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Cactus Ghost
Dec 20, 2003

you can actually inflate your scrote pretty safely with sterile saline, syringes, needles, and aseptic technique. its a niche kink iirc

the saline just slowly gets absorbed into your blood but in the meantime you got a big round smooth distended nutsack
Back in January, I did the dumb thing in the thread title. From the General Chat Thread:

OMGVBFLOL posted:

i just impulse-bought a pre-cooked 24lb ham because it was $0.99/lb

what the hell do i do with it

edit: i started by putting it in the fridge but then i ran out of ideas. give me ham ideas




thread gave me lots of good ideas

Ben Nevis posted:

Eat all the ham.
yes

theres a will theres moe posted:

Do you have access to a cannon?
i like your style, but no
wtf is that a thing?
wait WTF is THAT a thing???
haha i forgot about this. this is perfect, i'm so down :yayclod::hf::barf:

made some tea cause :gay: and away I went


:btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll: - - - - - :btroll:

first to get started the hard-boiled eggs I would need for Paula Deen's Ham Salad

I mostly follow the method detailed by Kenji at Food Lab because it works really well for me. I am lazier about starting them at a rolling boil because i'm impatient, and less disciplined about letting the temp drop all the way to 180 because it just doesn't feel right to turn the heat completely off. I also use a cheater heat-based egg timer because it mostly makes up for my sloppiness. I haven't had underdone or green-ringed yolks since I started using the heat timer.

there's that lack of discipline

then get started on the mayo i would need for both of the "salads", the other being Kelly's Ham Jell-O Salad

Beck, Bertholle & Child are my wingmen. i learned to cook out of my great-grandma's copy of this book as a teenager and I return to it often.

while the eggs are simmering, i start doing other stuff

chopping celery for both salads


shredding cabbage and

draining pineapple for the jello


separating eggs for the mayo


lemon jello gets whisked up with the pineapple canning liquid and put in the fridge



eggs are now chillaxe

yolks are broken, vinegared, and whipped, time to run the gauntlet of whisking as i add the oil

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggHHHhhhhhhhh

ok the crisis is over, my beating arm (:quagmire:) can rest

and then after a while longer and some fuckin' sore arms from all the whisking, those four yolks have soaked up a half-liter of oil


now to get some mustard to mix into the mayo for the...

...i had a accident


OKAY. Everything else is done for now, the jello is firming up in the fridge. time to CARVE THIS SUCKER UP


uh...

uh......

hmm.



...

time passes...

...


i think this is what it said to do?

either way:

--->


ok. the partially-set jello has had the mayo folded into it

pouring it into a springform cake pan for a mold

hmm... maybe if i smooth it out it'll be more appetizing?

:pwn:

into the fridge to set

Time for a little snack break!

Chemmy posted:

A sandwich with ham instead of bread.

nummy


time to make Ham Salad

veggies first, then all the spices + mayo + mustard + hard boiled eggs

this was already getting to be too much for one bowl, I ended up having to divide it between two huge serving bowls holy moley

mmmm meat salad


while that sits in the fridge to rest, I set to deboning and carving the rest of the ham

big ham bone going to be the centerpiece of a big pot of split pea soup someday; for now it goes in the freezer

when i was done i had three gallons of ham in my fridge. Excluding what I had already used AND the giant-rear end bone AND the half-gallon of trimmings and fat in the freezer. holy moley again

as the gallons of meat went in, out came my cake pan half-full of meat and vegetable jello. turned it out onto a dinner plate.


MOMENT(s) OF TRUTH


the ham salad is really good, though the eggs dominated the flavor and i resolved to try it without them

the jello... well, ham works okay with sweet flavors. i just don't know if immersing it in heavily sweetened gelatin is the way to go. maybe if i used straight gelatin and only lightly sweetened it? the bright artificial yellow was off-putting too. the best I can say for it is: i didn't find it repulsive, just unnerving. over the course of a few days i finished it. but then again, i'm of limited means right now and it pains me to waste food, so take that as you will. someone pickier than me would very likely throw it away. my roommate, who thought it was some sort of egg dish, took one bite and just shook his head.

that's all for now, ham fans. but stay tuned for the 70s recipe card ham and bananas hollandaise. I have the pictures and just need to write the trip report.

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That Works
Jul 22, 2006

Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy


This is fantastic.

CARL MARK FORCE IV
Sep 2, 2007

I took a walk. And threw up in an English garden.
Maybe the best GWS thread OP in years.
Bravo

CannonFodder
Jan 26, 2001

Passion’s Wrench
I got here from PYF, is it too late for suggestions?

Because my suggestion is scalloped potatoes but replace 1/4 of the potatoes with ham slices.


Also this:
Roast Beef's Hell Baby : http://www.achewood.com/honorclub/ckbk1_honor_system_full.pdf page 44

Roast Beef says: "Here is a slightly modernized version of a classic breakfast dish that uses eggs and meats to look like a baby that came from Hell."
1) Fried Egg: The egg forms the head
2) Link Sausages: Two small sausages form the arms
3) Ham Steak: A ham steak forms the Hell Baby's body
4) Bacon: Classically this recipe calls for pants of tripe. In addition to procurement difficulties, tripe's popularity has fallen by the wayside in modern times. I replace the tripe with crispy bacon.
(5) Shoes: Some people like to add little toast shoes but I think that takes some of the hellishness away from the dish.

The Hell Baby serves 1.

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO
Feb 28, 1985


Looking forward to the 1970s Banana Ham abomination :discourse:

theres a will theres moe
Jan 10, 2007


Hair Elf
woah black betty
banana ham

Uhhlive
Jun 18, 2004

I'm not the public.
I'm the President
I need that banana ham recipe. Although I'm just imagining its banana + ham + hollandaise.

mindphlux
Jan 8, 2004

by R. Guyovich
make XO sauce

I do this every year with the leftovers of the xmas ham I cure and smoke. I've scaled it so I end up with just enough trimmings to make a batch of XO that lasts me more or less a year.

Ben Nevis
Jan 20, 2011
It is too late to suggest ham steak with Jezebel Sauce?

CleverHans
Apr 25, 2011
Probation
Can't post for 9 years!

theres a will theres moe posted:

woah black betty
banana ham

:golfclap:

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO
Feb 28, 1985


Did OP died? :magical:

theres a will theres moe
Jan 10, 2007


Hair Elf
Yo where the ham at

CommonShore
Jun 6, 2014

A true renaissance man


I impulse purchased an 18 lb pork loin for similar reasons. Suggestions? Or should I just cut it into chops. Fucker is frozen right now and I have to keep it wedged diagonally in my tiny freezer..

Ultimate Mango
Jan 18, 2005

CommonShore posted:

I impulse purchased an 18 lb pork loin for similar reasons. Suggestions? Or should I just cut it into chops. Fucker is frozen right now and I have to keep it wedged diagonally in my tiny freezer..

One word: Butabushi

mindphlux
Jan 8, 2004

by R. Guyovich

Ultimate Mango posted:

One word: Butabushi

0_0

thank you for bringing this to my attention

CARL MARK FORCE IV
Sep 2, 2007

I took a walk. And threw up in an English garden.
David Chang is so fuckin' rad.

Farg
Nov 19, 2013
just make a big rear end ham sandwich

theres a will theres moe
Jan 10, 2007


Hair Elf
Yeah, Mama Cass that poo poo bro

C-Euro
Mar 20, 2010

:science:
Soiled Meat
Rum Ham two ways- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2ezpExQ_k0

Buffis
Apr 29, 2006

I paid for this
Fallen Rib
The 70's variation of ham and banana that we had in Sweden didn't have hollandaise.

Instead we used tomatoes.

Not sure if better.

bawk
Mar 31, 2013


don't skip this, this is gold in every way

BastardAus
Jun 3, 2003
Chunder from Down Under

thecluckmeme posted:

don't skip this, this is gold in every way

poo poo that was funny, thanks for seconding

22 Eargesplitten
Oct 10, 2010



Buffis posted:

The 70's variation of ham and banana that we had in Sweden didn't have hollandaise.

Instead we used tomatoes.

Not sure if better.



That looks like a nice red sauce over sausag- :gonk:

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Argyle
Jun 7, 2001

thecluckmeme posted:

don't skip this, this is gold in every way

Andrew is the poo poo.

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