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Sorry, I don't like it much. 1. It fails this rule Dr. Kloctopussy posted:PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. NEVER EVER POST SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVEN’T READ AND REVISED YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO READ SOMETHING, DON’T ASK ANYONE ELSE TO. Or maybe you did revise it but missed "If there isn’t anything inside of it, I can’t feel it rattling around." and "I awaken, covered in sweat, covered in sweat, and convulsing". Or maybe that's on purpose? 2. Your language doesn't flow easily. It sounds like you were trying to impress with it instead of writing simply and focusing on the plot. "Coagulation of centuries", "my vowels find no purchase", "casual intensity that belies a deeply burning fire". I could go on. 3. The plot would would work better if we learned why the guy is cursed with this nightmare. So, the Devil picked some random guy to give him the false choice between wealth and destroying the mankind. Why that guy? And why a visit to his father? Why the game with two suitcases if it always ends the same? It's like a half baked Twilight Zone episode. If it were a proper Rod Serling story, the man would find himself in this situation through a fault of his own, the Devil would look normal (no 1000 year old ice stare that paralyzes), and it would be him that would talk with the detective in the end. In your story the Devil wears a gray suit but the guy that talks with the detective wears a long coat. If it's just some guy then how come his gaze sends shivers? And if it's the devil after all, why the detail with the different clothes?
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Aug 13, 2017 23:17
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| # ¿ May 16, 2024 02:14 |
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A nicely dressed evil man who has huge powers and enjoys playing cruel tricks with people... That's for me a typical appearing of the Devil.
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Aug 16, 2017 01:36
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