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I had an anxiety attack last night before I was supposed to head up with a friend to go rafting. It's been a little over a year since the collision, and I think was caused the attack was a sense that I had lost control of the situation. I figured we were heading up around 6 in morning, and I got told close to 2100 that we needed to leave at 0400. It was a super minor thing, but it kept me up for hours. My brain just kept going over things, with one of the biggest being that I need sleep. Driving with less then 6 hours of sleep is bad. The water and the movement also came up at points of anxiousness, but they weren't the key things. Hell, that was one of the things that came out in the comprehensive review of the collision is that we'd done too many high risk evolutions on the 16th, and that no one had had adequate sleep when the collision happened on the 17th. I'm at grad school right now, and I don't think I realize how structured everything is until this happened. I know days in advance what's happening. Sure there's stress in writing all of my papers, but I know when I need to start things and when things are due. Again, there's that structure. I'm going to go speak to the counselor tomorrow (it's a military grad school, and she was recommended to me by the dean of students/my program officer) to talk this out more and see if there's things I can do to try and cope better when spontaneous things happen that are outside of my control. Does this happen to anyone else? This sense that if you don't plan things out well ahead of time and things just happen that you don't expect, you start to panic? I haven't had suicidal thoughts, and am taking much better care of myself since I left Japan. This was just the worse anxiety attack I've had in a really long time.
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Jul 4, 2018 20:17
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 08:05 |
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I just found out that one of my sailors committed suicide. Part of me has always known that eventually, we were going to have someone take their life. There were a few attempts a while back, but I hadn't heard of anything recently. I was starting to hope that maybe we'd hit a point where we wouldn't have to worry so much. I'm sitting between a lot of different emotions right now. Sadness is one of the biggest, but anger is there too. Not at him. At the Navy more than anything.
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Mar 4, 2020 23:25
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I found out last night that an officer I worked with briefly on the Fitzgerald committed suicide. What's both shocking to me and also that hit of realization is that I exchanged several e-mails with him not even two weeks ago. He reached out to see how I was doing which was a surprise as we didn't work together long, and hadn't been close. I told him that I was doing well, gave him a brief update on what was going on in my life, and promised that I'd keep him up to speed on what was happening with my career. Part of me wonders if he was trying to subtly seek help too, and none of us realized it. This is now the third person I've worked with from that ship that's ended their life. While he wasn't there for the collision, I know that he was deeply affected by it, and was conflicted by deciding to stay in the service and continue on as an XO/CO of ships. I hope that he's found some peace, but I also know that he left behind a lot of people that will miss him.
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Oct 29, 2023 13:18
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