opie posted:

My first date ever was back in 1992 and we went to spike and mikes sick and twisted festival of animation. For our second date he sold his Playboys to take me out to dinner at the Black Angus.

RIP Dan.

opie posted:

It was awesome. I don't really have awful date stories.

Saint Freak posted:

Picked up a girl who wanted to see a movie at the second-run theater across town which sounds like a terrible date already, but whatever. When we're the only people in the theater she tells me that the house I picked her up at wasn't her place, she's married, and we had to come here because it was dark and empty and if her husband saw her out he would kill her, or himself, or me, or all three of us in some order (presumably himself last).





In any case the film was Pixels so I didn't bail cause I was praying for death at that point anyways.

Vargatron posted:

I dated a girl a few times and then she ghosted me for like 3 weeks. Got a text out of the blue "hey how are you doing???" to which I replied "your date must have gone terribly last night".

I understand why I'm still single.

Also minor league hockey is a poor choice for a second date if the guy/girl doesn't give a poo poo about sports.

Chomp8645 posted:

Eh, you'd be surprised. I had the exact same scenario but just with more elapsed time. Went on a date, nothing really happened for a while, then she contacts out of the blue a few months later. Even asked if I was seeing anyone. So yeah I immediately assumed that since our date she had bad luck in the dating scene and was slinking back for a remorseful hookup, which is something I would have shamefully indulged unlike this guy.

HOWEVER, further investigation revealed that she was not looking for sex, or even a date. She said she wanted to be friends (specifically, friends) because she "needed male perspective in her life". I was immediately reminded of a dude in one her profile pictures who she said was her (former?) "gay best friend". So I had to take it the facts of the situation.

1) Specifically stated "friends only".
2) Lives 30-45 minutes away in a lovely, hot town.
3) Few common interests.
4) The situation seems to suggest a psychological void that I'd be expected to fill (bad business).
5) The fact that I thought she was really hot would complicate point 1 significantly.
6) The spectre of the gay best friend.

I said "sure, we can be friends" and there has been zero communication in either direction since that (several weeks ago).

lol

Chomp8645 posted:

No, that's what I am saying. It is exactly as you describe. It was broadcasted specifically as a platonic friend request. I also thought it was a "want to hookup but don't wanna say it" situation at first. If that was the case I would put out. I'm not gonna regale details of the whole conversation but suffice to say that was NOT the case. I did my due diligence.

I don't hold anything against her either way.

Chomp8645 posted:

Oh my god that's where I went wrong!!!

Didn't send her the D!!!

Hal_2005 posted:

Tales from Hal's dating life:

- One girl who was a nurse. Two dates consisted of her lighting a joint, getting food after her shift ended and then loving. Pillow talk consisted of stoned marxist chatter. The second date was a diatribe into Alt-Left insurgency programs against American imperialism after loving for 2 hours. Date number 3 consisted of her announcing that nursing was not progressive enough for her so she joined a US Aid program. I found out 4 years later she died in a friendly fire airstrike.

- Dated an aerospace engineer who's parents were professional wheaton terrier show breeders. Their house had 50 wheaton dogs running around. Imagine tribbles from star trek and that is a rough approximation of the house. loving on her bed usually meant at least two wheaton terriers hoping into the bed to enjoy the bouncy action. You would need to move the dogs or clean the dogs as part of the after-sex. dumped her. She moved far from her parents and now designs bombs and has 5 cats.

- One girl was a translator. We had three dates of awesome 4 star dinners in new york, wild sex at hotels and patio drinking. She had a cocaine thing. The Russian mafia found her while out on a project and kicked in her door, raped her and put her in a coma. Her family pulled the plug on her 1 year ago.

- One girl had never had sex before but had 9 (yes 9) degrees to her name. The date consisted of her arguing it was more productive for her to work on curing male diseases then be with males. I pointed out the irony of the date and asked if she ever studied abnormal psychology in her journey to 9 degrees. Date ended with lulz. She is now married to a cattle baron, has a bunch of cats and quit academia to teach kindergarden.

- Long term relationship ended when this girl became addicted to PCP. I have no idea how she hid a hard drug like this from everyone, but good on her. While on a bender she claimed she was pregnant and the baby was trying to climb into her stomach. 1 coat hanger later, she had made herself sterile and was committed to a ward, never to be seen again.

- Dated a airline heiress. Free trips on a national air carrier sound cool but she could not function without cocaine. She was up to 1 bump every hour, like how some people need cigs. 3 nose jobs later she looked like michael jackson and her dad cut her off. Last I heard she tried to get into porn. The airline found out, purchased the tapes and put a gag order on her.

- Dated a NHL team owner's daughter. Every date was a trip to the owners box. She thought it was cute to throw things at the players bench; pennies, half filled beer cups, whatever she thought was fun that night. Dad banned her from attending home ice games long after I dumped her. A few of the players who retired to the city are still chill.

- Dated a miss universe contestant through a mutual friend. The date consisted of driving in a blacked out towncar to a closed off hotel patio and her wearing a wig/hat getup. It was pretty clear she had alerted the paparazzi to her "date" because there was 5 literally on the other side of the fence speed-shooting the entire event from SLR's. She got upset when I did not want to talk to her about starting a blind/dumb foundation in Africa with her as a "partnership". I ended up buying 5 plates of french fries for the paps and bailing out on the whole event. The paps gave me a standing ovation as I walked out and got a uber.

- Went to an escort, it turned out the escort was an undercover local detective. Her partner calls for help from an adjoining bedroom which causes all chaos to break loose, her with her pistol kicking in the side door, me naked and a pimp jumping out a window. After the guy is arrested, she returns to the bedroom where we swap numbers, comment on each others assets and meet for coffee the next day. Met for a few dates which consisted of largely swapping stories or jogging. She got into Quantico and is doing a JD.

- Tinder date turned up with neon pink hair. She explains that her day job is teaching autists and proceeds to talk to me about her side career as a crossfit model and cosplay professional. Spends first date talking to me about her naked bodypaint fetish cosplay as 7 of 9 and if I would be into being her Robert Picardo, with a bald cap. I wish I was making this up. Second date involved picking her up from a NGO play about bio-recycling. She explained sex was out of the question that night because she had to look after her 5 cats, 3 parrots, 2 dogs and 1 horse. Her car talk was explaining how the horse is suffering from diarrhea. Dinner conversation was her asking me about methods to gather chemicals to make napalm because "some .pdf from the internet is not working right". I never bothered to follow up with this one.

- Found a country western starlet on Tinder. Ended up spending the evening drinking box wine in her tour bus. She ended up batshit crazy from drugs. Still friends with her songwriting buddy.

- Dated a OCD PGL golf pro. Imagine an autist, but autistically focused around golf. She would wake up, putt 20 balls into a cup before taking a piss. After sex would mean working on chip shots into a sand filled vase in the hallway. It made for some cool nights indoors but got a bit dull dealing with the drama. She never made the tour circuit, dropped out, became a trader and how is on her third marriage with a raging drinking problem.

I'm incapable of finding normal people.

Deltasquid posted:

I want to believe them because they're funny.

I just remembered a "date" from my high school. I studied Latin then and we had quite a sizeable class, and a girl I was crushing on asked me if we could compare our Latin tests before the exams to study together. We were on good terms and this kind of thing happened during the lead-up to exams in our class, so I said "sure, where you wanna meet up?" And she said "Your place, maybe?"

She wanted to go immediately.

I hadn't registered this as a date though because a) I was a 16 year-old nerd, b) she had a boyfriend from another school, though looking back, maybe she was lying about that back then. Can't recall anyone ever meeting the guy. And c) My grandparents were actually at my place, because they came to visit every Wednesday.

The "date", such as it was, consisted of awkward small talk at lunch with my grandparents who would not stop giving us extra servings, and then us, completely stuffed, heading to my room to compare tests.

Granted we did actually get a lot of studying done.

Afterwards, she removed her sandals and sat on my bed and we started talking about whatever. It was around this point that I got the nagging feeling like maybe she wanted to do more than study? But I thought "naw, she has a boyfriend, I'm probably imagining things because I'm crushing on her."

She pointed out the tanlines on her toes from her sandals, and we discussed her loving tan lines for half an hour before she thanked me and left.

This date was super tame compared to the other stories here, but still. We had high school together for another 2 years, then 4 years at the same university. There have to be at least some of those days where she saw me and thought "oh yeah, this guy's grandparents fed us three servings of mashed potatoes and stew." as the high point in our teenage years of making bad passes at each other.

Nobody I know has ever seen her alleged boyfriend from back then either.

One More Fat Nerd posted:

Had a first date with a girl from OKC. She was about as expected, slightly heavier than pics indicated, nice boobs, cute. Had burgers then went bowling. Ran into an acquaintance (M) out with his wife (B) at the bowling alley. This is when things went weird.

To preface, I consider any first date I survive to be acceptable, so I was never particlarly upset at any point, just increasingly bewildered.

M was fairly drunk when we arrived and noticed each other. He invited us to bowl with him and his wife. We agreed and everything went smoothly for like 30 seconds. Then M started hitting on my date. The starting line was "I like thick girls, all the girls I've dated, except B, were thick." It continues from there. Within five minutes we have a description of his genitals, their pet name and dimensions. This includes how weight gain/loss has changed them over the years.

I'm bowled over. Both because his wife (twig-skinny, literally a ballerina) is five feet away, and because somehow this approach is working. My date is into this. I'm not even mad. Being incredibly straightforward about your sexual interest right in front of your increasingly upset (but trying to hide it, "oh M just has no filter when he's drunk haha" *thousand yard stare* ) wife is something I had never even considered as a viable strategy. Its not like the guy was gorgeous or anything. Average height, average looks, average shape.

As the night goes on, his wife starts to hit on me, but not in a "oh this is polyamory" way, in a "desperately trying to make the husband pay attention to her" sort of way. Culminating in her getting a strike and taking a congratulatory running leap onto me, wrapping her legs around me and planting a big kiss, (eyes glued on M the entire time) . M does not appear to notice or give a single poo poo.

By the end of bowling, my date, M and myself are somehow discussing kinks, and how her personal kink is that she has a strong preference for anal, to the extent she would prefer to never have standard sex again. B is stewing. The decision is made to go to Kroger, buy beer and head back to their place and hang out. At Kroger, M goes in to buy beer, my date goes in to pee (they exchange numbers inside, I found out later). B and I are left in the parking lot. I talk to her for a bit, she apologizes for M and calls me a "gentleman". This is the only part of the evening that actually stung. She is sobbing increasingly hard over the course of this conversation. I decide I'm done.

When they emerge with beer I make an excuse to go home. Somehow this girl thinks the night wasn't insane and asks online the next day if I'd like to go out again. I didn't answer lol.

Seven years later, M and B are still married and have two kids. According to a mutual friend, he cheats on her multiple times a year, and she is open about accepting it because she doesn't feel she can do better. Happy Ending!

One More Fat Nerd posted:

As a goon I probably should've accepted my fate was loving women who were either crying or about to cry, but what can I say, it was 2009, Obama had just been elected, I still had hope.

PureEvil6_13 posted:

Took a girl out to a bar once and she ran into some other dude she knew. I endured about an hour of her ignoring me and talking to him before I got up and left. She ran out after me to my car. . .not to tell me she was being an rear end in a top hat, but to ask me if it's ok if that other guy takes her home and I tell her that I'm obviously leaving and don't care how or if she gets home.

Barudak posted:

I believe in positive reinforcement so you done good, kid.

PureEvil6_13 posted:

This happened maybe 15 years ago and the girl I went out with that night was someone I knew for a while, and she asked me to go out to the bars one night. It was one of those deals where if anything sexual would happen that would be cool, but if not, that was cool too but I wasn't going to be her loving chauffer pissboy all night.

Breetai posted:

About 5 days after the Dark Knight theatre shooting I went out on a first date with someone who happened to be American (I live in Australia), and the last quarter of the date was a completely unprompted (I did not say a word about the shootings or about gun control in general) diatribe about how despite how horrible and judgemental other countries are being about America there should NEVER be increased gun control and ARE FREEDUMS and how DARE anyone suggest that the seppos should tone it down on the firearms availability side of things, they DON'T UNDERSTAND.

It was super awkward.


There was also the random hookup who near-verbatim said "If you don't want to I don't mind, but if you'd like to piss on my oval office I'm cool with it."

Breetai posted:

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

Friend of mine has crazy charisma and he'd somehow convince women to do anal on the first date, just so he could tell us about it.

PureEvil6_13 posted:

Yeah I been married for about 13 years now. There were times where I was the sexy and cool guy to other girls as well, I've been with a girl who called up a guy that was completely in love with her to get him to buy us beer. I felt bad for the guy, taking the beer he bought from him and getting into my car with the girl he was nutty over, knowing I was going to plow her in an hour or so. The real lovely part was, I dropped her off at his place after we were done. When I say we, I meant myself and a friend of mine who hosed her a little while after I did.

Fartbox posted:

your friend sounds like a bullshitter cuz it's hard gettin a 10 inch dick up your rear end unless you're some anal aficionado

He'd have to spend half the date lubing up their assholes and inching it in

PureEvil6_13 posted:

I'm sorry Elsa, I lied about that story. . .I didn't feel bad for that nerd at ALL.

Breetai posted:

Oh so she did that thing where girls pretend to pull their hair back so it does or does not get in the way but you said she couldn't because you were driving?

I cannot believe she would stoop so low.

Breetai posted:

So your girlfriend with her long, blonde hair went down on you and had she must enjoyed it..but you didn't.

Breetai posted:

I thought you'd be familiar with it, though you're obviously not getting the reference, but that being said if you have to apply your hilarious cartooning talents to any offsite post/thread, check this poo poo out.

Vespertillian posted:

I have bad date stories!

My worst date/possibly this one dudes worst date: In highschool I was friends with a group of three guys - I'm always pretty blatant about being a lesbian and everyone seemed chill at first. We hung out and played videogames and drank pretty frequently.
One of them texted one day telling me to come hang out with them all at this one arcade. I show up and of fuckin' course he's the only one there. He muttered something about the other guys ditching but said that he already bought the tokens the arcade machines used, so I should play some of the games with him.
 I was kinda unassuming and naive back then so I was like, okay, sure. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to go get a coffee. I declined as I was starting to feel that the situation was a bit odd. He insisted on walking me to my car and then looked at me expectantly. I got in my car, waved at him, and drove off.
I got home and my phone had a novel on it about how I was a bitch for not at least giving him a hug after how well he thought our "date" went.
I texted him back something along the lines of "You said the other guys ditched, were you inviting them on a date too? I think you'd have better chance trying to get with (other male friend from group)  lol"
He never responded to that text and I never hung out with him alone again, but a couple months later he screamed a heartbroken confession of his love to me at a party after finding me making out with his sister; I laughed at him. He began to weep and then ran away from the party and into the crisp winter night, presumably a broken man.



My worst date that I was not tricked into via ambush wasn't really that bad - I met up with a Tinder girl for lunch. She seemed pretty normal. We talked about a bit of casual stuff - the weather, families, poo poo like that. At some point I asked about her hobbies.
She proceeded to talk about Steven Universe for about 30 minutes straight despite my desperate air of disinterest towards the subject. She then entreated me earnestly and with great urgency to create a Tumblr.
I mentioned that I don't really see watching TV as an actual hobby and asked what else she did in her spare time. She started to talk about some other cartoon, and any further atempts to change the topic always led back to fandoms and cartoons. It was like she was a missionary for the church of latter day children's animated shows or something.
She was 24 and allegedly getting a masters degree in women's studies and was upset when I wouldn't go on a second date with her.


I've also had a couple of first dates go entirely innocuously if not outright fantastic only to have the girl mention at the end -with one of them it was after we banged-  that they really liked me and they're excited for me to meet their up-to-that-point-unmentioned boyfriend.
It's left a bitter taste in my mouth and unto this very day whenever anyone mentions polygamy I scream, firmly clasp my scalp between my hands, and pull hard enough that my skin rips off and beneath the bloodied cover of my skull glimpses are revealed of my enraged frothing brain.

Tribal Rival posted:

Nice selfies on an Internet forum about jokes.

chickie nugs for brekkie posted:

Your Awful Dates: gently caress YOUR COUSIN YOU WEIRDO!