Newspaper Spider-Man: ARRGH! She said the N-WORD!

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Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

It's a new year and Spider-Man continues to be printed in newspapers worldwide! You can go talk about his regular comic book adventures over here. THIS thread, however is about a dumber, wackier, overall more fun version of Spider-Man: the daily comic strip "The Amazing Spider-Man" by Stan "The Man" Lee and "Laughin'" Larry Lieber*. Newspaper Spider-Man features all the characters you know and love: Peter Parker, MJ (still married!), J. Jonah Jameson, Robbie, and whatever other characters Stan and Larry decide to bring in. It's run in a serial format, so every day matters! Stories generally start or at least include Peter getting hit by someone or something since his spider-sense is completely useless and also everyone seems to like hitting him, including other superheroes. He rarely actually solves the problems being presented to him, instead he tends to make them worse. Some past stories have included Peter getting smacked around by Iron Man since Newspaper Iron Man doesn't have night-vision, Peter fighting a clown named Clown-9, and Peter fighting Jameson in an old Iron Man armor - with his face projected on the front. The past year of stories had Pete and MJ start on a road trip to LA for a movie premier and adopt a beautiful trash-eating space-son along the way, fight subterranean armadillo monster Lenny, Pete break up Aunt May's wedding to the new love of her life, and then fly out to Miami, where Pete remembers his old buddy The Lizard lives now. Kurt is still trying to inject himself lizard serum but it definitely won't turn him into the Lizard this time, promise, and they manage to run into the Hulk, which brings us to today...

*Stan probably doesn't contribute a whole lot anymore, but writing is still credited to him

The current storyline involves Iron Fist, the first hero Pete has actually been able to dunk on. He even got to write a story for the Daily Bugle (as transcribed by Johnny Walker)!

quote:

IRONFIST
by Peter Parker

A masked man brought another man to a hospital last night. The other man was an FBI agent. The masked man had saved him from an attack by some other other men. These other men were bad men, according to sources. The masked man did not attack the agent and then bring him to the hospital, as initially suspected by some sources.

The masked man is called IronFist, because he has a fist that is really hard (reports say it also glows and cuts up webs somehow so those are useless against it so don't even try that). Anonymous sources say you should not punch him in the fist if you are punching him, which you shouldn't be because he was not one of the bad men who attacked the FBI agent. You might think at first he is a bad man and then you will start to fight him, and perhaps he will think the same thing about you and will start to fight you, but eventually you both will realize you are both not bad men and stop fighting, according to sources. But if you punch him really hard directly in the fist it will really hurt your hand a lot is the point sources are making.

That case of mistaken identity thing described above is exactly what happened between IronFist and Spider-Man! They fought for a minute, but then realized they were both on the same side--the good one. They then saved the FBI agent from another attack by some other bad people (this time one was a woman), who then disappeared somehow and so did we, sources revealed.

After that, they considered teaming up, but then IronFist revealed his identity (he was NOT Danny Rand of the Wall Street Journal) to Spider-Man and said to team up Spider-Man had to reveal his, sources say.

As of this printing, Spider-Man refused to reveal himself because I had to protect my secret identity, according to sources I talked to as a reporter to get these facts.

Want more Newspaper Spider-Man goodness? Well click below to read more!

1999: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2000: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2001: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2002: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2003: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2004: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2005: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2006: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2007: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2008: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2009: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2010: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2011: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2012: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2013: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2014: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2015: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2016: [Jan] - [Feb] - [Mar] - [Apr] - [May] - [Jun] - [Jul] - [Aug] - [Sep] - [Oct] - [Nov] - [Dec]

2017: [Jan]

Endless Mike fucked around with this message at 01:18 on Jul 25, 2018

# ¿ Jan 1, 2018 23:46

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 05:14

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Pretty much every Rocket reaction panel is fantastic.

Also I realized it's been over a year since they were in New York.

# ¿ Jan 2, 2018 14:34

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Man how dumb do you have to be to get outsmarted by Newspaper Spider-Man?

# ¿ Jan 2, 2018 20:21

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

I'm pretty sure that can be knocked together with minimal effort at this point

# ¿ Jan 6, 2018 03:54

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

I want to ask Mark Waid if that's what Spidey's blood type is in 616 canon. Seems like something he'd know.

# ¿ Jan 8, 2018 22:08

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Proteus Jones posted:

It *might* work? Where the gently caress did you get your MD? Of course it will work.

All they had to do was make Peter any of the "+" blood types to rule him out.

To be fair, we don't know if radioactive spider-blood mixes well with lizard-blood, regardless of type.

# ¿ Jan 8, 2018 22:32

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

ArmyOfMidgets posted:

Why is Hillary Clinton pretending to be a medical doctor?

After selling uranium to the Soviet Union, Crooked Hillary is now selling super-powered blood to terrorists! :sad:

# ¿ Jan 10, 2018 14:16

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Yes!! Hahahah yesssss!!!!!

# ¿ Jan 14, 2018 06:55

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

She's been running Stark Whatever along with Tony's mom and his AI assistant Friday and is currently helping to search for Tony.

# ¿ Jan 16, 2018 04:47

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Yeah, there was some thing where it turned out he was adopted, so he searched out his birth parents, and discovered that they were undercover SHIELD agents who posed as musicians and were rather famous. So his birth mother is part of the Invincible Iron Man cast.

# ¿ Jan 16, 2018 05:35

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Push El Burrito posted:

The doctor's keeping track of his bitcoins.

Going the wrong direction then

# ¿ Jan 16, 2018 23:41

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

connor's arm isn't regrowing. rather, it is growing a tiny hulk on the end of his arm.

NEXT: Newspaper Master Pandemonium!

# ¿ Jan 17, 2018 01:37

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Haifisch posted:

Also it gave us the plot-critical GROONNNKKK.

You say that like alligators only live in undeveloped swamps.

# ¿ Jan 18, 2018 02:20

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Manatee Cannon posted:

hell connors could go golfing

Well...

# ¿ Jan 18, 2018 03:57

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Samuringa posted:

And murdered Ronan, a cosmic threat.

Nah he just enacted his space son's beautiful plan.

# ¿ Jan 22, 2018 13:19

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

goatface posted:

Hulking out makes him glow?

It does when he has radioactive spider-blood

# ¿ Jan 22, 2018 23:29

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

The MSJ posted:

MJ's breast is bigger than her face in that 2nd panel.

She's an actress/model. She's probably been enhanced.

# ¿ Jan 23, 2018 15:12

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Cat Mattress posted:

You don't want to get it.

I wish I hadn't clicked because yeah I don't want to get that.

# ¿ Feb 9, 2018 04:03

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

There's definitely someone in the newspaper comic strip thread who works for one of the syndicates....

# ¿ Feb 9, 2018 04:28

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

It's a good thing The Wall is stuck in the Super Storiesverse, because he'd essentially be God in the Newspaperverse.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2018 02:24

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

I did like the Ultimate Iron Man series being retconned into being an unauthorized anime.

# ¿ Feb 15, 2018 15:08

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Oh of course newspaper the Lizard has reptile-attraction powers.

# ¿ Feb 21, 2018 22:55

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Daeren posted:

I call it the Herpetologist's Apprentice.

# ¿ Feb 22, 2018 02:43

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Can you make a really big version of it so I can use it as a wallpaper

# ¿ Feb 22, 2018 04:16

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

"Guy who is super strong and sticks to walls you would never believe there's a lizard man running around!"

# ¿ Feb 27, 2018 22:19

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Is it a deep cut or is it just the writers getting lucky?

# ¿ Mar 2, 2018 03:44

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Jerusalem posted:

Let he who has not spent a Friday night in a Florida swamp with a dude in spandex watch a gator and a python fight to the death be the first to cast stones.

As someone who grew up in Florida, I can assure you this is something everyone in the state has experienced.

# ¿ Mar 7, 2018 02:11

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

These dummies definitely aren't from Florida. Any Floridian will tell you a gator's jaws are designed to close really powerfully, but not open. You just need to

goatface posted:

Just web the loving jaws shut already.

You can literally hold their mouths shut with one hand.

# ¿ Mar 13, 2018 01:11

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

I had wanted to get a foam brick to throw at Spider-Man cosplayers at Awesome-Con this year, but I don't think I'll be going

# ¿ Mar 15, 2018 02:25

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

mind the walrus posted:

Being totally real, how many people would get this?

1) Probably not that many
2) Who cares, cosplayers are usually willing to goof around

# ¿ Mar 15, 2018 14:15

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

notthegoatseguy posted:

Is there a reason Jameson can't walk? He seems fine. He'd probably be in more danger if Spidey carries him.

You try walking through a swamp

# ¿ Apr 26, 2018 13:51

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

I hope Hulk gets an infusion of JJJ blood and demands pictures of Spider-Man to smash

# ¿ Apr 30, 2018 18:52

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Daeren posted:

that gator eats rear end

Yeah? Is it single?

# ¿ May 2, 2018 13:40

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Zeeman posted:

Is that Jimmy Woo? Are we also getting an Agents of Atlas crossover?

Oh my goddddd please

# ¿ May 18, 2018 02:05

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

I am very happy for Iron Fist!!

# ¿ May 23, 2018 00:54

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

Samovar posted:

I can't believe I'm saying this; Iron Fist's design in NSM is better than the usual one!

Eh, Iron Fist has had a number of looks over the years. His current tracksuit costume is really, really good, but his classic one isn't too great, I'll grant.