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Alright. It's been a while, but let us tally the vote. John Mandeville's Dadbook Profile 1. Deadly dad puns. 2. Boatmanship. 3. Killer Griller. 4. Space Prez. 5. Your fave comedies are problematic. 6. Naps are the source of happiness. 7. Untreated, crippling self-esteem issues. 8. The world ends with you. First Social Call Huuuuugooooo~ is the victor!
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Feb 22, 2018 20:01
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  What's your favorite movie genre? Old comedies that haven't aged well. What's your ideal date? Napping together. What do you never leave home without? My cripplingly low self-esteem. I spend a lot of time thinking about : Potential ends of the world. This took way too long to do.   "Yeah, that was actually kinda fun. I could totally spend all day on here just looking at people's profiles." "You should message one of them. Or more than one of them. All of these Dads seem pretty interesting." "Okay... I promise I'll make some friends."Amanda gives me a hug.  "Go get 'em, Dad." Male VO in the tone of AOL's sign-in greeting: "Welcome! You've got Dads!" The thread demanded Hugo, so let's check him out.  What's your favorite movie genre? Documents on art history What's your ideal date? Each of us read a different book on opposite sides of the couch in comfortable silence What do you never leave home without? My glasses. Actually i forget them at home a lot I spend a lot of time thinking about : I worry that people who are against e-readers are more in love with the idea of books than actually reading them His profile's a little sloppy for a teacher. Oh well... Maybe that means he's a little more down to earth than he comes off as!     "I completely understand if you don't want to or can't make it, but I'm gonna be honest with you here. It's the middle school class. I need as much help as I can get."I think about it for a moment. Man. That's a lot of screaming kids that I'd be accountable for. And they're in middle school -- arguably the worst age to be.  So I don't really know why, but we seem to have stepped into some sort of time discontinuity between updates. Amanda is supposed to be gone, not just getting up for the day. "Mornin' Manda." "Mornin' pops." "Hey... are you alright?" "Oh. Of course... I'm fine." "But they're different."Something's wrong with them. Like they're a dream someone once had but can no longer remember. "And no one's talking about it. They just go on like everything's normal."  Well, thread?
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Feb 22, 2018 21:22
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What's actually wrong? Cheeky kid.
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Feb 22, 2018 21:41
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This doesn't seem like Amanda. What's actually wrong?
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Feb 22, 2018 22:03
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Maugrim posted:What's actually wrong? Cheeky kid. She's waaaaaaay too old to care about a boy band this much
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Feb 22, 2018 22:07
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Yeah, not buying it, what's actually wrong?
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Feb 22, 2018 22:34
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What's actually wrong? Also, dad should dadsolutely go on that class trip. Think of all the opportunities to pass along wisdom to the kids.
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Feb 22, 2018 23:30
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Were they the only ones? I mean, really?
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Feb 23, 2018 01:53
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What do you call it when god kicks all the major angels out of heaven for sending holy memos in arial instead of times new roman? Sans-seraph
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Feb 25, 2018 14:22
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Carbon dioxide posted:What do you call it when god kicks all the major angels out of heaven for sending holy memos in arial instead of times new roman? I really should've seen that punchline coming, it's not like I haven't heard similar jokes.  Someone is siphoning my Dad power. Also you reminded me of this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJ1fo2kATKc
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Feb 25, 2018 17:19
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POOL IS CLOSED posted:I really should've seen that punchline coming, it's not like I haven't heard similar jokes. Have you gotten any father with the next update?
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Mar 10, 2018 02:35
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Earl of Lavender posted:Have you gotten any father with the next update? Aaaaaa! Yeah, sorry about the deathly pace. Maybe this time of year simply doesn't agree with me. Should have a fresh batch of DAD this weekend though.
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Mar 10, 2018 06:33
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Update 19: Asiago Getter Dad Tip #90: Always try to make others around you happy.  "If there's, you know... anything going on... I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And I'll always be here for you."Whether you need a shoulder to cry on or a strong Dad to go kick someone's butt, I'm only a phone call away."  "Thanks, Popsicle. I appreciate that."The game is inconsistent here about using red-eyed Amanda versus her usual portraits.  "But I'm fine. Really."I'm unconvinced, but I'll stop badgering her about it. I'm sure she'll tell me when she's ready. "Hey, how was middle school for you?"  "Everyone sucks. No self-awareness. It's just a bunch of hormonal teenagers locked in a gross old building for 40+ hours a week, doing long-division and starting fights over... I dunno, pizza day? Top 40s pop?"Middle schoolers should be avoided at all costs."  "What was your middle school experience like?" "It was so long ago. We probably rode dinosaurs to class and bartered for lunch with the tiny skulls of the animals we had slain." "And we liked it!" "See? Middle schoolers are reprehensible!"The deplorables of the grade school years... "Wait, why are you asking me about middle school?" "Oh, Mr. Vega requested my help to chaperone his middle school class to the aquarium. Just wanted to know what I was in for." "You get to go to the aquarium? Are you kidding me?""The last field trip I got to go on was to the clam chowder factory. They didn't even give us clam chowder. They gave us square pizza. At a clam chowder factory." Why is square pizza so often of inferior quality? Someone oughtta investigate. "Oh, is that why you won't eat clam chowder anymore?" "No, it's because Bobby Wellingham threw up into one of the vats of clam chowder and I'm the only one who saw it happen."It haunts me." "Right, let's leave that story firmly in the past." "Anyway, you should just do it. Mr. Vega sounds like he could really use the help, plus you get to hang out with cool fish." "What, are you worried that a whale is gonna pop out of the touch tank and swallow you whole?" "Don't you put fear in my heart." "Well, do they have penguins there?" "Yes, they have penguins there." "Then it's settled. Penguins outweigh fear of ocean."I sit back down at the computer and let Hugo know that I'm available. He tells me to meet him at the aquarium and gives me the address. I grab my keys and kiss Amanda on the forehead before I head out.    "I'm so glad you're here." "Hugo!" "It's been a debacle all morning. We're shorthanded and most of the kids won't stop screaming, as I'm sure you know is the case with all middle schoolers." "I lived through Amanda at twelve. I'm all too familiar." "Great, well it's you and me chaperoning a group of ten kids. They're over here."That actually seems like a very small group, but okay. Hugo walks me over to a gaggle of preteens who are all sitting on the ground, playing with their phones. They're not kicking each other like some of the other groups, so we're off to a good start. We absolutely cannot have the middle schoolers inconveniently interrupt this Only one child will be illustrated during this date.  "Can you guys put your phones away?"All of the kids look up for a moment to stare at Hugo. They then go back to texting.   "Too quiet. These guys are up to something, I can feel it." "There's no way, they're too busy thinking about not getting food stuck in their braces to pull any stunts. It's middle school, after all." "We'll see." "These are due at the end of the field trip. Yes, this will be for a grade, no, you can't borrow a pencil."The kids collectively groan and grab the sheets from Hugo. "What's in the packet?" "Honestly, it's just busywork so that the teachers can have a moment's reprieve. I think one of the questions asks them to sit quietly for 10 minutes to think about the Great Barrier Reef." "Teacher hacks. I like that."Wait, I thought you were an english teacher. What does the aquarium have to do with books?"  "We just did a unit on The Old Man and the Sea. Nothing quite like introducing kids to the futile perseverance of the human spirit by making them pet stingrays." "It gives us time to check out some of the exhibits as well. Come on, they have a phenomenal selection of tropical fish." "That right there is a lionfish. Did you know that their stomachs can expand up to thirty times in size?"Whoa. "Their spines are venomous, too." "Nature is hardcore." "You think that's bad? Take a look at this one over here."Hugo points to a spiny, grumpy-looking fish hanging out near the bottom of the tank. "That's a stonefish. The most venomous fish in the world." "And they just like, keep it here?" "Oh, they're relatively harmless so long as you don't step on them." "What happens if you step on them?" "Tissue necrosis." "...Cool." "Nature is wild."Man, Hugo seems to know a lot about fish. I feel the overwhelming need to impress him. "Hey, see that fish over there?" "That one?" "Yeah, that's the..."  "Did you know that..." "...this fish openly supports the legalization of marijuana." "Times are changing, man." "Wait, are you serious?" "I'm playing it for the gag here." We lead the kids to another room. Sharks, sea turtles, eels, and other marine life swim around in a massive, floor-to ceiling aquarium. The kids begin trying to take selfies with the sharks. Hugo leaves my side to separate two kids who started fighting over a Capri Sun. I walk around the room, reading the tiny little blurbs about different fish swimming inside of the enclosure. After a while, I look around and see Hugo again. He's gazing up at the aquarium in childlike wonder. The ripples in the water cast blue, moving shadows across his face. For someone surrounded by angry, hormonal preteens, he looks completely peaceful. He looks really cute in this light. I hope he doesn't notice me staring. Hugo: "Wow..." I walk over to join him. "Beautiful, isn't it?" "A great many mysteries lie in the ocean. It truly is fascinating to be able to observe it in a setting such as this." "a very astute point, John."We stand together for a moment, admiring the wonders of marine life.  I stand around the edges of the tank and keep a wary distance from the sea life. Who knows what kind of nefarious plans those horseshoe crabs have for my well-moisturized hands? Hugo rolls up his sleeve and sticks his hand in the water. "Don't you want to pet some rays, John?" "Oh, I think I'm good. I don't really... I think I should just stay over here and admire them from a respectable distance." "Come on, it'll be fun. And informative." "Don't make fun of me, but... I'm scared to touch them. I get weird when there's no glass separating us."I don't know what any of those things are but I get the feeling they will probably bite me and my delicious hands if given the chance." "Nothing in this tank can hurt you. The stingrays have had their barbs removed, the horseshoe crabs only eat little clams, and the anemones are perfectly safe to touch."Against my better judgment I approach the tank. Slowly dipping my hand into the cold water, I touch a stingray as it glides past me. "See? Not so bad."In romance, this entire plot beat is a crucial point where you start to see how the romantic leads can be good for each other. Hugo needs someone reliable; Thread Dad needs someone he can be vulnerable with and who can help him with his anxieties. "It feels like fun slimy leather." I dive my hand back into the touch tank with a renewed vigor for ocean life. I poke at some urchins and feel the hard carapace of a horseshoe crab. My hand brushes against Hugo's as we reach for the same anemone. I pull away, blushing. We blush an awful lot, though. Hugo smiles at me. "Hey, you're supposed to be touching the fish." "Sorry, I just get a little carried away somet--" "Wait. That girl over there looks suspicious." "Why's that?" "Are backpacks usually that wet? Hold on." Hugo runs after a middle schooler and catches her before she can make it to the exit. Hugo: "Wanna tell me what's in the bag?" Susan: "Uh... textbooks?" Hugo: "Wanna tell me what's really in the bag?" Susan won't budge. I walk over to Hugo and the girl. I think he might need a bad cop.   More pink hearts explode from Hugo's back when we choose this option... "Whatever it is, it goes back into the touch tank. Now."Susan: "You're not a teacher. You can't tell me what to do." "Yes, well, I am. Can you please put the bag down." "Next time we won't say please."Susan glares at Hugo for a moment before dropping her bookbag on the floor. It lands with a wet slap. We stare at it for a moment before it starts to move.  She gives us a disapproving look. "Jesus Susan, what was your plan?"Susan: I was trying to free him. "To where? Outside? Where he was gonna die?" "Susan, go back to your group. We'll discuss this later." "Yeah. And hands where we can see 'em."Susan sulks off, leaving me alone with Hugo. He gives me a pat on the shoulder. "Middle schoolers have sticky hands. I doubt that's the first time that's happened here." Next time: Part 2 I'm giving the optimal answers for Hugo during this first date, but the thread will have a chance to decide if this practice continues in the future! POOL IS CLOSED fucked around with this message at 17:45 on Apr 9, 2018 |
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Mar 28, 2018 19:48
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But is the backpack fish gay? We have a right to know!
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Mar 28, 2018 21:13
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Horrible Lurkbeast posted:But is the backpack fish gay? We have a right to know! If all the frogs are gay because of the water, then surely the entire ocean is, too.
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Mar 28, 2018 21:18
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Punch that kid, dad. Show her what happens when you mess with romantic dates in the aquarium.
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Mar 28, 2018 23:36
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Surely a fish slap is more appropriate for the occasion.
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Mar 28, 2018 23:59
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Horrible Lurkbeast posted:Surely a fish slap is more appropriate for the occasion.  ?
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Mar 29, 2018 00:12
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crab gay, so what
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Mar 29, 2018 01:57
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POOL IS CLOSED posted:
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Mar 30, 2018 13:29
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Heck, I'd love to fix it, but I can't successfully edit the update right now. Forums dead, so what
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Mar 30, 2018 17:12
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Wait until the little light changes from DEAD to GAY and then try again.
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Mar 30, 2018 17:24
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Update 20: Asiago Getter Part 2 Dad Tip #4: Stand up for yourself - don't let anyone else disrespect you.  "Look over here."Hugo points so [sic] some seahorses gathered at the bottom of a tank. One of them is in the middle of giving birth. Usually I don't sic poo poo, but that one's not my typo! "That's actually the male seahorse. Sort of takes fatherhood to a new level, doesn't it?"Hey kids, come check this out! There's a male seahorse giving birth." A low murmur from the students. They just jump back on their phones. "Fun fact: male seahorses can even give birth and then get pregnant in the same day." "Man, we thought we had it hard." "You seem to know a lot about marine life, Hugo." "It's not really my specialty. But I do make a point to learn as much as possible whenever I can."I think that learning shouldn't end when you leave school. We should challenge ourselves to find out more about the things we don't understand every day of our lives. Because if you stop learning, I don't think you'll ever be able to grow or change as a person." "Good point."But I still don't trust the ocean." "We'll get there."We finally make our way over to my favorite part of the tour: the Arctic exhibit. "Do we get to see the penguins?" "Yes, we get to see the penguins."...Hell yes.  For at least a few moments, teachers, chaperones, and students alike seem to be having a great time. What was I so worried about. This isn't too bad. Hugo suddenly grabs my arm. "Oh my god, there's a student in the penguin enclosure."WAIT JUST KIDDING IT'S VERY BAD. "Is it one of ours?" "It most certainly is. Molly Henderson. Susan's friend."I look over to the penguins and see a determined-looking kid crouching behind a rock. She's hiding just out of sight of one of the employees.  "We gotta stop her before the staff sees and bans our school for life."Hugo looks around. "I'll create a distraction."Hugo runs toward the puffin exhibit and addresses the entire room.  The whole room turns toward Hugo. "Um." "Here's a few facts I bet you didn't know about penguins."Everybody just stares at Hugo, confused. Well, this is my shot. I run into the enclosure and am greeted by a cold blast of air. "Psst. Hey!"The girl whips around to look at me. Her nose is pink from the cold. I wish they'd illustrated this scene. "You can't be in here!"Molly: "Neither can you!" I try to walk over to the girl, but the ground is so icy that I just end up slipping. I catch myself before I hit the ground, but the girl still laughs at me.  "So I can understand some confusion when we're discussing the... bird-ness of penguins."The crowd is still somehow enraptured. "Kid, what are you even doing?"Molly: "I'm letting the penguins go. They deserve freedom! "Where are they even going to go?"Molly: "They're gonna live in my closet." "Look, I just don't even have time to argue about this. We gotta get out of here."Molly: "Not until I save a penguin." "Little known fact is that Penguins only live in cold climates."Uh... with some exceptions. So they don't all live in cold climates if you're splitting hairs here. "Did I mention that they don't fly?" The crowd is starting to lose interest. I'm running out of time.  "I will give you $20 right now if you leave with me."Molly thinks for a second. Molly: "Okay, well give it to me right now." I reach into my pocket and pull out everything I have, examining each bill. "Okay, well I have $12 and some change. Also there's a button here. Is that enough?"Molly: "Pay me the other 8 later and we have a deal." We move to shake on our arrangement before I suddenly realize there's a wave of penguins on their way out of the enclosure. We're gonna have to block these birds. The following minigame is... dumb.   You control this hand, pushing penguins away. They bounce around the screen. Whatever determines the bouncing has no relationship with reality.  Just imagine a couple minutes of me mashing buttons to make blue hands fly around at masses of penguins. When they're all clustered like this, pushing head on doesn't work well, but there's not a lot you can do to improve your shoving technique. Just spam hands.  The game abruptly turns into you flinging fists of cash. I don't know. It's chaos and it's actually just not fun. There's not a lot of feedback.  Three horrible purple penguins escape too fast to be seen. They also don't respect the actual boundary of the door. Fortunately, that doesn't make Hugo like us less.    "And that's why I think that Penguins are one of the best animals in the world."A few people in the audience clap out of a sense of duty. Everybody starts dispersing. Hugo spots us from across the way and runs over. "Molly, what were you doing in there!"Molly: "I was liberating animals, Mr. Vega." "You realize that the penguins can only survive in arctic temperatures, right? You would have had a dead penguin on your hands."Molly: "Well... um... it was the thought that counts." "No, Molly, it wasn't."Molly turns to me. Molly: "You owe me $8." "What?" "Just... I'll pay you later, kid."Molly runs off toward Susan, I suppose so that they can compare Animal Thief notes. All this is the continued "show the audience how the couple would be good together" thing, with a minor crisis tossed in. Of course, from the cookout scene, we also know Hugo has other problems -- like whatever's going on with his son. How would Thread Dad figure into that?  "John, did you just bribe a child?" "It was the only way to get her out of the exhibit. I'm not proud of what I've done."Hearts spew out of Hugo and vanish before his lines finish popping up. "I'm not proud of it either. Or of my Penguin Facts™ lecture. But at least we got her out."Let's just get through the day and get out of here."  As we leave the aquarium and the kids load onto the buses, Hugo pulls me aside. "Hey, John, thank you so much for helping out today. You're a lifesaver." "It was no problem. It was actually kinda fun." "Let me take you out next time to make it up to you. You like cheese boards?"This time, he explodes into hearts, eggplants, and ... sweat drops. Hugo is aroused by cheese, I take it. "Great. Well, I gotta go make sure the kids don't steal anything else. See you around." "Hmm, I wonder where the Panda's at."Before I know it, Amanda pops in through the front door.  "Just doin' some homework. How was the aquarium?" "It was... an adventure. Some kid tried to steal a penguin." "We've all been there." "I had to run in and grab her before any of the employees saw." "You got to go into the penguin enclosure?? Did you steal a penguin for us?" "Amanda, no penguins were stolen thanks to the valiant efforts of myself and Mr. Vega."It was nice getting to spend some time with Hugo, though." "I'm surprised he helped complete a covert op. He's usually kind of a..." "Kind of a stick in the mud?" "He's actually pretty cool. I had a good time with him."Alright, too much adventure for me today. I'm gonna go rest my eyes." "You mean take a nap?" "There's a difference. You'll learn when you become a father." Next time: ??? So, are we gonna take Hugo up on that dinner offer?
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Apr 9, 2018 17:45
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I can't refuse that face.
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Apr 9, 2018 17:56
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Nobody post the daddy is my pockets thing. e. vvv Remain pure of heart. POOL IS CLOSED fucked around with this message at 18:00 on Apr 9, 2018 |
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Apr 9, 2018 17:58
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Apr 9, 2018 17:58
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That aquarium seems to be having trouble deciding whether they have puffins or penguins on display. A shameful aquarium.
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Apr 9, 2018 18:19
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Of course we gotta cheeseboard. But this game is very silly.
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Apr 9, 2018 18:44
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PENGUINS LIVE IN THE ANTARCTIC NOT THE ARCTIC THIS IS A SHAMEFUL BLIGHT UPON THIS GAY DAD DATING SIM Capslock for comedic value aside, Hugo is my favorite dad so far, so it's kind of sad that they didn't really seem to do much editing of this section. e: do you still have to do the minigame if you don't bribe the child
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Apr 9, 2018 19:20
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Is cheeseboarding like waterboarding?
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Apr 9, 2018 21:29
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Carbon dioxide posted:Is cheeseboarding like waterboarding? It's like kiteboarding, but with cheeses.
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Apr 9, 2018 21:38
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No, it's like surfboarding, except on the moon- which is made of cheese
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Apr 9, 2018 23:26
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I don't understand that last image. Is this a RPG? Did you fail to level up any of Hugo's stats in your quest for love?
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Apr 10, 2018 01:17
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The lack of scientific accuracy and continuity with regards to the whole puffin/penguin arctic/antarctic issue has ruined my immersion in this dad, gay dating simulator. Voted 1 and unsubscribed.
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Apr 10, 2018 01:26
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It's also caused me a ton of pain, Guine 
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Apr 10, 2018 01:40
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Molly wants that Cheddar!
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Apr 10, 2018 02:12
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Leraika posted:PENGUINS LIVE IN THE ANTARCTIC NOT THE ARCTIC Alas, you still end up bribing her. The choice is kind of a false one? I think choosing the bribe option straight away may give you extra points with Hugo, but that's about it. Blaze Dragon posted:I don't understand that last image. Is this a RPG? Did you fail to level up any of Hugo's stats in your quest for love? We'll get into it, but the answers you give to the various questions during Hugo's (or any daddy's) scenes give varying levels of brownie points that determine your success at wooing.  Also y'all gotta tell me if we're following up on this cheesesurfing thing!
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Apr 10, 2018 18:16
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YES to cheesesurfing.
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Apr 10, 2018 21:03
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POOL IS CLOSED posted:
Of course we are. Hang ten on the Tyrolean Gray.
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Apr 10, 2018 21:07
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| # ? May 4, 2024 23:46 |
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POOL IS CLOSED posted:Also y'all gotta tell me if we're following up on this cheesesurfing thing! Better brielieve it.
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Apr 12, 2018 11:39
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