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A BUNCH OF GUYS PLAYING FOR THE WHITE SOX UNTIL THE PROSPECTS COME UP The 2016 White Sox had what I think was the funniest season in recent baseball memory that involved: -A Spring Training scandal where Adam LaRoche retired from baseball because the White Sox would not allow his son to essentially join the team as a baseball player intern. The LaRoche fiasco led to a mutiny and threatened game boycott by White Sox players who hung the 13-year-old LaRoche's jersey in the locker room and had Adam Eaton describe him as a "leader in the clubhouse." Adam LaRoche then retired to spend time with his family and his hobby of undercover, overseas prostitution stings. -Chris Sale getting so mad about terrible throwback jerseys that he cut up his and his teammates' in the locker room so no one could wear them. -The Sox trade for James Shields, who then goes on like a month-long meltdown where he can't get out of the second inning, and this seems cruel, but I think even White Sox fans found it funny after awhile because it became like an avant-garde parody of baseball pitching. -Hit seven home runs in a game and lost. -ESPN, caught up in the Cubs hype, repeatedly forgot that the White Sox won the World Series in 2005, breaking an incredible drought only topped by one lovely franchise. The Sox had hoped to contend, but they languished in misery above only the moribund twins, so they decided to blow everything up and now are an assorted mess of prospects, sort of major-leaguey guys, and guys who haven't been traded yet. TRADED  Chris Sale Sale is one of the nastiest pitchers in all of baseball, and the Sox traded him to Boston in a classic intra-sox swap. Sale joins a championship contender although if he has like one bad game, he'll probably get brayed at by people who can't say the letter R. Adam Eaton Had an all-star caliber season and gold-glove caliber fielding season. He's off to the Nationals. Robin Ventura If Robin Ventura is going to spend the rest of his life desperately trying to accomplish something that will prevent "got his rear end kicked by Nolan Ryan" to lead his obituary, he did not get that managing the White Sox. THE MANAGER  Renteria was the bench coach. He has experience with rebuilding teams because he managed a truly putrid Cubs team that had like four major league players on it before getting kicked to the curb because Maddon became available. Renteria should be a great White Sox manager: affinity with young players, respect from veterans, and a legitimate grievance against the Cubs. THE PLAYERS  Jose Abreu, 1B .293/.353/.468 Abreu's numbers look fine, but it's his worst year in the majors after debuting as a star. WILL HE BE TRADED: Probably. He's already 30.  Tyler Saladino, 2B .282/.315/.409 Keeping it warm for Moncada. Also has the best White Sox mustache since Jose Valentin, who was a coach for Puerto Rico in the WBC and shaved his mustache and it was really disconcerting. WILL HE BE TRADED: Saladino's a fine bench guy.  Tim Anderson .283/.306/.432 Anderson is the Sox's shortstop of the future. He's super fast, a good fielder, and has got some pop as part of the vanguard of young shortstops taking over baseball. He also strikes out a ton-- 117 in 431 PAs compared with 13 walks he took in his rookie season. WILL HE BE TRADED: Anderson just signed a big extension.  Todd Frazier, 3B .225/.302/.464 Frazier is a good third baseman who hit 40 home runs and that is pretty much the sum total of all he can do in baseball anymore. WILL HE BE TRADED: The Sox would love to trade him if they can get anything for him. Geovany Soto, C .269./321/.487 Hey do you remember him? He was on the White Sox in 2015 and also a rookie of the year with the Cubs and is a guy who plays catcher who is not Dioner Navarro or Alex Avila. The White Sox have a pitcher in their system named Giovanni Soto, and if they never bring him up to have the first-ever all Geovany Soto battery, Rick Hahn should be arrested. WILL HE BE TRADED: I mean, I guess if someone desperately wanted Geovany Soto they could get him  Melky Cabrera, LF .296/.345/.455 Hey, those are some pretty drat solid numbers from the Melk Man! One time I was at a Sox game and Melky tried to bunt and a guy at the end of my row stood of and screamed YOU CAN'T TAKE THE BAT OUT OF THE HANDS OF A PLUS HITTER while vibrating in fury and he was absolutely right. Don't bunt, Melky. You own too much. WILL HE BE TRADED: Melky's on the block.  Jacob May, CF .266/.309/.352 I literally don't know anything about this guy but he's going to play now that they traded Bourjos. WILL HE BE TRADED: Youth movement. THE KIDS CAN PLAY  Avisail Garcia, RF .245./307/.385 Jesus christ, this guy's still on the team? Good god, he sucks. WILL HE BE TRADED: The White Sox have volunteered Avi Garcia for the next Biosphere project. PITCHERS  Jose Quintana, RHP Quintana is an extremely good pitcher under a really cheap contract for the next few years. WILL HE BE TRADED: For more information about a Quintana trade, go to every single thing written about him for the past several months. The Sox want a ton for him, but he's young enough that he could still fit with the rebuilding plan.  Carlos Rodon, LHP Big, beefy lefty who throws gas and has one of the nastiest sliders in all of baseball. The stuff is there, but the control is not and he walks a ton of guys. He's nursing an injured bicep to start the season. WILL HE BE TRADED: No fuckin' way  James Shields, RHP I don't know if I've seen a major league pitcher get shelled like Shields and still dragged out start after start. He's awful and, while the Sox gave up little for him, he's still an albatross contract. The James Shields Disaster Watch will be one of the better White Sox subplots this season. WILL HE BE TRADED: I can't imagine anyone would trade for Shields unless they want to make the rest of their pitching staff feel better about themselves, the New Inefficiency Other Notable Pitchers David Roberts, Closer Like to be traded Nate Jones, slider Last time I went to a Sox game a loud, leather-lunged dude screamed for like 20 minutes about how Nate Jones had the best slider in baseball and made him want to orgasm. Michael Ynoa Cool name SEASON OUTLOOK Moncada will be up sometime this season. They're retiring Buhrle's number. Tickets will be way cheaper than Cub tickets. R.D. Mangles fucked around with this message at 03:15 on Apr 1, 2017 |
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Apr 1, 2017 03:13
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PRAY FOR DEATH, IT'S THE 2017 CINCINNATI REDS Major League Baseball's oldest team is in a period of transition and they're burning this thing down. Brandon Philipps is gone. Jay Bruce remains a Met. Joey Votto makes his heroic stand against paper airplanes and opposing fans. And all around are a bunch of dudes that I've only vaguely heard of. The Reds will, by almost all reckoning, be pretty terrible this year as the memory of the Great Reds Insurgency of 2010 when they won the NL Central fades. The Reds play in the same division as the Cubs, the Pirates, and the eternal Cardinals who will certainly defy PECOTA and elbow their way into the race because that's part of NL Central Cosmology. MANAGER  Bryan Price Took over from Dusty Baker in 2013. Here is him in 2015 going on a tirade against the media. This is the only interesting thing about Bryan Price. His rant is pretty boring too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wROe2dzJDqY THE CINCINNATI REDS  Joey Votto, 1B The sneer is gone from Votto's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate, He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate; And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it by, And now the air is shattered by the force of Votto’s eye. Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright, The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout, But there is no joy in Cincy—mighty Joey has very patiently taken yet another walk as Reds fans howl at disgust because he needs to Make Things Happen and get RBIs.  2B Scooter Gennett, 2B The biggest upset in baseball is not the Cubs winning a World Series after 108 years-- it is a tiny infielder named Scooter drifting around the NL Central without playing for the St. Louis Cardinals. The Cardinals thrive on Scooters, on Piscottii and Hazels-baker and every other sort of Keebler name a person can think of and this person will undoubtedly do nothing but make the most infuriating play against your team in every series while somehow nursing an OPS of like .680. Scooter is basically a generic MLB player, but I'm convinced that being named Scooter keeps him in the bigs.  Zach Cozart, SS Cozart's got a good glove and an ok bat for a shortstop. He hit 16 dingers last year. He's fine.  Eugenio Surarez, 3B Got some pop, plays a decent third base. He's fine.  Devin Mesoraco, C Mesoraco owned in 2014 when he hit .273/.359/.534 and went to the All Star game. Since then, he's been extremely injured with hip problems and shoulder problems and he's in the minors doing rehab starts right now. Tucker Barnhart will be the Reds' catcher who provides mainly an extremely baseball name. Tucker Barnhart relaxes in the offseason by getting roundhouse kicked by Walker, Texas Ranger after breaking into nursing homes to steal medicine.  Adam Duvall, LF Hey, guess who the Reds sent to the All-Star game last year. No, it wasn't Joey Votto, the only really good player on the Reds. It was Adam Duvall, who clubbed his way there by hitting a bunch of dingshots (33) and doing pretty much nothing else of consequence.  Billy loving Hamilton, CF There is no more terrifying sight in baseball than Billy Hamilton on first. He stares at the pitcher. The pitcher throws back to first, grinding the game to a halt unless he is Jon Lester in which case he is hosed. Billy gets ready. Before the ball even leaves the pitcher's hand he's already on second because time and space are meaningless to Billy Hamilton. He stares at the pitcher again. He might very well go to third. There isn't much to stop him. There he is, rocking back and forth, ready to go like he was shot out of a cannon. This is what Billy does-- he doesn't need power because he can fly around the bases like the Concorde and run down anything hit into center and mainly use his jet speed to walk back to the dugout because Billy Hamilton cannot hit for poo poo. Scott Scehbler, RF This is not a real baseball player. PITCHERS  Scott Feldman RHP This guy is still in the league, look at that. Thanks for Jake Arrieta, amigo.  Bronson Arroyo Holy gently caress, it's Bronson Arroyo and he's back after a sojourn in the desert. I was going to make fun of this more, but I looked at his stats and he's still hovering around a 100 ERA+ which is absolutely fine for Bronson Arroyo and his giant straight leg kick delivery.  Brandon Finnegan This played in a college world series and a World Series in the same season with the Royals then got traded to the Reds as part of the Johnny Cueto trade. Had a decent year last year, his first as a full-time starter (though FIP hated him) and had a great first start this year.  Rookie Davis What the gently caress. No one is very interesting in the bullpen. Hey were you looking for Homer Bailey because he was one of the few recognizable Reds names? Well, I just looked and he is recovering from elbow surgery, the natural state of Homer Bailey. REDS OUTLOOK Joey Votto continues his war on paper planes and entitled ball hawking kids. R.D. Mangles fucked around with this message at 03:53 on Apr 10, 2017 |
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Apr 10, 2017 03:41
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THE BREW CREW WILL FINISH AHEAD OF THE CINCINNATI REDS The Brewers, like the Reds, are going for a youth movement. They're preparing to close the book on the Ryan Braun Era that culminated with a brief shot at playoff glory that resulted in a trade of a ton of good prospects for Zach Grienke and, I believe, one playoff win. They already traded Lucroy to Texas for a haul of prospects after he refused to go to Cleveland. But, like other rebuilding teams following the scored earth policy, the Brewers are building up an impressive farm system and are a young, fun bunch that may have found an unexpected superstar in Eric Thames and hope to one day have a home series against the Cubs that is not invaded by obnoxious suburban Cubs fans.  Craig Counsell, Manager Hey do you remember the guy with the insane batting stance? Well, he's the manager now and we don't get to see him contort his body in weird and unnatural ways unless he's filling out the lineup card with his arms extended or going out to yell at an ump on his hands.  Eric Thames, 1B After a brief career in the majors, Thames went overseas and basically became the Barry Bonds of Korea for four years. Now Thames, literally nicknamed "God" has come back. If this were Spring Training, we'd still be talking about whether he could bring his Korean success back to the US, but several weeks into the season the answer is yes and oh holy poo poo yes. Thames is loving mashing. He is smashing dingers and he's walking and he looks like the best power hitter in baseball right now, even if he's on an unsustainable Chris Shelton streak, he looks like the real deal. After absolutely smoking the Cubs, their pitching coach basically accused him of roiding and professional grumpy ol' cuss and denture model John Lackey contributed "where'n he hittin' the durn ball must be usin' some sort of liniment reminds me of when ol' Bobby Reed came back from the Great War." Jonathan Villar, 2B Villar hit an unexpected .285/.369/.457 last year and, more importantly, stole 62 bases. He could be a bright spot for the Brewers if he can sustain anything near that again. Orlando Arcia, SS Arcia is an exciting shortstop with a great glove who was one of Milwaukee's top prospects. Can he hit in the majors? Well, it is not going great so far, but he's only 22. Travis Shaw, 3B Shaw was traded to the Brewers from Boston. Most notable for beating out Pablo Sandoval for the Red Sox' 3B job in 2016, but had a pretty mediocre year at the plate, Shaw has already managed to irritate the hell out of me by mashing numerous dingers against the Cubs even though I've never heard of him. He already has 5 this season. Seems to be a functioning major league third baseman, no doubt warming the base for some 3B guy.  JETT BANDY, C Former Angel picked up on the waiver wire to replace Jonathan Lucroy, he's most notable for being named JETT BANDY, look at this Star Wars-rear end name, this guy trains in the offseason by targeting wampa rats in his speeder or whatever. Hernan Perez RF Pretty much a bog-standard generic outfielder.  Keon Broxton, CF Broxton had a decent year for a rookie outfielder in 200 PAs last year. His most notable skill is suffering grotesque injuries: a broken wrist while running into the brick wall at Wrigley last year, and getting hit in the face by a baseball but somehow playing the next day.  Ryan Braun, LF Ryan Braun is the greatest Brewer in the modern era and also a guy who will be booed on the road for the rest of his life because he got caught roiding and tried to wriggle his way out of it in the most Nixonian fashion possible. Now Braun is a tempting trade target, someone who would be really nice to roll out for a team on a playoff push and it will be incredibly weird to see him not in a Brewers jersey. PITCHERS Jimmy Nelson: Enormous heater man, has great stuff, but had issues of control last year. Zach Davies: Guy who rarely tops the high 80s with control. Junior Guerra: Came out of nowhere last year to have a great rookie season at the age of 31, one of baseball's great stories last year. Now, with the Brewers hoping to see if he's for real or a bizarre, one-year wonder, he got hurt before the season and is trying to work his way back from a strained calf.  Matt Garza "Matt Garza had some friendly advice for Jeff Samardzija, saying his former teammate needs to "pitch your way out of there" if he doesn't want to stay with the Chicago Cubs." Lol, thanks for Grimm and Stringbean Edwards, chump.  Neftali Feliz, Closer Hey remember when Feliz came up with the Rangers when they were really good and came out of the bullpen to destroy people and then had kind of an up-and-down season in and out of the rotation? Well, he turned out to be not as good as that, but he's found his way to the Brewers and looks pretty decent as a closer.  Jared Hughes, Setup RHP Jared Hughes has one of the best gimmicks in baseball. The manager calls for a righty out of the pen and Hughes comes sprinting out of the bullpen at full bore like a maniac while everyone not already familiar with the former pirate thinks to him or herself what the gently caress is with this dude. When Hughes does that and then immediately gives up a homer, it is incredibly funny. If he were to ever trip and fall on his face while Ultimate Warrioring his way to the mound, I think I would die. Hughes is unironically one of my favorite baseball players.
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Apr 23, 2017 18:39
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