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Danger Dull posted:
Edit: Huur I should read the OP. I commented on your piece. Get a second/third opinion since I'm like ADHD incarnate and need big explosions/conflict to maintain my attention Exmond fucked around with this message at 06:07 on Apr 4, 2018 |
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Apr 4, 2018 05:59
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Mrenda posted:I'm wondering about this one. A big wonder, for reasons I won't say. Hey Mrenda, I think this is a good story. I critted it. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rMOsHVjLAowi6ydGosQ42WCcA5QsEB9S3gfMBVFic_o/edit?usp=sharing
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May 12, 2018 16:37
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AllNewJonasSalk posted:Hey guys. I wrote a thing and actually like it. This is an indication that it is bad. Tell me how bad! I will also critique anything that you guys will let me lay my eyes on. I need practice with that sort of thing. Is this a full story? A start of a story? Just free-form writing, or is it flash fiction?
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Aug 22, 2018 21:15
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AllNewJonasSalk posted:Hey guys. I wrote a thing and actually like it. This is an indication that it is bad. Tell me how bad! I will also critique anything that you guys will let me lay my eyes on. I need practice with that sort of thing. I commented as Mike. I like flash fiction, exciting starts and not gettign confused. As always, get a second opinion, and feel free to tell me to stuff it. I see why you liked this piece, there is a strong voice here. Kind of a noir, down on his luck noir detective voice. You also have contrasting characters that play well off of each other. Joe doesn't get much screen time, but his personality comes through and he is well utilized. The protagonist plays off of him well, and the dialogue really worked for me. Your start is cliched and on the second re-read: bad. It starts off with a cliche: something is wrong. Then it takes it's sweet time to tell us what is wrong and why. I don't think you need to abandon your start, but a heavy rewrite is required. This piece also suffers from what I will sum up as first-draft woes. Grammar issues and some sentences that should have been read out loud. I want to point out that I enjoyed the piece when your character made observations and comments in that voice of his. When you needed action to happen, or a span of time to pass, you had to zoom out. Whenever you zoom out the following problems occur 1) Your prose starts to get disjointed and confusing. Characters comment on a perp drawing a gun. Next sentence the ambulance is driving away. The next sentence is about pizza. Then the sentence emphasizes the shooting is currently happening. 2) The action whizzes by so fast that I can't get a grasp on the characters 3) The action whizzes by so fast that the characters seem to react nonchalantly to important events It was a problem for me and my suspension of disbelief was shattered. Another problem we have with this piece is uhhh, there isn't much of a story. There is no conflict, there is no consequence for actions, there is no choice and there is no change in characters. There isn't a lot of plot here either: junkie gets found, junkie is a young girl, junkie gets dropped off at hospital, guy goes to grab pizza, guy gets shot, guy laughs about it and goes to library (Guess which part of your piece I dislike), guy goes back to hospital. The only caveat I can offer is I don't write serials, so I don't know how they work. I can tell you that only due to liking noir and your voice, would I read further. Even then I would probably give you another two paragraphs. I suspect I would be gobsmacked when a superhero entered the scene and stop reading. This needs a heavy dose of tightening up, and I think some plot would help.
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Aug 23, 2018 02:59
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