heirs will shield your delicate nethers from frag & SAF.


jk i didnt return poo poo

I was wondering where you went

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PookBear
Nov 1, 2008

Only have woodland cammies and desert frog gear IMO

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