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Oh boy I'm normally out of my element when critting stories, I might as well be in outerspace critting words + pictures. But let's give it a shot. First off, having pictures is like sweet rear end CHEAT MODE for stories. Heck yeah , now you can use adverbs since you have the picture there. He looked around ,scared. BOOM you can display what scared looks like in the picture. Reading through your second image you have a weird tense issue. Decide if you are past tense or present tense, you flip flop between the two making the piece hard to read. You need to rewirte the second sentence of your second image. Way too many commas, way too many tense issues. Your prose is good, Im getting a sense of loneliness and enduring something from this image. Also seems we are getting a segue into weirdtown. Third image now. Again with the tense issues. Nothing came out of him, it should of come out of him because it's present tense. PICK YOUR TENSE. In fact I would go over this third image with an editor. Donkeysish insistence? Neither the elevator, neither the radior(Should be neither the elevator or the radio). The third image I dislike. You try for prose, you don't really succeed and the story gets wooo psychodelic/Silent hill. You seem to be going for some surreal thing here. Also did the elevator move? Im confused at the end of the third image. Fourth Image. Ouch, we got some major ESL stuff that I pointed out to you in IRC. Lot of badly translated sentences. So I think you are going for wonder and exploration in this image. You pull it off, but we trip over a couple bad sentences. The one Im pointing out here make sense, but are odd enough to make me pause. You threw, the rock flew upwards the light, devoured by it but not coming back. (could be rewritten to be more concise) The short suspense left you hushed. (replace suspense with moment?) There was a chink in the marble here so to speak, something was amiss here. (You repeat yourself, so choose one or the other and get rid of the other part). Im gonna pause there, but man these images are GREAT. The images look really well and serve your atmosphere and tone. Im getting what you are laying down, creepy elevator leading to some weird light in some apocalyptic thing. Your story though, is riddled with some tense issues. Overall Im getting a sense of loneliness, exploration and ascension.
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Jan 3, 2018 05:06
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| # ¿ May 9, 2024 18:56 |
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