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 Patient number: Patient name: Sylvia, T. Diagnosis: Severe dissociative identity disorder[/b] Note: this case file will also serve as the GDT for UFC Fight Night: Lewis vs. Browne, 9 p.m. ET Sunday, Feb. 19, on Fox Sports 1.[/b] As the leading psychiatrist in dissociative identity disorder cases, I have seen my fair share of individuals living with this condition, and yet none are more fascinating than Mr. Sylvia. Like most patients, Mr. Sylvia shares a history of past trauma that lead to his deep-seeded development of a series of drastically different personae and identities — in Mr. Sylvia’s case, he became the most successful UFC heavyweight champion in history, and yet never earned the respect of the fans or even his own, very rude teammates. And like many patients, the range of personas he developed to cope with this trauma not only have different personalities, but starkly different physical capabilities, lending to my theory that this disorder could hold the potential to the next stage of human evolution. If one personality has diabetes or is blind but the others are not, think of the possibilities this could mean for any range of diseases, disabilities and other undesirable traits. But not every personality seems so harmless. Let’s take a closer look at the personalities that Sylvia has developed, and their vastly different physical traits. Heavyweight  Derrick “the Black Beast” Lewis vs.  Travis “Hapa” Browne I have never seen Derrick Lewis, Mr. Sylvia’s mythical 22nd personality. The other personalities whisper tales of him, saying he is really physically strong, has kind of good takedown defense, and is a humorous black guy on Twitter. He’s said to be far physically stronger than anyone else on the card, and can do things people thought were impossible: he doesn’t need to breathe so he can eat rear end for hours on end, and he can get knocked out by Shawn Jordan and Fat Shitrione within a year of each other and still stay in a UFC that lets Misha Cirkunov and Kyoji Horiguchi walk. Not all of the other fighters even seem to believe he truly exists: some think he is just a fat guy lucking his way into a winning streak, while others describe him in hushed tones just as I have noted here. I have not met this Black Beast, but if it is true… no, I won’t even entertain the notion. Even if my wildest theories are as true as I believe, surely there is only so much a human body is capable of doing… right? When I ask to have Travis Browne come to the light so I can speak with him, it is one of the more turbulent times in my office. Mr. Sylvia immediately loses control of all fine motor functions. He immediately jerks about violently, swinging his arms and legs in spastic directions that don’t seem to achieve much of anything aside from knocking over the candy dish I keep on my desk. I’ve since begun using plastic rather than a glass apothecary jar to cut down on time spent sweeping afterwards. I oftentimes have to ask him to stay and wait for a new personality to take over before he leaves my office for the session, due to his propensity to fall down the stairs on the way out after randomly crescent kicking the light fixtures. If the Black Beast is described as the genetically perfect heavyweight specimen, I can only assume Tim Sylvia’s brain created Travis Browne as a sort of equal and opposite reaction, so to speak. I worry that if the myths of the Black Beast are true, this persona will suffer the worst for it. Middleweight  Johnny “Bigg Rigg” Hendricks vs.  Hector “Showeather” Lombard The Hendricks personality is perhaps one of the most significant elements in my theory that personalities can be so different in individuals with DID, as he has a severe eating disorder and the mental faculties of an 8-year-old, down from Mr. Sylvia’s typical 10-to-12-year-old range. Johnny, as he likes to be called, tells me he was once the welterweight champion, and he “hits hoard, know what I mean?” However, I have not seen any evidence of this in the two years I have been meeting with the patient. It seems he also eats convulsively and cannot make weight or win fights, which he blames on some unseen other he calls “Mike Dolce.” I am not sure if this Dolce is another personality, I will have to dig deeper. He tells me he dreams of opening a successful steakhouse and fears “the scary unspeakable evil with the terrible long arms,” but he says it is not the Black Beast. The Hector Lombard personality seems to have quite the following on the internet.He is a Cuban refugee, who ran away from his family to have a successful life as a wealthy athlete and somehow believes this makes him a victim of socialism. This personality is fiercely competitive and dishonorable, and willing to do anything it takes to get ahead, whether by doing steroids or fighting Australian cans for a hundred years. Interestingly, “Hector Lombard’s” blood tests positive for HGH and other PEDS, while “Johny Hendricks’” blood only tests positive for beef tallow. Further evidence? Additional research needed. Featherweight  Sam Sicilia vs.  Gavin Tucker Middleweight  Elias Theodorou vs.  Cezar “Mutante” Ferreira Women's Bantamweight  Sara McMann vs. Gina Mazany Lightweight Alessandro Ricci vs.  Paul Felder Sam Sicilia is one of the whinier and least pleasant personalities. I kind of don’t like when he comes to the light very much, if I may editorialize. He talks about his best friend, some homeless fisherman he met in the Pacific Northwest, is going to become the lightweight champion when he isn’t too busy losing to Joe Lauzon by cut stoppage. He did punch my balding angry Swedish-Iranian landlord pretty hard once though, so that was cool. The Elias Theodorou persona is also one that suffers from an additional mental disorder: delusions of grandeur. He seems to believe he is both a softcore porn novel cover model and the Prime Minister of Canada. He is clearly deranged and should not be engaged in these delusions for the sake of himself and all of Mr. Sylvia’s other personalities ,seeing as the body he does occupy is that of a slovenly, morbidly obese syrup chugger. Cezar Mutante believes he was raised by a condom stuffed with genetically modified walnuts with a 10-year-old Alabama trailer park resident’s haircut. Paul Felder has the same haircut that 10-year-old boy’s neighbor. Sara McMann has an Olympic silver medal in wrestling, and yet cannot wrestle. Perhaps there truly are limits to what DID can do. She also won’t stop getting the most awful tattoos when she’s in the light. I truly feel for Mr. Sylvia. Whenever I ask Mr. Sylvia to bring the others listed here to the light, I am most concerned for his mental well being. He simply hands me a link to a website called sherdog.com and his eyes glass over as he emits a ceaselessly long, smelly, whiny fart until someone else takes over. I do not know why he would commit to having a fight card full of personalities when he cannot possibly be assed to fill them with anything worth noting. My research is a lie, this is just a fat idiot. Other personalities to watch FS1 Prelims, 7 p.m. ET Welterweight Nordine Taleb vs. Santiago Ponzinibbio Women's Strawweight Mean Jerk Carla Esparza vs. My Online Girlfriend Randa Markos Bantamweight Aiemann Zahabi vs. Reginaldo Vieira Middleweight Jack Marshman vs. Thiago Santos Fight Pass Prelims, 6:30 p.m. ET Middleweight Gerald Meerschaert vs. Ryan Janes Official MMA Snack Rating: Anya Taylor-Joy, Haley Lu Richardson and Jessica Sula 
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Feb 19, 2017 19:49
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 01:16 |
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Go nordine
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Feb 19, 2017 20:22
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I've been looking forward to this card for 6 months
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Feb 19, 2017 20:59
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I.N.R.I posted:I've been looking forward to this card for 6 months Why?
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Feb 19, 2017 21:07
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He has an inflation fetish and is really into Hendricks/Lombard
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Feb 19, 2017 21:11
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I've been looking forward to this card for about 3-4 days when I looked it up and thought "eh, not too bad, could be a fun sunday night, especially since football is over."
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Feb 19, 2017 21:16
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If you're not hyped for Lewis/Browne slugging the poo poo out of each other then lol
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Feb 19, 2017 21:25
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My excitement towards Black Beast dipped considerably after his last fight, but if he starches Turd Golem all will be forgiven
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Feb 19, 2017 21:43
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Congratulations on putting more effort into the op than the UFC did putting this card together.
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Feb 19, 2017 21:50
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It's going to be better than the loving Bellator card last night and thats alright.
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Feb 19, 2017 22:26
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lets go bigg rigg
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Feb 19, 2017 22:29
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Da Black Beast and Beastin 25/8 created such a critical vortex of beast energy that 25/8 was able to "unleash the beast" and become beasting infinite, since then TBB has been hibernating to recharge his power. If I had to guess beating up ronda rouseys boyfriend probably only takes 1/10th of a beast tank so hopefully we'll have more beasting available in 2017.
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Feb 19, 2017 22:53
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Just kidding
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Feb 19, 2017 23:10
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I wont let a little thing like that stop me from watching it though
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Feb 19, 2017 23:12
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Is there any reason Browne's called the turd golem here outside of being bad?
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Feb 19, 2017 23:18
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I haven't been looking forward to this card. Like at all. I'm from Houston and I can't bring myself to get hyped for Lewis. He's funny but his ceiling seems pretty low.
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Feb 19, 2017 23:29
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Power of Pecota posted:Is there any reason Browne's called the turd golem here outside of being bad? Goons are mean
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Feb 19, 2017 23:30
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Power of Pecota posted:Is there any reason Browne's called the turd golem here outside of being bad? There was a funny post where he was called that and not many people like him. See also: fat shitrione.
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Feb 19, 2017 23:33
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rootin for da beast but i think browne is gonna win
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Feb 19, 2017 23:37
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I just hope the fighst are good ones and not repeats of da Beast walking around the cage winded and Big Rig lying on a guy
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Feb 19, 2017 23:41
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Bluedeanie posted:When I ask to have Travis Browne come to the light so I can speak with him, it is one of the more turbulent times in my office. Mr. Sylvia immediately loses control of all fine motor functions. He immediately jerks about violently, swinging his arms and legs in spastic directions that don’t seem to achieve much of anything aside from knocking over the candy dish I keep on my desk. I’ve since begun using plastic rather than a glass apothecary jar to cut down on time spent sweeping afterwards. I oftentimes have to ask him to stay and wait for a new personality to take over before he leaves my office for the session, due to his propensity to fall down the stairs on the way out after randomly crescent kicking the light fixtures. If the Black Beast is described as the genetically perfect heavyweight specimen, I can only assume Tim Sylvia’s brain created Travis Browne as a sort of equal and opposite reaction, so to speak. I worry that if the myths of the Black Beast are true, this persona will suffer the worst for it. how do you keep the quality this high with events every 15 minutes e: oh god the hendricks one is even better
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Feb 19, 2017 23:46
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good luck to todays winners and losers but it is monday morning and i have work to do
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Feb 19, 2017 23:50
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I.N.R.I posted:I wont let a little thing like that stop me from watching it though Embrace the grind.
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Feb 19, 2017 23:50
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SquirrelGrip posted:good luck to todays winners and losers but it is monday morning and i have work to do What godless country do you live in where its not a long weekend?
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Feb 20, 2017 00:09
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I didnt realize Randa finally gets to gently caress up the cookie monster tonight. Thats fuckin rad.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:17
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Tim Sylvia.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:22
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Skip My Posts posted:rootin for da beast but i think browne is gonna win im not so sure .. browne seems like the better fighter but he hasnt been looking good. granted his last 2 fights were werdum and cain
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Feb 20, 2017 00:25
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Browne's last win was the Matt Mitrione fight, which didn't show him off in any good kind of favour, because Mitrione was winning up until the eyepokes. Before that his last win was I don't know, Schaub back in 2013? Browne's probably still athletic enough that he stands a decent chance against any heavyweight prospect barring maybe Ngannou, but I think he has legitimately lost a step that it doesn't look like he's going to get back. It's a heavyweight fight, so it's inherently 50/50 by definition, but on paper, Lewis has shown improvements in his last few fights, whereas Browne has not, and has arguably got worse. Shirkelton fucked around with this message at 00:32 on Feb 20, 2017 |
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Feb 20, 2017 00:30
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Todd Grisham and Brian Stann on commentary tonight.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:33
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This Grisham dude kind of looks like a Mike Goldberg who cleaned up his act in order to get his kids back. Ryan Janes (???) kind of looks like someone tried to make a Maoi head in the Dark Souls character creator.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:33
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I don't know why they called Janes a fighter from British Columbia in the promo. He's from Newfoundland.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:35
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Le Saboteur posted:I don't know why they called Janes a fighter from British Columbia in the promo. He's from Newfoundland. The spirit of Goldie lives on.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:37
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I'm not sure Brian Stann knows Newfoundland and Nova Scotia are two different things
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Feb 20, 2017 00:37
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I like these Canada cards as I do like to see what prospects we've got and how they're progressing. I like Nordine Taleb a lot, I hope Elias Theodoreau can show a more killer instinct and I'm curious about Firas Zahabi's brother as well.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:38
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Do not at all like the Goldberg replacement. This guy is terrible.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:39
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Oh apparently Janes trains out of BC that must be awkward for him considering his home is on the exact opposite side of the country.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:39
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fake bruce buffer also v. disappointing
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Feb 20, 2017 00:39
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Soothing Vapors posted:fake bruce buffer also v. disappointing gently caress you, Martinez is my dude.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:40
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Joe Martinez owns. gently caress the haters.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:41
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Janes has no head movement. Put some bolts in either side of his neck and his physique would make a lot more sense.
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Feb 20, 2017 00:41
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