How many 8-year-olds could you defeat in hand-to-hand combat

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Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

It's you vs. a gang of elementary schoolers, cage match, no holds barred. Possible lord of the flies situation. What is the max amount of little squirts a grown adult like you could take down before you're officially outmatched?

# ? Feb 8, 2017 06:18

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 18:24

Ride The Gravitron: by FactsAreUseless

Have they had any combat training? Are they enrolled in a karate class? Do they watch Jackie Chan movies? So many variables to take into account.

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# ? Feb 8, 2017 06:22

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

They have no formal combat training but have consumed a strong media diet of PG-13 action movies, ninja-related cartoons, and violent video games their parents shouldn't let them play. They all come from an average suburban middle-class American elementary school, randomized genders and social and ethnic backgrounds. All have passed a basic school athletic physical so none have any ailments, weaknesses, or overt diet problems. They are all average performers in school sports, so no wrestling champions or anything like that.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 06:37

Macnult

How many 8-year-olds must I defeat until their leader faces me? Or is their leader a coward, whose lineage shall be mocked beyond the playground and all through the cafeteria while I'm remembered as the hero of detention

# ? Feb 8, 2017 06:57

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

This is why I keep a stack of McDonalds coupons on me at all times, also a booklet of coupons for free small frosties at wendy's.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 14:48

unpleasantly turgid: u lightweights couldn't even feed my shadow ;*

I'd keep going until I hit the Jared Coefficient

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:15

FutonForensic

"patty cake, patty cake, baker's man..."

This guy's on another level. His motions are so rapid and fluid... I can't get a bead on him!

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:21

Chill la Chill: Don't lose your gay

*googles average height of 8yo*

My jabs and hooks are useless... :negative:

Apparently I'm #1 Kotori fan

_{_{thank you matoi and vanisher for the sigs, lovely dad for the cool av}}

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:25

BIRDCON 2017

i think one op. maybe two if one trips and takes care of themselves.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:43

Admiral_eX_laX: Historically Inaccurate

i would extend my arms out and then spin around really fast, so i guess i could take down a lot doing that.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:45

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

I don't really like to hold hands for a prolonged period of time... 8 year olds are clingy.. Id probably loose straight away.

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:46

Android Blues

Macnult posted:

How many 8-year-olds must I defeat until their leader faces me? Or is their leader a coward, whose lineage shall be mocked beyond the playground and all through the cafeteria while I'm remembered as the hero of detention

FutonForensic posted:

"patty cake, patty cake, baker's man..."

This guy's on another level. His motions are so rapid and fluid... I can't get a bead on him!

Chill la Chill posted:

*googles average height of 8yo*

My jabs and hooks are useless...

Admiral_eX_laX posted:

i would extend my arms out and then spin around really fast, so i guess i could take down a lot doing that.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:53

joke_explainer

are these like complete automatons with no concern for their well being who fight relentlessly to murder, or are they like normal 8 year old humans just driven to violence for some reason? if it's the former and they've got knives or something, probably gonna die very quickly, but i feel like the latter I could maybe convince some 8 year olds against the course of violence.otherwise when the first one gets close, i'll probably just try to grab their arm with the knife and pull it away from them, at which point the others will slash my arms and/or legs and its pretty much over. i don't think i'd be able to punch or kick an 8 year old with the intention of harming them even if I think they are trying to murder me.

reminds me of another hypothetical I remember someone bringing up after the first LOTR movie: how many unarmed hobbits would it take to kill a fully grown adult lion?

# ? Feb 8, 2017 18:59

death sext

Do 8 year olds still believe in Santa? if so I can engage in some emotional warfare

# ? Feb 8, 2017 19:20

Rockman Reserve: "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

i'm not allowed to test this anymore according to stupid Judge Poopface but my record was 14

they're hardier than they look

# ? Feb 8, 2017 20:05

FutonForensic

child: lookit what i can do! *spins her arms like a windmill* beeeewooooopppbbpbpbpbpthhhhh

judge: this woman's hands are lethal weapons. she will never see the light of day again

# ? Feb 8, 2017 20:32

bean mom

8 years olds aren't hardened combat vets at that age.

break a couple of them and you could induce a rout really quickly, then its just mopping up

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# ? Feb 8, 2017 21:51

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

if it's an 8 year old golden retriever (or smaller dog breed) then maybe one. a child? no way those fuckers have cooties

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:20

FactsAreUseless

It's called pattycake, and I think 8 years old is a little old to be playing it.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:26

FactsAreUseless

The child ties a bandana around its forehead, then extends its thumb. The countdown begins. One. Two. Three. Four.

It is declared.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:27

FactsAreUseless

I could probably beat all the white belts, but not most of the yellow belts, because they go to practice every week.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:28

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

just wait a year

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:37

byob historian: I'm an animal abusing piece of shit! I deliberately poisoned my dog to death and think it's funny! I'm an irredeemable sack of human shit!

not enough, o p n o t e n o u g h

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:40

FactsAreUseless

The Dr. Seuss book "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today!" depicts one man's struggle to beat up the entire second grade class at Middlebook Elementary, Home Of The Tigers.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:41

byob historian: I'm an animal abusing piece of shit! I deliberately poisoned my dog to death and think it's funny! I'm an irredeemable sack of human shit!

FactsAreUseless posted:

The Dr. Seuss book "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today!" depicts one man's struggle to beat up the entire second grade class at Middlebook Elementary, Home Of The Tigers.

yeah the publishers turned down the original title "I Can Lick 30 Cougars Today!"

# ? Feb 8, 2017 22:47

Scaly Haylie

Zyla posted:

8 years olds aren't hardened combat vets at that age.

Neither is a goon at any age.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 03:35

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

FutonForensic posted:

"patty cake, patty cake, baker's man..."

This guy's on another level. His motions are so rapid and fluid... I can't get a bead on him!

I couldn't beat even one 8 yr old at patty cake, I'm so uncoordinated I just end up hitting myself

# ? Feb 9, 2017 04:22

vanisher

FactsAreUseless posted:

The Dr. Seuss book "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today!" depicts one man's struggle to beat up the entire second grade class at Middlebook Elementary, Home Of The Tigers.

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Feb 9, 2017 06:59

Ominous Jazz: Big D is chillin' over here
Wasteland style

I'm not falling for this again, what if some of those 8 year Olds are cops

# ? Feb 9, 2017 07:08

Chill la Chill: Don't lose your gay

Zyla posted:

8 years olds aren't hardened combat vets at that age.

break a couple of them and you could induce a rout really quickly, then its just mopping up

Well sure, but what if you didn't have a horse with which you can go for a flank charge to induce panic?

Apparently I'm #1 Kotori fan

_{_{thank you matoi and vanisher for the sigs, lovely dad for the cool av}}

# ? Feb 9, 2017 15:41

Commie NedFlanders

Zyla posted:

8 years olds aren't hardened combat vets at that age.

break a couple of them and you could induce a rout really quickly, then its just mopping up

it really depends on the 8 year old, i know some savage children who will fight till the bone shows

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Love God, Love Thy Neighbor
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# ? Feb 10, 2017 14:40

A LOVELY LAD: Hey man, wanna hear a secret?

Chill la Chill posted:

*googles average height of 8yo*

My jabs and hooks are useless...

legkicks and face teeps only

# ? Feb 11, 2017 14:14

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

just pick one up by the ankles and use it as a weapon against the rest

# ? Feb 11, 2017 16:50

SHY NUDIST GRRL: Communism will help more white people than anyone else. Any equal measures unfairly provide less to minority populations just because there's less of them. Democracy is truly the tyranny of the mob.

At once or in a row?

# ? Feb 11, 2017 19:48

Darkman Fanpage

i could probably brutally subdue at least a half-dozen 8 year olds

# ? Feb 13, 2017 17:45

Chill la Chill: Don't lose your gay

A LOVELY LAD posted:

legkicks and face teeps only

I don't know how to do those :ohdear:

I would get so owned by 8 year olds

Apparently I'm #1 Kotori fan

_{_{thank you matoi and vanisher for the sigs, lovely dad for the cool av}}

# ? Feb 13, 2017 17:48

Macnult

if there's anything my pa taught me it's that 8-year-olds can take a beating

# ? Feb 13, 2017 18:05

Macnult

*dad beating the poo poo out of Jimmy from across the street* "One day you will have this resilience, son."

son: "wow! i can't wait to be a second grader!"

dad: "you'll always be the first gradest in my book" *pushes Jimmy back down*

son: :3: