Your Awful Dates

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new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Internet dating is a minefield.

I get a message from this chick and we start chatting a bit. All of her pictures are from pretty far away, but she's still pretty slim and seems OK looking, so I agree to meet her.

Things she said in her profile:

She is a Marine Biologist

She isn't into random hook-ups.

She is into fitness.

None of that ended up being true. We agreed to meet at a Korean restaurant. As I'm walking up to the front door to meet her, the first thing I notice other than the fact that she is totally not into fitness is that her teeth are orange. Not yellow, but orange. It looks like she was getting ready in front of the mirror that morning and right after she slipped on her Birkenstocks thinking they were ideal for a first date, she grabbed a handful of Orange Tang and smeared it on her teeth. I decide to tough it out anyway to be polite.

The Korean place we want to go to is really busy, so we pick a smaller and less busy place across the street. She asks me if I've ever had "Beef Bagobi". I ask her if she's sure that's the name of it, because I've never heard of it. She mocks me for being uncultured and not knowing what "Beef Bagobi" is. I'm pretty sure she means Bulgogi, but I let it slide. We get seated and we are the only white people in this entire place. Every other table is a occupied my quiet, mousy Asian families and couples staring down at their tables and each other. Nobody even looks at us. As we're given menus she grabs one, points to a big section on it that says "Beef Bulgogi" and says, "See? Beef Bagobi!" I am now officially annoyed.

I have a familial hand tremor. I have it, my dad has it, and my sister has it. We have shaky hands. We are given stainless steel chopsticks and an appetizer/salad platter that seems to mainly consist of things the consistency of jello or softer. I'm having difficulty with it but trying to be good-natured and humorous. This causes her to laugh. Oh, sweet mother of God what a mistake it was to make her laugh. It's the loudest, most annoying HEE-HAW sound you can imagine. Just the utterly shrill, mind-shattering bray of an angry donkey. I can't believe she's being serious at first. It has to be a joke. I say something else funny and she does it again. I look around the restaurant and every Asian person in there has frozen mid-action and they are currently staring at us, some with chopsticks halted directly in front of open mouths. None of them can believe it either. All conversation has ceased and the only noises being made in the place are the braying of my date and the soft Asian elevator music. She is as oblivious to this fact as I am horrified.

I quickly decide to stop telling jokes and make the subject about her instead. We order our "Bagobi" and she starts to talk about herself. It turns out she isn't actually a Marine Biologist, she's in her fist semester of school for it and lives with her parents. She has also been on over 100 internet dates. To anyone doing internet dating, they know that's a lot of soul-crushing and awkward experiences. She also admits that she slept with about half of them. Dinner hasn't even arrived yet. So much for accurate profiles! The rest of dinner goes fine and I eat quickly hoping to get the gently caress out of there.

We finish eating, and in the same shopping center is a bar with billiards. She asks me if I want to play a couple games of pool. I certainly need a drink, so I agree. How bad can it be? We go into the bar and she tells me what kind of drink she wants and goes to get us a pool table. It's some kind of vodka drink. I order a beer. The bartender is a nice-enough hipster dude that chats with me while he's making the drinks. I mention to him that I'm on an internet date. He winks at me and makes her drink pretty stiff, thinking he's doing me a favor. I sigh internally and tip him out before going to the pool table. I tell her that it looks like they make the drinks pretty strong here and she says that's fine she likes them that way. After her second one is when the show begins.

She goes from being stand-offish and conversational to super handsy. She's trying to grab my dick and I'm doing my best to take shots that involve me being on the opposite side of the table to avoid it. It's like some sort of sick game of tag where if you get caught you have to gently caress a donkey with orange teeth. Now she's trying to act sultry and droop her cleavage over whatever hole I'm shooting at and talking dirty. God drat you, hipster bartender. I told her I was ready to leave and she thought that meant going to her (parent's) place until we got to the car and she found out different. I ran while I still had some of my dignity.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 14:52

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# ¿ May 3, 2024 02:22

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

lorn Wayne posted:

source please.

if it's you (even if it's not), you're a baby

I still have nightmares of orange teeth.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 14:58

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Pick posted:

I once met a guy from off OKC. He showed up late, was obviously sclubbier than his picture, and his hair had a greasy sheen. Anyway, we end up talking for about three hours, but after about 20 minutes it's just because I am fascinated by just how badly a date can go. He tells me about his many failures, how everything disappoints him, how he doesn't like his job and wants to quit and just read comics all day. He then moves on to all the things he is good at, and tells me his highschool teacher told him he was "good at commas". He doesn't drop any indications that he's actually accomplished in any way, there were no awards or anything of that sort. The conversation then moves to him telling me about all of his exes and wanting reassurance that I am not like them, with specifics. He awkwardly tries to figure out if I have any money. At the end, he tells me his idea for a novel, which is the exact premise of Early Edition but with google, and instead of CBS heartthrob Kyle Chandler using his knowledge of tomorrow's paper to save bingo ladies from anacondas, it is about an rear end in a top hat with eerie similarities to my date using this power to enrich himself and get a supermodel girlfriend... but is he fulfilled?! He hasn't come up with the second half of the book, and when asked what the theme is he says "superiority". I tell him I had a "nice time" and that I have to go. He says, "that's it?" and stands there fuming like the Arthur clenched fist meme as I go. I get into my car and burst into laughter, because in the span of three hours, he never asked my name.

Mods please change my name to "good at commas". Goddamn that is the most banal poo poo.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 16:27

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Every girl I've slept with the first night I've eventually cut contact with for reasons that have zero to do with them having sex the first night.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 16:34

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Pick posted:

I wasn't on a date with the guy as such, but he said to me that if men decided to enslave women again he'd "take me and keep me safe"

"I already have the shipping container prepared!"

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 16:44

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Let the man who isn't mentally cataloguing his list of post-apocalyptic gently caress-slaves throw the first stone.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 17:01

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Pick posted:

Joke's on him because that tubby idiot is top of my list to cut up for the larder under similar scenarios.

He needs a laminated card in his wallet like Ross from Friends of the women he's going to keep in his gross sex dungeon so he can impress them with it's permanence.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 17:06

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

PureEvil6_13 posted:

Oh jeez you reminded me of two more, one of which I proved I am pure evil.

Back in. . .probably 1996? I was in college, living alone. A year or more has passed since a girl I dated for 2 years and planned to marry and I broke up and I was still retarded for her to a large extent. I spent a lot of time on garbage chat rooms in the library trolling people. The main rooms I was in was called Alamak, if anyone knows it. At some point a girl thought I was pretty funny and her and I began speaking to each other exclusively. Talking in chat turned into writing letters by mail, and talking on the phone. I was living in the center of the US and she lived in Boston so phone calls were astronomical. Her and I bonded really quickly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
Eventually she surprised me by telling me she booked a flight to the closest airport to me one weekend. I picked her up and drove 2 hours back to where I lived. She was 10 years older than me but didn't look it at all. Never married, no kids, hot as balls. I was in a frat back then and thought it would be great to take her to one of our parties out in a field somewhere (classy!) We didn't stay there long, and I stopped to get some beers to just take back to my place. After that though, I get pulled over for running a red light. I'm clearly impressing the poo poo out of this girl.
We spend the next day kicking it, listening to music and walking around town. The day goes much better. . .until my ex calls me up.
I lived in a very small studio apartment and no phone conversation is private. My ex knew about this other girl and acted supportive of it, but she calls me up and talks about how she wants me back and loves me etc.
So being the complete failure of life that I am, I tell her that I love her too. The rest of the night is spent talking about that call and me trying to decide who I want to be with.
On the way back to the airport I act like I'm all for trying a long distance thing with this girl, but right before she gets on the plane I tell her I want to try again with my ex. She gets on the plane in tears.
My ex comes down the next weekend and explains that she didn't really want to get back together, but she didn't want me to be with anyone else either. Serves me right.

The second internet encounter was just a trainwreck. Ran across a couple of girls from the next state over in another chat room and they promised they were hot. There were two of them so I told a buddy of mine about it and we would have a 'double date'. We were sitting around my apartment with some beers when the girls knocked on the door. With our hopes high I said to come in. What came in were two planetoids. My friend and I each guzzled down the rest of our beer.
We decided to get out of the apartment as quickly as possible and go to a bar where we disappeared into the crowd of people and left the two out of towners to their own devices. After a short while we ducked out of the bar and went to another one down the street, not really realizing these clowns knew where my apartment was and they would be back at some point in the night.
After we get back from the bars the hogs were waiting for us. They didn't seem to mind being completely deserted and they came up into the apartment with us. I don't know what happened with the one my friend was with, but she was the better of the two. The one that latched on to me kept trying to take my pants off putting her boobs all over me. I pretended to pass out drunk and slept on the floor.
The next day my friend and I get ready to go disc golf and these girls go "Ok so what are we doing today?" I say, "WE (gesturing to my friend and myself) are going to play disc golf, I don't know what YOU are doing!
They finally got the hint and left and my friend and I agreed to never speak of it again.

I didn't even think to use chat room meetups because all of those were poo poo shows I wouldn't even call dates.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 19:37

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Xarthor posted:

Here's another quick one:

I sent out on a date with an Asian girl (I'm a white guy) and the date went really well. We ended up back at my place for a night cap and practically as soon as I opened my door she started going through every closet in my house. Like, flipping through my shirts and blazers and coats and stuff.

I didn't really mind because all she was going to find were the aforementioned coats and shirts but she was looking REALLY HARD.

"You looking for something?"
"You don't have any kimonos do you?"
"Kimonos?"
"Yes, kimonos. You're not hiding any kimonos are you?"
"What? No. Why would I be?"
"Ugh. I have dated so many white guys who want me to wear a kimono for them and be some sort of weird Asian stereotype"
"That's a thing?"
"You'd be surprised"

I told her I didn't own a kimono or any replica swords, and hadn't watched anime since the 7th grade. We had a hearty laugh together about weeaboos and then proceeded to make out for a few hours. Good times.

The next week she told me she was going back to her ex-boyfriend to try and make it work.

Dude must have had some rad kimonos.

I had a girl I was chatting to send me naked pics of her all day before we met for a date and then she showed up in sweats and said she just wasn't feeling it and left.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 17:03

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Dr. Quarex posted:

Oh good, I am not the only one who has experienced "here are sexy pictures and lots of texting about the awful things I want you to do to me!" *get together* "hey I'm really tired sorry. Gotta go." *disappears forever*

She knew what I looked like and I don't think it was me because she already had sweats on and was aloof from the beginning. Someone suggested that she found someone to do the deed before I showed up and that makes the most sense to me.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 21:29

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

20 minute soliloquy from a girl about how her family only lets her date other jews while I sat across the table being 6 foot 3 with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a German as gently caress last name.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2017 16:21

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Chomp8645 posted:

Eh, you'd be surprised. I had the exact same scenario but just with more elapsed time. Went on a date, nothing really happened for a while, then she contacts out of the blue a few months later. Even asked if I was seeing anyone. So yeah I immediately assumed that since our date she had bad luck in the dating scene and was slinking back for a remorseful hookup, which is something I would have shamefully indulged unlike this guy.

HOWEVER, further investigation revealed that she was not looking for sex, or even a date. She said she wanted to be friends (specifically, friends) because she "needed male perspective in her life". I was immediately reminded of a dude in one her profile pictures who she said was her (former?) "gay best friend". So I had to take it the facts of the situation.

1) Specifically stated "friends only".
2) Lives 30-45 minutes away in a lovely, hot town.
3) Few common interests.
4) The situation seems to suggest a psychological void that I'd be expected to fill (bad business).
5) The fact that I thought she was really hot would complicate point 1 significantly.
6) The spectre of the gay best friend.

I said "sure, we can be friends" and there has been zero communication in either direction since that (several weeks ago).

lol

I ended up friends with someone I internet dated and fooled around with a little. We talk about our other internet dates mostly on the phone sporadically. It's not that bad.

# ¿ Apr 27, 2017 17:16

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

I met a girl at college who blew me ten minutes after meeting me in some bushes by the track. I told her the next day I didn't think continuing it was a good idea. One of my high school acquaintances spent the next 2 years in her friend zone listening to every crazy and stupid problem she had while desperately in love with her until she moved away. Really, I feel like I was supposed to be the second guy in this story and someone at the home office of blowjobs hosed up the paperwork.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 15:48

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

A woman at the bar and her husband had a big argument where he was being a jerk and he left. She asked me to walk her home because he left and when we got outside and I asked her where she lives she was like "no, to your house". I obliged and we hooked up a couple times afterwards as well.

They got back together eventually and still frequent some of the bars I do. The husband glares at me but I'm not really that worried about it since he looks like the guy who tried to steal the frozen dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.

# ¿ May 1, 2017 17:27