|
Applesnots posted:I met a girl on tinder and on the second date she gave me a sob story about her ex-husband left her. Turns out she drowned their infant child in the bathtub because jesus told her to do so. I am not kidding in the least. Jesus Christ, that's not a story you tell until the 5th or 6th date!
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 05:38
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 03:00 |
|
|
clam the gently caress down posted:'autistic' doesn't really tell us much at all. She laughed every time somebody swore in Adaptation or showed their boobs. She actually groaned out loud and talked about how gross it was when there was a 2 second piece of stock footage of a woman giving birth, instead of reflecting on the majesty, beauty, and horror of what it means to be alive. Like you're supposed to do when you see 2 seconds of a baby being born in a rapid-fire montage that's clearly a meditation on what it means to be a person. She also sounded like Temple Grandin when she talked, and wrote fan fiction for entertainment franchises I've never heard of, seen, or remember in the slightest. Buffy, maybe? Never saw it myself. This was when I was something like 18 and she was 17 or 18, long-rear end time ago. She also was markedly less intelligent than me, and strangely manipulative according to both my mom and hers (who was a very honest and nice person), like I would loving notice as an autistic kid who had not yet dropped acid or X. Ok, here's another one I got set up with. Also autistic, looked like a roller-derby champ if you know what I mean. Found her utterly boring and physically very unattractive. Found her mom to be extraordinarily fascinating though, she apparently hasn't slept in years*, says she doesn't require it. Felt no need to. Talked a mile a second, but was sincere, warm, and most importantly intelligent, I honestly wanted to sleep with her way more than her daughter. Felt disappointed when she finally left us alone at her house. The second we were by ourselves she says to me "I'm a lesbian", and I said something to the effect of "Yeah no goddamn poo poo", but nicer. Watched Reservoir Dogs I think. Maybe Pulp Fiction. It's been an even longer time than since I've seen the first gal. OK, thats probably enough to doxx me with. *at least thats what she said to me. Nigmaetcetera fucked around with this message at 05:51 on Apr 24, 2017 |
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 05:47
|
|
|
Oh also they both drowned babies. I win.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 05:48
|
|
|
Went to a bible college in Texas. Broke up with my then-fiancé and decided to attempt dating in this tiny, super-Christian college town. Went on a date with a guy named Aaron. Sweet, quiet, country as gently caress, big ol truck, in half my classes, loved him some Jesus. He took me to the local coffeeshop one Thursday night, where everybody we knew was already hanging out anyway. After about thirty minutes of small talk, he said we should get moving, so we headed out and got in his truck. Getting in a guy's truck at night was considered vaguely immoral and indicative of sluttiness unless you immediately went straight back to your dorm and obviously weren't in the truck for more than thirty seconds parked. So I was quite surprised when Aaron just sat there chatting, not starting the truck, going on about church and guitars and whatnot. Like, dude, the timer on my social status as a virgin is running down, either put out or start the truck. The moment dragged. I considered rolling down the window and casually draping an arm out so all our mutual friends, who were literally watching this go down, could tell I wasn't having weird public sex in the coffeeshop parking lot. On the other hand, I had just got out of a very Christian engagement with lots of guilt and abstinence and purity and poo poo, and I really REALLY wanted to at least make out with somebody, but Aaron just kept chattering. Finally, almost hesitantly, he leaned over and stretched out his arm... and opened the glove box. From which he took his checkbook. "Always gotta balance the checkbook," he said cheerfully, "if you put it off you'll forget and go over your budget." So Aaron balanced his checkbook for another twenty minutes, and I rolled the window down and casually dangled my elbow out to signal my continuing status as a socially acceptable virgin, and finally he started the truck and took me home to my dorm, where my roommates tried to convince me that he was really super into me, if he'd let me sit in his truck that long without taking me home. Today he and I are Facebook friends, and he and his husband have two adorable kids and an even bigger truck that they drive around the countryside, presumably with elegantly balanced checkbooks and no idea that I once spent two weeks explaining to every girl I knew that no, I had not given Aaron a blowjob in the coffeeshop parking lot.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 05:55
|
|
|
lorn Wayne posted:i once went to a chick's house. we got drunk a did a bit of coke, and then i got a cut on my finger somehow.. lol good job you loving idiot, coke and drugs on a first date with someone you don't know well? She's probably a world of trouble and you'll be in jail soon for some poo poo you never see coming. Idiot.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 06:59
|
|
|
Grem posted:lol good job you loving idiot, coke and drugs on a first date with someone you don't know well? She's probably a world of trouble and you'll be in jail soon for some poo poo you never see coming. Idiot. i'm posting this from jail and my finger got infected and also i'm dead.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:02
|
|
|
I think my worst date was a first date I went on with this girl who brought her mother. We were at a nice restaurant that I had made reservations for, so I kept my cool and introduced myself. We sat down and ordered dinner. Things wouldn't have been terribly bad, except her mother kept asking me lots of questions throughout the dinner, such as whether I had a job, what I was majoring in, what my plans were after college, things like that. She commented several times that I must be working out. I felt like I was being measured, weighed, etc. in a very methodical fashion and the goal was for her to see if I was marriage material for her daughter. Anyway, it still makes me laugh thinking about it. Click Like if it made you laugh too!
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:17
|
|
|
My worst date ended with a bit of poop on my dick because I hosed this blonde broad from lake Oswego in the butt.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:24
|
|
|
Snatch Duster posted:My worst date ended with a bit of poop on my dick because I hosed this blonde broad from lake Oswego in the butt. This thread is about bad dates, buddy.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:34
|
|
|
I must have told this befor, but a friend of mine was on a date with a gal and the whole thing was going quite well and they get to talking about their careers. The woman is and emt and so my friend starts asking her about it. After a little while she gets really serious looking and leans in towards my friend and says in a low whisper, "Do you want to know why I became an emt?" "Sure," says my friend. "I want to watch people die"
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:40
|
|
|
Nigmaetcetera posted:This thread is about bad dates, buddy. It was bad. I don't like poop on my dick.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:42
|
|
|
Barudak posted:I must have told this befor, but a friend of mine was on a date with a gal and the whole thing was going quite well and they get to talking about their careers. The woman is and emt and so my friend starts asking her about it. After a little while she gets really serious looking and leans in towards my friend and says in a low whisper, "Do you want to know why I became an emt?" "Sure," says my friend. I would marry that woman.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:43
|
|
|
I took this chick from dpchristianblackmeet.com to Olive Garden and she just kept eating salad and breadsticks. They just kept bringing them out and assured me they were free. She just kept chomping it down. Bowl after bowl of salad, whole breadsticks at a time. I was like "yo bitch you ain't even saving any room for an entree" but she just kept eating. And our attentive waiter was just swapping out salad bowls. Like I couldn't even keep my composure. Visibly sweating, wringing my napkin. Finally the entrees came and she was like "you know what? I'm totally full". Needless to say I dumped her right there. I was like, I'm gonna eat my entree and it's gonna be awkward but that salad poo poo was out of loving control. She watched me eat for a few minutes, just staring, and got up and left. I choked down a few bites in a hurry and caught up with her in the parking lot. She revealed that she was actually a moose and skampered off into the night. Fuckin idiot looked nothing like her profile picture. 
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:51
|
|
|
ClamdestineBoyster posted:She revealed that she was actually a moose sorry man, i think everyone here can heavily relate to this story.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 07:57
|
|
|
lorn Wayne posted:sorry man, i think everyone here can heavily relate to this story. Yeah at least I didn't get poop on my dick I guess. 
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 08:18
|
|
|
lmao, did not see that coming. It's probably a tie between this story and baby drowning chick.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 08:44
|
|
|
I went on a date once, and it ended when she showed me her breasts and told me they are only for feeding children and anything else was disgusting. So why show me BEEP BOOP I felt how I imagine autism must feel all the time.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 09:03
|
|
|
PureEvil6_13 posted:She immediately takes off and starts floating around the party hugging and chatting it up with everyone. The only thing there to drink was this weird green punch poo poo with a dash of vodka in it. I get a cup and mill about for a while before I end up sitting down and watching people. The girl says nothing to me the entire time. Eventually some dude comes up to me and gives me some flowers because he thought I was cute and also felt terrible for me. When we leave, she brings along some other dude and we walk back toward where my place was, when we got to the alleyway where you'd turn down to go to my studio apartment was, she just kept walking with the other guy, didn't say a word to me. Thank you for including one story where you got owned even if it's not a totally humbling experience because she admittedly was a lovely idiot so it's not like you were grieving the loss of the angry vegetarian, still if you set the tone with three stories about getting laid super ez with slick Fonzi moves it would have been a poo poo thread so good move I gotta admit all my good stories are ancient now. As great as Tinder is at simplifying things and enabling us all to be lazy cowards, there just aren't going to be many good date stories anymore when people can message someone every week day asking "So you're fine with me being "poly" right?" "How do you feel about tofu?" We've all got a thousand outs to cancel before we learn the things that would normally just suddenly explode into reality on a first date. The most recent one I can think of was driving 40 minutes to a solid hiking spot with a nice girl and like half way there she asks me if I'm a Christian and if I think I'm ready to have kids. I used to just wait for someone to mention their religion or any kind of belief and find a lovely segue to check how much they care about an old book they've never read, but I've gotten lazy and this has happened a few times. It always throws me off because sometimes it'll be a girl who already talked about sucking dicks and she'll save it for like a good hour before she randomly mentions how the gays shouldn't get married or how her grandma is in heaven now. I should probably move to a bigger town but city slickers are turds and cities are poo poo. Really I don't know why I posted my life is becoming that of an old boring man, I screen Tinder the way some guy at CNN has to interview the callers to make sure they won't yell out BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY oval office gently caress PISS, and it really sucks the risk and fun right out of it
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 09:16
|
|
|
Went on a date with a Polish chick in Maspeth, Queens once, an area that is like really Polish. She was like, really Polish; she barely spoke English. She took me to a Polish restaurant that was so Polish it didn't even have English on the menu. Also, her and her family lived in a lovely little apartment directly above the restaurant, so guess where we went after lunch. Met her straight-off-the-boat mom and dad, neither of whom spoke English. It was weird. Out of the loving blue, my date asks me if I know how to drive a car. Her family just bought their first car and no one knows how to drive it or has a license. The car is sitting outside, it has no plates and I'm sure wasn't registered, but this is Queens and I know no one's pulling me over for poo poo so I agree. Spend the next three terrifying hours teaching a 65 year old man who doesn't speak my language to drive a car up and down Flushing Ave. They were very grateful and sent me home with a container of unidentifiable food which I threw away in the metro. I never heard from any of them ever again.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 09:34
|
|
|
You missed out. The food was probably loving delicious. But you dodged a bullet really. Polish chicks all seem to be insane. Or maybe that's just my family members and their friends.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 09:52
|
|
|
Cless Alvein posted:You missed out. The food was probably loving delicious. Catholics man.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 10:21
|
|
|
Most of mine were with the same girl in highschool, a shy hardcore southern baptist girl. She refused to call them dates because she didn't "believe" in dating, only "courting", but whatever. The first of the worst couple of them was when we went to the homecoming dance together our junior year. We get there and I ask her to dance and she says "I don't dance, I told you that a million times", but I thought she was being only semi-serious. She wasn't, though, and we spent the entire time sitting on the gym floor while she kept giving dirty looks to the guy who took her sister and muttering to me about how much of a slut the sister is. It ended with an awkward half second side-hug after I dropped her off at home. One of the shortest was when I came over to her house and we were going to watch a movie in the afternoon and then go to dinner afterward. She picked Eurotrip. It was going fine until her mother walked in the living room during that club vandersexxx scene right before the dildo machine part. She called my parents and told them I was showing pornography to her daughter and I had to leave and wasn't allowed to be alone with her at their house after that and had to be supervised by her sister or the mom. It lasted a lot longer than it should have and I wasted far too much time hoping she'd eventually loosen up, but she didn't (until a couple years into college, anyway).
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 10:22
|
|
|
yeah I eat rear end posted:She picked Eurotrip. why you didn't run at this point is beyond me
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 10:28
|
|
|
went on a date with a girl from norway who seemed to have learned english from grime took me a long time to work out that she wasn't joking
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 10:31
|
|
|
Had a date with a cute Scottish girl that went really well over the course of multiple beers until she started ranting about the Jews. Not all Jews were bad, mind you, she was just concerned about (((international Jewry))). She told me she was only joking afterwards, but she seemed to know a bit too much about the subject to not be half-serious about it. Still considered texting her later on, though. Never had another date with her, but I saw her around on campus and at parties, and we had polite talk, but she was always totally drunk and making any plans other than "I'll see you around I guess" was impossible. Maybe it was for the best.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 11:20
|
|
|
I probably would have texted the anti-semite too, I'm that desperate. I was on a date with a Filipina once and I mentioned Duterte. She said she was approved of the bloodbath and that the drug dealers deserved it. I still went on two more dates with her.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 11:36
|
|
|
Nigmaetcetera posted:Went out with an autistic girl. Cute, half-Korean half-Irish, all-american. Freckles. I think the word "autistic" tells you all you really need to know about how it went.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 12:06
|
|
|
FinalGamer posted:Did you...like, report her to the police because holy gently caress She had just gotten out of a small stint in jail, not prison, jail. three years in the county jail and seven of probation.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 12:47
|
|
|
I went on a tinder date and the girl was buttfuck ugly and taller and heavier than me. We had expensive lovely beers and I acted like irl gbs. I tried to talk her into paying for sushi and she refused.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 12:48
|
|
|
There was this really cute and really Catholic girl who told me she was going to saudi arabia for a year, we were passing by a cathedral and I told her she must confess her sins before leaving for the distant and corrupted muslim lands. Never saw her again
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 12:59
|
|
|
FactsAreUseless posted:That's a given, but what was she like? A bit dumb and childish and some flavor of Protestant and probably asexual too. I seriously think she hadn't seen an R-rated movie before, at 18, not that I'd been watching em for more than 3 or 4 years. By the way the movie was just Adaptation, it ain't like I was trying to make her watch Last Tango In Paris or Nine And A Half Weeks or something else actually enjoyable by somebody who is not obsessed with Steven Universe. Are boobs and f-words really that funny? Do you really gotta laugh each and every time? Disclaimer: this was like 02, so Steven Universe wasn't on yet, I'm just giving an example of the sort of things she was into.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 13:41
|
|
|
Less than two full pages in and it already has profoundly uninteresting and genuinely horrifying anecdotes. Not bad.elise the great posted:Today he and I are Facebook friends, and he and his husband have two adorable kids and an even bigger truck that they drive around the countryside, presumably with elegantly balanced checkbooks My original awful date was the first one I went on. The first girl I ever fell for hard had agreed to go out with me, which in hindsight is pretty amazing. Anyway, she picked me up from my parents' house (I was 15, O.K.) and we went to see a movie. At some point during the movie after we had talked a little bit and she seemed to be having a good time, I said "and now I subtly put my arm around you!" and put my arm around her, and she laughed. And then... I pulled my arm back, since I did not want to risk "overdoing the joke" and upsetting her. Later when I was lamenting how she and I never dated, she mentioned that it had seemed that I did not really like her. Badass Just as tragic was a date with a different woman, actually my second and final date with someone who should have been a sure thing. I already knew of a couple of her exes who looked a fair amount like me, I knew I was generally her type. The first date was fantastic, and went until the early morning hours, and she quickly agreed to go out with me again. We agreed to meet at a famous local(ish) diner I had never been to before, about 45 minutes away. This took place just long enough ago that I did not yet have a phone or a GPS. I left with some time to spare, but after about 15 miles it occurred to me I had gone north instead of west out of my town (I was really bad with Interstates at the time). I definitely did not leave "starting with a 30-mile-detour" early. Eventually I pulled up to the diner, about an hour late, and sat down with her. She was remarkably polite all things considered. But then I was making gestures to indicate how ridiculous my adventure getting there was, and I bumped the waitress arriving with my drink and spilled it all over my date. I had come far enough since the first story in this post to know right then and there that that whatever this was going to be was no longer going to be it. I was correct. Oh wait I have to tell this one too: I have only ever dated one Goon, and she was (still is) gorgeous and fun and awesome. And the backstory to this one was that we had already hooked up a few times, so obviously she liked me. But she also was "not looking for a relationship, just some fun." I, being a
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:04
|
|
|
I took out two different girls that could not have a conscious thought or opinion. I suggested something, it sounded good. I offered options, it was whatever I wanted. I said my opinion on something, they agreed. I even had one go where I mentioned something about cats, and they were like "Oh yea I don't really like cats, etc" and my reply was that I kinda liked cats. Then she goes "Well you know cats aren't all bad, I really don't mind them sometimes"
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:36
|
|
|
Deltasquid posted:Had a date with a cute Scottish girl that went really well over the course of multiple beers until she started ranting about the Jews. Not all Jews were bad, mind you, she was just concerned about (((international Jewry))). She told me she was only joking afterwards, but she seemed to know a bit too much about the subject to not be half-serious about it.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:52
|
|
|
Internet dating is a minefield. I get a message from this chick and we start chatting a bit. All of her pictures are from pretty far away, but she's still pretty slim and seems OK looking, so I agree to meet her. Things she said in her profile: She is a Marine Biologist She isn't into random hook-ups. She is into fitness. None of that ended up being true. We agreed to meet at a Korean restaurant. As I'm walking up to the front door to meet her, the first thing I notice other than the fact that she is totally not into fitness is that her teeth are orange. Not yellow, but orange. It looks like she was getting ready in front of the mirror that morning and right after she slipped on her Birkenstocks thinking they were ideal for a first date, she grabbed a handful of Orange Tang and smeared it on her teeth. I decide to tough it out anyway to be polite. The Korean place we want to go to is really busy, so we pick a smaller and less busy place across the street. She asks me if I've ever had "Beef Bagobi". I ask her if she's sure that's the name of it, because I've never heard of it. She mocks me for being uncultured and not knowing what "Beef Bagobi" is. I'm pretty sure she means Bulgogi, but I let it slide. We get seated and we are the only white people in this entire place. Every other table is a occupied my quiet, mousy Asian families and couples staring down at their tables and each other. Nobody even looks at us. As we're given menus she grabs one, points to a big section on it that says "Beef Bulgogi" and says, "See? Beef Bagobi!" I am now officially annoyed. I have a familial hand tremor. I have it, my dad has it, and my sister has it. We have shaky hands. We are given stainless steel chopsticks and an appetizer/salad platter that seems to mainly consist of things the consistency of jello or softer. I'm having difficulty with it but trying to be good-natured and humorous. This causes her to laugh. Oh, sweet mother of God what a mistake it was to make her laugh. It's the loudest, most annoying HEE-HAW sound you can imagine. Just the utterly shrill, mind-shattering bray of an angry donkey. I can't believe she's being serious at first. It has to be a joke. I say something else funny and she does it again. I look around the restaurant and every Asian person in there has frozen mid-action and they are currently staring at us, some with chopsticks halted directly in front of open mouths. None of them can believe it either. All conversation has ceased and the only noises being made in the place are the braying of my date and the soft Asian elevator music. She is as oblivious to this fact as I am horrified. I quickly decide to stop telling jokes and make the subject about her instead. We order our "Bagobi" and she starts to talk about herself. It turns out she isn't actually a Marine Biologist, she's in her fist semester of school for it and lives with her parents. She has also been on over 100 internet dates. To anyone doing internet dating, they know that's a lot of soul-crushing and awkward experiences. She also admits that she slept with about half of them. Dinner hasn't even arrived yet. So much for accurate profiles! The rest of dinner goes fine and I eat quickly hoping to get the gently caress out of there. We finish eating, and in the same shopping center is a bar with billiards. She asks me if I want to play a couple games of pool. I certainly need a drink, so I agree. How bad can it be? We go into the bar and she tells me what kind of drink she wants and goes to get us a pool table. It's some kind of vodka drink. I order a beer. The bartender is a nice-enough hipster dude that chats with me while he's making the drinks. I mention to him that I'm on an internet date. He winks at me and makes her drink pretty stiff, thinking he's doing me a favor. I sigh internally and tip him out before going to the pool table. I tell her that it looks like they make the drinks pretty strong here and she says that's fine she likes them that way. After her second one is when the show begins. She goes from being stand-offish and conversational to super handsy. She's trying to grab my dick and I'm doing my best to take shots that involve me being on the opposite side of the table to avoid it. It's like some sort of sick game of tag where if you get caught you have to gently caress a donkey with orange teeth. Now she's trying to act sultry and droop her cleavage over whatever hole I'm shooting at and talking dirty. God drat you, hipster bartender. I told her I was ready to leave and she thought that meant going to her (parent's) place until we got to the car and she found out different. I ran while I still had some of my dignity.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:52
|
|
|
one time this weird rear end chick asked me to go camping with her. i already had a bit of a relationship with her where she would just give me random poo poo she picked up from garage sales or donation bins. idk some of it was alright but most of it was just borderline garbage and in a few cases, viscera. anyways the day went mostly fine since we had to set up the camp site and we were mostly occupied with our own tasks. later in the night we were sitting around the fire, just making small talk, and that was alright enough. rain started to fall and we retired to our tent. i guess at some point she had slipped something in her drink without me noticing, but as soon as i was settled in and drifting off to sleep the chick just starts MASHING on my groin area. honestly, if i could feel anything down there i bet i wouldve been paralyzed from the pain of the impromptu CBT sesh. fight or flight response kicked in and i somehow got out of the tent along with my sleeping bag, but because of my dead gay legs i had to crawl 45ft to my truck, through a torrent of rain and runoff from the campsites in the area. i couldnt get up to open my door so i ended up sleeping under my truck in wet, muddy clothes in a slightly less dirty and wet sleeping bag, hoping the increasing flow of water would carry me to the sweet release of death. the next day we went home without saying much of anything, and over the next few weeks she still kept giving me random poo poo, but at more erratic intervals eventually she told me in a stream of consciousness rant that i dont appreciate what she does for me and that shes not going to talk to me again, so that solves that i guess
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:53
|
|
|
Perromancer posted:Went on a date with a Polish chick in Maspeth, Queens once, an area that is like really Polish. She was like, really Polish; she barely spoke English. She took me to a Polish restaurant that was so Polish it didn't even have English on the menu. Also, her and her family lived in a lovely little apartment directly above the restaurant, so guess where we went after lunch. Met her straight-off-the-boat mom and dad, neither of whom spoke English. It was weird. lorn Wayne posted:i'm posting this from jail and my finger got infected and also i'm dead.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:56
|
|
|
new phone who dis posted:Internet dating is a minefield. source please. if it's you (even if it's not), you're a baby
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:56
|
|
|
lorn Wayne posted:source please. I still have nightmares of orange teeth.
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 14:58
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 03:00 |
|
|
Do Cheetos dream of Orange teeth
|
|
#
?
Apr 24, 2017 15:19
|
|