Wikipedia nerds posted:

He aroused further discontent when he married the Vestal Virgin Aquilia Severa, claiming the marriage would produce "godlike children". This was a flagrant breach of Roman law and tradition, which held that any Vestal found to have engaged in sexual intercourse was to be buried alive.

...

In order to become the high priest of his new religion, Elagabalus had himself circumcised. He forced senators to watch while he danced around the altar of Deus Sol Invictus to the accompaniment of drums and cymbals. Each summer solstice he held a festival dedicated to the god, which became popular with the masses because of the free food distributed on these occasions. During this festival, Elagabalus placed the Emesa stone on a chariot adorned with gold and jewels, which he paraded through the city:

ancient nerds posted:

A six horse chariot carried the divinity, the horses huge and flawlessly white, with expensive gold fittings and rich ornaments. No one held the reins, and no one rode in the chariot; the vehicle was escorted as if the god himself were the charioteer. Elagabalus ran backward in front of the chariot, facing the god and holding the horses' reins. He made the whole journey in this reverse fashion, looking up into the face of his god.

The most sacred relics from the Roman religion were transferred from their respective shrines to the Elagabalium, including the emblem of the Great Mother, the fire of Vesta, the Shields of the Salii, and the Palladium, so that no other god could be worshipped except in association with Elagabal.

Mr.Tophat posted:

Canti Busti Krusti

a hole-y ghost posted:

busty krusty?

Nooner posted:

romans were into boy loving a lot so i bet theywould have made great mods. also the last romans got rekt by the muslims which is kinda like we the rest of the western society are getting rekt now lol poo poo

Nooner posted:

romans were into boy loving a lot so i bet theywould have made great mods. also the last romans got rekt by the muslims which is kinda like we the rest of the western society are getting rekt now lol poo poo

quote:

The Augustan History claims that he also married a man named Zoticus, an athlete from Smyrna, in a public ceremony at Rome.[51] Cassius Dio reported that Elagabalus would paint his eyes, epilate his body hair and wear wigs before prostituting himself in taverns, brothels,[52] and even in the imperial palace:

Finally, he set aside a room in the palace and there committed his indecencies, always standing nude at the door of the room, as the harlots do, and shaking the curtain which hung from gold rings, while in a soft and melting voice he solicited the passers-by. There were, of course, men who had been specially instructed to play their part. For, as in other matters, so in this business, too, he had numerous agents who sought out those who could best please him by their foulness. He would collect money from his patrons and give himself airs over his gains; he would also dispute with his associates in this shameful occupation, claiming that he had more lovers than they and took in more money.[53]

Herodian commented that Elagabalus enhanced his natural good looks by the regular application of cosmetics.[45] He was described as having been "delighted to be called the mistress, the wife, the queen of Hierocles" and was reported to have offered vast sums of money to any physician who could equip him with female genitalia.[39]

a hole-y ghost posted:

busty krusty?

Terrific Accident posted:

I often wonder how much history is accurate and how much of it is poo poo talking someone wrote down to ruin somebody else's reputation in the future.

Terrific Accident posted:

I often wonder how much history is accurate and how much of it is poo poo talking someone wrote down to ruin somebody else's reputation in the future. Some guy is going to write that I'm a fat gay nerd but they might write some false things too

That Robot posted:

This thread matches the category cos this is definitely in classical studies territory.

The Roman Empire had several emperors during its existence, including some shrimpy nerd-looking guys.

For instance, here is Elagabalus, who reigned for four years before killed by his own boyguards because lol:

quote:

Caligula considered Chaerea effeminate because of a weak voice and for not being firm with tax collection. Caligula would mock Chaerea with names like "Priapus" and "Venus".

quote:

Once, at some games at which he was presiding, he ordered his guards to throw an entire section of the audience into the arena during the intermission to be eaten by the wild beasts because there were no prisoners to be used and he was bored

quote:

They state he sent troops on illogical military exercises, turned the palace into a brothel, and, most famously, planned or promised to make his horse, Incitatus, a consul, and actually appointed him a priest.

Tinfoil Papercut posted:

Caligula was pretty funny, imo

skasion posted:

The first one is even funnier because Chaerea was the guy who eventually murdered him

Terrific Accident posted:

I often wonder how much history is accurate and how much of it is poo poo talking someone wrote down to ruin somebody else's reputation in the future. Some guy is going to write that I'm a fat gay nerd but they might write some false things too

Neurosis posted:

this is some good poo poo op thanks.

skasion posted:

The nerdiest emperor was probably Julian. He was basically under house arrest for his entire youth because his uncle Constantius had murdered most of their other relatives and didn't trust him. So he had no friends except his tutors and studied really hard and became an edgy philosophy major and grew a really ugly neck beard. Then all of Constantius' remaining relatives died (because Constantius killed them basically) and he decided he needed Julian to take care of France while he did the ruling elsewhere. Eventually Constantius died and Julian set about trying to recreate the glory of Rome like he had read about it in the history books. This meant being a pagan civil leader who was first among the equals of the aristocracy and left administration to local government instead of a Christian absolutist warlord with a giant bureaucracy. Nobody liked it.

He moved to Antioch to try and fix poo poo up there, but the locals thought he was an undignified douche with lovely facial hair, so he wrote a very sarcastic book called "The Beard Hater" about how everyone who didn't like him was just superficial and couldn't see that he was really a nice guy deep down. He then invaded Iraq, hosed it up and got killed, possibly without ever having had sex.

skasion posted:

The nerdiest emperor was probably Julian. He was basically under house arrest for his entire youth because his uncle Constantius had murdered most of their other relatives and didn't trust him. So he had no friends except his tutors and studied really hard and became an edgy philosophy major and grew a really ugly neck beard. Then all of Constantius' remaining relatives died (because Constantius killed them basically) and he decided he needed Julian to take care of France while he did the ruling elsewhere. Eventually Constantius died and Julian set about trying to recreate the glory of Rome like he had read about it in the history books. This meant being a pagan civil leader who was first among the equals of the aristocracy and left administration to local government instead of a Christian absolutist warlord with a giant bureaucracy. Nobody liked it.

He moved to Antioch to try and fix poo poo up there, but the locals thought he was an undignified douche with lovely facial hair, so he wrote a very sarcastic book called "The Beard Hater" about how everyone who didn't like him was just superficial and couldn't see that he was really a nice guy deep down. He then invaded Iraq, hosed it up and got killed, possibly without ever having had sex.

Incitatus posted:

That Robot posted:

im glad ppl liked this thread

i can make a bunch of threads about history and hosed up stuff in antiquity if folks would be interested

That Robot posted:

For instance, here is Elagabalus, who reigned for four years before killed by his own boyguards because lol:

Trump.mp4 posted:

lol look at that little poo poo what took them so long?

Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:

I know Augustus was probably poisoned/killed by his loving wife because they were like a Roman House of Cards Kevin spacey style power couple

Octavius / Caesar Augustus is Kevin spacey in my mind