M_Gargantua posted:

as I come home from my working man labors to rest my working man feet among my study rustic hardword furniture, I see that my scandalous competitors have advertised their unpreparedness for the gravitas of the position.

one whose ticket is red and has been obviously bought and paid for by Big Rye. does depravity know no bounds? im not one to kink shame but no need to flaunt it in public.

another fringe crackpot whose strange free market viewpoints claim that lower prices are the goal! what nonsense, if price was all that matters United could ship us like cattle and hangover healthcare would be motrin and water!

no, what this position calls for is a dutiful, respected, well qualified candidate.

i come with years of experience, and a fully stocked under cabinet of deputies for the minutiae:



special interest lobbiests pursue my favor diligently and can be swayed for the proper motivation.



a panel of experts stands ready as a renowned think tank of mixology



ALL foreign involvement is properly documented, my ties to russia are purely professional and have no conflicts of interests!



your CHOICE is clear citizen!