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Milkfred E. Moore posted:The year is 2061 and the world is ending. Disagree with DropTheAnvil; first sentence is fine, sets up genre and plot. Maybe "It's 2061 and..." quote:Sabra Kasembe, erstwhile savior of the world, hones her mind and body for her prophesied apocalypse, unsure whether her dreams paint her as a humane champion or blood-soaked harbinger. Champion of what? "Harbinger" looks weird without an object; I think I'd rephrase. "Erstwhile" seems tautological. What does "honing her mind and body for her prophesied apocalypse" mean? It sounds like she's training to end the world this time. quote:When an explosion rips through downtown Geneva, her investigation brings her face to face with none other than her nemesis-turned-ally Jack Harper. "Downtown" sounds out of place; how about "central"? Cut "face to face" and "none other than". That's nitpicks, but the second paragraph is awkwardly phrased and doesn't make much sense (NB I haven't read the first book): quote:But Harper comes with a warning. There's an insidious threat aimed at the heart of Sabra's lover, a vast paramilitary conspiracy of living legends and extant saviors. If Harper is her ally now, shouldn't "but" be "and"? General Battuta already noted the dangling modifier, but the subordinate clause is simultaneously overstuffed with information ("vast", "paramilitary", "living legends and extant saviors") and vague (living legends of what? Saviors of what? What's the conspiracy trying to do, and why is is so uninterested in her lungs?). Also, reconsider "extant". quote:To stop them, Sabra must unleash Harper upon an unsuspecting Geneva, even if it risks flirting with the apocalypse that simmers in her wake. "risks flirting" is a tautology here. Also, maybe cut "that simmers in her wake" or change it to "...in her future" - sounds like the apocalypse already happened. quote:Because Sabra must hone her soul to save Revenant's life no matter the cost--or Sekhmet will light her raging funeral pyre in the heart of the Functioning World. Why "because"? What's "honing her soul"? Who's Revenant, and why is she in danger? I assume Sabra's lover, but it's muddled. Who's Sekhmet? Who's the antecedent of "her"? What's the Functioning World? Also, it looks like Sabra's the protagonist, and the story is about saving Revenant, but the plot description makes Harper look like the person actually doing everything. And there's a lot of apocalypse talk - is it going to pay off?
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Apr 15, 2024 14:18
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I think overall my advice is the same as with many query letters - you're including too much information that's important to your story, but not important to the story of the query letter. Drop, simplify, outright lie if you have to. There's also some missing information. What's bad about Harper, what's he gonna do to Geneva? Do these people have superpowers of some kind? What does 'hone her soul' mean and who's Sekhmet? I think for the sake of structure it could use a third paragraph. There's just something nice about that "hook, meat, stinger" structure.
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Apr 15, 2024 14:52
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Thank you all for the feedback! It'll give me some good thoughts to mull over as I finish this thing off. Playing with a third paragraph will probably be necessary. The familiarity the ideal reader should have, whether they should have read Shadow before getting to Wake or whether they shouldn't need to, is something I've gone back and forth on.
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Apr 15, 2024 23:24
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If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents.quote:David Oliver was a celebrity chef and TV personality. Then he died. Then, things got interesting. The name of the book is Celebrity Isekai! With Your Host, Wulfgar Bloodraven.
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Apr 18, 2024 16:56
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What if isekai's were an interdimensional exchange program? Like, one depressed teen gets sent to a fantasy world, and Gnock the Bloodless replaces them in high school. Or would that be double the work / too much plot for readers to follow? tbh I don't like isekais and think Truck-kun is a menace. It did kind of break my brain for a sec when I realized my favorite childhood movie also counts as one. TRON In other news, it took me 14 chapters but I've been calling back to some details I put into the first one, and it feels good to Checkhov some guns.
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Apr 18, 2024 17:22
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Waffle! posted:What if isekai's were an interdimensional exchange program? Like, one depressed teen gets sent to a fantasy world, and Gnock the Bloodless replaces them in high school. Or would that be double the work / too much plot for readers to follow? If anyone's interested in comps like this, Seanan McGuire's Wayward Children books are sort of similar in premise. There's a boarding school for children who have fallen into other realities and need to learn how to be "normal"/function in the real world again after their isekai worlds have chewed them up and spat them back out again. It, predictably, severely traumatizes them.
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Apr 18, 2024 17:43
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Homer's Odyssey and Lucian's Voyage to the Moon are technically "isekai" stories, it's not a new concept. Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now.
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Apr 18, 2024 18:12
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Mirage posted:Homer's Odyssey and Lucian's Voyage to the Moon are technically "isekai" stories, it's not a new concept. Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now. Alice in Wonderland, too. Nonetheless I think they're mostly lazy. I also think that about plenty of genres that have great versions showing what the genre can accomplish.
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Apr 18, 2024 18:26
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Mirage posted:Homer's Odyssey and Lucian's Voyage to the Moon are technically "isekai" stories, it's not a new concept. Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now. Reincarnated On Winter As A Misogynist???
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Apr 18, 2024 18:26
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Mirage posted:Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now. This might be my issue. I like reading r/hfy, but so many stories recycle the "reincarnated in a magic world" trope and I lose interest almost immediately. One series I have been enjoying is Wearing Power Armor to a Magic School, because it's less reincarnation hand-waving and more Stargate.
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Apr 18, 2024 18:49
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I just wanna read about Gnock the Bloodless teleporting into an ordinary high school. I don’t give a poo poo about the kids in fantasy land, cause that’s so done
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Apr 18, 2024 19:01
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Stuporstar posted:I just wanna read about Gnock the Bloodless teleporting into an ordinary high school. I don’t give a poo poo about the kids in fantasy land, cause that’s so done Yeah isekai peaked with CS Lewis
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Apr 18, 2024 19:14
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Stuporstar posted:I just wanna read about Gnock the Bloodless teleporting into an ordinary high school. I don’t give a poo poo about the kids in fantasy land, cause that’s so done
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Apr 18, 2024 19:15
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Mirage posted:If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents. The overall premise sounds funny and cool. Most isekai stories have a hook around what the hero becomes (a goblin, a spider, etc) so having the character hook be related to his normal life feels fresh. In terms of the query structure, it feels weird that you introduce the thief's name and then belatedly tell me he's one and the same with the guy from the first paragraph. Why not just say "David is reincarnated as master thief Nome Ammos" ? In the third para, I'm a bit confused by the mechanics of the whole thing. Does the story take place mainly on Earth on in the fantasy world? Because "restored to life" makes it seem like he gets yanked back to Earth again. Other things I'd like to see is more about the stakes--what does David want? and the unique hook--how is being a celebrity chef going to change how he interacts with the typical isekai plot structure?
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Apr 20, 2024 10:52
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Mirage posted:If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents. Are you intending that people should think of Jamie Oliver? Because people are going to think of Jamie Oliver.
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Apr 20, 2024 12:54
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HopperUK posted:Are you intending that people should think of Jamie Oliver? Because people are going to think of Jamie Oliver. Sailor Viy posted:In terms of the query structure, it feels weird that you introduce the thief's name and then belatedly tell me he's one and the same with the guy from the first paragraph. Why not just say "David is reincarnated as master thief Nome Ammos" ? Sailor Viy posted:In the third para, I'm a bit confused by the mechanics of the whole thing. Does the story take place mainly on Earth on in the fantasy world? Because "restored to life" makes it seem like he gets yanked back to Earth again. Sailor Viy posted:Other things I'd like to see is more about the stakes--what does David want? and the unique hook--how is being a celebrity chef going to change how he interacts with the typical isekai plot structure? Thanks for the thoughts, this is a big help.
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Apr 20, 2024 15:53
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Safety Biscuits posted:Disagree with DropTheAnvil; first sentence is fine, sets up genre and plot. Maybe "It's 2061 and..." A year is not a setting, unless you are writing historical fiction. I have no idea what the year 2061 means. Is it post apocalyptic? Are Flying Fart Devices (FFD's) a thing now? Has humanity given up free will in exchange for that sweet sweet 10 pull on the gacha of life? Just saying "My novel takes place in the year 2061" doesn't add much to the setting, except to let the reader know its 37 years in the future.
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Apr 20, 2024 16:37
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I had this idea like an intergalactic Iron Chef, that followed Robert Irvine using his big muscles to subdue alien ingredients.
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Apr 20, 2024 17:21
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Waffle! posted:I had this idea like an intergalactic Iron Chef, that followed Robert Irvine using his big muscles to subdue alien ingredients. This sounds like Catherynne Valente’s Space Opera but with cooking and I am here for it 
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Apr 20, 2024 18:33
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DropTheAnvil posted:A year is not a setting, unless you are writing historical fiction. 2061 means I'm going to be disappointed if Halley's comet doesn't figure in somehow.
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Apr 20, 2024 19:25
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Mirage posted:If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents. A standard query letter devotes ~250 words to the blurb text, so you've got room to expand this quite a bit. I'd also agree with Sailor Viy that the David/Nome reveal feels disjointed in such a small space, and that this would be strengthened by giving us a sense of the personal stakes for David. Isekai is a hard sell in tradpub right now, but agents are really hoping to find a breakthrough book, so if you position this right (maybe with the Space Opera comp Stuporstar suggested to show the appeal to more traditional SF readers) then you could be in with a chance.
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Apr 21, 2024 11:30
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Stuporstar posted:This sounds like Catherynne Valente’s Space Opera but with cooking and I am here for it I just borrowed Space Opera and am trying to get into it. I'm spacing out trying to read a sentence that runs on for 13 lines without a period, and it is rough for me. It's not a good sign when I'm flipping ahead wondering if the entire book is written this way. I understand that it could be a style choice to have 8 commas in a sentence, but it's not one that I'm a fan of. I don't think I'm gonna make it. e: nope. Not for me. Waffle! fucked around with this message at 20:32 on Apr 23, 2024 |
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Apr 23, 2024 20:03
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If you haven't read Catherynne Valente before, Space Opera is a rough one to start with. I think her Orphan's Tales books are probably the most accessible/most representative of her work. Radiance is also good, but its structure is even weirder.
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Apr 24, 2024 01:20
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Hi! I've decided I'm going to start writing. But I don't have a computer! I'm wondering if there are any considerations to take into account when looking for a computer that will be used primarily for writing. Is this the right thread for this or is there a better thread to ask? I would be looking at PCs, not interested in Macs. Are there any particular features that you feel are beneficial for writing? Back-lit keyboard? Screen size? Battery life? Let me know what has worked for you and what hasn't! Haven't had a computer for over 10 years so I'm way out of the loop as far as specs are concerned. Might do a little gaming on the side... not AAA stuff, but idk the odd Civ6 or other 4x game perhaps... 🤔
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Apr 30, 2024 16:29
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I would recommend something, above all, that you're not going to be tempted to use for anything else. Surfing the web is fine, you'll always need to do research, but that's basically it.
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Apr 30, 2024 16:36
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Arist posted:I would recommend something, above all, that you're not going to be tempted to use for anything else. Surfing the web is fine, you'll always need to do research, but that's basically it. I mean it's never gonna be my main gaming device, I have the ps5 for that. Just thought if I'm gonna shell out some dosh for the thing it might as well be at least somewhat capable 🙃 🤷 🙂
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Apr 30, 2024 16:45
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fridge corn posted:Hi! I've decided I'm going to start writing. But I don't have a computer! I'm wondering if there are any considerations to take into account when looking for a computer that will be used primarily for writing. Is this the right thread for this or is there a better thread to ask? For one, yeah you definitely want a laptop for writing so you can take it to a park/library/coffee shop etc. One with good battery life over horsepower. Like Intel has P-core and E-core CPUs for “performance” and “efficiency” and the latter are recommended for work laptops, whereas the former are for stuff like gaming (you’d have to do your own research there). One of those could still handle Civ, but you’d probably want to stick to smaller maps. I went for an I7 myself so I could do Civ as well lol For size, you want one where the keyboard is comfortable because that matters more than screen size for writing, so I’d suggest going to a computer store and trying to get a feel for the different sizes yourself. As for backlighting, it could be useful if you’ve not used a keyboard enough to have muscle memory for the keys. If you’re gonna set up a desk, I’d suggest getting either a separate keyboard and mouse so you can place the laptop at head height, or get a separate screen you can look at straight on while you use the laptop’s keyboard
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Apr 30, 2024 17:03
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fridge corn posted:Hi! I've decided I'm going to start writing. But I don't have a computer! I'm wondering if there are any considerations to take into account when looking for a computer that will be used primarily for writing. Is this the right thread for this or is there a better thread to ask? $200 refurbed dell laptop off amazon
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Apr 30, 2024 17:05
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cumpantry posted:$200 refurbed dell laptop off amazon I’ve not had good luck with the battery life of refurbs, so that’s something to watch out for
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Apr 30, 2024 17:06
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if corn has a couch next to an outlet they will be unstoppable
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Apr 30, 2024 17:08
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cumpantry posted:if corn has a couch next to an outlet they will be unstoppable True. That’s always been a problem for me, cause I do not
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Apr 30, 2024 17:12
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cumpantry posted:if corn has a couch next to an outlet they will be unstoppable Hmmm, yes as a matter of fact I do..!
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Apr 30, 2024 17:19
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I'd say any model of laptop that is optimized for portability (most important quality of a writing laptop for me because I like to be able to write from anywhere). Word processing and dicking around on the internet do not require much in the way of computing power or any fancy displays/graphics so you can go with whatever. Though I would recommend something relatively lightweight and portable with good battery life if you like writing while you're out and about/traveling. Personally speaking, I bought a MacBook Air last summer specifically for writing (previous laptop was a 17" beast workstation) and it's been fantastic. I bought a padded case for it so I can toss it in my tote and take it out for the day - generally don't need to worry about charging because the battery life is fantastic. In terms of processing power it's hella overkill for what I do on it but whatever (I was not expecting it to run Minecraft as well as it does). I was anti-Mac for a long time but ended up finally caving and buying one because it was convenient, using one at work familiarized me, I'm still mad at Microsoft for trying to forcibly infect my computers with Win10, and I'm too lazy/addlebrained to deal with Linux. Only downside was that it was expensive.
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Apr 30, 2024 18:02
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If we're also going to speak about the nuts and bolts of typing, TRY OUT THE KEYBOARD BEFORE YOU BUY. Like, really. I bought an iPad with the Magic Keyboard figuring that would be my "wiring machine" and it worked great until it made my RSI flare up so badly I could barely use my hands for three days. Personally I like the action on Apple laptops, and Lenovos. Seriously. Try a Lenovo Carbon X1. You don't need to shell for the latest generation, but I would buy one that can run Windows11, so maybe one that's not much more than 4 or 5 years old.
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Apr 30, 2024 18:19
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Seconding Lenovo for the keyboards. I've got an Asus now and it's great for everything else, it feels practically unbreakable, but once it eventually dies I'm going back to Lenovo. They just feel better for my fingers than others I've tried. They're not the only company that does great keyboards, and they might not feel the best to you, but they have for me.
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Apr 30, 2024 18:24
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Yeah, when I was looking to replace my old refurb 13” Macbook, I ended up looking at Lenovos because I’m not paying Apple prices for what I want (especially since I wanted it to function as a drawing tablet as well in my case). I ended up getting a really good deal one of those Asus 14” flip touchscreen laptops with a pen instead, which is exactly like the bigger ipad I wanted but with a real OS. I woulda got a Lenovo too, but I’m pretty happy with the Asus and the price I paid for it. It’s also big enough for the keyboard to be comfortable while still being really lightweight. One thing I did though is shell out a bit more for Win11 Pro so I could kill their goddamned AI assistant and other spyware poo poo
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Apr 30, 2024 18:36
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fridge corn posted:Hi! I've decided I'm going to start writing. But I don't have a computer! I'm wondering if there are any considerations to take into account when looking for a computer that will be used primarily for writing. Is this the right thread for this or is there a better thread to ask? I'd be very careful about overbuying for a hobby you haven't even started. Can you concentrate in coffee shops? If not, and you don't anticipate moving around, then get a desktop. Can't work at home? Laptop it is. Are you a plotter as opposed to a pantser (I.e., fly-by-the-seat-of-your...)? Then an additional vertical screen is invaluable at a fixed installation to look at your detailed notes. Can you borrow a laptop for a little while and see what works/doesn't work for you while you begin outlining/making notes/writing/etc. in different locales? As we say in woodworking, buy once, cry once. The one irrefutable piece of advice is to get a good keyboard and mouse to avoid hand issues. edit: just for background, I can't concentrate in coffee shops and the like, and do all my writing at my desktop setup, where I have a dual monitor setup (side vertical one for notes), standing "secretary's clipboard" for transcribing handwritten notes, my thesaurus and manual of style, etc. it works for me, but wouldn't for a lot of other folks. But the opposite is true too. I just would hate for you to spend a bunch on a laptop, e.g., and find that you could have done with a desktop that can handle your games and have better specs for the same price. Admiralty Flag fucked around with this message at 18:47 on Apr 30, 2024 |
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Apr 30, 2024 18:37
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Oh man, nothing beats old school Thinkpad keyboards (the pre-chiclet ones that had a deep, almost mechanical-feeling action and also an overlight (which beamed from the top of the screen so you could see your fingers and also notes and stuff - so much better than backlighting). For the best laptop keyboard, see the Thinkpad 701c. Even the new chiclet keyboards on the Thinkpads are pretty good (at least as of... a while ago, which was the last time I bought a Thinkpad). I also liked the keyboard on my HP ZBook (great computer but a beast), and the MacBook also has a good one. Also helps that I can plug into a mechanical keyboard when I'm home (one of those that's made with the old IBM tooling from the 80's).
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Apr 30, 2024 18:47
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NEO word processors are pretty cheap used, have incredible keyboards, incredible battery life, and will never distract you with anything besides writing.
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Apr 30, 2024 18:55
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Note: Mac has a good keyboard now. If you’re shopping used, the “butterfly” keyboards from around 2015 to 2019 were very very bad. Apple.
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Apr 30, 2024 19:00
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