Fart Garfunkel: Hello Flatulence, My Old Friend

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Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

Ugly In The Morning posted:

This is the best phrase I�ve ever read.

lol yes. the best I ever managed to come up with was "playing a tuba by using a pressure washer"

# ? May 31, 2021 19:53

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# ? May 3, 2024 03:00

spooky ghost: Feb 11, 2020; Lipstick Apathy

Ugly In The Morning posted:

This is the best phrase I�ve ever read.

# ? May 31, 2021 19:54

DerekSmartymans: Feb 14, 2005; The
Copacetic
Ascetic

You Are A Elf posted:

great school memories that were non-fart related.

Is that even possible?

# ? May 31, 2021 20:34

Zamujasa: Oct 27, 2010; Bread Liar

Pope Corky the IX posted:

Fart Thread: It sounded like a broken tuba filled with wet ham

# ? May 31, 2021 22:31

fast cars loose anus: Mar 2, 2007; Pillbug

I am trying to diet and lose weight and last night I indulged myself by having a small package of sugar-free gummy bears

I've never farted so long that I had time to listen to it, start laughing, finish laughing, and still have fart left before

# ? Jun 1, 2021 04:06

CelticPredator: Oct 11, 2013; 🍀👽🆚🪖🏋

You better get ready.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMjgaa5j_LE

12:50

# ? Jun 1, 2021 04:36

AHH F/UGH: May 25, 2002

One time in university I just straight up ripped a huge fart during an Italian class. I was sitting front and center.

I don�t know why, it wasn�t like I was trying to. My body just for some reason let it rip and I farted super loud and everyone heard it. Luckily by that point I had stopped caring since I was like 1 semester from graduating so I turned around and said to the girl behind me �like, I don�t even know. I ain�t even gonna try to pretend that was the chair or something� but everyone cracked up because of how I dunno COOL I was about it. Just completely accepting, yup, that loudass assloud was me.

In retrospect I should have been like AMOMMA MIA MY CUL MAKEA A LOUD NOISE-UH

# ? Jun 1, 2021 04:46

Hilario Baldness: Feb 10, 2005; Grimey Drawer

In middle school there was this kid in my class who farted and it stunk so badly that the teacher evacuated the class to the hallway, where she yelled at the kid who farted.

He had Crohn's and had to have parts of his intestine removed.

# ? Jun 1, 2021 04:52

Commie Lasorda: May 15, 2009; IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!

Hilario Baldness posted:

He had Crohn's and had to have parts of his intestine removed.

lmao

# ? Jun 1, 2021 06:05

CollegeCop: Jul 11, 2005; You're right. I'm not a real cop. Those are imaginary handcuffs. And in a minute, we'll be going to the make-believe jail.

I had a giant double decker burger with onion straws on it, with a large side order of onion rings for dinner last night.

Apparently at some point after I drifted off to sleep, my sphincter relaxed and I let out what must have been a very loud, very long fart.

My wife woke me up because, and I quote, "I am not going to be the only one to suffer from the gates of hell opening up in your rear end."

It was foul.

# ? Jun 1, 2021 17:38

barbecue at the folks: Jul 20, 2007

My body once decided to let out a huge rippling megafart without any advance warning right in the middle of my German class at the uni. Our lady teacher instantly turned towards the class and said "Nicht so tragisch, let's continue!" which killed the laughter right then and there. The phrase has been an injoke with my friends ever since.

# ? Jun 1, 2021 18:26

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

barbecue at the folks posted:

My body once decided to let out a huge rippling megafart without any advance warning right in the middle of my German class at the uni. Our lady teacher instantly turned towards the class and said "Nicht so tragisch, let's continue!" which killed the laughter right then and there. The phrase has been an injoke with my friends ever since.

I don't know why this is so wonderful but it is.

# ? Jun 1, 2021 20:18

Turkey Farts: Jan 4, 2013

In an effort to improve the quality of my sleep I downloaded an app that's supposed to make my watch vibrate and wake me up whenever I snore. In addition to the snoring, my phone has also taken the liberty of capturing some pretty stellar farts. Or maybe it can't tell the difference between the two. Either way I like it

# ? Jun 2, 2021 01:28

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Hilario Baldness posted:

In middle school there was this kid in my class who farted and it stunk so badly that the teacher evacuated the class to the hallway, where she yelled at the kid who farted.

He had Crohn's and had to have parts of his intestine removed.

Man, that poor kid. Who punishes a kid for the smell of their fart? Maybe a private "hey, so, if you feel like you need to fart and it might be bad, go to the bathroom, no questions asked" conversation might be in order, but not punishment. Cripes.

# ? Jun 2, 2021 02:11

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Antivehicular posted:

Man, that poor kid. Who punishes a kid for the smell of their fart? Maybe a private "hey, so, if you feel like you need to fart and it might be bad, go to the bathroom, no questions asked" conversation might be in order, but not punishment. Cripes.

Crohns disease is a bitch of a fucker

# ? Jun 2, 2021 02:22

DicktheCat: Feb 15, 2011

Turkey Farts posted:

In an effort to improve the quality of my sleep I downloaded an app that's supposed to make my watch vibrate and wake me up whenever I snore. In addition to the snoring, my phone has also taken the liberty of capturing some pretty stellar farts. Or maybe it can't tell the difference between the two. Either way I like it

Why do you like being woken up?

# ? Jun 2, 2021 20:18

Dang It Bhabhi!: May 27, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

Yo I got the cure for that sleep apnea it's called more sleep deprivation.

# ? Jun 2, 2021 20:28

Turkey Farts: Jan 4, 2013

DicktheCat posted:

Why do you like being woken up?

So I can change my sleeping position and avoid entering a state where I stop breathing

And also to review playback of any zingers that came outta my butt

# ? Jun 2, 2021 20:43

Dang It Bhabhi!: May 27, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

Turkey Farts posted:

So I can change my sleeping position and avoid entering a state where I stop breathing

And also to review playback of any zingers that came outta my butt

Have you seen that thing that listens for snoring and, when you snore, it inflates a pillow under your pillow to move your head for you? I dunno man take care good luck out there.

# ? Jun 2, 2021 21:06

DerekSmartymans: Feb 14, 2005; The
Copacetic
Ascetic

Turkey Farts posted:

And also to review playback of any zingers that came outta my butt

Gross, dude!!!

# ? Jun 3, 2021 01:10

Turkey Farts: Jan 4, 2013

DerekSmartymans posted:

Gross, dude!!!

Yup, that's them!

Had a fart earlier today that sounded so much like a dog going "woof!" that my own dog woke from a sound sleep to see what was going on

# ? Jun 3, 2021 03:14

DerekSmartymans: Feb 14, 2005; The
Copacetic
Ascetic

My brother could not make piece with his newlywed wife�s old mean cat twenty years ago when they first married. It was sleeping in his chair and he dropped trou and farted on the cat�s face.

The cat immediately squealed and lashed out with its front paws and slashed his rear end in both cheeks that I had drugs/thread to sew up. So I took him to my pediatrician (first mentor and alternate father figure as I grew up) and he ended with 5 stitches on his rear end and 2 on his upper hamstring.

He still brings up the stories and reminds me of how powerful that fart was, which gets lost in the cat-vengeance main story arc.

# ? Jun 3, 2021 03:50

BOOTY-ADE: Aug 30, 2006; BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT

I was reminded of an old fart-related Reddit post earlier & had to share

quote:

If I decide to stare it's usually with a, "Yeah, what the gently caress are you gonna do about it?" look.

I'm about 6'7'' so even when I'm just trying to be friendly (i.e. not farting on a stranger kid's head) and meeting a family member's or friend's kid for the first time, I've noticed they get very 'hide between their mother's legs' intimidated on sight if I'm not sitting down. So it's not hard for me to silence/intimidate a child, especially when I'm trying to.

However, a few times I've been called out. One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk (and no, we never finished playing the whole game). This little Mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little poo poo in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge loving G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle (which pissed me off even more considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS!) "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "gently caress YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, motherfucker.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god drat twisty tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my rear end is INCHES away from this kids head.

Now, generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an rear end now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death. I had positioned myself well on the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time and him, poor and immobilized: biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When I finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my farts), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 alligator,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. gently caress you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten rear end in a top hat to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking scotch. Overall, I would say it was a preeeetay preeeeetay good day.

# ? Jun 5, 2021 08:55

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

BOOTY-ADE posted:

I was reminded of an old fart-related Reddit post earlier & had to share

And everyone clapped!!!!!!!

# ? Jun 5, 2021 15:19

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Bonzo posted:

And everyone clapped!!!!!!!

Surely you're not implying that a story of a towering gentleman's rectal assault on a child in a department store could be embellished or outright fabricated? :maga:

# ? Jun 5, 2021 15:43

Amphigory: Feb 6, 2005

loving hell I hate how they write like that

# ? Jun 6, 2021 10:47

LonesomeCrowdedWest: May 8, 2008

Yeah that was pretty cringe tbh

# ? Jun 6, 2021 11:40

Johnny-on-the-Spot: Apr 17, 2015; That feeling when he opens
the door for you

What are you guys talking about? I love the story about drunken man child�making GBS threads his pants trying to fart on a kid because he was slightly annoyed in the toy section of a target.

# ? Jun 6, 2021 20:53

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

I made kimchi jigae the other night, even though I know the havoc it can wreak on my digestive system. I was okay until I started working out. We did a lot of squats that day, and every time I did so, another round of loud, sulphurous gas would erupt from my rear end and immediately reach up to smack me in the nose. It smelled like a bunch of vegetables had been moldering in a kiddie pool hidden in the sewers for twenty years, and it became a battle between having enough oxygen to work out and my desire to not be defeated by my own farts!

I won. but the living room smelled like death for at least the whole next day.

# ? Jun 7, 2021 14:13

Pope Corky the IX: Dec 18, 2006; What are you looking at?

My ex-wife would occasionally fart loud enough to wake herself out of a deep sleep and then she'd blame me.

# ? Jun 7, 2021 14:21

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

My ex-wife would occasionally fart loud enough to wake herself out of a deep sleep and then she'd blame me.

I've done that but there's no way in hell I'd let him take the credit for something so hilarious.

# ? Jun 7, 2021 14:22

barbecue at the folks: Jul 20, 2007

Kimchi farts are the worst. I've been banned from eating too much kimchi when my SO is home because the last time I overdid it, she couldn't sleep next to me. Apparently I resembled a corpse slowly rotting from the inside, peacefully letting out a stream of farts that made her eyes water and left her gasping for air. Oh kimchi, why are you so delicious and healthy, yet wreak such havoc with my insides?

# ? Jun 7, 2021 14:23

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

We use Discord at work since we're all WFH. I guess someone forgot to mute their mic and has ripped two giant farts since everyone came back from lunch.

# ? Jul 8, 2021 19:13

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

Bonzo posted:

We use Discord at work since we're all WFH. I guess someone forgot to mute their mic and has ripped two giant farts since everyone came back from lunch.

Yeah you motherfucker

keep up da good work

# ? Jul 8, 2021 19:19

Fart of Presto: Feb 9, 2001; Clapping Larry

Admiral Joeslop posted:

https://i.imgur.com/dlPITXv.mp4

# ? Feb 16, 2022 02:49

BOOTY-ADE: Aug 30, 2006; BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT

^^ Holy

I've watched this like 6 times & my stomach hurts

# ? Feb 16, 2022 03:29

coronatae: Oct 14, 2012

lmao AMAZING

I should have posted my xmas shopping tale in here. 'Twas the week before Christmas and we hadn't really bought any presents so we ventured out to the local fancy mall in the hopes that getting slightly drunk and wandering around would lead to some inspired gift choices. We were standing in the very long line at Hallmark when my nose was assaulted by a truly rotten smell. Something about its quality led me to conclude it came from the small child in front of me in line, it was that bad.

Imagine my shock and horror when I encountered the same smell in the Crate and Barrel and realized my partner had been the one fumigating the Hallmark with farts. Nothing will ever match the look of horror in his eyes when I walked right into the danger zone and immediately swiveled to him with fury in my eyes: "YOU?!?!"

# ? Feb 17, 2022 01:51

Zamujasa: Oct 27, 2010; Bread Liar

That's not a lump of coal :stonk:

# ? Feb 17, 2022 04:05

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Ever since I got into the leftover chili from last nights dinner I�ve just been constantly blasting off.

# ? Feb 17, 2022 04:37

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# ? May 3, 2024 03:00

barbecue at the folks: Jul 20, 2007

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOZe9g1z6Zw

"I've never hear a fart shift gears before" :lmao:

# ? Feb 28, 2022 19:05

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