Help me get out of debt, build a future... and weather this divorce

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Help me get out of debt, build a future... and weather this divorce

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

What state do you live in? I don't see mention of a mortgage or a house, so I assume you are renting? How much is your rent per month? Does your wife have any skills or a degree? Why isn't she working?

I think step one for you is to hire a really good divorce attorney. You're going to need their help. Step two will be figuring out custody. Where are your parents/in-laws and what is that dynamic like? Basically, if you're divorcing your stay at home wife, be prepared for a nasty battle. This isn't going to be cheap, and since you're the breadwinner, you will likely shoulder most of the costs.

She's likely entitled to half of your 401ks so be prepared to liquidate those if needed. Dude you need a lawyer, and I would say you should be talking to one before you tell your wife so you know how to act if/when she completely freaks out.

# ¿ Jan 22, 2018 22:58

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# ¿ May 22, 2024 00:39

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

I will start working on this tonight, then, and I figured as much - but honestly I don't even know where to start. I was hoping we could get away with mediation as a cost-saving measure, so that the only thing I'd really be relying on the attorney for is reviewing the agreed upon documents. But obviously a mediator is something that I can't find until after I tell her. I've never had to deal with an attorney before, and don't know what I should do to find one or how much it will cost or any of that.

What field are you in? You make good money. Does your company offer legal services to their employees or have they partnered with anyone that they might be able to help you. I'm in Big Pharma myself and I know we have all kinds of resources available to us, including lawyers and whatnot. Can your company help you with finding a good lawyer that isn't going to gouge you too bad?

GlyphGryph posted:

Good relationship with both parents and in-laws, although I suspect the good relationship with the in-laws might not survive the divorce (which would be a shame, I like them a lot). My parents are the primary support network for our child and one or two nights a month watching him for us, and see him often during day trips. They live about an hour and a half away... and hopefully they'll be watching him when I tell her. Although my mom had major surgery at the beginning of the month, so they might not be up for it. Her dad is loaded, not sure if that factors in - our debt would be much worse off if he hadn't cleared everything she owed before we got married.

Its good your parents are nearby, you're going to need their help.

GlyphGryph posted:

Like I said, I'd like to do it through mediation and am willing to sacrifice quite a bit for that and fully expect to pay a lot of alimony for at least some period of time... but I am prepared for a nasty battle if it occurs as well, so advice beyond contacting an attorney (which I will do) is appreciated. What sort of outcome can I actually expect? I was thinking something like... half my pay for 5 years? Which wouldn't be that bad, really. But that's completely made up in my head and I have no idea what reality would look like.

A quick google search looks like alimony exists in MA. Looks like the standard is 30% of your pay since your wife doesn't work. How long you pay alimony seems to depend on how long you've been married.

# ¿ Jan 22, 2018 23:29

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

Her dad is loaded, not sure if that factors in - our debt would be much worse off if he hadn't cleared everything she owed before we got married.

Like I said, I'd like to do it through mediation and am willing to sacrifice quite a bit for that and fully expect to pay a lot of alimony for at least some period of time... but I am prepared for a nasty battle if it occurs as well, so advice beyond contacting an attorney (which I will do) is appreciated. What sort of outcome can I actually expect? I was thinking something like... half my pay for 5 years? Which wouldn't be that bad, really. But that's completely made up in my head and I have no idea what reality would look like.

Be prepared for your wife to freak out and if she goes to town on lawyers with Daddy's money you may be in for a ride. Why are you so sure your wife isn't going to devolve into an utter banshee queen about this? And why are you OK with giving the woman you want to divorce more than she is entitled to under the law?

# ¿ Jan 22, 2018 23:51

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

I have no idea what IS within my budget because i have no idea how divorce lawyers actually get paid

In cash. From your bank account. How much do you have in savings? I mean liquid cash in a checking/savings account. Preferably one that doesn't have your wife's name on it.

# ¿ Jan 23, 2018 00:47

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

500 in a personal account and 3400 in account that also has her name on it. That is all of our non retirement savings.

Good grief, Charlie Brown

So worst case scenario -- you divorce this chick. You then owe her 2,000$ a month in alimony (assuming you get 50/50 joint custody and don't pay a dime in child support), need 1800$ for rent, another 500$ or so for childcare, 800$ on student loans. Leaves you 1300$ a month for car insurance, gas, groceries, utilities, baby medical bills, retirement savings (which will be wiped out by the divorce), and discretionary income.

AND you want FI/RE and multiple more kids at the end of this?

Any chance you're up for Director/EVP anytime soon? You're going to need to double your income. 100k/yr isn't gonna cut it. poo poo, bro -- you need a quarter million a year.

# ¿ Jan 23, 2018 01:02

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

I wasnt suggesting a permanent 50k a year alimony, I suggested it is a possible starting point for a temporary thing to get her back on her feet as part of a mediation agreement - offering her more up front to reduce the risk of a legal battle where I would have to pay more into perpetuity.

Also most of the other things you mentioned are not permanent fixed things. Obviously more kids is a long term goal, and even then only a potential one.

What does FIRE stand for?

So yeah the worst case scenario is probably not that bad. But its still pretty bad. This is why I would very much like to direct my efforts towards a mediated divorce that avoids anything approaching a worst case scenario.

FIRE = Financial independence; retired early.

Good luck. Let us know what your lawyer says.

# ¿ Jan 23, 2018 01:11

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

I have no desire or intent to retire early, sorry if I was unclear about that.

I will let you guys know how the lawyer chat goes I guess, unless he tells me not to.

How long have you been married?

# ¿ Jan 23, 2018 01:15

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

Eric the Mauve posted:

Not going to happen, man. Even in the unlikely event she is amenable to such a thing when you have The Conversation with her, the next day she's going to talk to a lawyer and the lawyer is going to say "LOL no, we're going to nail him for alimony AND child support and he's going to give you 60% of his income for the next 15 years." Whether the lawyer can successfully follow through on that will remain to be seen, but it's possible. You're in trouble, the rest of your pre-old-age life is on the line and you'd better act like it. There's drat near nothing I wouldn't do to scrounge up money to pay for a GOOD lawyer here.

And your lawyer is 100% going to tell you never to post about your divorce anywhere on the internet again. Every word you post is a discoverable record that can potentially be used against you in court. Your lawyer's going to cringe when you tell them you posted this thread in the first place.

Good luck dude

Eric lacks my patience and diplomacy, but his advice is the advice you should follow.

Please find every red cent you can to hire the best attorney possible. You are going to need it.

PM the mods, beg for clemency and ask them to close the thread.

Good luck dude :cheers:

# ¿ Jan 23, 2018 02:12

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

Nah, leave it open, we'll throw one more mistake on the pile, and when this is over, however long this takes, I'll be back and post some more about post divorce stuff.

Then why don't you go ahead and tell us why you are divorcing your wife and mother of your child?

# ¿ Jan 23, 2018 02:27

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

I want to say: Thank you so much for this, this was exceptionally helpful advice. They have a lot of resources on this front I did not know about and never would have thought to ask, and it makes me exceptionally glad I posted this thread here, even if the advice I got wasn't the sort I was looking for it was very very useful.

You're welcome

Good luck Goon sir!

# ¿ Jan 24, 2018 02:33

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# ¿ May 22, 2024 00:39

Mourne: Sep 1, 2004; by Athanatos

GlyphGryph posted:

Update:

People here and elsewhere are really down on the idea of burning any of the retirement savings on this, so I'm considering taking out a personal loan instead.

No dude. Just burn the last of the retirement savings. You're gonna need it for rent for you and wifey and what isn't gone when you sign papers she'll get at least half of what's left.

Don't take out a personal loan.

# ¿ Feb 23, 2018 04:39

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Help me get out of debt, build a future... and weather this divorce