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You stumble down a dark hallway, your hand against the wall to guide you through the darkness. Who are you? How did you get here? You remember a blast of fire, needles, the mutant screeching of the ligers, the bleep bloop of advanced computers... but nothing else. *click* The blinding light of an activated digicigar burns your retinas. Cocoa-Pebble scented vapor fill your nostrils. A mohawked man in a trenchcoat stands before you. He takes another puff, then casually inserts a replacement battery into his smokestick. You continue to study his features... are those... elf ears? Ctrl+left click for soundtrack  Hyper-greetings, frandos and chummergirls. The year is 2025. Cars can fly. Computers are small enough to fit in a fanny pack. Everyone and everything is connected through Stuffnet: The Object Oriented Internet. And Nu-Earth's current population is 40 billion. Most live in the slums, far below the ground at the base of the gleaming towers where the elite reside in their Corp enclaves. Governing the citizens of Nu-Earth is Robama the Immortal, King Executive Officer of GovCorp and Grand Imam of the the universal Hyper-Liberalist religion. All are equal under the rule of Robama, from gays to dragons to transgendered cybertrolls. Robama enforces his iron will through the deadly Marines of the USPS, a wholly owned subsidiary of GovCorp.... but some say that a new power, known only as the Sovereigns, is growing in the shadows. The Sovereigns seek to dethrone the king and revert to the ancient ways of governance laid down by the Founders. It's a dangerous time to be alive, rich or poor, powerful or weak. In dangerous times security sells, and both GovCorp and those who can afford it buy their security from the world's two most powerful Corps: The Technocrats: Cybernetically enhanced warriors who dominate the battlefield, be it digital or physical. More machine than man, these techsperts rely on automation, algorithms, or the cold steel of a hovertank to establish security and exert control over the citizenry and media. Ruled by a shadowy figure known only as "The Don." Rumors are spreading that The Don has nearly completed uploading his mind to Stuffnet, becoming a binary being of pure 1's and 0's and the first entity to cross the digital/physical line. If the rumors are true then he'll also be looking for an apprentice to replace him... The Republicants: Sometimes called "the meat masters." Their physically enhanced warriors eschew modern tech, preferring to be weapons rather than use them. Exploding clones, multi-mouthed media masters, and golden-haired strongmen are just a few examples of what the Republicants can field. Who needs a car when you have wings? Led by Bernice Anders and her Amazons, a group of warriors who are all (currently) female. Experts speculate that they could finally crack the mystery of the human genome in the next decade, giving them the upper hand over the Technocrats. But for those who don't have enough Nubucks, for those who need secrecy, for those too far out on the fringe there are... The Alsorunners: Blackmarket mercenaries with no affiliation, only looking out for themselves. Welcome, frando. Choose a Class: Darknet Enlightened: More at home on the net than in the meatspace, these tech wizards wield a keyboard instead of a katana. Masters of data manipulation and remote control of objects through Stuffnet. You must always wear your Datapack (a fannypack with your computer in it) and choose an object as your tech-fetish, which allows you to connect to Stuffnet. Example: A bisexual female Troll whose tech-fetish is a Self-Aware Roomba could have the SAR navigate its way through a Corp's duct system, all the way to the core, where she could then interface directly with their databanks. Example: A Sapiosexual Elf could serve toast from his Hyper-Toaster to an unknowing target, allowing the elf to mindjack the target through Stuffnet until the toast passes through their system. Street Justice Warrior: Just like it sounds. You're the brawn, not the brains. Choose a weapon specialty. Everything from feudal era to sci-fi, or a combination thereof, is available. You must pick one Battle Flaw that is both a strength and a weakness. Example: A Pansexual Half-Ogre who wields a vibro-katana that can cut through steel may go into a Berserker Rage, causing extra damage. But this battle rage may cause them to rush headfirst into impossible odds. Example: A Heteroflexible Pixie is too small for hand-to-hand combat, but their expertise in crafting poisons and explosives can even the odds. Their Alchemical Expertise helps them create various concoctions from junk, even the drugs that fuel their various addictions. Acedemonics: A graduate of the Ivory Tower mage college. You rely on your Nerdbrick, a sort of analogue text file, to cast spells from your Major. Your Minor can influence and strengthen your Major if both are related or allow you some expertise in a different field. Example: A Pyromancy major with a minor in Gender Studies could throw a fireball that incinerates only cismen or only 4th Wave Feminists (feminists who think 3rd wave feminism failed to uplift female identified Artificial Intelligences). Example: An English Lit major with a minor in Cryomancy could summon a 10 foot tall ice golem of James Joyce to review their paper or do battle. All races, humanoid species, genders, and sexual identities are available, be they fantastical or sci-fi. Having a backstory is not required but is definitely a plus.
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Apr 9, 2017 09:28
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| # ? May 6, 2024 23:56 |
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This looks rad as hell. Okay, here we go.  I choose Presidential Candidate, Street Thug, the most alpha of alpha-cucks, the heterosexual male Jeb Bush, A Street Justice Warrior wielding The Sword Of Chiang, the heirloom of the Bush family, crafted by the legendary Chinese conservative mystic & nationalist leader, Chiang Kai Shek. Though the beneficiary of an influential political family, John Ellis Bush tends to prefer caution over aggression, believing that slow and steady will eventually win the race.
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Apr 9, 2017 13:23
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Okay Im going with ... NATANIEL PLATA an Acedemonics whose major is in Probability Theory and minor in Latin American History. His skill in statistics and probability theory enable him to predict the seemingly impossible, but he was cursed by a swamp witch to have all of his most important prognostications fall on deaf ears. His parents fled the ruins of Mexico City after the cartels took over the government. Nataniel Plata was raised as an anchor baby and received a free college education in the United States, displacing 2 normal Americans from the college system who had higher SAT scores. He became interested in the magical field of probability theory after losing his government backed student loans to a Prognostitician's apprentice in a game of fantasy soccer. He struggles to find a way to remove the swamp witches curse. He abuses tequila and uppers, using the drugs to mask the pain of knowing the future. 
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Apr 9, 2017 14:21
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I am The Nothingmatters Kid, a Darknet Enlightened. After hanging for 40 days and nights from a bough of the world-tree Yggdraggsgggrggdril I have given up both of my eyes and my left hand to become one with the universe and also cyberspace I guess. I see with my awesome They Live sunglasses which are really bulky cybereyes. My tech-fetish is a Nintendo Power Glove which has been reshaped into a thinking emoji hand. My real name is Myron Stinkweed and I never tell anyone that. I have mastered the sixty nine methods of neutralizing corporate ICE. I'm a teen with attitude.
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Apr 9, 2017 14:30
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I am Spice Zhor, an Academonic with a Major in Food Science and a Minor in Pyromancy. I am able to temporarily create, command, and even become fire after consuming chewable material components of my own design. I have also developed experimental cryomancy, fructomancy, and necromancy chewable components, but the fire magic has already corrupted me to the point that I am no longer able to speak even a single word of truth. I am terrified of what I may become if I consume the Doublemint or Juicy Fruit, so I save them for only the direst of emergencies and rely upon the known evil of the Big Red for my day to day work. I am certain that the Black Jack will consume whoever attempts to consume it, yet I am unable to destroy the dark energy I have created. I carry this cursed gum to protect the world from whoever might try to chew its unnatural power. 
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Apr 9, 2017 15:57
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Watching from the sides is Systèmes-LaPointe ROBOUTEFLIKA combat cyborg. This body-double-cum-bodyguard for the anciên régime in Algeria was thrown to the Casbah when Bouteflika himself popped his clogs in the late 2010s - he died an ancient and unpopular figure, and the temptation to replace him with the android was passed over by the rest of the political elite, who turned away from Technocracy with the death of "Old B". A bomb attack on a café full of EuroFrench tourists blew away some of ROBOUTEFLIKA's human trappings, and his multispectral targetting system, atmospheric regulator, and dirty-fighting Chompware is well and truly out in the open. With his appearance changing from merely harrowing to horrific, he's taken to the shadows to eke out a living. ROBOUTEFLIKA is, in theory, a strong Street Justice Warrior with either submachine guns or martial arts. In truth, his pre-Stuffnet Slottable Combat Routines can leave him either bringing his fists to a gunfight, or needing to slam a dongle into his forehead at the worst possible moment. 
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Apr 9, 2017 17:45
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Dick Cheney has been called from his grave by a powerful necromantic spell, but by who, and for what purpose? He has no memory of his past life - only an unslakable thirst for blood and oil. Literally, as when he goes too long without them, he can feel what is left of his mind beginning to slip. Dick Cheney is a Street Justice Warrior wielding a Double-Barreled Shotgun. His lust for violence and his constant need for blood and oil make him extremely impulsive and untrustworthy around strangers. He lives by the doctrine of Shoot First, Ask Questions Never - while this often allows Cheney to get the drop on his enemies and react quickly to danger, it also makes him a poor choice for any task that requires diplomacy or subtlety. 
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Apr 9, 2017 20:35
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You meet at the library. A decadent, gilded building that is open 24/7 and has a full, free buffet that swathes of homeless people gorge at all day and night. Thanks, Robama. The satanic lesbian witch coven leaves the conference room they rented from 2 AM to 3 AM. You have the room from 3 to 4 AM. You gather there because you responded to a hyper-Craigslist post for a new mercenary gang. You have two options: Kick your way out the door and start wrecking poo poo immediately or bar hop until you find a mister johnson to give you a mission. You should totally argue with eachother before making your decision.
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Apr 9, 2017 21:18
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i have two ways i can go with this and the mister johnson bar hopping thing is fun but also i wouldnt mind writing a story about hilariously over-armed and competent ex-navy seal librarians kicking your poo poo in and doing wicked ninja stuff
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Apr 9, 2017 21:32
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As NATANIEL PLATA I cast a probability spell "SURVEY SAYS" to find which bar has the highest probability of having a rich mister johnson in it to give us a job.
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Apr 9, 2017 21:59
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Spice Zhor finds it interesting that he isn't thirsty in the least and would much prefer to kick some doors down and have a giant orgy of fireballs and gunfire on the first page of your loving story.
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Apr 9, 2017 22:25
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ROBOUTEFLIKA sticks his most happening StreetSavant app into his head and starts to jive. "Dofrans, we can screw with these troughing chumps any time. We came here to find work. So let's find work."
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Apr 9, 2017 23:09
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Dick Cheney loads a pair of shells into the well-greased chambers of his shotgun.
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Apr 9, 2017 23:22
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Jeb Bush: "We are all badasses here, especially me, and what's more bad of rear end than following the law to the letter, using manners and saying No to drugs? Let's go bar hopping until we find a rich benefactor."
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Apr 9, 2017 23:28
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I am prince Dredd Kushner, the one destined to rule over all mankind. Through a dark ritual conducted at my New York skyscraper, I have become the mythical Sunn en-Lau, and gained the abilities of all classes at once. Unfortunately, I am untrained in the use of these incredible powers and indeed, don't even know what a class is. Even worse, the ritual has placed a curse on me and now a doppelganger stalks me, feeding on my masculinity. If this sinister copy drains me fully, I may transform into a Kuk'servative, or even worse, a Democrat. I now seek a way to destroy the demon minister of the north and undo the curse.
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Apr 10, 2017 00:49
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TWIST FIST posted:I am prince Dredd Kushner, the one destined to rule over all mankind. Through a dark ritual conducted at my New York skyscraper, I have become the mythical Sunn en-Lau, and gained the abilities of all classes at once. Unfortunately, I am untrained in the use of these incredible powers and indeed, don't even know what a class is. Even worse, the ritual has placed a curse on me and now a doppelganger stalks me, feeding on my masculinity. If this sinister copy drains me fully, I may transform into a Kuk'servative, or even worse, a Democrat. I now seek a way to destroy the demon minister of the north and undo the curse. How do you vote on our next destination Dredd Kuckner?
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Apr 10, 2017 00:57
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Prince Kushner is about to vote to kick in the door, but the doppelganger drains a large amount of masculinity at that moment and he votes to go bar hopping instead.
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Apr 10, 2017 01:05
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Also don't call me Kuckner 
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Apr 10, 2017 01:05
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The Nothingmatters Kid smirks in a too-cool-for-school kinda way and then presses 'select' on his PowerGlove TM to bring up the menu screen. The next listed objective is 'say you want to find a Mr Johnson and then click submit reply', so he says "Say, I think we should find a Mr Johnson. Submit. Reply."
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Apr 10, 2017 01:35
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TWIST FIST posted:Also don't call me Kuckner My polling imps suggest a strong likelihood of it happening in the future but I'll try to do my best.
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Apr 10, 2017 01:49
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 A odd community of subterranean ducks,
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Apr 10, 2017 09:04
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Underneath the ruined city lies a secret. A secret everyone knows. It’s the sort of secret that is hard to ignore. It’s a secret that goes out of its way to be known. And yet, no one readily admits they know it. Walking through the ruined city a traveler might come across an odd smell wafting from a nearby open manhole. A chemical smell, disinfectant. Definitely unusual. Crawling through pipes, you come across a series of interconnected chambers, all populated by dozens of ducks. Dozens and dozens of drunk ducks…. distilling drinks!? In the central chamber a large fire fed by a conga line of hungry looking ducks passing tires, wood, anything that burns into it. This fire heats a series of large stills. Tubular copper condensers criss-cross the entire settlement, dripping hot filthy water on one and all. The air is thick with smoke, the ducks roast meat on the sides of the stills, slapping pieces of raw meat of questionable origin to cook on the metal stills. You’ve stumbled upon the Moonshine Ducks! The sound of shouting comes from one of the chambers. The dining hall! Sixty ducks decked out in armor and a few weapons here and there shout at each other. First among equals, the Idiot King, lies in a stupor at the head of the table. He rouses, “ORDeR!” he bellows. “the people’s republic of socialist anarcho-capitalist ducks will come to order!”  Finally, the ducks settle down with a few last quacks and honks. “I’m hungry. Lets go find The ducks grin at each other with their tooth like serrations. A few accompany the Idiot King Peckerwood with some barter goods, mostly bottles of duckliquor. Duckliquor, duckbrew, satan’s tears, devil’s water; the ducks’ issue is known to many by many different names.  
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Apr 10, 2017 09:06
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Apr 10, 2017 09:08
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a triple post because you are three character sheets to the wind
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Apr 10, 2017 09:29
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You move from bar to bar, but seeing as this is your first mission you're not very adept and the formalities of approaching a Mr. Bigly. You're laughed out of several bars, and eventually you get lucky. While inquiring for work the dwarf bouncer looks you up and down; whatever he's looking for you seem to have it. He tells you to wait and disappears for a moment. "Mr. Bigly will see you now. Don't forget, I'm watching you." At the back of the bar in a shadowy booth you see your Mr. Bigly, the guy who doles out the jobs. You can tell by his looks he's ex-Technocrat. His shiny dome looks like it's filled with some hyped out tech, his face is all metal-skeletal so much of him has been replaced. And that's high end poo poo, expensive enough that some idiot might be tempted to take it from him. This Mr. Bigly must be one tough sonofabitch if he can "keep his head about him," so to speak. Several bodyguards in expensive suits watch from the corners. The regular patrons drink quietly. A transgendered Dolly Parton clone presenting as Kid Rock is setting up the stage for tonight's show. You've heard good things about his act. You each take a seat at the curved side of Mr. Bigly's semi-circle table. Mr. Bigly's mouth is moving, but no words are coming out. You figure they're being telecommunicated throuh Stuffnet to someone only Mr. Bigly can see. At first you assume Mr. Bigly is gesturing angrily with his cybernetic arms, but as you watch you realize he is interfacing with virtual consoles that only he can see. They seem to be working independently. Mr. Bigly nods for a few seconds before turning to face you. "Thank you for coming," he says, his neck swiveling to each of you in turn as his cyber-fedora tips itself in greeting, "Please have a drink. This is not a friendly suggestion." Each of you take a drink from the beer that the bodyguards have just placed before you. His arms continue at whatever it is they're working on. He continues, "Good. The programming you've just ingested was required for the job. Mr. ☂☃ ☄ ★ ☆ ☇ ☈ can not have his secret revealed to the world." You look at each other in surprise while Mr. Bigly chuckles to himself. "My - our - client, has paid a premium for discretion. This is why I'm going with a bunch of untested amateurs like you; you have no connections to myself or the client. It's a simple mission. You see, our client, Mr. ☂☃ ☄ ★ ☆ ☇ ☈ is a high ranking member of the Hyper-Liberal church. As such, he is quite the traditionalist and can not have his family causing public embarrassment for him. So here is the problem: his trans-daughter is set on marrying a man. This is an unforgiveable sin, and a threat to his future career in the church. You must find a way to put an end to this oppressive heterosexual union. However, my - our - client has promised a premium if you can find a way to do so that makes his daughter happy. Now go, shoo. The bartender will give you a to-go cup for your beer. It's safe, run Hyper-Spyware S&D on yourself when you get home if you don't trust me." As you walk away the dwarf approaches Mr. Bigly. You hear him whisper something about doing a good job motivating you by conveying a sense of shared responsibility. cumshitter has issued a correction as of 18:21 on Apr 10, 2017 |
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Apr 10, 2017 18:16
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Never mind the nanostuff programming in the beer, does it taste any good? If it does, Spice Zhor says "This is awful. I'd rather drink Dolly Rock's piss than have another" while miming a refill with his empty glass toward the bodyguard who served it. If it doesn't, he stands and privately says "Jeb, word around the press pool is that you're straight as hell. Think you could seduce Mr. ☂☃ ☄ ★ ☆ ☇ ☈'s future son-in-law away from his daughter?" to the Alsorunners.
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Apr 10, 2017 18:59
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When the group leaves Mr. Bigly, NATANIEL PLATA says to everyone, "Well that was kinda weird but I'm definitely sticking around for the trans Dolly Parton clone's Kid Rock show. Kid Rock is my favorite American classic rock musician. His song, "gently caress Mexico Nuke Mexico gently caress Mexico" is one of my all time favs."
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Apr 10, 2017 19:10
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I'm probably going to be running a group of fellow ant walking alligators, all clicking and stomping so they can feel the vibrations and follow me to freak out normies.
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Apr 10, 2017 19:51
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Well zhor, I've had a lot of sex, with my wife, before she took me to the 'divorce courts', and got the traditional settlement of literally everything I own. So I can tell you, I know women, all kinds of women. This should be an easy job.
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Apr 10, 2017 22:52
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Dredd Kushner: "This should be easy, dealing with daughters of famous people is my- wait, how are we supposed to know who his daughter is?"
cuntman.net has issued a correction as of 23:07 on Apr 10, 2017 |
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Apr 10, 2017 23:04
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I also wouldn't mind seeing the clone turned impersonator perform. If only because he might remind me of...the, uh, before times...
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Apr 10, 2017 23:07
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As much as he'd like to get messy, Dick Cheney must admit that Jeb's raw animal magnetism makes him a natural fit for a mission this delicate. Still, he's sticking around for the show with NATANIEL PLATA, just in case a good fight breaks out. There's a guy standing near the stage with calves like cantaloupes, and he could use a snack.
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Apr 10, 2017 23:10
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ROBOUTEFLIKA slams his best Planware in. "Can any of you chummers Infiltrate the Hyper-Liberal Church and hack their canon repositories to make this marriage acceptable?"
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Apr 10, 2017 23:23
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Hacking the canon seems unlikely tbf, but changing the records of her partner to be not-male would be a little more feasible. But let's take that as a plan B.
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Apr 10, 2017 23:30
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"Or we could cut out the middleman and convince the guy himself to become non-male. We could skip the convincing part if that doesn't work. Let's make one of those the plan A, actually. I'd like to get that premium."
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Apr 10, 2017 23:43
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TWIST FIST posted:"Or we could cut out the middleman and convince the guy himself to become non-male. We could skip the convincing part if that doesn't work. NATANIEL PLATA: I think we need to surveil this "guy" to determine what our options are. I'm not opposed to a quick abduction and trip to the Planed Parenthood Abortionplex to get a quick sex-change / gender reassignment / additional genitalia operation. If we do that we could have the guy missing for less than 12 hours, and could blame it on a bachelor party gone wrong. Since bachelor parties have been banned for being hetero-normative you all know the bad rap they get. But that will have to wait for tomorrow because I am about to order a poo poo ton of synthetic tequila. Cheney, you want any?
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Apr 11, 2017 00:19
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Dick Cheney: "Hell yeah. Next round's on me."
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Apr 11, 2017 00:36
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Spice Zhor puts a friendly arm around zombie Dick, smiles, and says "You're a real rear end in a top hat, and I've always hated you."
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Apr 11, 2017 00:39
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Sexual Lorax posted:Spice Zhor puts a friendly arm around zombie Dick, smiles, and says "You're a real rear end in a top hat, and I've always hated you." NATANIEL PLATA : I didnt know you two knew each other, how did you meet?
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Apr 11, 2017 01:19
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| # ? May 6, 2024 23:56 |
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Dick Cheney grins and, firing up his antique crude-oil vape, lets out a cloud of greasy black smoke. "That's what I like about you, Spice-man. Say...you got any more of that chewin' stuff laying around? If this show sucks, we could really get a party started."
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Apr 11, 2017 01:22
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