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The storys start is "okay, bordering on confusing". The second sentence was the hardest to understand and the rambling nature of the protagonist keeps coming up, and then suddenly ends. I had the most problem reading the story in the first 3 paragraphs. I dunno if I like your breaking the fourth wall, where the narrator directly talks to the audience if they were there. Get some other opinions on that. The middle part flows well, and your info dump of the world is handled well, I didn't encounter any issues. When they go to the Pho restaurant I had to slow down and it comes across as if the protagonist has Gress as well. That raises a lot of questions that you don't want asked for a story of this length. The ending, or well I'm going to ignore the part where the narrator talks directly to the audience, is touching but might count as a sucker punch. I like the "Her eyes were the colour of diamonds, I remember that." So your world building, sudden ending scene are good. I dislike the part where he talks about heaven at the end. It shows character development, but I don't give a poo poo about the story's protagonist and barely remember the heaven bit. You might not want to talk about free will in this story, in a story that lacks choice. What I got: A down-on-his-luck guy talks about the past, talking about Gress. He tells us about what Gress is and how it claimed his girlfriends life. Lack of choice and low characters make the event matter a lot, and fortunately it's an interesting idea (at least to me) backed by some easy-to-read prose.
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Jan 28, 2018 08:07
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 02:52 |
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