Hal_2005 posted:

Tales from Hal's dating life:

- One girl who was a nurse. Two dates consisted of her lighting a joint, getting food after her shift ended and then loving. Pillow talk consisted of stoned marxist chatter. The second date was a diatribe into Alt-Left insurgency programs against American imperialism after loving for 2 hours. Date number 3 consisted of her announcing that nursing was not progressive enough for her so she joined a US Aid program. I found out 4 years later she died in a friendly fire airstrike.

- Dated an aerospace engineer who's parents were professional wheaton terrier show breeders. Their house had 50 wheaton dogs running around. Imagine tribbles from star trek and that is a rough approximation of the house. loving on her bed usually meant at least two wheaton terriers hoping into the bed to enjoy the bouncy action. You would need to move the dogs or clean the dogs as part of the after-sex. dumped her. She moved far from her parents and now designs bombs and has 5 cats.

- One girl was a translator. We had three dates of awesome 4 star dinners in new york, wild sex at hotels and patio drinking. She had a cocaine thing. The Russian mafia found her while out on a project and kicked in her door, raped her and put her in a coma. Her family pulled the plug on her 1 year ago.

- One girl had never had sex before but had 9 (yes 9) degrees to her name. The date consisted of her arguing it was more productive for her to work on curing male diseases then be with males. I pointed out the irony of the date and asked if she ever studied abnormal psychology in her journey to 9 degrees. Date ended with lulz. She is now married to a cattle baron, has a bunch of cats and quit academia to teach kindergarden.

- Long term relationship ended when this girl became addicted to PCP. I have no idea how she hid a hard drug like this from everyone, but good on her. While on a bender she claimed she was pregnant and the baby was trying to climb into her stomach. 1 coat hanger later, she had made herself sterile and was committed to a ward, never to be seen again.

- Dated a airline heiress. Free trips on a national air carrier sound cool but she could not function without cocaine. She was up to 1 bump every hour, like how some people need cigs. 3 nose jobs later she looked like michael jackson and her dad cut her off. Last I heard she tried to get into porn. The airline found out, purchased the tapes and put a gag order on her.

- Dated a NHL team owner's daughter. Every date was a trip to the owners box. She thought it was cute to throw things at the players bench; pennies, half filled beer cups, whatever she thought was fun that night. Dad banned her from attending home ice games long after I dumped her. A few of the players who retired to the city are still chill.

- Dated a miss universe contestant through a mutual friend. The date consisted of driving in a blacked out towncar to a closed off hotel patio and her wearing a wig/hat getup. It was pretty clear she had alerted the paparazzi to her "date" because there was 5 literally on the other side of the fence speed-shooting the entire event from SLR's. She got upset when I did not want to talk to her about starting a blind/dumb foundation in Africa with her as a "partnership". I ended up buying 5 plates of french fries for the paps and bailing out on the whole event. The paps gave me a standing ovation as I walked out and got a uber.

- Went to an escort, it turned out the escort was an undercover local detective. Her partner calls for help from an adjoining bedroom which causes all chaos to break loose, her with her pistol kicking in the side door, me naked and a pimp jumping out a window. After the guy is arrested, she returns to the bedroom where we swap numbers, comment on each others assets and meet for coffee the next day. Met for a few dates which consisted of largely swapping stories or jogging. She got into Quantico and is doing a JD.

- Tinder date turned up with neon pink hair. She explains that her day job is teaching autists and proceeds to talk to me about her side career as a crossfit model and cosplay professional. Spends first date talking to me about her naked bodypaint fetish cosplay as 7 of 9 and if I would be into being her Robert Picardo, with a bald cap. I wish I was making this up. Second date involved picking her up from a NGO play about bio-recycling. She explained sex was out of the question that night because she had to look after her 5 cats, 3 parrots, 2 dogs and 1 horse. Her car talk was explaining how the horse is suffering from diarrhea. Dinner conversation was her asking me about methods to gather chemicals to make napalm because "some .pdf from the internet is not working right". I never bothered to follow up with this one.

- Found a country western starlet on Tinder. Ended up spending the evening drinking box wine in her tour bus. She ended up batshit crazy from drugs. Still friends with her songwriting buddy.

- Dated a OCD PGL golf pro. Imagine an autist, but autistically focused around golf. She would wake up, putt 20 balls into a cup before taking a piss. After sex would mean working on chip shots into a sand filled vase in the hallway. It made for some cool nights indoors but got a bit dull dealing with the drama. She never made the tour circuit, dropped out, became a trader and how is on her third marriage with a raging drinking problem.

I'm incapable of finding normal people.