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lol Living in a world designed for people when superpowers were plentiful, more powerful, and you could use them all the time. Now you have to meditate in a cave full of glowing crystals for an hour just to open the old family cottage's gate because it was designed for people employing 5000 lb grip strength The trip to the nearest convenience store takes you a full hour, because speedsters back in grandpa's day could run the 50 km in under 0.4 seconds and would fly right past it if it were built any closer. You on the other hand can only manage 60 mph and need a short break along the way. |
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Mar 27, 2024 18:52
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| # ¿ May 11, 2024 18:14 |
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The Voice of Labor posted:the front door of doctor brain's brain mansion is locked. the locking mechanism is a key pad. four guards stand watch at the door. every day each guard is told one quarter of the code by professor brain's computer, the brainframe. only by psychically examining the mind of all four guards can the code that unlocks the door be obtained. professor brain is the only psychic on earth powerful enough to accomplish this. |
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Mar 28, 2024 01:14
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Communication problems faced by ghosts: People can hear ghosts but ghosts can't hear people, so the ghosts presume people are being passive aggressive when they don't get a response Ghosts can hear people but people can't hear ghosts, so the ghosts interpret the random coughing and lip smacking people do as rudeness; when people mutter drivel or song lyrics to themselves the ghosts think they must be talking with someone with mental health problems Both can hear both but people initially presume the voices of ghosts are hallucinations and don't respond so ghosts start to think nobody can hear them pretty early on and stop trying Both can hear both but the voices of ghosts come out distorted and terrifying so humans just scream even when it's dad telling his son he's proud of him and trying to give him the winning lottery numbers Neither can hear the other and so most ghosts grasp the situation right away but the real chatterbox ghosts just presume everyone is ignoring them just like in real life |
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Mar 28, 2024 12:52
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Karate Bastard posted:Dr Brain: ...you live like this? |
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Mar 28, 2024 21:51
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Dr Brain finds that her new power isn't all she expected it to be: She read the mind of an investment broker at Starbucks but his tip made her lose money. Warren Buffet could probably help but she doesn't know where he is. The Presidential motorcade went by and she caught Biden pondering over bombing Iran that night. But none of the newspapers took her seriously and the bombing didn't happen either way. Boss at the dick sucking factory thinks that she is too slow. But when she sped up just a little everyone starting thinking she's a show-off. Even the boss. Her crush thinks 'If only she didn't wear any makeup I would so ask her out' but then when she saw him next wearing a cute dress and no makeup he just thought 'If only she wore heels I would totally ask her out'. So she wears heels and he thinks 'If only she shared my taste in music'. So she puts on Arctic Monkeys at the next party. He still left with that new girl someone brought along. |
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Mar 28, 2024 22:04
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Villain calls pig detective to let 'em know that he'll only be caught 'when pigs fly', so pig detective hops on a biplane to look for & catch the villain from the air, in a call-back to Shakespeare |
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Mar 29, 2024 09:41
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A man called Horsethief McGraw That's not a nickname that's what's on his birth certificate and he's grown up to be a super law-abiding person for the most obvious reasons |
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Mar 29, 2024 11:16
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Then there's the gym where everyone uses hyperbole to describe their numbers 'Look upon my gains and weep. If I didn't weigh down my chinups I would be hurled all the way to the moon.' "Well my squat could lift Mt. Everest off the ground upon which it sits. But my grip would crunble the rock to dust." '...okay I'm a liar I'd fly up past the atmosophere and go into orbit but no further.' Somehow everyone understands that this is 100 lbs, 450 lbs, 122 lbs, and 75 lbs respectively. |
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Mar 30, 2024 13:50
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Advertisements for things that people already have or already want at least in principle. Like hot water in your sink. Or the concept of being nice. Or trying to convince the grumpy loner to meet new people: This spring and summer 2024, look into A Friend. Did you know that studies show having at least one friend increases self-reported wellbeing by at least 35%? It can have a real influence in many areas of your life. Watching a movie with a friend is like watching a movie alone but there's another person there to tell you what you missed if you fell asleep. Going to the coffeeshop with a friend is like going to the coffeeshop alone but there's someone to spot you if you forget your wallet. A friend can even drive you to the airport, saving you tens of dollars! You don't even have to leave the house to acquire A Friend. Several interest-based or even just general community forums can lead to friendship. (Warning: Making your friend through the internet may make getting a ride to the airport difficult if you never meet in person, and may result in death if you do.) |
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Mar 31, 2024 13:02
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A campaign for a new restaurant. The cover photo is of a woman in her 20s wearing a white apron and hat, in that chef's pose with knife and spatula akimbo The tag under the name just reads 'It ain't all that good, and it isn't very cheap, but my boyfriend likes it' |
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Mar 31, 2024 17:41
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Conan the Barbarian Librarian C: People of the small size, use hunting voices. I will not ask again. Teenagers: Or what, nerd Schwarzenegger? C: ... *cut to Conan the Librarian looking annoyed as he goes home trailing a rope of human heads behind him* |
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Apr 1, 2024 10:40
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Extant members of the band Queen are arrested after it comes to light that Bohemian Rhapsody was a confession |
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Apr 1, 2024 11:33
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Man lies on his resume to get a job hosting a German call-in advice show when he only took one year of German back in high school 20 years ago All the can do now is reply to questions he barely gets the jist of with 'Yes! Yes! Yes!' 'Noooo' 'You are in the right.' 'You are wrong. Very wrong.' 'I think you know the answer' and 'We have no time to reply TIME FOR COMMERCIALS' while being thankful nobody can see him sweating profusely |
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Apr 2, 2024 10:45
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Contest where people compete for a prize of $1 million by seeing how long they can keep up a preposterous lie You have everything from a woman cramming German and falsifying birth records to convince her own husband she's actually German To people getting PhDs and working out like mad to join NASA mission to the ISS so their lie of being an astronaut isn't exposed |
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Apr 2, 2024 10:50
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Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders from Mars getting into a huge beef with Jethro Moonrock & The Ants of Venus Things come to a head in a bloody brawl that leave no one unscathed. Just nasty. Hair little less, pieces of antenae, and hair dye all over the place |
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Apr 3, 2024 12:07
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Offering to make up after an argument with implausible suggestions 'Hey babe no babe don't cry tell you what let's order in Senegalese tonight and curl up by the fire as the snow falls' *there's no Senegalese restaurant for 100 km* *there's no fireplace* *it's August and 90 degrees outside* |
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Apr 4, 2024 12:05
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Sugar Lipps is the name of a man who eats lemons all day every day and even his husband won't kiss him because they're so astringent and bitter |
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Apr 7, 2024 10:01
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calhoun posted:*meeting my neighbor as i'm throwing trash* *meeting my neighbour as I'm throwing out trash* Me: *sighning* People aren't throwing up as much as they used to. Neighbour: what the gently caress is wrong with you? |
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Apr 7, 2024 11:33
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You know that Lorde track where the refrain is being tired of being told to throw her hands up in the air at concerts? Now I'm imaging her doing a whole song about air sirens at raves. |
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Apr 7, 2024 22:10
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'Cocaine is lame, kids' I say while *taking a big ol' line*. 'Do I look cool right now? Do I look cool to you?' *takes bump off a key* 'You see these movies, celebrities partying with hookers, popping champagne, dancing at exclusive clubs.' *snort* 'All I'm going to do after I leave is find embarassingly bad songs okay, not even amazing like with E, just okay. And I'm going to try to jerk it but fail. Most the time, that's what the celebrities are doing too.'
Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 20:24 on Apr 8, 2024 |
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Apr 8, 2024 19:47
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Finger Prince posted:Do you think production companies are cool? Does repackaging consumer debt debt into higher rated securities sound exciting? You see this suit? Ten thousand dollars. You know what's rad? Skateboarding. You know what isn't? A ten thousand dollar suit. Don't do drugs. |
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Apr 8, 2024 20:21
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Big celebrations for little things Like you grab a carton of blueberries from the supermarket and they're one of those transcendentally delicious batch of blueberries. So you call everyone up and the whole neighbourhood celebrates your good fortune. There's some eating the blueberries with sweets of course, but also other food & drink and lawn darts and music Not really a joke so much as something I wish were real life e: Someone's kid passes a driving test or someone gets a raise at work? Automatic all-day barbeque that weekend with everyone from 10 blocks in any direction Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 00:46 on Apr 9, 2024 |
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Apr 9, 2024 00:42
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Drink-Mix Man posted:A shot in a movie where a cool guy wears shades at the beach. It's a closeup of him and we see the reflection of palm trees and beach babes filling his glasses. He takes them off, only to reveal they were prescription eyeglasses. It wasn't a reflection. The palm trees and beach babes were on the other side of his head and we were looking through two gigantic holes in his head. lol Also funny if it's one of those commercials for beer with no talking but the sounds of the beach in the background. Finger Prince posted:I like my women like I like my coffee: always getting my name wrong. I really dislike this man's standup but love his improv work. (It's usually the other way around for me.) Every time it feels like he either clearly listened to the prompt but seriously misunderstood it, or else that he doesn't care because he has something else funny to say entirely unrelated to the promote. Prurient Squid posted:Adolf Hitler is cloned. The clone is put on trial but the case against him is dismissed because technically he hasn't commited any crimes. Somehow possesing the memories of the original he tries to rally the disaffected masses only to be outmanuevered by more skilled demagogues. If he doesn't have the original's memories and it turns out he's just been a young child raised in Argentina to this point the first thing that would happen is he'd immediately be given a full-ride scholarship to go to the art school of his choosing on his 18th birthday, courtesy of the UN. Doesn't matter if he's incredibly confused and so far has only dabbled in making sketches. Everyone takes it in shifts to praise his paintings his parents post online and telling young Adolf his work stinks is considered a capital punishment war crime. Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 09:35 on Apr 10, 2024 |
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Apr 10, 2024 09:29
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The reason pigs sometimes oink loudly for seemingly no reason is that they're embarassed to be naked but realize they can't make clothes and it's really stressing them out |
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Apr 10, 2024 13:05
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Man wants to be the big man in town but jumps the shark and starts breaking small laws then arguing 'do you know who I am?' with police even though the answer is actually no. But then in the spirit of faking it till you're making it people mistake the confidence for real power and soon you have folks being like 'So you want to expand to Florenville, eh? You better ask Big Jake. He's the man 'round these parts. Oh yeah, owns both parts of the duplex up younder, lives in one rents out the other as an AirBNB; his repair shop employs more than three people, and he has a stake in Bob's coffee roaster. Yup. Pretty much owns this town. Nothing happens without his say-so.' Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 11:59 on Apr 11, 2024 |
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Apr 11, 2024 11:56
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Joe the Kid: Well look who it is. I'm surprised I'd see you here... 'Fast Draw' Wilkins: Yeah... this town ain't big enough for the both of us... *montage of them digging new foundations for houses, laying asphalt and paving roads, and putting up street lighting in all directions, together, just so they can comfortably stay away from each other* |
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Apr 11, 2024 12:35
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If the movie promised and delivered a 30-second teaser for the new Avengers movie at a randomized part of its 2 hour runtime, people would still flock to buy tickets |
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Apr 13, 2024 14:48
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Police are chasing some guy who had ran past you a moment ago *painting at a solid brick wall, up in the sky, or down a sewer drain* 'He went thatta way!' |
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Apr 18, 2024 09:18
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You go into a roadside stop where the lady and guy at the counter serve you somewhat reluctantly and when you turn to open what you think must be the bathroom only to have them SCREAM at you not to go in there and for the sake of everyone NOT to open that door You oblige but the rest of your time on this Earth you can't get out of your head what must have been behind that door. Was it the murdered body of the actual owner they had just robbed? Was it a sleeping bear that was awaiting animal control? Was it in fact the bathroom but the last person to use it had made a *real* mess? Or were the two employee is just about done their long shift and really didn't want to clean again after you? |
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Apr 18, 2024 17:22
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Buttchocks posted:instead of Telemann's Tafelmusik, it's TINSTAAFLmusik |
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Apr 18, 2024 22:48
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The guy singing the 'Everybody was kung-fu fighting...' song but he's all choked up about it and breaks down in tears near the end |
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Apr 21, 2024 13:37
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Stand-up comic who *only* talks about how stiff their wallet is. Not as a metaphor for being broke, but that the black leather bifold they got at the department store is stiff. At one show an audience member asks if they can see it for themselves. The comic pauses and answers 'no' they left it at home. They know they can't deliver the goods. Little do the audience suspect but that's not just the only thing the comic talks about when performing but in day-to-day life as well. To their wife, their friends, waitstaff at restaurants, to themselves in the mirror |
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Apr 29, 2024 08:42
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A student enrolled in one of those Be an Alpha courses that have replaced PUA classes works themselves up for the final exam: He purchases her KFC combo at the mall food court, and, not caring if anyone can see, saunters over to the Burger King soda fountain and pours himself a cup from their fountain |
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Apr 29, 2024 14:44
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Years later the student will look back and say they owe it all to that move. It's how they met their husband. How they got rid of their social anxiety and became a public speaker. How they learned that not all Pepsi from all soda fountain tastes the same. |
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Apr 29, 2024 14:47
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(Years back there was a story being shared about two rich 12 year old who used their credit cards linked to mom & dad's to order escorts to come play Super Smash Bros. or whatever. It wasnt an Onion piece but had the angle of 'stupid Gen Z puriteens' and 'video games are melting kids' brain you have 13 year olds alone, without parents, with an expensive escort and all they can thing about is vidya'. I don't think it was true because for one who would anyone ever find out and for two do escorts take credit cards? Then again it could be true because that does sound like the kind of trolling a kid that age with too much money might find the most amusing thing on the planet.) |
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Apr 29, 2024 17:22
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Miss Misty Legs Sexual and Bookkeeping Service, THE RULES: No. 1: No kissing! (Unless you pay for the girlfriend experience.) No. 2: You must let us know well ahead of time if an appointment will be for sex or for tax returns. You cannot mix the two on a given night. The rates for both are the same but the preparation is slightly different. No. 3: Time spend reading up on the latest tax code counts towards your appointment time. This applies both to sexual and tax appointments. No. 4: You don't get naked until we ask you to do so. It's a safety thing as much as common courtesy. Again, both sexual and tax appointments. No. 5: We do take credit cards. But you better not be another 12 year old boy. Super Smash Bros. is lame and we're all Elder Scrolls girls over here. |
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Apr 29, 2024 18:01
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Finger Prince posted:Ask about our threesome package offered by our popular escorts Roth and Ira. lol Actually I just realized that apparently sex workers have been putting 'accountant', 'bookkeeper', and 'tax advisor' on forms for a long time to avoid scrutiny. And if you want people to know what you actually do while evading filters on social media, 'sexy accounting' is the code for sex work of all forms. So once again, for the thousandth time, the escorts have beat us to the punch. |
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Apr 29, 2024 20:00
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Man goes on a first date with a woman and she asks him what is something that he enjoys that isn't so popular and other people might not. He responds: 'Dick. Good Ol' Dick. When he teases me. When he lines it up. Then When he slams it home.'.' He nearly streams it out of excitement. His date just gets up and leave the restaurant after a moment of silence. Patrons at the next table overhear and let the manager know. The manager comes and tells the man who leave. Walking home, he's really confused by why so many people are offended hearing about the Dick Van Dyke show. |
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Apr 30, 2024 12:04
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Passive-agressive instructions on the boxes for microwave meals. 'Don't like the price? Well these pizza pockets are GMO-free and organic. If you guys didn't insist on that they'd cost half the price. I mean, do you even know what GMO is?' 'Make absolutely sure that all the last bits of wrapper are off or it's a choking hazard. You might not care about your life too much but it's taxpayers who'll foot the bill for your emergency endoscopy.' 'Heat for 4 minutes. But I know you. I know that you're going to get inpatient and take this mini lasagne out after 2. Then you're going to complain the cheese doesn't melt properly and write a negative review. But you'll still buy these again, read these instructions again, and take the lasagne out way too early again. Because that's the kind of person you are.' Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 12:16 on Apr 30, 2024 |
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Apr 30, 2024 12:14
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| # ¿ May 11, 2024 18:14 |
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Attempting to murder someone but in the most obvious ways possible: 'Hey honey how about we take a refreshing dip in that volcano? It'll be so fun. The volcano is inactive so that means the magma isn't too hot. You go first.' Putting rat poison in your roommate's cooking pasta but leaving the half-empty empty box right on the counter. 'Could you please stand right there, next to the bullseye 100 ft from here? Oh this? This is just a Civil War rifle, sighted to 100 ft. But don't worry about that now just head on over.' Writing a forged confession letter to a capital crime in a country with the death penalty, in an enemy's name but in your handwriting and on your own monograpghed stationary, then slipping it under the door or the police station. Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 18:51 on Apr 30, 2024 |
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Apr 30, 2024 16:28
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