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Milkfred E. Moore posted:The year is 2061 and the world is ending. Disagree with DropTheAnvil; first sentence is fine, sets up genre and plot. Maybe "It's 2061 and..." quote:Sabra Kasembe, erstwhile savior of the world, hones her mind and body for her prophesied apocalypse, unsure whether her dreams paint her as a humane champion or blood-soaked harbinger. Champion of what? "Harbinger" looks weird without an object; I think I'd rephrase. "Erstwhile" seems tautological. What does "honing her mind and body for her prophesied apocalypse" mean? It sounds like she's training to end the world this time. quote:When an explosion rips through downtown Geneva, her investigation brings her face to face with none other than her nemesis-turned-ally Jack Harper. "Downtown" sounds out of place; how about "central"? Cut "face to face" and "none other than". That's nitpicks, but the second paragraph is awkwardly phrased and doesn't make much sense (NB I haven't read the first book): quote:But Harper comes with a warning. There's an insidious threat aimed at the heart of Sabra's lover, a vast paramilitary conspiracy of living legends and extant saviors. If Harper is her ally now, shouldn't "but" be "and"? General Battuta already noted the dangling modifier, but the subordinate clause is simultaneously overstuffed with information ("vast", "paramilitary", "living legends and extant saviors") and vague (living legends of what? Saviors of what? What's the conspiracy trying to do, and why is is so uninterested in her lungs?). Also, reconsider "extant". quote:To stop them, Sabra must unleash Harper upon an unsuspecting Geneva, even if it risks flirting with the apocalypse that simmers in her wake. "risks flirting" is a tautology here. Also, maybe cut "that simmers in her wake" or change it to "...in her future" - sounds like the apocalypse already happened. quote:Because Sabra must hone her soul to save Revenant's life no matter the cost--or Sekhmet will light her raging funeral pyre in the heart of the Functioning World. Why "because"? What's "honing her soul"? Who's Revenant, and why is she in danger? I assume Sabra's lover, but it's muddled. Who's Sekhmet? Who's the antecedent of "her"? What's the Functioning World? Also, it looks like Sabra's the protagonist, and the story is about saving Revenant, but the plot description makes Harper look like the person actually doing everything. And there's a lot of apocalypse talk - is it going to pay off?
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Apr 15, 2024 14:18
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 12:42 |
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I think overall my advice is the same as with many query letters - you're including too much information that's important to your story, but not important to the story of the query letter. Drop, simplify, outright lie if you have to. There's also some missing information. What's bad about Harper, what's he gonna do to Geneva? Do these people have superpowers of some kind? What does 'hone her soul' mean and who's Sekhmet? I think for the sake of structure it could use a third paragraph. There's just something nice about that "hook, meat, stinger" structure.
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Apr 15, 2024 14:52
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Thank you all for the feedback! It'll give me some good thoughts to mull over as I finish this thing off. Playing with a third paragraph will probably be necessary. The familiarity the ideal reader should have, whether they should have read Shadow before getting to Wake or whether they shouldn't need to, is something I've gone back and forth on.
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Apr 15, 2024 23:24
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