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Why are you opening your story with a detailed description of the exact level of coldness, complete with various weak synonyms for cold? I don't see that it adds anything. I know it’s a short work, but you’re launching into the viewpoint character suddenly feeling lonely for the first time, without having established him at all as a character. It might work better to build some sense of him as content being alone before having him experience this discontent. “Maybe it was the streetlight that enveloped her like the rays of God” do streetlights really envelop and does God give off rays? “The lights of the bus, coming to take her away, were glaring like the rubies of Hades” are there rubies in Hades? Genuine question. Overall, this is quite sweet, and evokes a mood well, but there isn't a lot to it. Guy we know nothing about see's a girl, has a very brief conversation with a friend who might as well be himself, and then talks to the girl. I think you need to pick an element of this to develop, whether that's the relationship with Dan, the experiences that took the protagonist to this point, or the girl's perspective.
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Apr 25, 2017 22:33
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| # ¿ Apr 27, 2024 20:56 |
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