Your Awful Dates

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Your Awful Dates

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

I once went on a date with a chick who laughed when I called a bunch of 9 year olds cocksuckers for shooting slingshots at a Street lamp.

I actually screamed "Knock it off you little COCKSUCKERS!!!"

And she laughed and laughed.

That woman decided to agree to marry me even though I was awful.

Thanks for reading my story!

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 16:19

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 3, 2024 04:02

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

MarquisDeSade posted:

On my second date with a girl we get into a car accident where her passenger side door is smashed while we made a left turn. She ended up having to stay in the hospital for a week and then in a rehab hospital for a month with a fractured hip and a broken arm. She had to practice and learn how to walk again.

She broke up with me six months later and then 2 years after the accident sued me for $3 million.

Did she win?

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 18:49

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

Kaewan posted:

I've been on a lot of weird dates; from a girl locking me in her house, to spooky witchy graveyard sex. My most awful first date would have to be about 4 years ago. This was back when I worked as a bartender at a fancy cocktail bar. The kind where every drink had 6 ingredients and every syrup or shrub was made in house.

There was this one gorgeous woman that would come sit at my bar whenever I worked, lets call her Mary. Mary would always smile when she saw me, laugh at all my jokes and be disappointed if I was away for any reason. One night Mary suggested we go for drinks. I joked about it being a date and she was delighted.

Back then I had a go-to date spot. It was an upscale restaurant where my good bud was head chef. Naturally we got quite the hookup, my scallops and her seafood risotto were both comped. All I had to pay for were the drinks. Afterwards Mary and I walked through a park holding hands, watched the sunset; it was quite magical. Later on when I drove Mary home she insisted I walked her inside. Mary showed me her liquor collection and I made us a few cocktails. We bonded over every little thing, from music to movies to booze. After some point we started making out and not before long Mary dragged me to her bedroom for some amazing sloppy sex.

Now at around 3 am I bolt straight up with my stomach rumbling dramatically. I don't make it out of bed before my bowels decide to violently purge. I rolled off still half drunk while I cupped my butt attempting to block the flow. It was like trying to stop a fire hose with a tennis racket. My foot still asleep and the room spinning I stumble towards the bathroom in the dark. Inadvertently I smeared poo poo all over the wall fumbling towards the door. I finally made it and I was in complete shock, my mind racing. I stood there staring at my reflection in the moonlight, ten minutes pass in total disbelief. It had to be a nightmare, I was expecting Mary at any moment to wake up screaming in horror. Nothing happened and I got an idea.

I rinsed off, gathered my belongings and snuck downstairs. I found a pen and paper and left a note. It read, "YOU poo poo YOURSELF, I LEFT."

Incredible

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 01:17

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

I remember one time I was on a date at a fondue place. It was going well until the end when the bus boy tried to remove the hot oil and it spilled all over the drat place. It narrowly avoided my crotch but did spill all over the vinyl seat and gently caress it up. I date was horrified... But they comped our dinner, so it all worked out.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2017 16:02

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

Putty posted:

Met a girl on Tinder and we had pretty good chemistry but when she showed up for a date she was just John Cena in a wig.

https://youtu.be/oHC1230OpOg

# ¿ May 3, 2017 05:30

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

I once went on my a date with my fiance to some chicken strips place that opened up, and they apparently gotten a hang of how to work the deep fry machines as the chicken strips, fries, and cheese sticks all came out blackened. When they brought the food to our table I asked if they could make them again as everything was toast. The waitress lady said that's just how the come out.. My fiance figured what the hell... Bit a cheese stick and was promptly burned by Molton oil that filled the charcoal cavity. We ended up getting a refund. They went out of business a few months later.

# ¿ May 18, 2017 17:51

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 3, 2024 04:02

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

Not a date, but I was hanging out with a friend, and a girl he was dating came by, just to chill as well. After about 15 minutes of chatting / talking about whatever dumb poo poo was on TV they start Wrestling. I don't mean playful goofing around stuff, I mean like taking each other down and doing arm holds.. like college or high school wrestling. I was just like "this is pretty weird.. do you do this often?" They both calmed down, but then a few minutes later they started slapping each other in the face full contact. At that point I had to bail.. it was just too strange and too violent to be sexual. They were slapping the poo poo out of each other. I just said "see ya!" and drove home. A few hours later we met up for dinner, and they were completely normal. Acted like nothing our of the ordinary happened.

# ¿ May 23, 2017 13:25

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Your Awful Dates