Your Awful Dates

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lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

i once went to a chick's house. we got drunk a did a bit of coke, and then i got a cut on my finger somehow..

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 05:12

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# ¿ Apr 30, 2024 07:45

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

Grem posted:

lol good job you loving idiot, coke and drugs on a first date with someone you don't know well? She's probably a world of trouble and you'll be in jail soon for some poo poo you never see coming. Idiot.

i'm posting this from jail and my finger got infected and also i'm dead.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 07:02

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

She revealed that she was actually a moose

sorry man, i think everyone here can heavily relate to this story.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 07:57

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

yeah I eat rear end posted:

She picked Eurotrip.

why you didn't run at this point is beyond me :shrug:

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 10:28

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

new phone who dis posted:

Internet dating is a minefield.

I get a message from this chick and we start chatting a bit. All of her pictures are from pretty far away, but she's still pretty slim and seems OK looking, so I agree to meet her.

Things she said in her profile:

She is a Marine Biologist

She isn't into random hook-ups.

She is into fitness.

None of that ended up being true. We agreed to meet at a Korean restaurant. As I'm walking up to the front door to meet her, the first thing I notice other than the fact that she is totally not into fitness is that her teeth are orange. Not yellow, but orange. It looks like she was getting ready in front of the mirror that morning and right after she slipped on her Birkenstocks thinking they were ideal for a first date, she grabbed a handful of Orange Tang and smeared it on her teeth. I decide to tough it out anyway to be polite.

The Korean place we want to go to is really busy, so we pick a smaller and less busy place across the street. She asks me if I've ever had "Beef Bagobi". I ask her if she's sure that's the name of it, because I've never heard of it. She mocks me for being uncultured and not knowing what "Beef Bagobi" is. I'm pretty sure she means Bulgogi, but I let it slide. We get seated and we are the only white people in this entire place. Every other table is a occupied my quiet, mousy Asian families and couples staring down at their tables and each other. Nobody even looks at us. As we're given menus she grabs one, points to a big section on it that says "Beef Bulgogi" and says, "See? Beef Bagobi!" I am now officially annoyed.

I have a familial hand tremor. I have it, my dad has it, and my sister has it. We have shaky hands. We are given stainless steel chopsticks and an appetizer/salad platter that seems to mainly consist of things the consistency of jello or softer. I'm having difficulty with it but trying to be good-natured and humorous. This causes her to laugh. Oh, sweet mother of God what a mistake it was to make her laugh. It's the loudest, most annoying HEE-HAW sound you can imagine. Just the utterly shrill, mind-shattering bray of an angry donkey. I can't believe she's being serious at first. It has to be a joke. I say something else funny and she does it again. I look around the restaurant and every Asian person in there has frozen mid-action and they are currently staring at us, some with chopsticks halted directly in front of open mouths. None of them can believe it either. All conversation has ceased and the only noises being made in the place are the braying of my date and the soft Asian elevator music. She is as oblivious to this fact as I am horrified.

I quickly decide to stop telling jokes and make the subject about her instead. We order our "Bagobi" and she starts to talk about herself. It turns out she isn't actually a Marine Biologist, she's in her fist semester of school for it and lives with her parents. She has also been on over 100 internet dates. To anyone doing internet dating, they know that's a lot of soul-crushing and awkward experiences. She also admits that she slept with about half of them. Dinner hasn't even arrived yet. So much for accurate profiles! The rest of dinner goes fine and I eat quickly hoping to get the gently caress out of there.

We finish eating, and in the same shopping center is a bar with billiards. She asks me if I want to play a couple games of pool. I certainly need a drink, so I agree. How bad can it be? We go into the bar and she tells me what kind of drink she wants and goes to get us a pool table. It's some kind of vodka drink. I order a beer. The bartender is a nice-enough hipster dude that chats with me while he's making the drinks. I mention to him that I'm on an internet date. He winks at me and makes her drink pretty stiff, thinking he's doing me a favor. I sigh internally and tip him out before going to the pool table. I tell her that it looks like they make the drinks pretty strong here and she says that's fine she likes them that way. After her second one is when the show begins.

She goes from being stand-offish and conversational to super handsy. She's trying to grab my dick and I'm doing my best to take shots that involve me being on the opposite side of the table to avoid it. It's like some sort of sick game of tag where if you get caught you have to gently caress a donkey with orange teeth. Now she's trying to act sultry and droop her cleavage over whatever hole I'm shooting at and talking dirty. God drat you, hipster bartender. I told her I was ready to leave and she thought that meant going to her (parent's) place until we got to the car and she found out different. I ran while I still had some of my dignity.

source please.

if it's you (even if it's not), you're a baby

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 14:56

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

damnit which ones are originals and which ones are c/ps

REVEAL YOUR SECRET THREAD *throws holy water*

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 16:34

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

Putty posted:

This girl I went out for coffee with didn't like my talk about parallel universes in Super Mario 64. The nerve.

i hope you immediately cut off all contact, this is the type of dating horror story that keeps me (voluntarily) celibate.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 17:18

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

Xarthor posted:

The next week she told me she was going back to her ex-boyfriend to try and make it work.

i love a schmaltzy end, really tugs at the feels. :3:

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 16:55

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

ah yes the 'hot chick who has now become a born again christian and concentrated all the crazy into her new faith'.

like a special brand of crazy where you snort a bunch of cocaine, swallow a bottle of vodka and then drive over to gently caress a formerly homeless addict in rehab who ends up rejecting you.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2017 07:42

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

Piss de Bundy posted:

some of the worst dates ive been on were with doctors, because doctors only DOCTOR DOCTOR IM A DOCTOR IM SO BUSY IM A DOCTOR

oh so what do you like to do ...in your free...

I DONT HAVE FREE TIME, IM A DOCTOR, DOCTOR STUFF, DOCTOR DOCTOR

uhh..so do you like...being a ..

I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT DOCTOR STUFF, BECAUSE I DOCTOR ALL DAY LONG, DOCTOR, DOCTOR

"please don't call my work 'admin' work, no i don't care that it is administrative work, i asked for my job title to be 'telephone ninja' for a reason"

# ¿ Apr 27, 2017 19:41

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

Vargatron posted:

I once had a girl thank me for opening the car door for her and I looked her dead in the face and said "actually, I have manual locks so I had to open this up for you". I wish I could project my being back in time and strangle myself.

Also Jesus Christ just let the girl choose what she wants to hear on the radio because nothing dries up the well worse than Geddy Lee's wail on the first half of Hemispheres.

ah, and the true origin of :goonsay:

is revealed

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 14:57

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

if my heart warms anymore from these tales, it's just going to evaporate at some point.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 15:26

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

new phone who dis posted:

I met a girl at college who blew me ten minutes after meeting me in some bushes by the track. I told her the next day I didn't think continuing it was a good idea. One of my high school acquaintances spent the next 2 years in her friend zone listening to every crazy and stupid problem she had while desperately in love with her until she moved away. Really, I feel like I was supposed to be the second guy in this story and someone at the home office of blowjobs hosed up the paperwork.

good news, you WERE the second guy!

you just slipped into a hallucinatory state for a brief moment there, welcome back.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 15:50

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# ¿ Apr 30, 2024 07:45

lorn Wayne: Jan 7, 2006

Putty posted:

When I saw the word "guffaw" my dick shriveled up and disintegrated like a spent cigarette. I should probably call an ambulance now idk?

nah it'll gradually regenerate, so long as you're a land starfish like me. no need to get Big Medical involved.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 17:04

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Your Awful Dates