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Are you tired of your juice coming in a bottle that you have to open? Do you have an endless thirst for fresh tortillas at all hours of the day and night? DO YOU JUST HAVE TOO MUCH drat SPACE ON YOUR COUNTERS? Fret not, good backer, because we have the means to fill every desire you didn't know you had! Your grandmother had one soup pot and a cast iron skillet to cook with her entire life, but that poo poo's old. Bring in the new poo poo! JUISIR: Fresh juice for the rest of us Lots of people were disappointed that the $400 Juicero machine meant to give you fresh juice at the touch of a button (after buying, receiving, and loading a bag of specially formulated juicer-fuel, that is) folded after getting shitloads of negative press for being "a machine that squeezes a bag with the same force that a dork squeezes his anime body pillow," but God drat if the guys at JUISIR don't have you covered! Launched in January of 2017, JUISIR is literally just a bag-squeezing machine, designed to take the work out of "home-juicing" which I assume is some kind of advanced sex manuever. With a suggested retail price of  $800 USD this hunk of plastic and brushed aluminum is sure to break down after your fourth or fifth cup of disappointing fruit pulp! They do have one advantage over ol' Juicero though - you can at least pack your own lovely fruit into the squeeze bag!https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1793272089/juisir-juicing-without-the-cleaning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBj-SMpMzZ4 FLATEV: A Keurig for tortillas?! Here's a problem you didn't even know you had: YOUR TORTILLAS ARE loving WEAK, DAWG! Yeah that's right, you thought you could get away with those twelve-for-a-dollar tortillas from the store? Not anymore, baby! Now you just need to fire up your FLATEV, and have fresh (tiny) tortillas at the touch of a button! Simply pop in a pod, dial in all your settings, and wait while your single tortilla is unceremoniously farted out into the special warmed storage drawer! Single serving tortillas are perfect for taco nights or being a racist at a halloween party, because it only takes several minutes per serving and who doesn't love waiting around to make a single taco?! Because FLATEV has aped Keurig's business model, make sure you stock up on loving TORTILLA PODS (I wish I was joking) in various flavors and varieties - cinnamon tortillas for breakfast every day! Your kids will love it, and definitely not use the huge bulky machine to brain you once it gets clogged with tortilla dough! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1104354043/the-artisan-tortilla-maker https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stTzLmoStsU Cave Kettle: It's like a pot, but way more complicated! Your wonderful, loving grandmother used to make soup stock in a big pot on the stove, humming sweetly while the broth bubbled away all day. Your mom used to go pick up those boxes of premade stock at the store. Both of them were IDIOT PIGFUCKER MORONS. Now, utilizing the fantastic future technology of a self-heating kettle and some kind of propeller, I guess, you can have "bone broth" (which I assume is some kind of advanced sex maneuver) ready at the touch of a button - assuming you come back and touch the button again after the hour this thing takes to kick up some tepid cow tea. That's right, never use your stockpot again you idiots, this is the loving future. Simply add all the normal poo poo you'd put into stock into this small countertop thingamajig, press the go button, and then I guess go do some other stupid poo poo while this thing cooks! For $100 you get a mostly useless blend of a crock-pot and a blender that will churn out a small amount of broth for you to drink out of a mason jar or whatever the gently caress weirdo crossfit millenials do with soup. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/cavekettle/cave-kettle-worlds-first-bone-broth-maker?ref=category_popular https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mL6WkpwQ1c Beet Wagon fucked around with this message at 14:00 on Sep 28, 2017 |
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Sep 28, 2017 13:56
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I had to see it to believe it. A kettle dedicated to goddamn broths. You can just hear the narrators utter contempt of stock cubes or condensed soup. "UGH, dehydrating soup? What are you, an animal?!?" Edit: "It makes bone broth just the way our ancestors would have!" loving  . Now you too can live like your ancestors did and die at the ripe old age of 28!
Nanako the Narc fucked around with this message at 15:37 on Sep 28, 2017 |
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Sep 28, 2017 15:34
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Hey everyone, check me out, I'm living like a CAVEMAN by using a machine that makes me "bone broth" whenever I want! Sidenote, god drat something about the phrase "bone broth" really bothers me after watching that video. Just call it stock, you loving nerd.
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Sep 28, 2017 15:54
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8 tons of force will be perfect when someone's dumb enough to leave their hand in there. As for the Cave Kettle, spend the $100 on a loving Insta Pot. It works better and you can use it for tons of other more awesome things. Like Chili.
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Sep 28, 2017 17:35
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I'm guessing half of those $800 per machine are going to be quietly stashed away in anticipation of the inevitable lawsuit when a kid puts their hand in and is permanently maimed. Also if the top of the bag isn't sealed, wouldn't the top also spurt out juice as it gets crushed? And if you're going to reuse the bag surely you'll have to wash the bag, right?
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Sep 28, 2017 17:57
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that juice machine would own if it played a sound clip of robert plant singing about juice running down his leg lmao anyway my submission from the PYF kickshart thread   https://www.crowdzu.com/funding/campaigns/19/wokmon/ https://www.wokmon.com/ Take a decent idea, over 20k in funding and completely gently caress it up by not getting anything done! 3 years later and nobody has one of these in their hands yet facebook group where you can see updates about "look at boxes on a pallet which should be shipped soon" every 5 months! https://www.facebook.com/thewokmon/ i'm not a backer of this but i check in every 3 months cause i thought it would be kinda neat to have one but it looks like DIY is the way to go since this guy is an idiot OBAMNA PHONE fucked around with this message at 21:01 on Sep 28, 2017 |
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Sep 28, 2017 20:57
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My mother has a soup maker thing, and she loves it - fling leftovers and stock in, set a timer for when you want delicious soup, come back then and you press a button and soup comes out. Yes making soup is simple, but when you're as lazy as my mother and love soup it's great. I know it's not quite the same thing, but the essential concept seems the same. That tortilla thing is hilarious - it's bigger than my bread maker - you could get a bread maker, enough ingredientsfor about 50 tortilla, get it to knead the dough for you and make them with far less effort and about 1/50th the cost than this retarded thing. I can see it being useful if you just want one or two tiny tortilla per day, but who the gently caress does that?
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Sep 28, 2017 22:35
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I hate the phrase "bone broth" so much. Do people think regular broth isn't made with bones or something?
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Sep 29, 2017 00:32
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I eat cold soup from the can
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Sep 29, 2017 00:40
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You know what else you can make broth with? A plain old fuckin' pot and stove like you probably already have. I mean, you boil some poo poo for a while. It ain't hard There, I just saved you the expected MSRP of $218
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Sep 29, 2017 00:45
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Foo Diddley posted:You know what else you can make broth with? A plain old fuckin' pot and stove like you probably already have. I mean, you boil some poo poo for a while. It ain't hard
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Sep 29, 2017 01:26
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FactsAreUseless posted:Listen buddy, this isn't just stock, it's mother-flipping BONE BROTH. You don't just cook some meat bones and veg in a pot. You cook some meat bones for a really long time. Do you GET IT NOW!?!!?!!?!? Well now that you put it like that, I guess I do need a cave kettle
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Sep 29, 2017 01:53
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waiting patiently on my BONE BROTH gangtag, while I also wait for a $200 machine to heat up some water and soup bones.
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Sep 29, 2017 02:12
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I love medieval medicine and foods. I think life over 30 is pretty much overrated. I think somebody needs to kickstart a "leeches are healthy" medical system and these guys can all work together. They could even get some of the desperate cast from Game of Thrones to pop in and do a thing because they are addicted to kickstarter money.
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Sep 29, 2017 03:14
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cynic posted:My mother has a soup maker thing, and she loves it - fling leftovers and stock in, set a timer for when you want delicious soup, come back then and you press a button and soup comes out. Yes making soup is simple, but when you're as lazy as my mother and love soup it's great. I know it's not quite the same thing, but the essential concept seems the same. That's the point, innit, a gadget to do basically the same thing but better already exists, don't need to kickstart some bullshit overpriced version of something that's widely available in like a million different makes and models quote:I love medieval medicine and foods. I think life over 30 is pretty much overrated. I think somebody needs to kickstart a "leeches are healthy" medical system and these guys can all work together.  Leeches are actually super awesome and used in some forms of modern surgery where promoting blood flow and removing pooling blood is importanthttp://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3858087.stm Fatkraken fucked around with this message at 12:21 on Sep 29, 2017 |
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Sep 29, 2017 12:18
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peter gabriel posted:I eat cold soup from the can I cook twigs and insect grubs in a stone pot just like my neolithic ancestors did, get on my level, scrub. 
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Sep 29, 2017 15:18
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BraveUlysses posted:that juice machine would own if it played a sound clip of robert plant singing about juice running down his leg lmao The hosed up thing about this one is this is something I'd actually buy and it seems really easy to produce. I mean poo poo, J. Kenji Lopez-Alt apparently gave it his seal of approval. These guys should be in every Bed Bath & Beyond in America.
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Sep 29, 2017 17:27
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If I wanted bone broth I'd dip my dick in a bowl of Juicero backer tears for 5 minutes.
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Sep 29, 2017 20:09
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Beet Wagon posted:The hosed up thing about this one is this is something I'd actually buy and it seems really easy to produce. I mean poo poo, J. Kenji Lopez-Alt apparently gave it his seal of approval. These guys should be in every Bed Bath & Beyond in America. yup, it's the product of someone who has clearly never worked in manufacturing and decided to sperg on details instead of getting the product out. i think it's easy enough to replicate that i'm just going to cut up a stainless bowl and use that instead.
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Sep 29, 2017 21:45
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Latin Pheonix posted:I had to see it to believe it. A kettle dedicated to goddamn broths. You can just hear the narrators utter contempt of stock cubes or condensed soup. Bouillon cubes? Those aren't LOCAL
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Sep 29, 2017 23:41
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I can't believe they have the nerve to list "eliminates food waste" as a plus for the tortilla maker thing. It eliminates food waste, just ignore the jumbo sized plastic keurig pod you're throwing away for every tiny tortilla. And i dunno about the rest of you but we never have leftover tortillas anyways. Christ what a dumb loving thing.
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Sep 30, 2017 01:20
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gently caress any person who says loving "bone broth," Jesus Christ.
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Sep 30, 2017 05:38
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muscles like this! posted:Bouillon cubes? Those aren't LOCAL Buying at your local market? Ugh, casuals. I hand-rear my own cattle in my living room. 
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Sep 30, 2017 11:16
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The only valid uses for the Cave Kettle are: a) Passive-aggressive housewarming/wedding present b) White elephant gift exchange parties
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Sep 30, 2017 14:14
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Golli posted:The only valid uses for the Cave Kettle are: c) legitimately making this dude happy as gently caress: 
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Sep 30, 2017 16:46
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That dude doesn't deserve happiness.
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Sep 30, 2017 20:56
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I give you... ALCHEMA https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/alchema/alchema-turn-fruit-into-personalized-craft-cider Somewhere between "throwing your rotten fruit away" and "getting blasted on rubbing alcohol," there exists a magical fantasy land in which you can utilize those expensive-rear end pomegranates your kids won't eat to get ripped in the middle of the day! ALCHEMA is your own personal small-batch cider maker! Simply add fruit, sugar, and water of your own choosing, pop in one of the handy yeast packets, and then let that poo poo hang out on your counter for a week (or 16) and entertain your friends with your own terrible Cidre!  ALCHEMA is actually kind of a cool idea until you realize they're shooting for a mostly unattainable millenial ideal - one in which you have infinite free time and money to spend on fresh fruits for your hyper-advanced five gallon bucket, and not the far more realistic scenario in which you drunkenly stuff a bunch of old moldy bananas in the thing and frantically push the button before stumbling into your bathroom to polish off the mouthwash and pass out in the shower.
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Oct 2, 2017 13:17
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It's pronounced torrr-tiyah.
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Oct 2, 2017 13:50
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GonSmithe posted:gently caress any person who says loving "bone broth," Jesus Christ. What if I say it ironically?
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Oct 2, 2017 16:57
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Beet Wagon posted:I give you... ALCHEMA Can't wait to get my Kickstarter Kitchen together so I can invite my friends over for a meal they'll never forget: "Hey remember that time Foo invited us over and all he had was 'bone broth' and prison hooch?" Anyway, ten seconds in Google reveals that you can get a five gallon fermenting jug for $40. It doesn't have an LED status indicator, so you'll have to figure out when a couple of weeks have passed on your own, but it's a much cheaper way to learn why Random Fruit Cider is only popular among prison inmates
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Oct 2, 2017 18:08
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Pretty sure the bucket-wine my room-mate and I used to make cost all of ten bucks in equipment, but that's probably why I'm not raking in shitloads of kickstarterbux.
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Oct 2, 2017 18:16
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Beet Wagon posted:I give you... ALCHEMA Finally! An easy way to get botulism poisoning from the comfort of my own home! 
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Oct 3, 2017 00:52
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BraveUlysses posted:that juice machine would own if it played a sound clip of robert plant singing about juice running down his leg lmao What the gently caress kind of idiot can't somehow produce a folded piece of sheet metal that people actually gave him money to make? What's the excuse? Especially if you farmed it out to china  this wouldn't even be that difficult to do in your garage, spend the kickstarter money on a laser cutter, roll former, and spot welder. In the process of even researching this, lmao because of course: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1294137530/the-first-desktop-waterjet-cutter/updates
Justin Tyme fucked around with this message at 01:36 on Oct 3, 2017 |
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Oct 3, 2017 01:24
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Latin Pheonix posted:Finally! An easy way to get botulism poisoning from the comfort of my own home! And you thought you were just gonna have to leave all those dented cans of mushrooms in your garage for six months, haha you IDIOT, you can get botulism for way less work (and $299)!
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Oct 3, 2017 02:44
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Justin Tyme posted:What the gently caress kind of idiot can't somehow produce a folded piece of sheet metal that people actually gave him money to make? What's the excuse? An ideas guy, that's what kind of idiot.
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Oct 3, 2017 17:32
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tortilla pods
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Oct 3, 2017 21:34
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big nipples big life posted:tortilla pods Plain White Corn Blue Corn Wheat Chili White Corn Cinnamon White Corn Wheat Chocolate Rice Vanilla Rice Honestly all they need is a "bacon and IPA" tortilla for this to be the holy grail of stupid hipster bullshit.
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Oct 5, 2017 13:57
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bacon... pods. flat pods, you slide them in horizontally and they drop down into the bacon warming tray once cooked to bacon perfection artisan edit: cartridges, not pods. single-rasher cartridges for optimum bacon quality and choice, egg pod fryer attachment sold separately, you can get a toaster that sits on top and toasts artisan single-slice bread products the bacon is the mega drive, the egg fryer is the sega cd, the toaster is the 32x, what wonders await in the nomad when they kickstart a portable bacon console 90s Cringe Rock fucked around with this message at 18:56 on Oct 5, 2017 |
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Oct 5, 2017 18:51
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90s Cringe Rock posted:bacon... 
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Oct 5, 2017 20:26
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90s Cringe Rock posted:bacon... The Jetsons was NOT a joke.
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Oct 5, 2017 22:02
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