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 post poems here please (and also crit them) apologies for the lame title, a mod can breeze by and change it if people think of anything better old thread rules apply. post context, etc in italics, and please bold the titles of your poems so we can tell when the poem starts faq: Q: I'm a total newbie to poems, should I post them here? A: yes Q: I'm an ultra level poem master 5000, should I post poems here? A: this thread is kind of more for newbies and people who aren't that good. if you're good, get anthologized or something. Q: I don't know how good I am at poetry since poetry is subjective A: good point! post away Q: I don't know dick about poetry, should I crit the poems here? A: hell yes Q: will you personally crit each poem? A: for what it's worth, i will, at least until the thread picks up steam Q: 2017 is almost over, idiot A: i didn't realize that till I posted a new thread. i really just wanted some crits for stuff I wrote. titles can change, much like time changes matter Q: does stream of consciousness writing count as poetry A: i don't know what people's tolerance is, but i personally will crit it, so sure? Q: how do I get gud at poetry A: i have no idea. i am starting on this journey myself. yes, it sucks knowing we can never be as good as poem.exe. but lets try to be good at poetry anyways edited to put my poems in the second post, edited again to put in a faq. ill throw more into the op as i think of it take the moon fucked around with this message at 17:55 on Jun 5, 2018 |
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Nov 29, 2017 08:21
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i couldnt sleep tonight so i wrote a bunch of poems. theyre terrible, kind of stream of consciousness-ey and so criticism is appreciated-hopefully you can tell where im going with these cuz i could def get there better frost ain't your veins hot today carved in the ice said i'm yours, but they told you things about rust and decay kino side split buzz mine because i'm just okay winter drift, born finished static your torso operates tryst in the snow, glow and freeze till i'm bent over torn clover saw it and just saw haze back how they told you to think, laze marks as black as their charcoal roads and cities just pick me up on screen back where we taped it, frozen in dreams globe cuck '89 starling flew past my cheek a broadcast from deep said order, please told them i wanted the glaze found his flat earth, sphere cucked born in the valley, deep hosed told him i'd always be true what could it hurt, just me and you? dragged me up and down stairs said "this pain is too much to bear" when i came to i saw ultraviolet now felt energy burst, sky it "now" whispered my blood, sighed it deep in my bones, tried it broke my arms and i couldn't swim away gausse in their own style they fell upon him like fingers crossed blotted on, "i'm gay" blotted out over moss something to say fade away into gausse till your blood turns gray Mariah's twee skips, my loss handful of dust, when they could just say oh no, you're supposed to be this way grand loves and grand fears you lit flames 'gainst the wind pulling feathers, knives only today the new flesh, new skin, new tears the cables twisted so the caps could spin said "forty bones first" and klaxons went off "do you kill aliens?" "no i hug them, bra" if you'll learn, you'll tell him to stop "i was once like you, then i started to aug" the new mutants' shackled cough is like death if you're caught before the last stop take the moon fucked around with this message at 22:45 on Nov 29, 2017 |
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Nov 29, 2017 08:24
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i liked it. toed the line between being creepy and making a point, but i think fell on the right side. makes me think of someone tied up clockwork orange style and being forced to watch talk shows on repeat. good use of soc, very observatory ("eye-contact with co-hosts only, always, hard as bullseye"). if i could change something i'd make it a bit more dreamy and less political, you approach this with phrases like "pheromones thick as fog." "how far is too far, and when no means yes," is either clever satire or too on the nose, can't decide. good title and use of.
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Dec 1, 2017 01:27
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thanks for the critiques, ill work on them and post some more later Collapse Me Collapse me Wither my lungs into A coma, set satellites to Catch the transmissions That my teeth spit out Break my spine In two, I’ll speak to The fay that orbit The meteor’s dry tail Drift me out into The ether that swims around The cold light of distant stars Meting Out Meting out the stares And razor cuts of lurking thoughts And trials of your sorrow Existing out the deluge And rotted fears of Forgotten dreams Worry out the taste of Winter in the black rashes Of your medicine take the moon fucked around with this message at 04:19 on Dec 9, 2017 |
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Dec 8, 2017 22:28
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a sense of desolation would be nice, im in a depressive phase and would like to share that the first three were designed to evoke what consciousness might be like in a cyberpunk dystopia, but they obviously dont succeed at that id like to read more poems; i really liked Last Week, Last Night, Daily and Forever and have read it a bunch of times.
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Dec 10, 2017 01:57
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nice title. maybe a bit too political? a bit too on the nose or whatever. i liked the part about an ancient owl voiced by Walter Cronkite. youre like the only person who remembers pizzagate.BananaNutkins posted:
should be a "the" in there trim the fat, maybe the more lecture-y bits like "But to attend at all means compromising reason to the point of fatal self-delusion." that sort of thing should be more subtle. take the moon fucked around with this message at 02:08 on Dec 12, 2017 |
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Dec 12, 2017 01:29
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yeah im thinking of deleting all my bad words too. posting this thread and being op of it was like a 3am decision, i wouldve posted in the old thread but it was closed. i feel very self conscious that lots of my bad words are on the internet now for what its worth i liked "scarecrow." "potato" took until the end of the second verse to really grab me one more try then i might be done disappointment it dismays creeping and scuttling across the seabed shining pearls caught in sandstorms it dissapoints spastic again i want to stay in the shower digging nails into bites forever it deepens hardening magma smoke in the air i want to roll over the sides and be lost in the tide e: im gonna check out the flame cycle actually since its goon approved and i need reading material. also wanna read more haikus take the moon fucked around with this message at 00:36 on Dec 21, 2017 |
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Dec 21, 2017 00:19
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will literally check out everything, thanks also got the first book in the flame cycle for christmas  vietnam my head is empty this jaundice it eats past recursive lines of regret and into the hopes buried deep under my heart in time flowers may grow over graves marked with ash and amber, dawn's light climbing over fern and flora until then i wait for my veins to thicken and burst with frothy tides and blood cell gristle wait forever, when i breathe my last, onrushing light tunnel caterpillars and silken rope
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Dec 29, 2017 03:45
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still trying cryptocurrency lately youve been saying without talking youve let your heartbeat quicken lost in the visceral lately ive been raking eyes with knives black nights with creased armour empty of sight lately bones have creaked more than ever dreams of domestic sickness chattel for the home please don't consume yourself don't swim in harsh tides never close your eyes to it i've been trying not to think about it lately
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Jan 3, 2018 01:15
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cerecloth break gaze because you hold hands spontane because of blown plans everyone's trying to wear each other hold fast to each other's sweaters creased and torn, don't torch the charge everyone's wrapped in pieces of each other it turns me on to reject held like a husk of someone's past hell like the way someone loves time will heal my regret dawn after dawn, the tape spools when you talk, it makes some sense
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Jan 15, 2018 18:23
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pretty good for a poem about edging. liked the first two stanzas, then it sort of slid into average and obvious, and the last stanza was kind of melodramatic. id like it more if all the stanzas were consistently surprising in the way the first two were. is the third stanza saying rehab is a prison? there are other interpretations but that seems the most likely
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Jan 25, 2018 02:11
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i dont have much to say about this other than i liked it. i like poems where i don't really "get" them but they still sound unique and interesting. i wish it didn't end with "wow" i didn't like this one as much, it reads like something i would have written. too dramatic. i don't like poems which feature a mysterious, anonymous "you" which is something i'm guilty of. the imagery of tigers and petals in rain seem too cliche for poetry. it seems like a formless, too long haiku. however its not like i hated the reading experience. it just didn't really grab me.
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Feb 6, 2018 21:20
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i dont know much about poetry either. sorry i Didn't cstch your form thanks for sharing 
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Feb 6, 2018 23:33
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Tiresias2 posted:I read your poetry like raps ideally poetry should stand on its own. that being said i like the spanish version, it sounds nice. tambien is a great word to close off, reminds me of Y Tu Mama Tambien if that was the name Tyrannosaurus posted:drat so Frank settled down in the Valley And he hung his wild years on a nail that he drove through his wife's forehead etc.
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Feb 14, 2018 17:03
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Tiresias2 posted:stuff well, i see your point. re: your poem, i was a bit dismissive. lets see if i can get a bit more Meaty. first two lines: kind of alliterative. simple words, max syllable count is two. my eyes dont really have room to slide over any words. its the opposite of prose, really, you want multysyllabic but words with smooth rhythms for maximum denseness of meaning and prettiness. that is, im no expert but i think thats how it should work. third line: im not sure what you achieve by dropping the name of the city. if youre aiming for mystery, keep the author mysterious, and save yourself some wordspace. this city name is dry. fourth line: i really like this line. because its in spanish, my brain moves to translate, and it sort of glosses over, becoming alternately the literal translation and "all affection is bad." either sentiment would be cliche on its own but together they have a dual meaning which works really well. last two lines: sound nice in spanish but literally translated are sort of aiming for a clever paradox which always falls flat. poetry is supposed to sound nice, not wittily point things out. going for the second kind of calls into question the former. Tyrannosaurus posted:a poem and got the gently caress out i wish the title was different. the best line is the fourth, it barely makes sense in an avant garde way. im not sure what the last line is for, if its a pun on the name will i dont know the context. i dont have much else to say so im sorry. i liked it though. really felt tom waitsy/vagrant legendy. otherwise thanks for critting each other guys e: valerian cannabis is a gateway drug to valerian the stars stream light a bird's wing high a match is struck sound is a gateway drug to harsh noise and discord disentegrate a parallax atlas gasping frequency is a gateway drug to radiowaves black cat static dripping wet leaves hissing summer my foggy breath heartbeat's interlude steady wide eyes cannabis is a gateway drug to valerian take the moon fucked around with this message at 19:20 on Feb 18, 2018 |
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Feb 15, 2018 08:11
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Tyrannosaurus posted:Bowied the thunderdome interprompt about explaining a joke your poems are definitely getting good. i like this a lot. bugs are recurrent, a strong theme. i like how theres a gutpunch about sexuality and how its often forced on us. the whole poem is opaque but in a way that i know theres something going on underneath. the end is amazing to me, reminds me of that one incoherent 4chan meme, and then an abrupt, unexpected closer, that kind of deepens the preceding line, as if someone is saying "right" in response to something they dont understand, but theres still an alluring ambiguity to it. xitl posted:Puzzle i get that its a joke but i think the setup is too beautiful to waste on a closing line about Sports. nefele is a really obscure reference, i looked it up and now know about where centaurs and the golden fleece come from so thank you both of you thanks for sharing e: humblebragging was here e2: typed this out today, pretty short Gave I fell again. I exhumed contra, glut and lust I drank deep, sugar and tint I aged in reverse I stayed bright lit, a child’s skin, a sketched butterfly’s wing An embryo, a dust mote I was nothing then My nails grow too fast, whisper from bone, curl and slake My boils lanced, my blisters black My neck breaks my heart take the moon fucked around with this message at 05:45 on Mar 1, 2018 |
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Feb 27, 2018 03:04
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Uglycat posted:What is this thing we've built that nobody owns? hmm okay. things i didnt like: i dont like Being told what to do lol the entire stanzas of "she is" is pretty cliche (the lightning and the thunder) the verse about making out is also pretty cliche songs by default are humansongs you have to specify when theyre not what i liked: "how many great civilizations descend from feral children?" "stain your pages with more than just ink" overall felt maybe too didactic to take me anywhere Tyrannosaurus posted:the darkness garments please keep bowieing Prompts and writing these little fragmenting things. they're really good. you dont hear the word yurt often Tiresias2 posted:I'm always on the verge of tears, hmm i'm not really fond of I ams. but i thought each stanza was surprising at the end. you play with themes and phrases in nice ways, especially the last three stanzas. i dont have much else to say about this one, but it wasnt bad, just, i think, a little too ascetic i remember what Tiresias2 said about working with form so i wrote a poem with six stanzas, six lines in each, and six syllables in each line try holding on try holding onto snow clutch it to your heartbeat keep your spine straight, follow your skin to ice, veins lorn whispering, promising to lost crystalline flakes try eating winded leaves chew them between soft teeth blossoming forsaken trust growing fast underneath soles catching on violet lips tripping over stone and branch try fasting from sadness starving from kinder souls following the unloved cutting twined and taut thread keep themselves close to you and console through final thoughts try rooting through slit minds the gleaming river eros finds blood in thicker veins flows through wild and true until you stand over waves that dash against crimson shores try finding solace here where the people weep and gnash looking through the window bared the past is winded long around these sights and sounds that flow from brighter days and God, try gouging time windswept and never heard seeking crevice and depth it follows me to lash to tear these bones apart in grace and glory lost edit: hosed up a couple lines, edited take the moon fucked around with this message at 03:00 on Mar 5, 2018 |
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Mar 4, 2018 16:51
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based on someones advice im gonna try to stay in form. wrote a terrible tera rima today Held My eyes bleed stray light Seeing the body is a curse When the skin is pale and white Still i try not to make things worse Hopeful at the shallow glance When i talk it’s always terse Silence has always been my stance Lie awake dreaming Watching deer dance We are bright, kept gleaming The misery pool is deep The bridal path trips through meaning When we take that final leap We float until we slowly yawn Ambien drifts you to sleep Every day another dawn Another life, another seeing Then the memories are gone Through all this I’ve never held my being anyway, i'll crit the last poem soon!
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Mar 15, 2018 16:49
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8 Ball posted:Early Learner i guess my criticism here is that there are some verses which dont make sense in the context of the poems surprise end theme? like the divination of illuminated entrails. if i think hard i can make it work, but its someone playing with gummy worms or something. it makes me Think but it doesnt quite all end up. however in context the rest of the verses are very strong. the fourth verse has a touch of what i was talking about but is easier to make sense of and lends the poem some Profundity. overall very strong and i Enjoyed the lines that werent connected to the overall theme. here is another bad poem in form, this one a sonnet: A Flower White All I want, I need, is a flower white But I’m still wandering through the garden My muse is as protective as a warden Guarded when she steps into blinding light Can she bring me flowers that are bleached bright? Water in winter until they harden Grip tight and tear every black stamen Until they decompose and rot from sight Then I think I’m trying to disappear This is my loss; the rhythm beats slow and lorn Anarchic, the memories I hold dear Because I've noticed paintings tend to leer Every rose petal comes with a thorn The child of earth strange as the wyrdest seer
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Mar 17, 2018 00:25
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Oh Snap i really like your stuff so keep posting no other criticism edit: some haikus for world poetry day: Long past blind children Now adults living careful In masks and catsuits The wind still rushes Forests do not let me go Beauty fades with time Patterns in starlight Ripples in space, red dwarfs burning Galaxies dying Are there arcs in life? Hunger pangs, sadness strikes, death faces Newborns are rebirth Emotionally Numb, anxious, head pressured The pain is over I cannot see time But I put honey in tea Just to feel something If i could rewind I’d go back to the bronze age And leave mournful notes Fake chrysanthemums Are varnished by machine gods To keep sight pleasant take the moon fucked around with this message at 20:08 on Mar 21, 2018 |
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Mar 21, 2018 19:18
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thanks for the crits. i always feel embarassed about this stuff 0.5 seconds after posting But that's probably the only way to get better. i attempted a villanelle today Metro Rising spires hid by smog Tbe cityscape over the ocean The concave fires the bright ruin These black rivers of curling smoke Break out, twisting around Rising spires hid by smog Synthetic shadows dance under yoke Anonymous lifetimes are not permitted in struct declarations The concave fires the bright ruin They fill the streets with the rotting to choke These are brave leaves swimming in fission Rising spires hid by smog Our subconscious faded into ashes, broke Into fragments. Hush and listen! The concave fires the bright ruin We stayed dreaming even when we woke. The coils vanishing is our mission Rising spires hid by smog The concave fires the bright ruin
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Mar 27, 2018 20:34
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okay let me give critting that a shot. first stanza: cthonic is a good word. gonna assume zeus is chronus's oldest son. i am invited to eat sounds like an obvious line after the immortal banquet one. overall the first two lines are stronger than the last two. second stanza: ruddy flesh is a good phrase. im not sure how applicable it is but it sounds good so it's worth keeping in. im no expert on persephone but didnt she get to live on earth for six months of the year? some people see their parents less than that nowadays. its sad but maybe not grievous? third stanza: i don't like this one. too cliche romantic. i think if you invoke a you you should emphazie the theme with something creative. not unromantic necessarily but more non-sequitorilly. straight romance is boring. complicated relationships with unexpected phrasing is the way to go. also i dont think eating fruit has ever ascended anyone to godhood. when yknow adam and eve did it it had the Opposite effect. also who wouldnt want to be undying regardless of whoever's side you were on. fourth stanza: better. it continues an arc set up in the first stanza. also it implies this one is permanent. overall the strongest stanza in terms of continuity. fifth stanza: underworld kiss doesnt really impress me as a phrase. i like references i dont understand as long as they sound good. i have no idea who Phleghon is but from the stanza maybe he set the styx on fire? its probably a really cool reference if you get it. overall a unique effort, thanks for sharing reworked "Frost" based on criticism from this thread Ain't your veins hot, lovely I’m yours, carved into ice The sick honey of rust and decay I’m over it, kino Now just buzz mine, i'm okay I dove into static Drowned in noise Held in the haze Drifted between cold planets The starry nights and blazing days Just pick me up onscreen Back where we taped it A midnight raven screams fright Flies against white atoms Past each shadow and into the light take the moon fucked around with this message at 16:48 on Mar 29, 2018 |
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Mar 29, 2018 16:44
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that's fair, and good advice. i'll try it your poem was nice also edit: feel ive been oversharing lately so ill try to apply all the criticism and post up when i fel i have something take the moon fucked around with this message at 00:50 on Mar 30, 2018 |
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Mar 29, 2018 21:48
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alright. i had a depressive attack and wrote this in response to your crit Taking L-Theanine to Marathon Anime I want to throw myself off floating things I want to cry again I’d rather shards of glass scrape the roof of my mouth Than watch this I’d coax out the best in me Use it for the worst Keep my eyes laced shut Rip my teeth out and throw them at birds I want to eat fish and choke on the bones An article about a happy schizo Crumpled and torn in my blue bin When my head is a mattress And my eyes are blinking slow I don’t know who I am anymore But I know I can sleep Why does everything have to be perfect For me to care take the moon fucked around with this message at 14:58 on Mar 30, 2018 |
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Mar 30, 2018 02:39
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yeah for sure. by the way i'm editing all these as i go so don't think this is wasted criticism. its all greatly appreciated will post more soon
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Mar 30, 2018 23:11
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took a break from the internet. thank you all for posting. Matte Wander through the dark Shine light underground Link arms for brightness Introspect by ash The mice slip past like lust Against slivers of art They’re forged together Bastions of fur Weave, twine red tracklight Loud voices smoking, broken I saw them interlaced Twisting in wind They rise up in parts Stand still for comfort Stand close, too pretty Stand apart, too hushed That’s when I knew The echo of tryst I found it in circles I watched it begin
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Apr 17, 2018 20:00
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Tyrannosaurus posted:the darkness garments i have had this poem stuck in my head for a while now. Extremely Good
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Apr 17, 2018 21:06
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as the new to thread posting OP i say Post Away
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Apr 23, 2018 04:30
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green tea lattes get me through the day nerve drifter a morning break in agave powder boys waking dreams, snow in spring, forest ashes the wrong talk spit lull rabid birds with burial tonics become beautiful trash stir well
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May 10, 2018 03:25
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PurdWerfect posted:Valley of crystals so this is about white noise? i like it, i can kind of relate to it right now. it kind of shift gears towards solitude which i find jarring? the last two lines are really good. PurdWerfect posted:I spring from violence, but it will not spring from me, at least outward. I will erode myself instead of tearing at another. The anger is so obviously there, and I'm in love with the idea of eating another's sins, and naming my own. I consume and am consumed by my own graceful mouth. I can live with this, loving tragedy so eloquent. The falling lifts me, and I fly in gutters crafted by the history I see, open eyed at late hours. And I am lost. And I am saved. We burn on our own, not knowing the ways we light for others. If not where, I know why I shine. Read by me. Light my way too. i don't like this one. it's too "i contain multitudes." you try to save it at the end with the "we," including human nature in your complexity, but im not sure that works. maybe you wrote it just to vent some stuff which i fully approve of.
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Jun 11, 2018 06:02
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double post but i wrote this based on a book i read y o i c k i remember manic walking tempered now white delirium he was chaining darts until he smelled like smoke snacks they dream about ice and lace up your blisters maybe i liked it better when he was in love
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Jun 11, 2018 06:09
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gatekeeper you are an a+ poster and v inspiring please keep poetrying. maybe record yrself? e for content sepia germs make me hate myself i know what it is to be filthy when i gouge white wrists in ghosts i remember saying i was sad oracles under your nails will call for your dust reach out when it's time to cleanse yourself your tears cake up before you see someone found an eclipse in their eyes but it's your skill to wash charm from your fingertips take the moon fucked around with this message at 21:54 on Jun 20, 2018 |
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Jun 20, 2018 20:02
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will try to crit those if you want how can stories be beautiful if someone doesn't fall down stairs ashes are falling windswept to find steady blades to cut and reveal them and they are chrome repeating satori girls in lotus; vampire heartbeats caffeine fusing to my spine pale stars seek lonesome worlds Callista took my wolf hands shaped to stone cast to water heavy steel spreading your seed touched and braced your garden veins curve lorn i am drowned enough take the moon fucked around with this message at 18:07 on Jul 14, 2018 |
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Jul 11, 2018 04:50
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ive never gotten iambic pentameter either i feel blank when you blank because i need blank rivers above me feel my heart through the ripples neon summers i chase the breath i never keep too late to dream myths miss my first sugar rush and i don't think i've gone between the spaces outside you she never held me like they used to but they beat my contours into place grow old without ageing fractured sleep time without you is like eating smoke
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Jul 19, 2018 23:48
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e: that sucked lol
take the moon fucked around with this message at 20:10 on Sep 3, 2018 |
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Aug 26, 2018 22:45
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^sg for a second i got so loving thirsty claimed, a raiment of moonkissed grass, stars stares are what i got when i explained how meditating works smiles yeah, broke a promise to myself tried to see it again its a shimmering cloth, rippling salt, ash they consecrate flowers with ribbons now so i restored so what resetting is transmuting blood into gold, hopefully if not silk i wore out somewhere between apathy and dislike are eyes of some colour and a word i forgot
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Sep 18, 2018 01:54
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Telephones posted:I appraise rot. i dont think anything referencing brumpf is ever art but these lines are rly good
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Oct 12, 2018 01:11
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subbing
take the moon fucked around with this message at 23:23 on Oct 31, 2018 |
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Oct 18, 2018 01:31
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as Oh Pee i say its fine, also i dont think theres any etiquette to consider is that about culture war? strong feels from it
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Oct 28, 2018 05:41
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im starting to like the aesthetic of constant poetry and short crits. i feel like i dont have a lot to offer in the crit dept tho amazing how fast i scroll to calibri we are together, the waves fast past the greeters it is so dumb to set such barriers so much to live human nature and if it's perfect ruin it that's the way things are i found god he's ironic a relic spitting paint onto fires and my nails are dead, and therapy is everywhere don't aim? just ignite flown past, flowed out into the fight someone to grieve something? im not sure how much i can take know that i give nothing and i wrote this for bodies under sand, long sought never delved for
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Oct 29, 2018 23:52
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