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Thunder Moose

S.J.C.

FutonForensic posted:

interviewer walks in. you stand up. "d-dad? it's me... it's ya boi..." you have a touching reunion. the man who thinks you're his progeny passes the company on to you, which you tank immediately. another facet of capitalism destroyed.

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Space Taxi
Give the interviewer a box with his daughter's severed finger inside and say, "I think we both know who is getting the corner office."

Thunder Moose

S.J.C.
Bust out the bottle of sherry, start a Barry Manilow record, and light a log fire in the corner. Then - start rubbing your prospective employer's shoulders.

Manifisto


Thunder Moose posted:

Bust out the bottle of sherry, start a Barry Manilow record, and light a log fire in the corner. Then - start rubbing your prospective employer's shoulders.

If I were interviewing you I might well give you the job for this

Deadmeat Redux

Little lost BYOB
So....do I have the Bjob?

*winks knowingly*

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.


constant, unbreaking eye contact. don't blink. don't breathe.

FactsAreUseless

Deadmeat Redux posted:

So....do I have the Bjob?

*winks knowingly*
*Bjork unleashes her True Voice, destroying you utterly from the inside*

a misanthrope

:burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug:
don't put "guru" on your resume or talk about social media like you got your masters degree in facebook or something. i throw those resumes in the fuckin garbage.


FutonForensic

"Ok, we're all here, are you ready for the interview?"

"yes, but first--who wants their christmas bonuses?" you say, standing up and revealing a handful of checks!

the conference room goes berzerk. you're skipping around the table, flinging out paper while everyone's crying and clapping in unison. "christ-mas! christ-mas!" it's still march and no one cares.

you finish your lap and stand at the head of the table. they're just starting to catch their breath, when you whip out your other hand stuffed with a second wad of checks. "second verse, same as the first!" they're flailing their arms and yelling like kermit


Elusif

Zoinks

Space Taxi
Whatever job you are going for have some magic tricks rehearsed. I can't tell you how many jobs I have got with the you-have-a-coin-behind-your-ear trick. HR loves that poo poo.

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.


FutonForensic posted:

they're flailing their arms and yelling like kermit

amazing

Twenty Four


*Walks in to interview* "Hey, so are you down for some sexy times?"

"I think that would be a conflict of interests."

"I understand if you need to step down from your job."

Twenty Four fucked around with this message at 12:23 on Mar 25, 2017

Space Taxi
When the interviewer reaches out to shake your hand, spit in his face, then apologize profusely. This will show that you have humility and are a team player.

HotSoapyBeard

I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN

FutonForensic posted:

"Ok, we're all here, are you ready for the interview?"

"yes, but first--who wants their christmas bonuses?" you say, standing up and revealing a handful of checks!

the conference room goes berzerk. you're skipping around the table, flinging out paper while everyone's crying and clapping in unison. "christ-mas! christ-mas!" it's still march and no one cares.

you finish your lap and stand at the head of the table. they're just starting to catch their breath, when you whip out your other hand stuffed with a second wad of checks. "second verse, same as the first!" they're flailing their arms and yelling like kermit

ShinyBirdTeeth

sparkle sparkle sparkle

a misanthrope posted:

don't put "guru" on your resume or talk about social media like you got your masters degree in facebook or something. i throw those resumes in the fuckin garbage.

I got my masters in blockchain and then did an internship in data and platforms-as-a-service do you think you have an opening for a thought-leading, thinkfluencer such as myself?

Deadmeat Redux

Little lost BYOB

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

I got my masters in blockchain and then did an internship in data and platforms-as-a-service do you think you have an opening for a thought-leading, thinkfluencer such as myself?

Are you applying to save the Princess? If so when-a can you-a start-a?

Space Taxi
*I walk into my job interview in a tank top and shorts*

Boss: Do you think that's proper attire for a job interview? You should be wearing a suit and tie.

Me: But then you wouldn't see these guns.

*I strike a double biceps pose that would make Schwarzenegger weep*

Boss: You're hired!

ShinyBirdTeeth

sparkle sparkle sparkle
A lot of people blow the interview because they lack confidence not because they lack qualifications. Some people listen to a powerful song or exercise before an interview. Some people have a "lucky" tie or a special bit of jewelry. Some people get their chest hair permed or their teeth blackened. Find your source of strength, your warrior spirit dance, and do it proudly before every interview. Don't worry, you won't have to do it often, because with your new-found confidence, you'll be employed and climbing the corporate ladder in no time.

Meeksha

i did it all for the nookie
Ask me how!
-freb dust

Space Taxi posted:

When they ask you "Where do you see yourself in five years?" look the guy straight in the eye and say, "Doing your job."

"Being your boss, sitting at this same table, and firing you."

-----


come on and slam and welcome to the jam

Thank you Heather Papps for the summer sig!

Meeksha

i did it all for the nookie
Ask me how!
-freb dust
1) it is good to be confident and assertive, but never forget to give the interviewer a safe word BEFORE the interview starts. the interview is a careful balance of going just to the edge of crushing the interviewer's spirit and demonstrating your drive to get the job done. tell them the safe word is "YOUAREHIRED."

2) stay awake for a minimum of 40 hours before going into the interview. you'll want to make sure you have dark rings around your eyes and a sunken, vacant expression so that your level of commitment is evident. you should also be hallucinating at this point, making all of the interviewer's questions what you want them to be, which in turn will make the interview a cinch.

-----


come on and slam and welcome to the jam

Thank you Heather Papps for the summer sig!

Matoi Ryuko


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQPtKNZpfz4

Piso Mojado

when negotiating your salary its typical to lead the negotiation by letting one of their family members go, as a show of good faith.

Piso Mojado

double post

Twenty Four


Piso Mojado posted:

when negotiating your salary its typical to lead the negotiation by letting one of their family members go, as a show of good faith.

Also to give them an envelope with a toe in it, complete with nail polish, to let them know you mean business about benefits and vacation time.

Yobgoblin

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Best way is to get in good with any of the head-ups.

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Fuck My Ass
always thinking about loving the bosses daughter it will make you chill out a little bit. cheers OP :cheers:




Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

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