|
First - you need to have a lot of money. This will let you purchase nice tailor-fit clothes, a good haircut, and provides a confident posture. You don't really need this job, you just want to push yourself and you think this conglomerate has the right stuff. Second - A firm handshake. Nothing says "I know my business" like a tight squeeze around another man's wrist. Third - ? |
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 17:24
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 20, 2024 12:48 |
|
|
Already have a job. What you're not good enough for jobs? Then why would we give you one? |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 17:38
|
|
|
 Gif makes a good point. Wearing socks are pretty important unless you are interviewing at a surf shop (the chill atmosphere there may call for flip flops!) Not convinced about the sprinkles.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 17:48
|
|
|
-if at all possible try to be born white and male
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 17:53
|
|
|
|
Nothing says "I want this job" like saying "I want this job." Don't dance around the subject or get bogged down with details. Be straight and to the point. Prospective employers will appreciate your honesty. Here is an example job interview: Prospective Employer: Why do you want this job? You: I would like to have the money, also I think this job is right for me. PE: What makes you think that you are the best fit for this job? You: I meet the qualifications better than any other candidate. PE: What would you say is your greatest weakness? You: Sometimes I am not as strong as I would like to be. PE: Wow, you're hired! How does a significant signing bonus sound? You: I accept with a poo poo-eating grin of conquest that most would find off-putting but that you will identify with as a soulless executive. |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 18:01
|
|
|
|
Sign on to THIS
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 18:14
|
|
|
if your friend has two jobs ask if they can lend you one of theirs
f u |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 18:27
|
|
|
Be assertive. Nothing says more "take control" than actually taking control of the interview and conducting it yourself. Don't be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions, either- set yourself up, but last second pull off a real clutch answer that will guarantee you the job when you award it to yourself after the interview. Fire the previous interviewer for being less than perfect enough to conduct it for you. Continue climbing the company ladder using your self-assertive powers until you're at odds with yourself over whether or not you deserve the CEO bonus you put before the Board of Directors to award you. Ultimately, give yourself the bonus, you deserve it!
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 18:47
|
|
|
|
Eye contact is a must (see previous thread on this topic). Few interviewers can resist the sweet caress of a well-lubricated cornea. |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 19:00
|
|
|
google THIS posted:Eye contact is a must (see previous thread on this topic). Few interviewers can resist the sweet caress of a well-lubricated cornea. just going to add that a good stare (2-3 minutes minimum) before conversation starts is essential to good conversation. if you're feeling confident enough pair that stare with a firm handshake and don't let go until the stare is over and your eyes have drifted down to your interviewers midsection and then back up again, add a cherry on top by whispering something unintelligible to yourself followed by a light yipping sound
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 19:05
|
|
|
|
Try casually sharpening an array of knives during your interview. If you're interviewing to be a chef they'll know you mean business. If you're interviewing for any other kind of job they'll know you really mean business. |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 19:15
|
|
|
google THIS posted:Try casually sharpening an array of knives during your interview. If you're interviewing to be a chef they'll know you mean business. If you're interviewing for any other kind of job they'll know you really mean business. good "point" on gaining a competitive "edge" you sure are "sharp."
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 19:21
|
|
|
i usually spend the first five or ten minutes arranging my pogs on the interviewer's desk, its helps display my knowledge of relevant hobbies and might just set the stage for a trade further down the line
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 19:22
|
|
|
|
the interview conductor turns around his laptop and presents me with a code challenge site. "show me how'd you solve this problem." i take the laptop, open up a new tab in Chrome and watch kitten compilations for the next eight hours
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 19:39
|
|
|
Lowtax: "So it says here your hobbies are posting on Internet forums, watching livestreamers and jerking it 24/7 to big bouncy hentai tittays?" Job Candidate: "uh yes sir" L: "You really thought that would work? You've just written the job description as your hobbies" JC: "Yes sir, sorry I know you're right it was..." L: "Gutsy!!... and I like it! Have your first 5 front page article ideas on my desk at 8 tomorrow morning... and wear a suit." JC: "Uh.. yes! Yessir! I won't let you down!" As he leaves Lowtax reclines into his leather wingback chair and takes a long drag on his cigar "hmm... reminds me of myself at his age" |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 21:47
|
|
|
|
unhinge your jaw and swallow the interviewer whole this will show the interviewer you mean business and provide you with a well-deserved snack |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 22:13
|
|
|
One thing to keep to yourself when it comes to interviews is that no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 23:04
|
|
|
|
Never break eye contact, don't blink, slowly lick your lips, keep one hand down your pants, speaking optional.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2017 23:41
|
|
|
|
HotSoapyBeard posted:Lowtax: "So it says here your hobbies are posting on Internet forums, watching livestreamers and jerking it 24/7 to big bouncy hentai tittays?" Can confirm. Also, it never hurts to offer a bribe, especially if it's a relevant job like ethics board member or independent police investigator. Offer your bribe clearly and directly, preferably with many witnesses. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 00:35
|
|
|
|
Walk in to interview room, tell the interviewer "Lookin good!". Dump a bucket of barbecue sauce all over them, and pull out a knife and fork. "Lookin real good!"
|
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 00:36
|
|
|
byob post history
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 00:38
|
|
|
|
Tell interviewer "You don't look a day over 40! Like 40k a year, did you just get a raise yesterday? How much do they pay here?"
|
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 00:40
|
|
|
|
dont bother showing up. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 02:59
|
|
|
|
Smash your interviewer with a picture frame. Then tell them to shout out "I've been framed!" when they run out of the office. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 04:05
|
|
|
Third. Tuck your pants in to your socks |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 04:06
|
|
|
|
A heavy coating of Vaseline on the palms will leave an impression not soon forgotten with the hiring manager after your handshake. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 04:07
|
|
|
|
Be constantly drinking water during the interview. Like you are dying of thirst. Gasp loudly for air between chugging. Let the water pour down your face, making your clothing slick with moisture. Answer in short raspy responses between gulps. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 04:10
|
|
|
Be prepared to ask for a raise before you even get the job. Something along the lines of: "Listen, we all know my value around here is worth well more than what I am currently being paid. I think a 10% raise with a $4000 bonus is perfectly reasonable, under the circumstances." This will show your potential employee that you won't be pushed around like so many of the white collar peons at XYZ Enterprises, and he will have to take you seriously.
|
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 15:09
|
|
|
|
offer to switch places with your interviewer for a day, in the style of trading places or about a zillion other movies. when it comes time to switch back (each having learned an important lesson), don't switch. bingo, you've got a job! don't hire other you though, that would just be awkward. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 15:29
|
|
|
|
the greatest power play is to Play With Power. bring an NES and a 2L of cherry soda and friend, you've turned a dull interruption of someone's workday into a party
|
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 15:47
|
|
|
FutonForensic posted:the greatest power play is to Play With Power. bring an NES and a 2L of cherry soda and friend, you've turned a dull interruption of someone's workday into a party Also, let your interviewer get first dibs on Mario. But - if he goes for Lugio, you better bail out as that's a red flag that the business is lazy and complacent.
|
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 16:10
|
|
|
Get your dick out early, remember to draw the smiley face on it before the interview. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 17:41
|
|
|
|
If you want to bring a snack that is fine, but bring enough to share. let the interviewer have first dibs to show you are courteous
|
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 22:47
|
|
|
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 10 years? You: Sitting in my executive office reminiscing with you about the awesome answer I gave to this question at the interview 10 years ago and the magical partnership of success that it spawned between us. We then high five and go out for tacos. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 23:11
|
|
|
Nothing says "hire me" like a high pressure stream of blood from the eyes. Make sure to coat as much of the room as possible to mark it as your territory. |
|
#
?
Mar 22, 2017 23:37
|
|
|
Criticize their business model before even sitting down. In fact - don't sit down at all. Lay into their entire methodology and explain how you would change it; thereby showing your invaluable quality. A quick "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF" smack across the face will also establish alpha-personality traits.
|
|
#
?
Mar 23, 2017 01:00
|
|
|
|
When they ask you "Where do you see yourself in five years?" look the guy straight in the eye and say, "Doing your job." |
|
#
?
Mar 23, 2017 04:43
|
|
|
|
interviewer walks in. you stand up. "d-dad? it's me... it's ya boi..." you have a touching reunion. the man who thinks you're his progeny passes the company on to you, which you tank immediately. another facet of capitalism destroyed.
|
|
#
?
Mar 23, 2017 15:01
|
|
|
FutonForensic posted:interviewer walks in. you stand up. "d-dad? it's me... it's ya boi..." you have a touching reunion. the man who thinks you're his progeny passes the company on to you, which you tank immediately. another facet of capitalism destroyed.
|
|
#
?
Mar 23, 2017 15:08
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 20, 2024 12:48 |
|
|
FutonForensic posted:interviewer walks in. you stand up. "d-dad? it's me... it's ya boi..." you have a touching reunion. the man who thinks you're his progeny passes the company on to you, which you tank immediately. another facet of capitalism destroyed.
|
|
#
?
Mar 23, 2017 18:09
|
|
