|
i had poorly controlled ibs in high school that made farts easily confused with sharts so im a bit of a pro at holding in farts  
|
#
?
Feb 19, 2018 23:44
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 2, 2024 21:24 |
|
|
Breakfast Feud posted:I farted so violently in my sleep once it woke me up. One of my exes farted so loudly (and like, I think IKEA mattresses amplify sound?) it startled awake and I fell out of bed. Also my brother is a master crop duster. At a NYE party several years back, somebody kept farting up a storm on the dance floor, it cleared two or three times like Moses had parted the Red Sea. A year or so later we were at a wedding, same thing happened. Everybody evacuated the dance floor. I went over to him and started bitching at him not to pull that kind of poo poo at a wedding, he swore up and down it wasn’t him. About an hour later we’re getting drinks, he elbows me, leans in close and says ‘it was me’ then ripped another one.
|
|
#
?
Feb 19, 2018 23:45
|
|
|
Tried to use a fart as a sick burn on someone. Turned out to be a shart. Now I only post here
|
|
#
?
Feb 19, 2018 23:46
|
|
|
ClamdestineBoyster posted:You have to wake up to fart dude. Wrong. I lived with a girl who would wake me up in the middle of the night crying for me to "Just quit farting". I mean, sorry babe, I'm not doing it to gently caress with you, I'm sleeping. On a more recent note, I just got back from a ski trip with a bunch of buddies who were mostly all from sea level. First, going from 0 elevation 10k feet is a gas generator in itself. Add on skiing all day and drinking beer and whiskey until late plus eating a garbage diet equals what came to be known as the 'wall of fart' when you entered our cabin. That's 6 grown men in a 1,000 square foot cabin. On the upside, I was introduced to Basil Hayden's. I highly recommend it if you're into bourbon.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 00:17
|
|
|
My wife will sometimes fall asleep watching TV and at usually with snort herself awake and follow that up with a short "BWRAP!"
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 00:22
|
|
|
I don’t often read GBS but this is a wonderful return to form. Pants making GBS threads/immediately hop in the shower stories. Maybe there is hope for this site after all.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 00:30
|
|
|
GBS - Home of the Waffle Stomp
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 00:37
|
|
|
MonkeyHate posted:Raising kids is real hard and sometimes you feel regret because you have no free time anymore and all of your hobbies have to be abandoned and you are sleep deprived all the time and it's so stressful to put all of your love into something so fragile and then have to watch them go out into the dangerous world knowing you can't always protect them. You're not a real father if you haven't farted on your kids.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 01:39
|
|
|
One time my ex was sleeping soundly and she ripped a loud one. So loud she woke herself up. I wonder how many times this happens without a witness, have I ever done it to myself?
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 01:54
|
|
|
Tetramin posted:I don’t often read GBS but this is a wonderful return to form. Pants making GBS threads/immediately hop in the shower stories. Maybe there is hope for this site after all. I wish I could find the old archived fart stories thread from old GBS, there was this one story where a goon had changed his diet before Halloween and was incredibly gassy. He described it as like being followed by a ‘Labrador made of poo poo’. He went to a Halloween party in a cheap Devil costume, and described trying to work the room without anyone catching on as behaving like ‘a busy salesman with a briefcase full of farts’. The denouement of the story? He farted and the Devil tail fell off. It’s been years since I read that post, but I don’t know if I ever laughed so hard at something so immature in my entire life. E: SeXReX posted:One time my ex was sleeping soundly and she ripped a loud one. So loud she woke herself up. One time I was trying to fall asleep, had to fart (expecting silence) and it made a ‘braaap’ like a goddamn bugle blast. After about fifteen minutes of faking sleep and trembling trying to hold my laughter in, my boyfriend got me an extra blanket because I was ‘shivering in my sleep’. I eventually admitted the ‘shivering’ was me trying to contain my laughter. LadyPictureShow fucked around with this message at 02:00 on Feb 20, 2018 |
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 01:54
|
|
|
When I was young, my cousin Steve would visit me and we'd goof around. We had this squishy green stress ball that we'd throw back and forth, up and down the stairs. He was on the top of the stairs once, with the ball, and said "wait, hold on...". I couldn't tell what he was doing, as I couldn't see him. He emerges a few seconds later, and tosses the ball downstairs, saying "Enjoy this one." I swear to god, I could smell the ball before it got to me. I don't know if he had somehow shoved it INTO his rear end or what, but that thing was infamous for its smell years later. That scent clung to that ball for days. Still gets mentioned from time to time.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 01:57
|
|
|
don't wipe your rear end with stress balls unless it belongs to your boss
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:14
|
|
|
1. A friend of mine and I would go to Steak and Shake and each of us would get a chili and cheeseburger with chili and baked beans as our sides and then try to out fart each other all the way home. He had an unfair advantage with his 80 Camaro because the hvac controls were on the left side of the steering column so he'd rip a huge one and crank the heat full blast. One night while he was hiked up on one cheek, he hit the biggest raccoon I've ever seen and it got caught on the undercarriage and you could hear it scrape every time we hit a bump until it finally fell off and thumped its way along the bottom side of the floorboard on its way. 2. One time my family was watching a movie and my dad was laying on the couch on his side and our poodle was curled up between his butt and the cushion. He rips one and she stands up with this confused look sniffs the air and then curls up and sniffs her own rear end which just added to her confusion. She did this about 3-4 times before laying back down. 3. I used to have a student whose parents claimed he didn't have rear end nerves. The front office, school nurse nor the special Ed department ever actually had confirmation from a medical professional that this was true, but any time he farted, you just wrote a pass to the office so they could take him to the boys locker room shower where he would proceed to shart all over the floor, walls, ceiling, shower controls, etc. It got to the point the PE teacher and custodians said "gently caress this" and the principal started cleaning his little shart shrine. Not mine, but this would be one to tell the grandkids! https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5a8af930e4b05c2bcacddc9b
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:18
|
|
|
My fiance works night shifts occasionally, and she tells me that sometimes she'll get into bed at 3 or 4 in the morning and I'll spoon her and immediately rip rear end. One time she woke me up with her giggling at my fart.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:27
|
|
|
Sleepfarts do happen. I startled myself out of a deep sleep with one. I had a friend that would do the naked spooning thing with her boyfriend and one morning she cut one. The fart vibrations jiggled his balls and she said he lept out of bed, slapping at his junk since he had no idea what caused that sensation. Could've been a dick spider. 
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:38
|
|
|
Ages ago I let one rip while driving with a friend that I guess must of been silent. Because when I confessed to it he was astonished as he had been convinced we drove past a truck hauling port-a-potty's because it didn't smell like a fart, or like poo poo, but "a mixture of poo poo and piss and chemicals left to bake in the sun for days". I was pretty proud of that.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:43
|
|
|
Bum the Sad posted:Ages ago I let one rip while driving with a friend that I guess must of been silent. Because when I confessed to it he was astonished as he had been convinced we drove past a truck hauling port-a-potty's because it didn't smell like a fart, or like poo poo, but "a mixture of poo poo and piss and chemicals left to bake in the sun for days". I was pretty proud of that.  ...you... you may want to get that checked out, too.(High five, though)
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:45
|
|
|
once in third grade a friend farted so loud the girl next to him jumped and fell out of her chair
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:46
|
|
|
one kid in a history class kept farting, and doing so in a sort of aggressive and disruptive manner (giggling uncontrollably beforehand and saying "buckle up boys", etc) and wouldn't stop, so instead of sending him to the principle the teacher started referring to him as Magna Farta
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:47
|
|
|
Papa Emeritus III posted:
It was roughly 10 years ago and I'm still alive so I think I'm ok...
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:47
|
|
|
Mammal Sauce posted:3. I used to have a student whose parents claimed he didn't have rear end nerves. The front office, school nurse nor the special Ed department ever actually had confirmation from a medical professional that this was true, but any time he farted, you just wrote a pass to the office so they could take him to the boys locker room shower where he would proceed to shart all over the floor, walls, ceiling, shower controls, etc. It got to the point the PE teacher and custodians said "gently caress this" and the principal started cleaning his little shart shrine. this kid must have grown up to be my co-worker because every time I let one rip at work he assumes I also shat myself. pretty sure he shits himself every fart.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:54
|
|
|
Bum the Sad posted:It was roughly 10 years ago and I'm still alive so I think I'm ok... 'Tis a weapon of the Gods, then!
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:56
|
|
|
A while back, I worked at a Cummins facility for a few months. First day, as I was riding up the elevator, I ripped a silent one. Just as we were getting off, it started to smell. The plumber foreman stepped on, looked around and said "oh gently caress that, I'll take the stairs." Another time, I was on the elevator with my foreman. I tore it up and played a shotgun blast out of my butt. He looked at me like "really man?" The elevator stopped on my floor and there was a drop dead gorgeous woman waiting to get on. I slid off, turned around and he was giving me this furious look while she gave him the meanest glare I've ever seen. He later told me the elevator reeked the entire ride and she never stopped mean mugging him
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 02:59
|
|
|
Papa Emeritus III posted:'Tis a weapon of the Gods, then! Indeed! The only reason I remember that story is because once in a blue moon the strange chemical fart re-arises and reminds me of it.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 03:01
|
|
|
Herbicidal Maniac posted:I was deadlifting and feeling pretty good so I figure I'd go for a pr. Loaded up the bar and halfway through I let loose this 15-20 second fart that sounded like it reverberated through the entire gym. I finished the rep and just busted out laughing. This happened to me as well except it was during a thunderstorm that knocked out the power and it went to a backup generator. The lights came back up, but the loud music didn't and this place had the reverberation of an ancient cathedral. loving everyone on that floor turned around and looked. I know this because the entire wall I was facing was a mirror. I was too tired to give a gently caress.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 03:02
|
|
|
Kak posted:This happened to me as well except it was during a thunderstorm that knocked out the power and it went to a backup generator. The lights came back up, but the loud music didn't and this place had the reverberation of an ancient cathedral. loving everyone on that floor turned around and looked. I know this because the entire wall I was facing was a mirror. I was too tired to give a gently caress. I would've done the same thing, given that circumstance.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 03:08
|
|
|
i used to hangout with this Ukrainian stripper who would eat vics and chug vodka (WARNING) as if this was okay and not a bad combination at all, but then of course she would fall asleep and would just loudly fart all night because she had a big butt. just her slurring her words and talking nonsense then farting all night. ALL. NIGHT.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 03:11
|
|
|
Last night I had some really lovely Target rice, steamed broccoli and spicy Kim Chi for dinner. I went to bed a little after 9pm and by 9:30pm I was letting out these long, loud farts every five minutes or so. At 10:30pm they started to hurt, so I got up and tried to poo poo, but nothin' doin'. Went back to bed and laid there, drifting off to sleep and then being awoken by my farts until about 11:30pm, when I gave up, got out of bed, and browsed the forums until about 12:30am. Then I tried making GBS threads again, and literally got a tiny little butt nugget about the size of a marble. Let out 2 more raucous farts on the toilet before going back to bed again. Let out a little toot, but then feel asleep and slept through the night until my alarm went off at 5:30am. Also, I am lactose intolerant and have a soy allergy. I lived through my 20s a bloated, farting mess until my early 30s when I was making GBS threads almost every 2 hours before I figured out that soy was the problem. I now feel better than I have in decades by avoiding pretty much every prepared food because, in America at least, vegetable oil is made out of soybeans.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 03:18
|
|
|
one time I was skating with by bros and I let out a fart that felt safe. I can still feel the stream of warm liquid shart running down my leg as I race home to take a shower
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 03:33
|
|
|
old men get called old farts
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 03:36
|
|
|
My first Internet Janitor job was with a small family-run business where one of my initial tasks was to figure out who had visited "farts.com" on the lunchroom computer during their lunch break because the owners would monitor outgoing traffic and they were pissed. It was Oliver the sales guy He was a cool dude, I covered for him and told the owners it was a virus. We were good friends for years after that and I went to his wedding.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 04:06
|
|
|
Nothing makes me happier or laugh harder than fart threads. Please keep the stories coming! 
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 04:10
|
|
|
Super Waffle posted:Nothing makes me happier or laugh harder than fart threads. Please keep the stories coming! A guy i worked with was terminating a cabinet full of wires. I felt the pressure building up, and I didn't realize that he was working on the lower terminals in the cabinet. He was sitting on a bucket, and I just kinda stuck my rear end around the door and ripped a loud fart. He was like "oh what the gently caress dude, I'm gonna get pink eye now!" And the foreman was like "hey! If you don't stop making GBS threads on people, I'm gonna lock you in a supply closet until you stink yourself to death!"
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 04:16
|
|
|
Lucid Nonsense posted:Wrong. I lived with a girl who would wake me up in the middle of the night crying for me to "Just quit farting". I mean, sorry babe, I'm not doing it to gently caress with you, I'm sleeping. drat I think would fall under the “she who smelt it dealt it” category duder. Sorry she was waking you up to tell you were farting to cover up her own rank rear end. She probably feared you were on to her and wanted to create an exit strategy. Also maybe your gay if your renting an rear end cabin with you’re fart buddies. 
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 04:17
|
|
|
One of our cats just cropdusted my wife and she drat near choked to death it was funny af because my cat farts like a loving horse.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 04:51
|
|
|
EvilJoven posted:One of our cats just cropdusted my wife and she drat near choked to death it was funny af because my cat farts like a loving horse. Our cats will fart if you startle them. Usually this happens when you change sleeping position in the night while they're asleep and then the bedroom smells of death
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 04:55
|
|
|
Many years ago I was visiting with my girlfriend at her parent's place for thanksgiving. A couple hours after the feast her father (a no nonsense southerner) just belts out a powerful rip. Me being impressed quickly replied, "nice push!" . Then eventually I let one out which almost rivaled his but I didn't want to upstage the king in his own court out of respect. We're all chuckling from this when all of a sudden my girlfriend quickly sits on my lap, looks at me with a loving gaze, and pushes out the biggest, loudest "BRRRRRAAAAAAAAP!!!" vibrating my junk like a Hitachi massage wand on full blast. A sudden wave of shock, confusion, disgust and arousal all hit me in a split second and then right before anybody could respond in laughter, the smell forced it's way up my nose. A bouquet of thanksgiving sewage which smelled worse than a dead animal baking in the hot summer sun. Before I could even say anything I was immediately gagging, trying to not vomit while pinned down by her still warm and musty rear end which prohibited my escape. I was desperate at this point, this wasn't funny, I needed to escape for my own survival. By the time I struggled away I could see her and her father doubled over in laughter, beet red faces with tears streaming down their cheeks. I got schooled that day. Then 4 years later, I married her  
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 05:17
|
|
|
Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:Many years ago I was visiting with my girlfriend at her parent's place for thanksgiving. A couple hours after the feast her father (a no nonsense southerner) just belts out a powerful rip. Me being impressed quickly replied, "nice push!" . Then eventually I let one out which almost rivaled his but I didn't want to upstage the king in his own court out of respect. See I thought this was going to be one of those “I tried to upstage her fathers farts and I poo poo my pants instead” posts but im glad that poo poo worked out for you and you’re fart wife.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 05:20
|
|
|
I spend an unhealthy amount of time watching fart prank videos on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_mZEXEooTo Kak fucked around with this message at 05:28 on Feb 20, 2018 |
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 05:24
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 2, 2024 21:24 |
|
|
A couple of friends were at a video store looking over the new releases. One of them rips a quiet one and without looking, starts wafting it up to the other's face, saying "you getting any of that?" A deep voice says a single, slow "yep" - the other friend had quietly wandered off and some big biker dude had replaced him.
|
|
#
?
Feb 20, 2018 05:39
|
|
