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Starshark
Here's the thread to vent about the bane of our existence - the customer! They're all morons!

Our vending machine at work only takes change, five dollar notes and ten dollar notes. A guy came in with a fifty and asked if I had change.
"No."
"Oh, okay."
loving morons! Why do they think we have change for the machine?

Another one comes in, wanted to borrow my pen so she could sign her assignment. GRR! BRING YOUR OWN PEN!

We used to give out free coffee cups, but we stopped doing that a week ago. Sure enough, in waltzes Mr Moron:

"Do you still have coffee cups?"
"No."
"Oh, okay then."

loving MORONS! :argh: :argh: :argh:

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FactsAreUseless

You might think the customer is right, but they're not! In fact, they're wrong!

Typical customer (hambeast): I want a million dollars for free and I looooove being a Christian.

Me (got kicked out of class a lot for being too smart so I got bored): Actually, the Bible has a lot of inconsistencies, and we sell consumer electronics.

Typical customer (smelly): I want an Android phone then.

Me: *murders her with a katana, but not really, it's in my mind*

loving MORONS!

Fuck My Ass
the customer freaking smells somebody get that dude out of here.




Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

Slush Garbo

FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK
Customer: [questioning tone] dog food?

Me: [eyebrow cocked] nah, girl I'm on that mac and cheese diet

Customer: [blank stare]

Me: [both eyebrows cocked] oh I thought you wondered how I manage to cut such an impressive silhouette

Customer: [stammering]

Me: [both eyebrows cocked, winking knowingly] You meant to ask, "where is the dog food?", I apologize. I misunderstood.

Customer: [shrinking away, muttering gibberish]

Me: [winking real hard with both eyes real fast] The dog food is on aisle 12, ma'am

loving MORONS.

Starshark
:v: Hi, the vending machine won't take my change.
:nono: It's out of order.
:v: Oh. Why isn't there a sign on it?
:nono: Hello? If you take a flashlight and look down the slot, you can see the coins jammed in there? FUCKWIT!

FactsAreUseless

Customer: You get my order wrong. It's not correct.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me fix that.

Customer: Also, I'm Bill Cosby, the controversial man.

Me: Oy vey.

Senior Management



Customer: I want to test drive the cool car

Me: Ok your finances are in order and you look like a serious buyer let's get in the car.

Customer: Drunkly crashes through the wall of a McDonalds and tries to order an Oreo McFlurry.

M&M McFlurries are superior! You are wrong about fast food desert. loving MORONS.

:jerry:

cda

by Hand Knit

FactsAreUseless posted:

Customer: You get my order wrong. It's not correct.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me fix that.

Customer: Also, I'm Bill Cosby, the controversial man.

Me: Oy vey.

google THIS

Me: This won't scan.

Idiot customer: Oh. The shelf tag said it was $2.99. I even compared the UPC from the item to the tag, just to make sure it was the correct one.

Oh wow you think you're SO funny telling that tired old joke? loving MORONS!

Macnult

cashier: Sorry sir but the ice cream machine is broken.

me: *using Jedi mind tricks* the ice cream machine IS broken

cashier: actually sir the ice cream machine works fine

me: great! could I please get a double scoop ch-

cashier: the ice cream machine is broken, sir

FactsAreUseless

Customer: My laptop is broken because of viruses.

Me: Is it because of porn?

Customer: No.

Me: C-cool, I, uh, I have sex as well.

Robot Made of Meat

Customer: I am right.

Me: See? You're even wrong about that.


Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

Matoi Ryuko


the customer is always trying to rip you off

Fuck My Ass

FactsAreUseless posted:

Customer: My laptop is broken because of viruses.

Me: Is it because of porn?

Customer: No.

Me: C-cool, I, uh, I have sex as well.




Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

Fuck My Ass
I use to work for the cable company and let me tell u that made some funny rear end stories

Customer: none of my poo poo works ur company sucks

I call dispatch

dispatch: None of her stuff is working because she is scheduled for a non pay disconnect tomorrow.

me on the phone in front of customer: oh non sense I'll do it right now.

I climbed up the utility pole and disconnected her while she stood at the foot of my ladder yelling at me that she hoped I'd fall and die.

I smiled and drove off. fun times.




Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

google THIS

Cashier: Listen carefully. You may ask one question and one question only. One of us cashiers always tells the truth and one of us always lies.

Customer: So...you must be the one that always tells the truth.

Cashier: Um...gently caress. Could you just...turn around for a second?

Piso Mojado

FactsAreUseless posted:

Customer: My laptop is broken because of viruses.

Me: Is it because of porn?

Customer: No.

Me: C-cool, I, uh, I have sex as well.

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.


I get paid to be awesome

Slush Garbo

FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

I get paid to be awesome

Me: u still have to pay for your latte sir

Ultra Spoot

Customer: Excuse me, which aisle are the cheez- its down?

Me: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *this goes on for 5 minutes straight*

Customer: what was that?

Me: aisle 6.

Customer: oh yes, thank you.

Grandmother of Five


I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.
Actually, not all customers are bad. Speaking as a customer, it is my experience that you can easily place 10 or more items in the Quick Checkout lane. If the items are small enough, i suspect you could place hundreds of items, even. Clean-up in the echo-chamber aisle, please.


Rushi

by Smythe
*reads email*

*forwards it to lowtax's lawyer*

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Starshark
"Hi, I'd like to renew this book but the system won't let me-"
"I bet you don't even know who said 'Art is anything you can get away with,' do you?"
"Uhh... Andy Warhol?"
"YOU SEE - THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS WRONG!"

Elusif

FactsAreUseless posted:

Customer: You get my order wrong. It's not correct.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me fix that.

Customer: Also, I'm Bill Cosby, the controversial man.

Me: Oy vey.

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
Customer: I'd like to return this please.

Me (working joystick delicately): Be with you in a second...

Customer: Ok, but this will only take a second!

Me (finalizing joystick positioning): Alright, if you could just stay still for one more second *grabs customer from above with giant crane machine claw and lifts them up and then over a trash chute*

Customer: What the hell! *drops into chute*

Me: Next customer!

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

Putty

HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS
Me: Ha! The customer is always WRONG!!!

Manager: Did you say something?

Me: The customer is always right, Sir.

Munchables

Ask/tell me about legal cannibalism

The customer: I have to go to baggage claim
Me: no, you have to go back where you came

joke_explainer


This customer came up to me and ordered a coffee. Immediately, I was filled with indignation. Why was I getting his coffee? Out of peer pressure, I went and poured it. But I got back to this guy and -- get this -- he pulls out a five dollar bill, handing it toward me.

Naturally I laid into him. "What the gently caress are you doing? Don't you realize by exchanging money for goods and services, you're supporting capitalism, a system through which the endgame will be the total control of the bulk of humanity by an unstoppable caste of elite controlling all wealth? Do you really want that blood on your hands?"

He just stood there staring like a big dumb idiot. I threw his coffee on the ground and stormed into the back.

Macnult

joke_explainer posted:

This customer came up to me and ordered a coffee. Immediately, I was filled with indignation. Why was I getting his coffee? Out of peer pressure, I went and poured it. But I got back to this guy and -- get this -- he pulls out a five dollar bill, handing it toward me.

Naturally I laid into him. "What the gently caress are you doing? Don't you realize by exchanging money for goods and services, you're supporting capitalism, a system through which the endgame will be the total control of the bulk of humanity by an unstoppable caste of elite controlling all wealth? Do you really want that blood on your hands?"

He just stood there staring like a big dumb idiot. I threw his coffee on the ground and stormed into the back.

little munchkin
cool lifehack: saying "this statement is false" causes supermarket cashiers to malfunction and then you can walk out without paying for your groceries

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Fuck My Ass

little munchkin posted:

cool lifehack: saying "this statement is false" causes supermarket cashiers to malfunction and then you can walk out without paying for your groceries




Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

BIRDCON 2017

customer: *coughs*

me: *chasing after customer* hey! HEY! just wait until i post about that you bastard! you bastard! *falling to my knees and crying* you motherfucker...

Ultra Spoot

Munchables posted:

The customer: I have to go to baggage claim
Me: no, you have to go back where you came

Customer: How dare you take that tone, for shame
Me: no, i am not the one to blame

joke_explainer


cantina customers are always wrong, too, apparently

Manifisto


customer: duh durrrr I will have chocolate ice cream

me: sorry sir this is a mcdonalds drive thru

customer: bluh bloo I thought this was a ben&jerrys

me, rolling eyes: you goddamn people are so literal, it sickens me

customer (pooping pants): so uh could I get that ice cream then

me, savoring my power over this fool: you may have cherry garcia in recognition of someone far better than you will ever be

HotSoapyBeard

I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
Customer: "Can I get a cappuccino?"
Me: "Don't you mean "may I have?" also how do you expect me to make espresso and steam milk with NO RUNNING WATER!!!!"
*Under breath* "Punk rear end "can I get" fuckin dickhead for gently caress's sake what the gently caress, godddddd"

HotSoapyBeard fucked around with this message at 13:35 on Apr 5, 2017

Ahundredbux

The right to bear arms
Customer: I'm gonna buy this apple
Me: OK
Customer: then I'm going straight to the doctors office
Me: :what:

LawfulWaffle

Well, that aligns with the vibes I was getting. Which was, like, "normal" kinda vibes.
Customer: Do you need my social?
Me: No, you idiot. I don't need your social. If I needed your social I would ask for it. Jesus.
Customer: Sorry.
Me: Yeah, I bet. Sorry for asking another stupid question and making me waste my time and breath answering you. Just, maybe, I don't know, think before you speak next time.
Customer: Okay, sorry.
Me: Whatever. What's your case number?
Customer: I don't know it.
Me: You don't have your case number?
Customer: No
Me: You're a real piece of work, you know that. You must have some giant balls to call us without your case number memorized or right in front of your dumb dumb face. Your time's so much more valuable than mine that you can be bothered to do even a baseline of work before engaging in this agonizing interaction. Is that it? You're just better than me?
Customer: No, I-
Me: Save it. I don't need you to lie to me.
Customer: ...
Me: *sigh* What's your social?

Elusif

Customer: I, I think I've fallen madly in love with you.

Me: Ma'am, we are not paid to love...

Customer: I was talking to the man on the Brawny paper towels.

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Ride The Gravitron

by FactsAreUseless

Robot Made of Meat posted:

Customer: I am right.

Me: See? You're even wrong about that.

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