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This is a story that I wrote last November-ish. I've sat on it for a while, received some nice feedback last February, worked on it again and now I'm looking for some more feedback. Apart from general feedback what I'm mainly wondering is what theme/thread people get from the meaning of the story. I've left out the working title because I don't want to signpost it too much. It's about 3,800 words in total. Mrenda fucked around with this message at 22:08 on May 6, 2018 |
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Mar 27, 2018 19:41
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| # ¿ May 22, 2024 15:30 |
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Obliterati posted:
I’ll preface all this and say this type of story really isn’t my kind of thing. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not partial to this type of story, or it’s a bad example of the kind of story, or I’m looking for something else from my stories. Really, the whole thing seems a little pointless. That could be a “me” thing in what I’m looking for. It struggles at the beginning to bring you into the flow of the writing. That would be fine with me, I often take a page or two to get to grips with the style of a story but with no payoff in thought from the story it really lets itself down. I’ve written a few comments at the end about how you might better get the reader up to speed rather than bumbling into it as it read for me. The “pointless” aspect of it is what really didn’t work for me. It comes across as wrestling fanfic. I’m not sure there’s a theme, moral, or discussion of anything here. It doesn’t grasp with any issues, and instead is just a series of “lol-aliens.” From the writing perspective I can understand wanting to get in the alien’s off and stilted voice, but some of the descriptions come across as strained. There’s a bit of alliteration in there which really doesn’t work when combined with the word choice that doesn’t flow very strongly or intelligently. “The sweat forms a viscous veneer over his dark skin...” might work in isolation, but when it’s surrounded by sentences like, “Humans secrete water during physical activity as a primitive coolant system...” and “it lingers in the formal black suit draped over his shoulder.” It comes across as clumsy. One awkward sentence, in the character’s voice is enough. Throwing them all at the reader doesn’t work, it’s overloading me with clumsiness. Generally I like to deal with the higher level issues on theme, subject, morality, etc. in a story, but this doesn’t have any. It’s more on the frivolous scale of things so it’s not really for me. -- Getting into the story faster -- The opening is completely lacking in style. I quickly saw what you were going for but there was no personality to the announcer. I think you need to write it like a more typical scene, rather than a commentary. It’s devoid of immediacy and action, which does it no favours. Describing what’s happening, with the comments as well, is a more typical opening but also stronger for that because it sets the reader’s viewpoint faster, gets our heart beating, and doesn’t read like bad wrestling fan fiction. Moving onto the locker room scene, the mix between descriptions and dialogue doesn’t work for me. It’s too simplistic in what it’s doing with “strong” description, that isn’t evocative despite its wordiness and colloquial language. It’s lacking in style again here. “When I came to the promoters...” This could be a really strong opening, it establishes everything far quicker. I’d think about cutting this to the front of it and moving the earlier parts to after this. And moving ‘”Besides,” he says...” after almost as a timefuckery/scenefuckery with a “flashback” change in between.” For me, with this story, you need to nail the pacing and action points of the story. It's not complex, doesn't deal with any weighty issues, and is a fun read, so you really need to have everything hitting at the right time. I'd leave it for a while, and see where chopping and changing the introduction of information might work. Moving a few of the scenes around with a c&p might give you some ideas. edit: edited out the link to the story, as per the op Mrenda fucked around with this message at 22:08 on May 6, 2018 |
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Mar 29, 2018 01:19
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Thank you, again. The crits, here and on IRC were really helpful. For anyone looking to angle for a crit, Benny comes highly recommended. Some of your comments helped me identify the areas I need to beef up, where I can get more impact. You definitely did identify one of the areas that's come out as problematic for me the more I write. Where to hit the line on subtle/obvious. I can go too far one way or the other often enough so actually identifying these spots for me is super helpful. Benny, A+++
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Mar 29, 2018 19:52
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I've made some edits to my story based on Benny Profane's feedback. I feel better about the story (already felt pretty good about it.) Not all of his suggestions were taken on board, there's some things about the characters and their motivations I feel strongly about, but there's still substantial changes.
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Mar 30, 2018 15:10
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Brainworm posted:I've been working on this one for a few weeks and could use some feedback; I'm at the point where I feel like I can't judge e.g. pacing and voice because I've got it close to memorized. It's about 6000 words. I'm possibly the wrong person to ask about hooks at the early stage of writing something. I often feel if something is being presented as worthy of reading it's worth continuing long enough for it to make itself felt. This could be as much as seeing it published in a journal (especially when it comes to short stories) and so have an editor's approval, or simply giving something the benefit of the doubt when it's posted places like these forums. I did think the writing style was interesting enough to carry me along until it got to the nub of the story, which seemed rather simple in the end. If the message is about justice, which you explicitly make, then I do have doubts about the efficacy of the voice. There's a detached style to it, as though recounting a story from a distant past, that removes the immediacy of any effect. I was left thinking how this woman's life was changed in the intervening yeas, seeing as this is a story they chose to tell, and so must have some significance. If it is a simple tale about the consequences of survival and the harshness of chance then I'd prefer to feel embedded in the voice that's telling it. It needs to be a bit more visceral, more emotional, more introspective. The voice for me was one as if telling a grand fable, but I didn't get any meat of that in the story. The voice promised lofty thought, which the story didn't deliver, or at least the message of the story. There was little perspective, awareness or self-knowledge to it. It's well written, and it was easy to read, but it was almost as if the person telling the story (and you writing the story) didn't believe in it as fully as necessary. Like you held back from telling your truth, or her truth, hoping for stronger meaning to emerge from the bones. If there was a deeper truth I'd imagine it to be about the damage of trauma and adoption of evil or cruel traits in the face of such cruelty, mirroring it. However this wasn't evident from you and took a little searching from me. This is something I'm dealing with at the moment as well, so it's possibly me transferring my thoughts on my own work, and the feedback I've received from others to your work, but to me there needs to be more belief in the merit of the message from both you and the narrator. It needs more opinion. Although the opinion is definitely one I'd listen to, because it's evident from the writing so far that it's worthy of being heard. Edit: took out the link to the google doc like I'm supposed to do, as per the op. Mrenda fucked around with this message at 17:03 on May 3, 2018 |
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May 3, 2018 15:34
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Brainworm posted:Thanks for this. FWIW, I think your criticism is spot on. My pleasure. Despite what I said I enjoyed the story. It's better and more memorable than many I've seen published.
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May 3, 2018 16:33
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Brainworm posted:Thanks. Your feedback gave me some clarity. That works. Or at least it's one way for it to work, by giving it that framing
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May 3, 2018 20:11
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Unmature posted:Are pilot scripts welcome here? I'm not too sure what feedback you'd be able to get seeing as most people posting and responding here write fiction, novels or short stories, and read the same. I think there's a screenplay thread somewhere.
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May 4, 2018 16:11
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| # ¿ May 22, 2024 15:30 |
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I'm wondering about this one. A big wonder, for reasons I won't say. "Your Rightful Place" https://docs.google.com/document/d/12iRa9Jaqirl1kSGRGUwMab3g5gExozKcFUftdg4jwJ0/edit?usp=sharing
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May 6, 2018 21:48
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