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Me: I'd like to order a pizza. Me: Make it an extra large meat lovers. Me: Ok, now can you bring three pizza boxes. Me: I need the thrill of the hunt. |
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Mar 6, 2017 01:09
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FBI LOGS: FutonForensic 02.28.2017.14.38: [Inbound call] Hello? [4 sec. pause] Oh sorry, I think you have the wrong number. No problem. Bye. Sorry. NO OTHER CALLS ON LOG
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Mar 6, 2017 05:52
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me: hi FBI guy FBI: uhh you're not really supposed to talk directly to us, lmao. we just listen  me: ooooh ok lol. well i'm just gonna dial the Big Latina Asses hotline. are you okay with Big Latina Asses? FBI: i freakin' love Big Latina Asses, my man. carry on lol me: *redial* hello, is this Big Latina Asses hotline  👌FBI:  👌
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Mar 6, 2017 15:27
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FutonForensic posted:me: hi FBI guy ---------------- |
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Mar 6, 2017 15:49
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Me: Eggs, cheese, hot sauce...uhh..kitty litter. Russian agent: Vy are you sayink dis to me Comrade, is not in codebook. *files FOIA request, goes grocery shopping 2 1/2 years later* ---------------- |
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Mar 6, 2017 16:15
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You people are all nuts. |
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Mar 6, 2017 16:48
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David Duchovny would never read any of these lines... |
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Mar 6, 2017 16:49
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FutonForensic posted:me: hi FBI guy
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Mar 6, 2017 17:24
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E Equals MC Hammer posted:David Duchovny would never read any of these lines... |
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Mar 6, 2017 17:58
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Bank: Hello. Before we can proceed with this call, you'll need to tell me your four digit security PIN. Me: poo poo, it's been a while. Um. Me: Four... Me: Six... Me: Two? Me: Um... Me: Err... FBI: Three Me: Right. Three. Me: Wat? |
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Mar 7, 2017 00:34
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Space Taxi posted:Bank: Hello. Before we can proceed with this call, you'll need to tell me your four digit security PIN. |
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Mar 7, 2017 00:42
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I furtively place the phone to my ear, a bead of sweat rolls down my forehead and into my brow eventually finding its way into my eye, stinging slightly. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, the words struggle to form in my throat. My confession, to the nothingness on the other end of an empty line, or so I think... lurches out of my mouth like a lame cripple, crawling into the light of righteous damnation: "I-I did it..." "I d-did the..." "the f-f-F..." "the Fappening... it was m-me" I start to sob softly into the receiver, releasing the tension of a sin I've carried too long upon my conscience. FBI:  ....... 
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Mar 7, 2017 01:16
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Awesome winter sig by Symbolic, love it!
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I pick up my phone and dial numbers at random. They're always the right ones. Two dial tones. One harsh buzz. Me: Hi, I'm an eldritch abomination. FBI: Sorry, this is under the CIA's purview. Me: Oh, cats? FBI: What? Me: Nobody ever understands me, not even the ones with extensive files. FBI: ... FBI: *click* Me, screaming frantically into dead phone line: THIS IS NOT A GAME! Insidious Whisper: We know. Me: Meow who's listening? Insidious Whisper: *click* Sing Along fucked around with this message at 02:12 on Mar 7, 2017 ---------------- |
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Mar 7, 2017 02:05
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I lay down the phone and collapse on the couch, completely enervated. My vision fades and shadows flicker around the room. "Hang in there, they're all going to pay." say the shadows in an encouraging tone. "I know." I manage to gasp out before I, smiling, collapse into the void. ---------------- |
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Mar 7, 2017 02:09
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It's nicer here. Also, it's significantly chiller.
---------------- |
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Mar 7, 2017 02:13
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FBI: We need more data on this fella, but he doesn't seem to be much for talking on his telephone. Put him on "Project Warranty." Me, for the next five years: Oh sorry I don't need an extended warranty for my vehicle... Yes... Please take me off your list.
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Mar 7, 2017 04:32
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me: hey, Chelsea? I just wanted to say... um... ???: TELL HER YOU ENJOY HER COMPANY. TREAT HER AS A PERSON, NOT AN OBJECT. Chelsea: Yeah! Do those things! me: uh, uh, slut! you're an ugly negged slut and you'll take me to prom! blehblehblehbleh (<-- bad cunnilingus noises) ???: YOU FOOL. YOU THREW AWAY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP. CHELSEA. GO TO PROM WITH ME. WE WILL RULE THE CEREMONY NOT AS PROM KING AND QUEEN, BUT AS PROM GODS Chelsea: nah
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Mar 7, 2017 06:15
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FutonForensic posted:me: hi FBI guy 
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Mar 7, 2017 16:04
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me, into banana: hello? HELLO? banana: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . hello? |
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Mar 7, 2017 16:16
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Manifisto posted:me, into banana: hello? HELLO? Apple Criminal: Check him to make sure he's not wearing a wire *Apple goons peel the banana* ---------------- |
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Mar 7, 2017 17:56
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*slams the table* this whole operation was worthless, I've got 45 hours from his samsung and all he does is respond to Dora's questions |
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Mar 8, 2017 19:53
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hey fbi can you ask NSA if they like me? :bigtran: |
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Mar 8, 2017 20:25
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please fbi, don't tap my morse code wire, bro. you messed up a complete sentence. not cool. 
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Mar 9, 2017 02:26
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I added a third thing to my morse code: squiggle. The FBI is working overtime to decrypt my communications.
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Mar 9, 2017 15:44
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cda posted:I added a third thing to my morse code: squiggle. The FBI is working overtime to decrypt my communications. smart move |
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Mar 10, 2017 02:08
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The FBI tapped my UFC match. I was winning too. |
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Mar 10, 2017 04:51
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who wiretaps the the wiretappers?
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Mar 10, 2017 05:27
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Vynar posted:who wiretaps the the wiretappers? |
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Mar 10, 2017 05:40
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Batman |
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Mar 10, 2017 13:03
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All of the government agencies are wiretapping me. As are all of the branches of the military, local police, coast guard, and amazon dot com. Imagine the raging party I came home to when all of their agents accidentally showed up to wiretap me at the same time. They drank all my beer and clogged all of my toilets. I am now completely out of doritos. Oh well I guess I can have the amazon guy order me some more.
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Mar 10, 2017 21:53
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Vynar posted:All of the government agencies are wiretapping me. As are all of the branches of the military, local police, coast guard, and amazon dot com. Imagine the raging party I came home to when all of their agents accidentally showed up to wiretap me at the same time. They drank all my beer and clogged all of my toilets. I am now completely out of doritos. Oh well I guess I can have the amazon guy order me some more. wow NSA guy you brought salted caramel gelato and grapefruit sculpin, two of my faves, how'd you know?? |
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Mar 10, 2017 22:38
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Vynar posted:who wiretaps the the wiretappers? Jake Tapper ---------------- |
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Mar 10, 2017 22:58
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Vynar posted:All of the government agencies are wiretapping me. As are all of the branches of the military, local police, coast guard, and amazon dot com. Imagine the raging party I came home to when all of their agents accidentally showed up to wiretap me at the same time. They drank all my beer and clogged all of my toilets. I am now completely out of doritos. Oh well I guess I can have the amazon guy order me some more. ---------------- |
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Mar 10, 2017 22:58
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I bet they never had to pay for a live cam show |
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Mar 14, 2017 02:10
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The FBI wiretapped my rear end. |
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Mar 14, 2017 03:04
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The FBI raped me. The end.
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Mar 14, 2017 03:23
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Dick Bastardly posted:The FBI raped me. The end. Wow, not funny dude, Rape is not a joke. There are probably victims of sex assault on this forum. U should be ashamed. |
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Mar 14, 2017 03:35
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I think a probate is in order, for the length in which time a drunken stupor should be assumed to have worn off, if the mod agrees I shall assume said punishment in disgrace. I apologize to any I may have offended.
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Mar 14, 2017 03:40
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Ace of Baes posted:The FBI wiretapped my rear end. so now they can read all your posts?? |
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Mar 14, 2017 04:21
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 00:29 |
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The FBI is listening to my microwave. FBI: We think he's using some kind of code. First he says "Mmm, I can't wait to eat this Hot Pocket" and then there's a scream of pain. He does it every night at 9:30 PM. ---------------- |
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Mar 14, 2017 14:58
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