- FutonForensic
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May you be congested tonight, but just enough where it's not worth it to get up and grab the decongestant so you just lie there breathing 75% effectively
this happened to me last night and I need to pass the curse forward
 
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Jan 27, 2017 21:15
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 27, 2024 01:01
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- Manifisto
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may the potentially worthwhile youtube instructional/tutorial video you start watching be prefaced with two or three minutes of the presenter rambling about things that have no possible relevance or interest to anyone else, such as, "I originally came up with the idea for this video last Tuesday . . . or was it Wednesday? I'm pretty sure it was Tuesday because I go grocery shopping on Tuesdays and I think I had this idea right before going shopping, or maybe right after. but, now that I think about it, I went grocery shopping last Wednesday too, because I was nearly out of milk, and there's nothing worse then really wanting cereal and not having any milk on hand, haha! anyway it was Tuesday or Wednesday, it doesn't really matter which. so the idea I had . . . you know what, it was definitely Tuesday. doesn't matter. but I'm sure it was Tuesday, haha! pretty sure anyway. wow I'm rambling."
as a bonus, may the presenter also not have scripted/practiced the tutorial and occasionally have to stop and wonder out loud what s/he did next.
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Jan 27, 2017 21:36
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- a fragile ego
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May the sun always be in a position that when your drive you cant block it with the sun visor
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Jan 27, 2017 21:41
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- HotSoapyBeard
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I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
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May you always forget if you locked the front door
May you always hit a yellow light with just enough time that you think you can't make it but realise you could have and your girlfriend gets pissed off
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Jan 27, 2017 21:49
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- Marchofthepenguins
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Mental hygiene should be practiced after every meal
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May you always get halfway through the recipe before realizing you are missing the baking powder. How did you not catch that earlier? Now you have to go to the store and hope that your food doesn't burn. While rushing to the store you ponder how it is that you are an independent adult and yet cannot fulfill basic kitchen requirements like having baking powder. When you come home with the missing baking powder your food totally burned. Maybe you should have turned the stove off. Now you're not hungry so you put the baking powder in the cupboard only to find there was baking powder there all the time just hidden behind a jar.
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Jan 27, 2017 22:14
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- Rushi
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by Smythe
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may your cellphone always notify you with messages you already checked
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Jan 28, 2017 16:59
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- Djeser
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it's crow time again
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from this day forth you will always get watery spagetti sauce on your hands when you do the dishes
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Jan 28, 2017 17:15
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- SHY NUDIST GRRL
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Communism will help more white people than anyone else. Any equal measures unfairly provide less to minority populations just because there's less of them. Democracy is truly the tyranny of the mob.
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May your YouTube recommendations always infer the worst about you
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Jan 28, 2017 19:00
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- google THIS
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May you always second-guess yourself when deciding what you want from a vending machine, then feel disproportionate regret the instant you hit the button.
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Jan 28, 2017 19:46
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- Chomskeyhomp
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May your YouTube recommendations always infer the worst about you
I think I have this curse.
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Jan 29, 2017 00:56
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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And the Lord said unto the Canaanites, "You wear socks with sandals and hence your wickedness is an affront to me, the Lord. From this day forth you shall always find one black sock and one blue one, but never a pair of either."
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Jan 29, 2017 06:06
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- Ben Carsons Ghost
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May your garbage bags always get stuck in the can when trying to pull it out, regardless of fullness.
i literally broke atrash can doing this
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Jan 29, 2017 12:29
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- SHY NUDIST GRRL
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Communism will help more white people than anyone else. Any equal measures unfairly provide less to minority populations just because there's less of them. Democracy is truly the tyranny of the mob.
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May the phone always ring while you're in the midst of taking a really good dump, but you're also the only one in the office, and your office doesn't have a voicemail system.
That's the caller's problem
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Jan 29, 2017 15:15
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- Captain Splashback
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BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
SPLASHBACK HOLDINGS LTD
PUCKINS AND PRINTERS PURVEYORS
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may your rice krispies always snap and pop, but never crackle
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Jan 29, 2017 19:29
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- bradzilla
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May your shoelaces always be just slightly too loose
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Jan 30, 2017 21:30
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- a fragile ego
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May every time you try to show a hilarious image or video to your friend end with them awkwardly saying "thats cool" and then changing the subject immediately.
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Jan 30, 2017 22:13
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- FutonForensic
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"enjoy your meal!"
instantly, my stomach twists into a knot. I focus all my concentration on any appropriate phrase: "Have a nice day." "Thanks." "My Compliments to the chef." my throat is gurgling. there is an inky sickness in it that is bubbling over and consuming me from the inside. it can't be contained. as my lips pry themselves open, I pray that I merely scream or vomit, and regret ever cutting in line ahead of that witch at the Burger King.
"you too"
tears drip down my face, off my chin, and into my Kids' Meal nuggets
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#
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Jan 30, 2017 22:32
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- google THIS
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"enjoy your meal!"
instantly, my stomach twists into a knot. I focus all my concentration on any appropriate phrase: "Have a nice day." "Thanks." "My Compliments to the chef." my throat is gurgling. there is an inky sickness in it that is bubbling over and consuming me from the inside. it can't be contained. as my lips pry themselves open, I pray that I merely scream or vomit, and regret ever cutting in line ahead of that witch at the Burger King.
"you too"
tears drip down my face, off my chin, and into my Kids' Meal nuggets
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Jan 30, 2017 23:05
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- HotSoapyBeard
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I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
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"Would you like to buy a flower young man?"
"No thanks slightly suspicious gypsy crone"
Later:
"Hi Mum"
"Hey"
"So we put an offer on the house"
"Oh... right"
"Are you ok?"
"Yep"
Even later:
'Hmm every call to my Mum's been weird recently, is she mad at me? Is she disappointed? Maybe I borrow too much money off them, god I'm so selfish sometimes, is anyone else disappointed in me? Oh god what am I doing with my life?'
*Elsewhere a satisfied gypsy crone cackles maniacally by sinister firelight*
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Jan 31, 2017 00:12
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- nobodygetshurt
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May you always hit post too quickly to finish your
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Feb 1, 2017 20:54
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- Dinosaurmageddon
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by zen death robot
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May your fridge magnets always lose their charge.
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Feb 2, 2017 00:53
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- LawfulWaffle
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Well, that aligns with the vibes I was getting. Which was, like, "normal" kinda vibes.
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May you always find your dream job posting a day after the application deadline.
May you always suspect the efficacy of curses.
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Feb 2, 2017 18:38
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- Dinosaurmageddon
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by zen death robot
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May your rear-view mirror always be askew.
May your houseplants forever disapprove of your music.
May your hands get sticky at the mere THOUGHT of maple syrup.
May your browser tabs always dawdle a moment too long before they close.
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Feb 2, 2017 22:42
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- vanisher
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May one or two grains of rice in your meals be uncooked
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Feb 3, 2017 00:03
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- cat_herder
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BE GAY
DO CRIME
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may your cell phone stop ringing just as you get it out of your pocket
may your tv antenna always be slightly off so any show you watch comes in badly and cuts out a lot
may your bedsheets always be slightly too hot and gross to be comfortable, even in the dead of winter
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Feb 3, 2017 01:37
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- a dingus
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Rhetorical questions only
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May your roommate always eat the pizza you were looking forward to having for dinner.
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Feb 3, 2017 01:47
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- bradzilla
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May your shampoo and conditioner bottles be always nearly empty, so you have to squeeze them to get enough out
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Feb 3, 2017 13:09
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- LawfulWaffle
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Well, that aligns with the vibes I was getting. Which was, like, "normal" kinda vibes.
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May you always find your toothbrush damp, as if someone had just used it.
May all of your button-down shirts have on button that feels a little loose.
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Feb 3, 2017 15:50
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- StandardVC10
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This avatar now 50% more dark mode compliant
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I curse your next grocery store visit to be full of nothing but products that are almost, but not quite, what you came there to pick up.
Only the next one though, not the ones after. I'm not a monster.
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#
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Feb 3, 2017 17:58
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- google THIS
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When you're in a waiting room or a long line, may you always be stuck next to somebody who is just itching to share their dysfunctional life story.
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Feb 3, 2017 18:08
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- LawfulWaffle
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Well, that aligns with the vibes I was getting. Which was, like, "normal" kinda vibes.
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May you randomly become afflicted with that thing that makes cilantro taste really bad, but only after you've had a few good bites of your burrito.
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Feb 3, 2017 21:19
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- School Nickname
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*fffffff-fffaaaaaaarrrtt*
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May you always be temporarily paired with the man who drinks magic tea during lectures/meetings for group projects.
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#
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Feb 4, 2017 02:14
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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#
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Apr 27, 2024 01:01
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- Sepharo
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EARTH! FIRE! WIND! WATER!
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May your hotpocket always have an icy heart.
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Feb 4, 2017 04:34
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Jan 27, 2017 21:15
sig brought to you by the amazing & beautiful vanisher, feat. Helle Woods, artisinally designed by Death Sext !!!
