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Seltzer
Oct 11, 2012

Ask me about Game Pass: the Best Deal in Gaming!
We're back to celebrate the best annual event in combat sports. Last year the Bianchi won the grand tournament again. After an amazing offensive duel in the semi's against the Verdi, the Bianchi maintained a steady lead over the Azurri in the final to secure the white cow. The Blues shocked the Calcio Storico community by advancing past the burly Reds and putting on a show in the final. The 2016 tournament provided flying kicks, kamikaze runs, slapping of faces and wild hand gesturing. What is in store this time? The draw this year will pit the Verdi vs the Rossi in the opener on Saturday. The Champions will face the runners up in Sunday's game (Bianchi vs Azurri). Will the Whites remain dominant, will the Greens play to their level, will the Blues shock the world again, will the Reds be unrepentant scumbags (yes)? I don't know but what I do know is that I can't wait to watch these roided up Italian men punch each other in a sandy piazza

What is Calcio Storico?


Basically this







More Precisely

Calcio fiorentino (also known as calcio storico "historic football") is an early form of football that originated in 16th century Italy. Once widely played, the sport is thought to have originated in the Piazza Santa Croce in Florence. Interest in Calcio waned in the early 17th century. However in 1930 it was reorganized as a game in Kingdom of Italy. Today, three matches are played each year in Piazza Santa Croce in Florence in the 3rd week of June. A team from each quartiere of the city is represented:



Santa Croce / Azzurri (Blues)
Unathletic out of shape wastemen who are terrible at offense but through their sheer determination and willingness to sacrfice their bodies are able to give any team a struggle.


Santa Maria Novella / Rossi (Reds)
Roided up cheaters. They are slightly better at scoring than the azzurri but they prefer to toss people out of the arena and waste the clock. They gas 1/3rd the way through every match


Santo Spirito / Bianchi (Whites)
A dynasty riding high. A complete team with some of the best offensive players in the game. Top down leadership and success in their veins.


San Giovanni / Verdi (Greens)
An all around solid team with offensive flair and long range sharpshooters. They are not afraid to get physical. They are a team with illustrious history and a deep respect for the Calcio tradition.


After playing each other in two opening games, the two winners go onto the final which occurs each year on June 24th.

Rules

The modern version of calcio allows tactics such as head-butting, punching, elbowing, and choking but sucker punches and kicks to the head are banned. The game is played on a field of sand with a narrow slit constituting the goal, running the width of each end. Each teams comprises 27 players who are allowed to use both feet and hands to pass and control the ball. Goals (or cacce) are scored by throwing the ball over into the netting at the end of the field. There is a main referee, six linesmen and a field master. Each match is played out for 50 minutes with the winner being the team with the most goals scored.

What essentially happens is the two teams line up and beat on each other. The team with the ball tries to preoccupy the other team by beating them down or taking them down to the point where a gap is created and the ball runner can go on a run towards goal. The goal is narrow and missing a shot on goal gives the opponents .5 points. Scoring a goal nets the shooting team 1 pt. Because of the penalty for missing, players try to get fairly close before shooting. When it comes to tackling a ball carrier anything goes including kicking his legs out from under him.

That's basically the rules but in actuality what happens is a big clusterfuck wherein a bunch of referees and assistants dressed like renaissance clowns run around calling things as they see fit.

(Respect this man's authority)

Players will break rules if they feel like they can get away with it and justice is arbitrarily dished out. However, players can and frequently do, get ejected for breaking the rules. This usually occurs after the most ferocious of hand gesturing. There seems to be a gentleman's agreement not to kick eachother's asses too bad, but I honestly have no real idea and people do get their rear end kicked.

The winners get a year of bragging rights and a white cow.

When to watch
Semi-final Verdi vs Rossi - 6/10/ 12:30 pm est
Semi-final Bianchi vs Azurri - 6/11/ 12:30 pm est
Final TBA 6/24 12:30 pm est

Where to watch
The local Florentine channel that airs the games has a convenient HD web broadcast.
http://www.rtv38.com/livetest.html Be wary of when you click on this because they air ads for strip clubs at night

Why you should watch

Italian amateur striking


Italian amateur grappling


More importantly- It's legitimately crazy, bizarre and entertaining.

Check this poo poo out of you want

A semi final from 2015. Probably the best game that year. End to end stuff.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EioSnjSjq00

Last years final
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODmHEzvl8Iw

A short documentary focusing on the lead up to the game. Not the greatest, but interesting none the less.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XctCNiDICXo

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Seltzer
Oct 11, 2012

Ask me about Game Pass: the Best Deal in Gaming!
Last Year's Highlights

The game changing bounce shot. Utilized heavily by the whites and greens


Classic Rossi tactics


Classic Azzurri offense


Flying kicks


Knockdown blows


Grandstanding dunks


and thrilling runs

Seltzer fucked around with this message at 18:23 on Jun 6, 2017

Seltzer
Oct 11, 2012

Ask me about Game Pass: the Best Deal in Gaming!
Reserved possible effort post

DJExile
Jun 28, 2007


this is the greatest loving sport i have ever seen

Lone Goat
Apr 16, 2003

When life gives you lemons, suplex those lemons.




gently caress yes

Soulex
Apr 1, 2009


Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

I forget what district the Duomo is in. That's the one I am.

gently caress yes this is the best. I did a college presentation in Italian on this and can offer some answers to more of the history of the game (first game was played on the frozen river that bisects Florence in winter iirc). The prize used to be pretty loving cool and that documentary is a good one too.

DJExile
Jun 28, 2007


is there a prize beyond bragging rights and a cow? because that alone is a pretty loving great prize

Simone Poodoin
Jun 26, 2003

Che storia figata, ragazzo!



Calcio Storico owns, can't wait!

Seltzer
Oct 11, 2012

Ask me about Game Pass: the Best Deal in Gaming!

DJExile posted:

is there a prize beyond bragging rights and a cow? because that alone is a pretty loving great prize

No. The game started out as part of the city's festivities along with fireworks, feasts, and other good stuff like that. It's a way to represent your neighborhood, settle grudges, and put on a show for the city. It's the scientifically proven most pure form of sport.

DJExile
Jun 28, 2007


Seltzer posted:

No. The game started out as part of the city's festivities along with fireworks, feasts, and other good stuff like that. It's a way to represent your neighborhood, settle grudges, and put on a show for the city. It's the scientifically proven most pure form of sport.

loving perfect

DumbWhiteGuy
Jul 4, 2007

You need haters. Fellas if you got 20 haters, you need 40 of them motherfuckers. If there's any haters in here that don't have nobody to hate on, feel free to hate on me
hell yeah

Golashes
Aug 8, 2006

team starslay3r!!!!!!
yes!

Wazzu
Feb 28, 2008

Are you sure I'm winning the Rumble? That does'nt seem right.....

DJExile posted:

is there a prize beyond bragging rights and a cow? because that alone is a pretty loving great prize

I thought the cow had been replaced with the winners getting a meal, because they can't split an actual cow.

Fighting for a single meal is also sufficiently pure to me.

Seltzer
Oct 11, 2012

Ask me about Game Pass: the Best Deal in Gaming!

Wazzu posted:

I thought the cow had been replaced with the winners getting a meal, because they can't split an actual cow.

Fighting for a single meal is also sufficiently pure to me.

I think you're right which is unfortunate. It was the prize until relatively recently though. It's still part of the parade I think.

I.N.R.I
May 26, 2011
:D

I.N.R.I
May 26, 2011
there used to be a medieval british version of this where the pitch was the distance between two opposing villages .. i would have liked to have seen that. part calcio, part guerilla warfare

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

What the gently caress is Calcio Storico?
reads OP

DJExile posted:

this is the greatest loving sport i have ever seen

:agreed:

Mulaney Power Move
Dec 30, 2004

hell yeah i'm watching this poo poo on saturday. so is that italy saturday or united states saturday? or is it the same day?

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010
It sounds like rugby for people who think rugby's too polite

Dr. Abysmal
Feb 17, 2010

We're all doomed
I remember rooting for the blue team last year, they had a few sweet comebacks and an old fat guy with a mullet who ended up being my favorite player.

Troy Queef
Jan 12, 2013




Mulaney Power Move posted:

hell yeah i'm watching this poo poo on saturday. so is that italy saturday or united states saturday? or is it the same day?

same day, Italy's 7 hours ahead of you though (GMT+1 for those of you who aren't in the US)

Lid
Feb 18, 2005

And the mercy seat is awaiting,
And I think my head is burning,
And in a way I'm yearning,
To be done with all this measuring of proof.
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth,
And anyway I told the truth,
And I'm not afraid to die.
This is so dumb

And thats why it is the best loving thing ever

Seltzer
Oct 11, 2012

Ask me about Game Pass: the Best Deal in Gaming!

Mulaney Power Move posted:

hell yeah i'm watching this poo poo on saturday. so is that italy saturday or united states saturday? or is it the same day?

Seltzer posted:

When to watch
Semi-final Verdi vs Rossi - 6/10/ 12:30 pm est
Semi-final Bianchi vs Azurri - 6/11/ 12:30 pm est
Final TBA 6/24 12:30 pm est

The time's are in EST so whatever that is in your timezone. Also It technically starts at about 11. But the first hour and a half is a parade and camera shots of shirtless italian dudes on their balconies smoking cigarettes.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Seltzer posted:

camera shots of shirtless italian dudes on their balconies smoking cigarettes.

Truly the King of Sports
wipes tear from eye

Triticum Guzzler
Jun 16, 2002
This was really funny the last couple of years. Good luck to the steroid men in their battle for sandpit supremacy, and may the best team win a cow

Mob
May 7, 2002

Me reading your posts

Last year was a lot of fun, I put the stream on at work for the warehouse guys and they didn't do poo poo for an hour besides different variations of "Whut tha HAIL???"

Gigi Galli
Sep 19, 2003

and then the car turned in to fire
This poo poo is great, puts those clowns in Siena with their Palio to shame.

Mel Mudkiper
Jan 19, 2012

At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.
Getting hyped

Mel Mudkiper
Jan 19, 2012

At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.
Also go greens

Kalli
Jun 2, 2001



this is my jam

Mel Mudkiper
Jan 19, 2012

At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.
That reminds me, I was never completely clear

How do they determine if a shot is missed

Like, if someone throws the ball clearly intending to score and it falls short of the net, is that still a shot? Or does it have to make contact with the net/barricade to count?

Lone Goat
Apr 16, 2003

When life gives you lemons, suplex those lemons.




Mel Mudkiper posted:

That reminds me, I was never completely clear

How do they determine if a shot is missed

Like, if someone throws the ball clearly intending to score and it falls short of the net, is that still a shot? Or does it have to make contact with the net/barricade to count?

If it goes over the goal, it missed.

LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"
I am cheering for the fattest team

Leperflesh
May 17, 2007

Alright I watched the first video and :stare:

Some things I am surmising are rules, please c/d:

-I guess there's a 1 on 1 combat rule, like you can't gang up on a dude
-Looks like there's some kind of tapout/accept being pinned/ref says you're pinned rule, where then a man will sit on you and you have to wait till the next point is scored before you can both get up
-Similarly there is a 'stand around hugging' rule? What determines whether you are sufficiently embraced in a totally not gay hug?
-It seems like there's more than just officials and players on the pitch. Some dude in team colors with a staff with a furled banner or flag or something? Random coaches?
-There's clearly some kind of "too many guys in a pile with the ball" rule that causes a ref to stop the action and pull the ball out and huck it into the air for a jump-ball, right?
-Are there substitutions? I think there might be, I saw guys leaving and coming in, but that might have been due to penalties instead?


I actually think it looks like there's a ton of mutually agreed-upon sportsmanship. I saw a lot of cases of two dudes just agreeing not to fight any more for some reason, or accepting that one dude wants to back out of the fight and not pushing it, and very little dirty kicking/punching dudes once they've submitted or backed down or something. Also a few cases where two mismatched dudes are squaring off and the smaller guy is relieved by a bigger guy from his own team, like everyone accepts OK we're gonna get one of our bigger bruisers to be in this fight so the smaller guy can go run around and make plays?

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008
The hugging comes from two dudes who emptied their gas tanks in the first three minutes and they can at least claim that they're doing something instead of standing around.

Seltzer
Oct 11, 2012

Ask me about Game Pass: the Best Deal in Gaming!

Leperflesh posted:

Alright I watched the first video and :stare:

I tried to sum it up as best as possible in the OP. 2 on 1 is not allowed. The officials are wearing renaissance clothes so you're just seeing a lot of different costumes. Also there is the grand marshall (head ref) who is extra flamboyantly dressed and the medical crew scampering around a lot that wears bright orange (iirc) so it looks like a lot of extra people on the ground. It's actually a common tactic to set picks using absentminded officials since there are so many running around. There are no substitutions, people re-enter the field after getting minor injuries or if they happened to be tossed out by another player. They are kept off permanently if they get ejected for breaking a rule or if they get seriously injured. This happens a lot so one team might end a game six men down with the other down four as an example. There's definitely a code but part of the code is that you can break the code and it's not a massively big deal. I'll just repost the relevant bit.

Seltzer posted:

That's basically the rules but in actuality what happens is a big clusterfuck wherein a bunch of referees and assistants dressed like renaissance clowns run around calling things as they see fit.

Players will break rules if they feel like they can get away with it and justice is arbitrarily dished out. However, players can and frequently do, get ejected for breaking the rules. This usually occurs after the most ferocious of hand gesturing. There seems to be a gentleman's agreement not to kick eachother's asses too bad, but I honestly have no real idea and people do get their rear end kicked.

Seltzer fucked around with this message at 22:43 on Jun 7, 2017

handsome only face
Apr 22, 2010

Cockroach went out of the room in anger. And roach's go to empty room...

Cockroache's Anarchist


BONFIGLIO

handsome only face
Apr 22, 2010

Cockroach went out of the room in anger. And roach's go to empty room...

Cockroache's Anarchist


can't wait for the italian horny lunch time tv ads during the interval between the guys throwing flags for an hour and the matches

Name Change
Oct 9, 2005


I am watching the 2015 game and the early-going is apparently red team playing catch in the backfield while intermittent, on-and-off boxing matches break out, based on whether you are a player who wants to do that sort of thing and can find a willing partner, or just someone you really want to hit.

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Mel Mudkiper
Jan 19, 2012

At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

dont even fink about it posted:

I am watching the 2015 game and the early-going is apparently red team playing catch in the backfield while intermittent, on-and-off boxing matches break out, based on whether you are a player who wants to do that sort of thing and can find a willing partner, or just someone you really want to hit.

The first ten minutes of calcio are always fun because its only tangentially a ball game by virtue of their being a ball somewhere in that street fight

When I show people calcio I always show them how the score is 0-0 for the first 30 minutes and then ten minutes later there have been like eight goals

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