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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > Texas Concealed Carry Law And You - Let's Read Monster Hunter International
«‹›23 »
 
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

Up Circle posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_nPp64OrBc

It's worse for me because I read all the way to the end of the book in advance, so I'm actually re-reading the whole drat thing.

There's still three hefty chapters and a short epilogue. I'll be very surprised if the first half of the final battle is finished this week even with daily updates.

* # ? Jun 11, 2018 20:43
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# ? May 2, 2024 00:53
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Renegret
May 26, 2007

THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

quote:

"Actually, I was thinking that if we don't stop the CO before the moon is up, we call the Feds. They'll just nuke the place."

"Good plan. Just give us time to get out from under the mushroom cloud first," Cody said.

It's happened.

This book completed it's transformation into a made for TV SyFy Original movie

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 13:03
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Orthodox Rabbit
Jun 2, 2006

This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!
 All the oomph has completely left this book now that its become a generic good vs evil thing.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 14:28
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Mel Mudkiper
Jan 19, 2012

At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.
what is the villains' motivation anyways

It also seems like he never intended this to be a series because this is basically the biggest escalation possible so there cannot really be any raising of the stakes in later stories

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 14:48
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

quote:

The lead Suburban braked before the National Guard checkpoint. An old M113 armored personnel carrier, basically a bulletproof box on treads, blocked the road. The soldiers had been driven under cover, sitting in their vehicles trying to stay out of the horrible rain, lashing wind, and scattered frog showers. They regarded us warily as our convoy approached. One of the soldiers manned the big .50 mounted on the armored personnel carrier and swiveled it in our general direction.

Boone and Harbinger exited the lead vehicle and approached the soldiers, hands held wide, indicating that they were no danger. After the events of the last few days, the soldiers weren't going to take any chances. I noted that having the APC parked in the center of the road was kind of redundant, since the storm had blown several large trees down, forming a very effective roadblock right behind their position. Some smart NCO had some of his men spread out into the trees.

"Poor guys. Stuck out in this weather. What are they supposed to do if a tornado hits? Hide under that tank?" Trip asked.

"It's their job. They're doing what they have to do," Lee said. I felt his hands pull on the back of my seat as he tried to get a better view. "I hope they let us through."

The radio crackled, "Pitt. Come up here. Just you."

"Roger that," I answered. "Be right back, guys." I pulled my black raincoat tight and stepped out of the warm vehicle into the screaming rain. The coat was bulky and long enough that it hid Abomination. I wasn't about to go anywhere this close to the Cursed One without my gun. I struggled to hold my hood down as the wind tried to tear it away. Branches tumbled across the road. It was raining sideways. I splashed down the road, past several other vans and SUVs, Hunters inside looking out at me from their relative comfort. I reached the roadblock.

Boone was speaking with one of the Guard. They appeared to be arguing. "What's going on?" I shouted to be heard over the wind.

"Boone's trying to bluster his way through. He just barely got out of the Guard himself and these are his people. They still won't let us through without permission from the Feds stationed at the cavern itself, and they ain't responding on the radio."

"Figure they're dead?"

"Something like that," he answered. "Do you sense anything?"

"I'm not psychic, Earl."

"Do me a favor and try," he ordered. "You have a connection with this thing. We need to exploit every advantage. It's worth a shot."

Now, logically I'm not sure if this should work. As far as we've seen, all of Pitt's premonitions came from having Byreika in his head and showing him things like Machado's memories. It hasn't really been established that Pitt has achieved any kind of psychic connection to the artifact itself.

But that doesn't stop Pitt from suddenly getting one!

quote:

Then I felt it. A growing presence. Darkness. Age. Power. Masters. I could feel the alien thoughts—the confidence in their strength and their combined ability to crush any number of humans. I could hear their voices, their communications, almost as if they were shouting;

Fools. You have slept so long. You do not know the power of the Hunters' modern weapons. Return and protect our Lord.

We fear no human, Jaeger. I have seen their puny "cannon."

We shall crush them and feast. Calm thyself, young one.

I was one of them. Y'all don't know what you're getting into. Things have changed since your day, you old bastards.

Silence. I have no time for your cowardice. Hide in your cave, female, for we walk in the daytime. Now is our time to reign.

Fine. Underestimate them and see what happens.

As Trip was so fond of pointing out, pride comes before the fall. Most of the vampires ignored the admonitions of Jaeger and Susan warning them of the dire power of our modern weapons. These Masters had slept through the last few centuries, and they held no fear of man. They were coming up the road, heading right toward us, no subtlety, not even rushing, taking their time and savoring their assured victory. We only had a few minutes.

Pitt tells Harbinger that there's some old, cocky Masters coming to tangle with them. Harbinger blusters his way to the front and tells Lt. McNab of the National Guard that they're about to come under attack by vampires and there's an undead infestation in the cavern they're protecting. As expected, McNab laughs really loud and tells them to move on before he shoots all of them. Then an older soldier walks up.

quote:

"Excuse me, sir?" the other soldier said. He tapped the lieutenant on the shoulder.

"Yes, Sergeant?" the young man responded.

"I know this man." He nodded at Boone. "This is Sergeant Jay Boone. Nineteenth Special Forces. I worked with him in Afghanistan. He's one of us."

"How's it hanging, Gregorius?" Boone asked.

"Pretty good. Did you get a medal for Kandahar?"

"Yep, and a purple heart, and my medical discharge. Now I'm back to monster hunting."

"Sergeant, what is this nonsense?" shouted the lieutenant.

"Sir, if this man says that we are about to come under attack, I believe him. We'd best let these folks through to do their job."

"I'm under orders, drat it!" he shouted. "Nobody goes through here unless the FBI says so, and they aren't responding!"

"They ain't responding because they're dead," Harbinger answered. "Boone, Pitt, let's fall back while these guys get killed. Good luck, Sergeant. Have your men save their last bullets for themselves."

"Wait," said Gregorius, "Boone, you said undead. Like that thing we found buried in Bagram? The one that ate Chris?"

"No, sorry dude. Way worse. Master vampires. That thing we found was just a pussy ghoul."

"Dang. Hold on." He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, deep in thought, before turning toward his men. "Defend against the park, enemy is incoming. Prepare to fire on my command." The soldiers complied instantly to their seasoned NCO. Harbinger immediately clicked our radio twice. Doors opened and Hunters spread out, many sloshing across into the trees. Sunroofs were rolled back and belt-fed machine guns or MK19 grenade launchers were lifted into their mounting brackets. The armed Suburbans rolled forward, and pulled off to the sides, forming a front.

"What are you doing? There's no such thing as vampires."

"Shut up and grab your rifle, sir. If we live you can put me in for a court-martial. Boone, what should we do?"

The National Guard has two squads, plus the vehicles. Most of them are admin pogues according to Gregorius. McNab starts trying to order the men's arrest, but goes into shock when the trailer opens up and the orcs saddle up on the giant wargs for battle. Pitt narrowly manages to get him pointed in the direction of the correct monsters.

quote:

The road stretched ahead almost three hundred yards before disappearing over the top of a lush hill. The Hunters had spread into the forest on both sides. Strange that Harbinger had spoke of a valley of death, and now we found ourselves in one. I turned and found my team waiting, loaded down with heavy weapons, looking to me for guidance. I looked to Harbinger, he nodded to one side, and I went. The others followed. He continued to bark orders into the radio, giving each team lead an area of responsibility, and most notably telling VanZant's team to, "Dig in the big guns."

We set up in a small ditch off of the road, with a good view of the approach and a small amount of cover. Once again I was waist-deep in water, this time from the flash floods. Just once I would like to hunt monsters someplace dry, but as a good rule of thumb, if you could get lower, you do it. Lee threw down the tripod, and Trip dropped the FN MAG machine gun onto it. I was pleased to see that they did it exactly how Sam had taught us, quickly and surely opening the feed cover and sliding in the belt of silver .308. Lee hunkered down behind the big weapon. Holly handed me an RPG. The heavy tube was reassuring in my hands. Everyone dug down into the ditch, prepared to fight. Nervous but competent. Scared but professional. We were ready to put some smack down. Not bad for an accountant, a librarian, a schoolteacher, and a stripper. Not bad at all.

"Ready, guys?" I asked.

"We got a choice?" Lee asked over the stock of the Belgian machine gun.

"Not really."

The air goes quiet and the four Master vampires appear walking through the fog. They're graceful, beautiful, and dressed in completely normal civilian clothes that they probably took off recent victims. They just look like regular people out for some exercise.

quote:

"Man . . . I would give my left nut for some sunshine right about now," Trip whispered.

"It isn't like you're using it for anything anyway," Holly retorted.

"Will you shut up?"

Make Holly the protagonist.

Pitt hefts an RPG, checks to make sure the safety is off and the hammer is cocked, and puts the vampires right in the center of the 200 meter aperture.

quote:

The radio crackled: One click, two clicks, three clicks.

Fire.

The Hunters opened up. Hundreds of bullets struck first, followed almost instantly by rockets and grenades, and only a few seconds later by the massive explosions generated by our 81mm mortar team's nine-pound shells. Weapons ignited all across the valley. I squeezed the trigger of the RPG. It was a simple tube that directed a rocket-propelled chunk of high explosive. The concussion was amazing. If this hadn't been so deadly serious it might possibly have been the coolest thing I had ever gotten to shoot. I found that I was smiling as the area around the vampires disappeared into a cloud of smoke and dust, with gouts of flames leaping into the air and chunks of dirt and asphalt raining down for hundreds of feet.

It was beautiful.

The ancient ones had underestimated their human foes. They were unprepared for the power of our modern weapons. Pound after pound of high explosive ignited in their midst. Multiple belt-fed MK19 launchers dropped a stream of grenades onto their heads. Walls of shrapnel tore them asunder and their bones and flesh were charred by phosphorus, thermite, napalm and towering pillars of flame.

One of the vampires leaps up, still on fire, and begins charging forward. An RPG blows it into the sky, but it heals almost immediately and gets right back up. The SPG-9 they dragged out from the Shackleford Plantation makes a direct hit and blows it to pieces sailing into the sky, but even after landing the one-armed torso continues pulling itself forward.

quote:

"No way, man!" Lee shouted as he directed a stream of tracers into the body. The heavier rounds from the National Guard Browning .50 began to pepper the carcass as well, kicking up gouts of dirt and vampires bits.

"Edward. Go! All teams hold fire along the front," Harbinger ordered. He was still standing by the National Guard, and he personally made sure that they ceased fire.

A dark shape exploded from the trees, leaping in huge bounds across the burning grass and rain-swollen ditches, claws tearing up plumes of mud and vegetation. Edward hugged low to the mane of the mighty warg as it moved with predatory speed toward the downed Master. Edward drew a sword from his back as he leaned low, hanging barely above the ground as they approached their target. The orc's arm flew upward, like a scythe ready to harvest wheat. It swung down, pushed not just by the power of the orc, but by the speed of the seven-hundred-pound beast driving him forward.

Edward's masterful aim was true. The ancient blade sang through the air. It met little resistance from the charred and ashen flesh, and it crashed against the hardened vertebra with a clang that every Hunter could hear. Did he make it through?

The warg passed by, screeching to a mud-soaked halt, before spinning around, red tongue rolling like a giant dog, tearing at the earth and charging back at the vampire. Edward sheathed his sword, hung low, and dragged his fingers through the grass. He swung up, returning to the back of his stead, a trophy held triumphantly above his head.

It was a blackened skull.

Pitt listens to the psychic conversation of the vampires, shocked by the power of modern human weaponry. However, one of them realizes that the explosives require distance and asks Machado to use the artifact to place it closer to the humans. He turns and spots a swirling energy in the air near the trucks and just barely warns everyone in time for the rift to open.

quote:

The creature appeared through the rift, stepping lightly onto the grass. Blood-colored eyes blinked, adjusting to what was, for it, brilliant light. It had already shed its human appearance, ready for battle, looking like a twisted, gray, hulking bat-thing, all fangs, muscles and claws. It saw me.

Too late to do it any good. I jerked the stake upwards, bellowing, my weight and momentum carrying me forward. Crashing into the vampire was like hitting a brick wall. I pushed the stake with all of my might, coming under the rib cage and stabbing into the pulsing black heart. The vampire shrieked so painfully loud that my hearing protection momentarily shorted out. It grasped my hand, trying to pull out the stake. Its jaws opened wide enough to fit my head inside the maw. I continued to push the sharpened wood deeper into the creature's black heart.

A stake through the heart would kill any living thing. It would instantly paralyze any regular vampire. On a Master, it seemed to merely weaken it. At its normal strength, the creature would have been able to break me in half, now it was almost as if I were fighting someone only twice as strong as a normal person.

The creature swatted me across the chest. I flew back, airborne for what seemed an impossible time, landing hard on the hood of one of the SUVs, shattering the windshield, and sliding down until I fell on my hands and knees onto the pavement. The vampire struggled to pull the stake free. Trip and Lee barreled into the creature, hacking wildly at it with their blades, trying desperately to take its head off. The monster shoved them away, but not before Trip fiercely planted his tomahawk into the base of its skull.

With a wrenching squeal, the stake was torn free. The creature roared in triumph, but only for a moment. Its eyes widened as the grill of a Suburban smashed into it at thirty miles an hour. The tires bumped as Holly gunned it over the fallen vampire, crushing it beneath. She slammed it into park, with the thing still trapped, opened the door and hopped out.

"Keys were in it!" she shouted as she turned and pulled a grenade from her armor. "Run!" She pulled the pin, the spoon popped off with a clang, and she tossed it into the front seat of the vehicle. I pushed myself up and ran for my life, trying to get as far away as I could before the five-second fuse went off. If that vehicle had been as loaded down with munitions as ours had been, this wasn't going to be pretty. The vampire bench-pressed the SUV off of itself and rolled the vehicle onto its side. It stood, broken bones quickly knitting, looking for prey.

Kill Pitt now and make Holly the protagonist of every future book.

The grenade goes off with a thump, which in turn detonates a pressurized napalm tank and a crate of mortar rounds nearby. The van Pitt is hiding behind is rocked onto two wheels and all the windows shatter as the concussion nearly blows it over on top of him. The Suburban is nothing but a pile of burning scrap metal and the vampire is nowhere to be seen.

quote:

"Have you seen Trip?" He shook his head in the negative.

"Oh no . . ." Holly trailed off. "I killed him."

"You don't know that!" I shouted. "Trip! Can you hear me!"

Nothing.

Whoops.

quote:

"Look." Lee gestured with the machine gun barrel. I turned quickly, hoping to see my friend. Instead I saw that the flickering rift into the cavern was still open. It floated a few feet above the ground, a door out of nothing, but I could clearly see that there was something on the other side. I lifted Abomination warily, clicked on the flashlight and shined it into the shimmering gap. The powerful light pierced the darkness and illuminated a rock wall.

"Grant!" I exclaimed. Grant Jefferson was lying bound and gagged on the cavern floor, seemingly only forty feet away. "Earl! Earl! We found Grant. We've got a back door into the cavern!"

"On the way," he responded.

"We better hurry before it closes," Lee said.

"How do we know it isn't a trap?" Holly asked. "What if it closes while we're halfway through?"

"I don't know." Wild gunfire crackled through the forest as the other Hunters battled the two Masters. "We've got to try." I reached into a pocket and pulled out a handful of glow sticks. "I'm going in. I'll try to grab him and bring him out. Cover me." I cracked the sticks, shook them, and tossed them through the rift. They landed and scattered across the cavern floor, providing a soft green glow. I couldn't see anything else moving.

"Good luck," Holly said, "you big brave idiot."

There's no break in the text, but I'm stopping here because this battle goes on for loving ever.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 14:54
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PittTheElder
Feb 13, 2012

:geno: Yes, it's like a lava lamp.

Mel Mudkiper posted:

what is the villains' motivation anyways

Seriously, last I checked I thought he was trying to become King of Portugal? Or did getting hosed up by his lieutenant guy (the tattood man?) just make him insane and ~*~evil~*~.

E: aw gently caress I got sniped by a while chapter.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 14:54
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

PittTheElder posted:

Seriously, last I checked I thought he was trying to become King of Portugal? Or did getting hosed up by his lieutenant guy (the tattood man?) just make him insane and ~*~evil~*~.

E: aw gently caress I got sniped by a while chapter.

For Machado, I think he's decided to use his powers to upgrade from "King of Portugal" to "King of the Universe". He seemed to be a pretty small thinker as a human, before he realized just what kind of power was within his grasp.

For the Masters, I'm not sure. Maybe he promised them positions of power when he conquers all of time?

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 15:08
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anilEhilated
Feb 17, 2014

But I say fuck the rain.

Grimey Drawer

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

All the oomph has completely left this book now that its become a generic good vs evil thing.
What oomph?

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 18:05
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Renegret
May 26, 2007

THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy
This book would be so much better if it just never changed from the first chapter and was just about a completely average actuary who's desperately trying to get their reports submitted on time but these gosh dang werewolves keep putting him behind schedule.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 18:10
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Orthodox Rabbit
Jun 2, 2006

This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!

Renegret posted:

This book would be so much better if it just never changed from the first chapter and was just about a completely average actuary who's desperately trying to get their reports submitted on time but these gosh dang werewolves keep putting him behind schedule.

"You're over the tax turn-in deadline, and I'm here to fix that"
*bashes a werewolf in the head with a 10 key calculator*

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 18:31
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Renegret
May 26, 2007

THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy
"That was my great-grandpappy's abacus!" Pitt shouted at the werewolf, moments before snapping it's neck with his bare hands.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 18:34
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

Renegret posted:

This book would be so much better if it just never changed from the first chapter and was just about a completely average actuary who's desperately trying to get their reports submitted on time but these gosh dang werewolves keep putting him behind schedule.

Or make the book the same, but have him just be a regular accountant instead of an accountant who's also a street fighter and world-class marksman the size of a refrigerator.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 18:37
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Orthodox Rabbit
Jun 2, 2006

This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!

chitoryu12 posted:

Or make the book the same, but have him just be a regular accountant instead of an accountant who's also a street fighter and world-class marksman the size of a refrigerator.

A regular person trying to come to grips with the reality of suddenly having to fight the stuff of nightmares would be much more interesting than pitt who somehow has been training his entire life for a job that nobody knows exists

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 18:39
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Up Circle
Apr 3, 2008
 wasn't he also extreemely skilled at accounting

whatever that means

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 18:53
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ShinsoBEAM!
Nov 6, 2008

"Even if this body of mine is turned to dust, I will defend my country."

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

A regular person trying to come to grips with the reality of suddenly having to fight the stuff of nightmares would be much more interesting than pitt who somehow has been training his entire life for a job that nobody knows exists

Remember this was originally a self-published work that was targeted towards fans of his web-fiction on a gun forum. So he is targeting the people who basically do this training or at least fantasize about it as a hobby.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 19:16
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

ShinsoBEAM! posted:

Remember this was originally a self-published work that was targeted towards fans of his web-fiction on a gun forum. So he is targeting the people who basically do this training or at least fantasize about it as a hobby.

I mean, you can still write ultra-nerdy gun porn with a protagonist who isn't such a badass that he gets asked to teach SEALS how to fight. You just know enough about how guns work and what different models there are that you can write really detailed descriptions of the act of shooting. If you've never shot a gun before, it's a very visceral experience. That .357 on Pitt's ankle should have felt like an ice pick jabbing him in the ears when he fired it indoors, the concussion blasting him in the face and the office filling with the smell of burnt powder. A submachine gun going off in an environment like a ship corridor sounds like a long bass boom and you feel it in your chest, to say nothing of half a dozen guys lighting off with UMPs.

You should never write about guns going off, especially indoors, with anything but a good idea of how much of a full sensory experience it can be.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 19:52
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Somebody Awful
Nov 27, 2011

BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

A regular person trying to come to grips with the reality of suddenly having to fight the stuff of nightmares would be much more interesting than pitt who somehow has been training his entire life for a job that nobody knows exists

It would.

* # ? Jun 12, 2018 21:36
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

quote:

I ran toward the rift, no use screwing around. I closed my eyes right before I hit it, only to open them to find myself barreling into the cavern. I had not felt a thing. I gulped in the moist cave air. I turned around, and the rift was still there, only now it showed the valley and the ominous green storm clouds overhead. My remaining teammates were waiting for me.

"Hurry up!" Holly shouted.

That was good advice. I swung my shotgun around, letting the light shine on the damp walls and the slick stalagmites. I did not see any threats. I shined the light on Grant. He moaned softly when the brilliant light hit him.

"Come on, buddy, let's get out of here." I knelt at his side and pulled the gag away.

"Pitt?" he gasped. I heard something shuffle in the darkness. I spun the light around. Wights. Lots of them.

"Yeah. Time to boogie." I grabbed him by the straps of his armor and, with a grunt, hoisted him over my shoulder. I sprinted for the rift, ignoring the two hundred pounds of extra weight. The wights began to scramble over the rocks toward me. One stepped into my path, only to be nearly decapitated by a burst of Lee's machine-gun fire. Apparently bullets went through the rift just fine. I passed the falling creature and jumped through the portal.

I was back outside.

And the wights were right behind. Lee ripped off the rest of the belt into the portal. Holly stood at his side, blasting any undead that came too close.

"We could use a hand, chief!" Lee said as he dropped the huge gun, pulled his pistol and fired at an approaching wight.

I roughly tossed Grant on the ground, tugged a pair of grenades off of my webbing, pulled the pins and chucked them through the portal. "Off to the side!" The others responded, moving out of the path of the shrapnel. They exploded at the feet of the wights, blasting them into bits of pulsing tissue. A cloud of gravel fell from the cavern ceiling.

It's hard to tell how excited Julie is to see Grant now that she's had sex with an animate dump truck, but it doesn't last long.

quote:

"Die!" Grant screamed. He grabbed me by the throat, trying to crush my windpipe. I grabbed his hands and tried to pry them away.

"Grant! What are you doing?" Julie cried. "Stop that!"

"Acckkkkk . . ." I said, trying in vain to get some oxygen.

"Die, interloper!" Grant shouted, crazed eyes bulging, spraying spittle into my face. Either he knew that I had moved in on Julie or he was insane. Either way, it totally hurt.

"He's enthralled," Holly said simply. "Susan must have bitten him."

Julie stood over him, calmly raised the butt of her M14 and cracked him sharply alongside his head. He was out like a light. "Grant, honey . . . I think we need to start seeing other people."

Yeah, Grant never recovers from this. He's doomed to spend the rest of canon as Julie's lame ex, abandoned within 24 hours of his kidnapping. Holly pulls his collar aside and finds that he's bitten, which means he's guaranteed to return as a vampire upon death unless they decapitate his body.

quote:

"Okay, I'm on point. You guys stick behind me . . ." He paused, his nose twitching. Harbinger began to spin, but the Master vampire rising behind him was too fast. It grabbed him by the straps of his armor and hurled him through the air at an insane velocity. Harbinger struck one of the SUVs, crumpling the frame around him as if it had been in a high-speed collision and shoving the massive vehicle several feet across the road.

Nobody could have lived through that.

"Earl!" Julie cried as the Hunters opened fire.

It was the Master from the rift, the one that Holly had blown up. It was fully healed now, and no longer encumbered by a stake in the heart. Bullets struck to no effect. It lofted something in one gray claw, and launched it toward us in a blinding flash. Lee's leg exploded in a shower of blood as Trip's tomahawk head pierced his thigh. He screamed as he toppled to the ground.

The Master moved too quickly to track, dodging and weaving toward us as silver bullets dug divots into its muscled flesh. It swooped onto Gus. One claw stabbed out and impaled the Hunter through the throat, unleashing a spray of arterial blood. The vampire held him there as it licked its lips. I aimed around Gus's twitching form and shot the vampire in the mouth. The slug exploded out the back of the creature's skull. The wound closed instantly. Enraged, the vampire pulled its bloody talon free, leaving Gus staggering, gagging and choking, hands at his throat, trying to stop the bleeding. The Master lashed out with one arm, and I instinctively dodged aside as Gus's head flew past.

Ahhh, Gus. We hardly knew ye. No really, you only appeared in the last chapter and nobody's ever brought you up before.

The vampire breaks Sam's arm; he one-hand cocks his lever-action and puts a silver bullet through its skull, but it barely slows the Master down. Milo tries to charge it using his rifle like a spear, but the vampire throws him through the portal into a crowd of wights. Seeing no other option after running his buckshot magazine dry, Pitt loads up the 5-round magazine of special shells from Milo.

quote:

The vampire stopped, confused. Pain was an unfamiliar sensation for the ancient creature. It looked down at the hole in its chest, then opened its jaws and screamed. It tore at itself, trying to somehow pull the burning agony from out of its insides. Thrashing, screaming, falling to its knees, claws tearing into the ground. Blue flames erupted from the hole, spilling through the vampire's ribs, igniting internal gasses, spitting and crackling. The vampire let out an unearthly wail as it tried to tear open its own belly.

"Take that!" I shouted as I pulled the trigger again. Nothing. Of course. Milo had warned me that the specialty rounds would lack the power to cycle the action.

When I had woken up after Mordechai's death, I had been able to get a good look at his little carvings for the first time. They were simple little tops, or dreidels as he called them. Traditional little Jewish toys, each side carved with a Hebrew letter that I had no idea how to read. They were rather small. And fortunately for us, with a little judicious carving, Milo was able to cram them into a 12-gauge shell.

I honestly can't believe Pitt has never heard of a dreidel until now. Didn't everyone learn about Hanukkah in elementary school?

quote:

I cleared the malfunction, and chambered another round. I put the glowing holographic site on the vampire. "Mordechai says hi!" It was a stupid thing to say, but I'm not really eloquent at times like this.

Blue flame flashed on the vampire's head as the toy splintered across its skull. The vampire screamed again, rolling across the ground, driving its head into the mud, trying to put out the flames.

The toys seemed to hurt them, but they weren't strong enough to kill them, and I only had three left. Gradually the blue flames died, and the shaking vampire stood, snarling at me, baring its teeth. The distended mouth struggled to form English words. "You shall pay for that, mortal," it hissed as smoking tissues sealed together.

"Vampire!" someone roared. "Pick on somebody your own size!" The vampire turned, looking for the challenger. Harbinger slowly pulled himself from the wreckage of the SUV, blood streaming from dozens of cuts. He gingerly reached over his back and yanked out a blood-stained chunk of steel, which he then casually tossed to the ground with a clatter. "If you think you're tough enough." He stretched, and bones audibly cracked back into place. "Well, come on then, you stupid thing." He unfastened the armor from his torso and arms and took it off. In the flickering light of the burning Suburban, many holes and injuries could be seen on his wiry body. They gradually puckered closed. "Come on, vampire! I'm giving you a challenge!"

The vampire stopped. Flexing its long limbs. "Loup-Garou," it hissed. "Yesss. I accept your challenge. Your kind are nothing to the vampire."

Somehow even hearing this doesn't clue Pitt in. He really is dumb as a brick.

quote:

Harbinger looked past the creature, locking eyes with me. It was the look of a desperate man. "Go! Kill the Cursed One!"

Harbinger began to change, throwing his head back as if he were in great pain, and then twisting it from side to side. He fell to his knees, hands scraping along the pavement. Bones twisted, flowed, and re-formed. His spine pushed up and out along the top of his back. Skin stretched and ripped as pale hair exploded from every pore.

The others did not wait to watch the transformation. Instead they sprang into action. Sam jumped into the rift after Milo. Holly threw a tourniquet around Lee's leg, and Julie ordered the other Hunters to drag Lee and Grant to safety. I stood transfixed like an idiot.

The transformation continued as the vampire waited, patiently readying itself for a great battle. Harbinger opened his mouth and razor-sharp teeth thrust out of his extending jaw. His pants ripped as his knees reversed direction. Claws exploded through the ends of his boots and he kicked the useless things away. When his eyes opened, they were a predatory gold. He fixated on the vampire, and howled, the sound echoing for miles. Harbinger surged to his feet, clawed arms thrown wide, the last vestiges of humanity disappearing to be replaced with pure animal power. The howl continued, growing in intensity and bristling rage.

If Mr. Huffman had been a normal werewolf, Harbinger had to be some sort of mutant super werewolf. I could sense the power, every ounce of his human form turned into a perfect killing machine. Coiled strength, steel masquerading as muscle. I slowly reached up and felt the scar on my face. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever seen.

Harbinger launched himself forward, leaping into the air. The Master did so as well. The two titans collided in midair with a crash like thunder, nearly twenty feet above the ground. They plummeted to earth in a spray of mud, claws and fangs flying, impossibly fast, shadows spinning and lashing out, backlit by the fire. Red blood and black ichor sprayed as they tore into each other's flesh. It was a contest of wills, immortal speed and primal strength.

"Owen!" Julie shouted. "We've got to move!" The others had already jumped through the rift. A moaning Lee was being fireman-carried back toward the National Guard. I hurried after her, turning one last time to watch the magnificent battle: Harbinger suspended in air, tearing down at the vampire, and the Master driving its claws upwards into its foe. It was an astounding display. Julie grabbed me by my armor and pulled me through the rift.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdhhQhqi_AE

* # ? Jun 14, 2018 22:04
  • Quote
Orthodox Rabbit
Jun 2, 2006

This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!
 Poor Grant, never actually did anything wrong and now everyone hates him.

* # ? Jun 15, 2018 15:06
  • Quote
Ysengrin
Feb 13, 2012

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

Poor Grant, never actually did anything wrong and now everyone hates him.

For the unforgivable crime of dating the lady the main character likes, the sentence is death.

* # ? Jun 15, 2018 17:53
  • Quote
chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

quote:

DeSoya Caverns were quiet. The last of the wights were twitching on the ground—shot, chopped or pulverized into nondangerous pieces. Sam extended his good arm and hauled Milo to his feet. Holly was splattered with Lee's blood, and there was far too much of it.

The rift closed behind us. I swore and jumped aside, just barely missing being caught as it scissored shut. I did not want to dwell on what would have happened if part of me had still been on the other side.
"Well, we're committed now," Sam grunted, holding his broken arm tenderly.

"Earl's a werewolf?" I blurted.

"Well, yeah, I'll explain later. What's our status?" Julie ordered, settling subconsciously into command mode. She scanned her flashlight across the vast interior chamber, illuminating the huge area beyond the pale glow of the light sticks. The stone glimmered wetly.

"Heck if I know," Milo wheezed.

"Lee was hurt pretty bad. I tried to stop the bleeding, but he's going to need a real doctor real fast," Holly said. "Poor Gus. His head just came off . . ."

"I know . . . but we can't do anything for either of them now. Holly, are you okay?"

"Fine. I'm fine."

"Sam, how's that arm?"

"Done broke it," he said. "Stupid vampire. I ain't broke a bone since I gave up bull-riding."

"Can you fight?"

He snorted. "I got a spare." His forearm dangled in such a crooked direction that it made me slightly ill just looking at it. Sam had to have been in horrible pain, but he ignored it.

"Let's sling it up at least so it isn't banging on things. Milo?"

"Sore, but otherwise all right. Lost my carbine though," he answered as he wiped the blood from a cut on his shaved head.

Sam tossed over his .45-70. "Not gonna do me much good with one arm anyhow. Careful, that there's a man's gun. Got recoil that'll put hair on your chest. I still got my pistol."

"Owen?"

"Good to go," I answered. I saw from the still-twitching remains that the wights had once been federal agents. I picked up an FN SCAR off of the floor and checked the chamber. The government guys got all the cool new gear. It was loaded. Full mag in the gun, 20 rounds of their composite silver .308 on tap. The mounted flashlight worked as well. I kept the Fed gun in hand and let Abomination hang. I only had a few of Mordechai's magic shells left and I wasn't about to waste them on a wight. If we were to run into one of the Masters, I wanted to have some of the good stuff available.

Holly is still upset and thinks she killed Trip because they can't find him, but the fact that we haven't seen him die means he's almost definitely alive.

Pitt takes point, his flashlight illuminating the hundreds of potential hiding spots in the caverns. They're paranoid as hell, as the stalactites, stalagmites, and other rock formations create jumping shadows every time the light moves. Eventually they find a natural pit with a rope barrier placed around it, filled with corpses.

quote:

I recalled the patients of Appleton Asylum. One of the survivors in their sharing circle had spoken of such a thing. Human captives held in a hole, serving as a vampire larder. Fed upon until they were almost dead, but then being left barely alive, as the undead rotated through their food. Allowed to regain their strength just enough to be bled again. There had to be ten people crammed in the hole, though they were all obviously dead now. The vampires must have feasted in preparation for this day.

Holly shoved her way past me, looking downward, biting her lip.

"Are you okay?" Julie asked her softly.

She held her glove under her nose to block the smell, then stayed focused on the bodies as she slowly spoke. "You have no idea what it's like."

"No, I don't."

"The weakness, the fear, the pain, the humiliation. You just want to die. Most folks do after the first couple feedings. They just give up. Then the fuckers pull the body out and chop it up and send it back down to you, and the thing is by then you're so hungry you don't care. You can't see. You don't know how long you've been in. No light. No air. Strangers pushing on you." There was a small crack in her hard emotional shield, but instead of sadness, there was only anger. "Trying to hide when they come down to feed. All of them scared, just cattle, stupid meat. And when they bite you, it hurts so bad. But at the same time you can feel them, and part of you wants to join them, you want to be them, and that's the worst part of all."

"But you're okay now," Julie assured her. "You made it out."

Holly removed an incendiary grenade from a pouch on her armor. "drat right I did." She pulled the pin and tossed it into the pit. "And when I eventually die—" The grenade exploded with a puff of flames, spreading out over the corpses, igniting their clothing and hair, burning skin and crackling fat, destroying them beyond the point of return. "—I'll need you guys to do this for me."

So that was Holly Newcastle's story.

"Good luck, friends," she whispered.

I patted her gently on the shoulder. She grimly hoisted her rifle and stepped away from the edge as oily smoke began to fill the cavern.

Yeah, I think someone here accurately predicted this about a month or two ago.

quote:

We pushed forward, away from the smell of burning hair and bone, deeper into the cavern, moving faster as nothing appeared to attack us. The portal was near. I could feel it. The section that we were entering had been roped off from the public, and it looked as if some sort of excavation had taken place. I illuminated a small information plaque.

I scanned the words. Some of them caught my eye. "Well, I'll be damned," I exclaimed. "Check this out." The others drew close.

Sam read the inscription aloud: "This section of the cavern is believed to have been a burial ground for the ancient peoples of the region . . . Blah, blah, blah, over two thousand years old, yada yada, great significance, evidence of ancient writing that may be an indication of an even older civilization . . . excavated in 1984 by, no poo poo . . . Dr. Jonas Turley and a team from the University of Alabama."

"That's what the seven were looking for. That's why they attacked his home," Julie said. "Of course . . . Dr. Turley probably found the portal, but didn't know what it was or how to open it. The Cursed One must have known about this place all along . . . but then why did they need my dad?"

"Hello there, honey." A sweet voice sang from the darkness.

I spun around and shined the flashlight on the spot. Nothing.

"Mom," Julie hissed. She swung her M14 around in an arc, searching for a target. Milo, Sam and Holly did likewise. Five sets of lights crisscrossed the cave. I could not hear anything over our nervous breathing. "Come out and fight!" she shouted into the dark, her voice echoing over and over.

"No. I don't want to fight you." The voice came from one side. I thought that perhaps I had caught a tiny bit of movement as the light flickered past. "You're my daughter. We don't need to be enemies." Now from the other side. I swung back around. drat Masters are fast.


Susan Shackleford does the same "Let's be a vampire family, sweetie" thing from that time Pitt made out with her and grabbed her butt (let us never forget that moment). She also confirms what was really obviously foreshadowed earlier: Myers didn't decapitate Ray like he was supposed to and tried to keep him alive for information, but Susan had actually snuck into the mansion the night they all arrived and turned Ray; he was so completely loyal to his wife that he would do anything for her, including becoming undead to join her.

quote:

"Owen . . . find that gate," Sam whispered. I turned back to the wall, desperately running my hands over the cool rock, looking for some indication of the Place of Power.

"Oh, my darling Sam. I can hear you. No need to whisper. That's impolite amongst friends. I always loved you for your heart and your courage. You can come with us too. Join my family."

He scowled and spit tobacco juice on the ground. "Susan, you were a mighty fine woman when you were alive and all, but personally I'd rather be gang-raped by giant, rabid, syphilitic porcupines, than join your shithead, hippie-commune, undead family, you scrawny-rear end, vampire skank whore." He wiped his good arm across his mustache. "It's gonna be a cold day in hell before you've got the balls to come down here and take an ounce of red American blood out of Sam Roger Haven, you slack-jawed, hare-lip, monkey-humping pus bag."

"So be it. Still stubborn as ever. And Milo. Faithful Milo. So loyal. So creative. I have a place of honor set aside for you."

"Uh . . . what Sam said, and stuff," Milo answered bravely. "Leave us alone. We aren't here for you. We just want Lord Machado. You don't want the world destroyed."

"Honey, my world is going to be just fine." She sounded closer now, right outside our circle of glow sticks, somehow evading the beams of our flashlights. She was coming for us, and soon.

As Susan approaches, backed by an army of dozens of wights, Milo steps forward. He tells Susan that the "real her" is still inside and that she can fight the evil of vampirism. Susan just thinks this is kinda funny. So Milo, the token Mormon in a book written by a Mormon, bows his head and prays.

Yeah. This is going in the direction you think it's going.

quote:

"Dude! Get down!" Sam shouted. "Move, you idiot!"

The faithful Hunter raised his head, smiled at us and winked. "Don't worry, guys. It's going to be okay. You had better get that portal opened, 'cause it's going to get real exciting up in here." He raised one arm as if to wave good-bye.

Susan charged forward, her black shape disappearing in a blur as she surged toward Milo. He said something quickly as the vampire reached for him. There was an explosion of bright light, blinding all of us, searing right through our eyes and into our brains. I saw Milo's skeleton through the flash. Good versus evil. Light versus dark. The cavern shook and dust and rock fell from the roof. Cracks appeared in the columns. The earth shook and I was thrown backward into Julie. Susan screamed, a great and terrible wail of pure hatred and evil. Lightning crackled across the chamber, tearing up chunks of rock.

I swear that I heard Milo's voice say; "Ooh . . . Pretty colors."

The wights, released from their psychic bonds, charged. The ones that ran too close to the clashing powers exploded in showers of sparks and flying meat. The others were going to be on us in seconds. Julie, Sam and Holly started to shoot. Our backs were against the wall. We had nowhere to go. I kept scrambling, looking for the exit. A wight leapt over a rock formation and landed directly in front of us. Sam shot it between the eyes and then kicked it backwards, impaling the creature on a sharp rock. He holstered his now empty pistol, unable to load fast enough with one hand, and drew his massive knife. With a roar he tore into the undead, slashing and hacking, cursing and swearing. He was an amazing fighter, somehow dodging the claws and fangs, while stabbing and cutting furiously at the horde. There seemed to be hundreds of undead, black teeth extended, claws raised. They kept coming.

The black cyclone that was Susan Shackleford crashed back under the curtain of light. Milo's faith had been far more powerful than she had expected. More wights burst into flames. Julie screamed in pain as a wight reached her, slashing across her side with its paralyzing claws. She fell limply to her knees as her limbs went dead. I reached out and grabbed her by the drag strap on her armor and pulled her away from the creature. Shielding her with my body, I lashed out and kicked the beast in the chest, crushing its ribs and sending it flailing back. We had to get out of here fast.

drat stupid door. I wish it were here.

A thin crack of red light moved down the rock in front of me. The portal gradually widened. All I had done was desire it to be there and it had worked.

That wasn't so bad, I thought to myself.

The cold tentacles of the Cursed One exploded through the rift, encircled Julie and me, and jerked us violently through the gate.

* # ? Jun 15, 2018 18:10
  • Quote
Dawgstar
Jul 15, 2017

Ysengrin posted:

For the unforgivable crime of dating the lady the main character likes, the sentence is death.

Also he was handsome. STONE HIM.

* # ? Jun 15, 2018 18:37
  • Quote
Orthodox Rabbit
Jun 2, 2006

This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!
 This means that all of Julie's recent boyfriends have gotten some embracing from her mom. Girl can't catch a break.

* # ? Jun 15, 2018 18:58
  • Quote
Cassius Belli
May 22, 2010

horny is prohibited

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

This means that all of Julie's recent boyfriends have gotten some embracing from her mom. Girl can't catch a break.

Julie's mom has got it going on.

* # ? Jun 16, 2018 02:20
  • Quote
chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

quote:

The writhing tentacles were wet and oily. They pinned my arms to my side. I struggled against them, but it was like being ensnared by a giant boa constrictor. I was momentarily blind inside the portal itself. There was no light in the tunnel to some other dimension. The air was thick and damp, and between that and the pressure on my lungs, I could barely breathe.

We were dragged through the other side and it slammed shut behind us, leaving only blank white sky. Julie's paralyzed form was roughly thrown onto the snow-covered ground. She rolled a few feet before stopping, seemingly unconscious, at the base of a tree.

I was spun around violently, only to come face to face with the Cursed One.

I had seen him in my dreams. I had seen him in visions. I had seen the world through the eye of his memory. I had felt his pain, fear, anger, lust and pride. I knew him better than he knew himself.

But none of that prepared me for actually meeting him in person.

I was frozen in terror. Rivulets of sweat turned into ice crystals. Every fiber of my being ached. My joints hurt to move. My eyes grated in their sockets. My teeth chattered compulsively as my body began to have involuntary convulsions. Here was pure evil. Hate beyond all human comprehension. I dangled above the ground, held by a thick tentacle that extended from under his robe where an arm should have been. I struggled helplessly in his grasp. The ancient helmet slowly lifted, and the crimson eyes bored into me.

YOU.

The word pounded inside my skull like a sledgehammer. His face was like a skull coated with cords of moving muscles that seemed to be made out of dirty congealed oil. He had no mouth.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WOULD BE YOU.

He swung me through the air. The tentacle relaxed, releasing me, sending me flying. I had time to scream before impact. I rolled painfully through the thick underbrush, scattering snow, crackling roots, and breaking branches. We were on some sort of hilltop, and I slid and crashed violently as momentum and gravity took me down. I finally slid to a stop, lying in a pile of wet slush. I was in terrible pain. I rolled over onto my back, staring up at the trees of the winter wonderland.

Jaeger appears by Machado's command, still in his leather trench coat because Nazis never change. Pitt points his SCAR-H at him (I forgot to mention this, but Correia really wanted the SCAR in the book but had trouble justifying it in 2001 so he just handwaved it as a prototype 3 years before the gun was actually designed in real life).

quote:

"Freeze, asshat. That's a nice coat. I'd hate to put some holes in it."

Jaeger stopped and ran his long fingers down the seam of his coat. "Yes, it is made out of children. Very supple leather, and such a lovely fragrance." He smiled slightly, revealing his fangs. His hatchet face began to blur and shift into his true form.

Oh come on.

quote:

I NEED A LIVE SACRIFICE. DO NOT KILL HIM.

Jaeger's transformation stopped, and he once again appeared human. "Pity." He moved toward me.

I put the sight at his groin and pulled the trigger. I leaned into the weapon, controlling the recoil, driving the gun, stitching the vampire in one continuous twenty-round burst. The Feds' composite silver ammunition penetrated a few inches of flesh before exploding in a violent cloud of powdered metal. The bolt locked back empty.

Jaeger stumbled in the snow. His flesh was ripped asunder, his clothing hung in tatters, and black fluids spilled onto the white ground. Almost instantly he was whole again and striding my way. His hatchet face was a mask of fury.

I dropped the smoking, hot FN and lifted Abomination. Jaeger appeared before me, having covered the distance in an impossible amount of time. The Saiga barked as I fired the special shell into his open mouth. The wooden projectile shattered and splintered in his throat, every bit of it instantly transforming into burning energy as it touched undead flesh. Blue fire burst from his face, coming out of his eyes, his ears, his nostrils and mouth.

I worked the bolt and shot him again, piercing his abdomen. I grasped the charging handle, pulled it back, ejecting the smoking plastic hull into the snow. The last of Mordechai's shells entered the chamber, and I immediately launched it into Jaeger's chest. His screams echoed through the trees as his entire body turned into a blue torch.

I released the silver bayonet, lifted the shotgun like an awkward spear and slammed it through his throat, twisting and sawing against his ironlike spine. I had to take his head off. It was my only hope. He punched me in the chest. Distracted from the fire burning inside his brain, it was a weak hit for a Master, but still threw me back into a pine tree.

I lay with my back against the cold bark, gasping for breath. The snowy branches settled around me, giving me the illusion of a quiet shelter. I reloaded Abomination just as Jaeger's burning skull face appeared through the branches. His eyeballs had melted, and were dripping down his cheeks. I flipped the selector to full-auto and let him have it. Abomination emptied itself in a split second, pumping his chest full of silver. Undeterred, Jaeger grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me from my shelter.

I drove Abomination forward, slamming the silver blade between his ribs and through his heart. Jaeger screamed as fluids erupted like a split hydrant. He lifted one fist overhead, ready to crush my brain. I could see my death looming in his burning sockets.

ALIVE, JAEGER. I WILL NOT WARN YOU AGAIN.

Correia just really likes his fight scenes to last as long as possible.

Pitt fires a 40mm grenade, which explodes behind Jaeger and only stumbles him. When that gets torn from his grip, he draws his STI and keeps shooting as Jaeger beats the absolute poo poo out of him. Pitt stupidly tries to kick him, which leads to his ankle being broken.

quote:

"I've obtained the sacrifice, my lord," the vampire proclaimed loudly. Lying flat on my back, I brought my knee back to my chest, lifted my pant leg and pulled the .357 from my ankle holster. Jaeger looked down at the little muzzle in wonderment.

"How many guns do you have?" he asked in exasperation.

"Lots." CRACK.

Of course the .357 does absolutely nothing to a vampire that tanked the Byreika Special. Jaeger yanks the gun out of his hand (breaking his trigger finger) and smashes it to pieces, then beats him into unconsciousness.

Pitt wakes up to Julie asking him if he's alive, which is a bit difficult to hear since one of his ears appears to be deaf. He's been beaten so badly that he can't even move. Julie is shackled with iron chains nearby, and estimates that the moon must be reaching its zenith; Pitt has been unconscious for hours and it's almost time for the sacrifice. Since he can't see too well, Julie describes them as sitting on an Assyrian pyramid in some snowy pocket dimension.

quote:

"Okay. Uh . . . the Cursed One and that Nazi are a couple hundred yards away. They're preparing some sort of altar. They're at the top of a small pyramid, hard to tell what it looks like since it has so much snow on it. They have that little box. I don't know how this dimension thing works, but the sky above is our sky. I can see our stars, and that's our regular old moon rising. So I think that we're still in Alabama, in the cave, only in someplace that's not really in our world. Maybe just kind of outside of it, but still connected. It must have taken some serious magic to build this thing. I wonder who did it? It has got to be at least two thousand years old." Her historical curiosity started to come out. "Sorry, I'm rambling."

"No . . . Your voice . . . is pretty."

How the hell has this guy ever gotten a girl?

Julie talks to Pitt to keep him awake, as he's so exhausted that he just wants to sit there and die peacefully. A little thinking about the implications of the world being destroyed gets him to decide that he'll keep fighting, even though he's so horrifically wounded that he's on death's door yet again.

Jaeger shows up to bring Pitt for the sacrifice; he tries to spit in Jaeger's face, but is so weak that he just kinda bubbles bloody saliva all over himself.

quote:

We stopped. I could no longer hear Julie. "I've waited so long for this," the vampire said with obvious pride. "I ended my mortal life in shame when the ceremony failed last time. Little did I realize the blessings I would receive for my dedication . . . the opportunity to live and serve once more. I took great pleasure in cutting the heart out of your Juden friend, and I will greatly enjoy seeing Lord Machado take yours. Such a remarkable time, indeed . . . Look upon your end, Hunter," the vampire crowed.

"Can't see . . . dumb rear end," I croaked.

"That just won't do." I felt something cold and wet drag across my eyes, moistening the blood. Then Jaeger brutally cracked my eyelids open with his long thumbnails. "Hmm . . . your blood is delicious. I will feast on your corpse once the ritual has been completed. I need to regain my strength. I will admit, you put up a good fight. You should be commended."

It even hurt to blink. I was able to see again, out of one eye at least. My right eye must have been blinded, put out in the beating. We stood at the base of a small pyramidal structure. Snow was thick in every direction, coating what appeared to be an alpine forest. The entire world seemed to be small. The horizon visibly lifted only a short distance away, as if we were in a small valley, and the sky seemed bowed. When I had first been tugged into the pocket dimension, I had fallen down what I had thought was a hill; rather, it was just the curved boundary of this small place. It was almost as if we were the occupants of a snow globe.
The ruins were in the center of the dimension—obviously the focal point. Jaeger dragged me up the stairs, my legs thumping up each stone step. I left a small trail of blood in the snow.

I tried to move my arms. Nothing. They were too badly broken to do anything other than quiver and hurt. One of my legs responded a bit. I was still wearing my armor, but I could not tell if I still had any of my weapons. I had lost all of my firearms, but maybe I still had a grenade on me. If I could get the pin out of a frag, that might put a kink in their ceremony. From what I had seen, it might not work if they had to scrape up the sacrifice with a spatula.

"My Lord Machado. I present the sacrifice."

PREPARE HIM FOR HIS FATE.

Jaeger tosses Pitt onto the sacrificial altar and shackles him, guaranteeing that even if he miraculously regained his strength he'd never be able to fight back. Machado still looks like a mass of oily tentacles in a vague humanoid shape, but now wearing his armor polished to a mirror sheen and opulent red silk robes. Jaeger brings up the old sack of Koriniha's bones, and it's revealed that he plans on using the artifact of Kumaresh Yar to bring her back to life.

quote:

The Cursed One gently set the box down amongst the bones. The pyramid began to shake. The stone beneath started to radiate heat. Water formed as the edges of the snow started to recede, revealing the structure's construction. Within seconds, rivulets of water were running off, snow swept away. The pyramid was not made of stone at all, but blocks of organic ivory. Each stone was larger than a man, carved from the tusks or horns of some impossibly ancient thing. Truly this was the Place of Power.

The bones started to shake by themselves. One by one, they rotated and moved, pulling into position, organizing the bits from chaos, taking form. The skull rolled a few times, righting itself as individual vertebrae formed a chain beneath. The jaw opened and closed. The finger bones curled together, clenched spasmodically, and scratched tears in the fabric of the ancient cloth.

"And the knee bones connected to the leg bone, and the leg bones connected to the hip bone," I sang stupidly. Jaeger cracked me alongside my face for interrupting their sacred moment.

Machado "gives himself" to Koriniha's skeleton, thankfully with his back to Pitt. There's a gross squelching sound and a smell of sulfur before he steps back, revealing Koriniha's horrifying new body. It's in the rough shape and form of her, but made of the same oily black material that Machado's body is.

quote:

The Cursed One encircled her in a horrible embrace, their faces melding together in what had to be their version of an impassioned reunion. Tentacles withered and slapped wetly against the ground, splattering me with oily droplets. He pulled away, her arms leaving black stains on his robe, his armor no longer gleaming, but now coated in slime. She stroked her fingers through the front of his face, his tissues parting as she touched the teeth of his yellow skull.

The dead flirt ugly.

MY PRIESTESS. I HAVE DONE AS YOU ASKED. I HAVE CROSSED THE IMPOSSIBLE GAP TO RETURN YOU TO THIS WORLD.

Surprisingly the priestess spoke aloud. Her voice was horrific, bubbling up from fluid-filled sacks, sounding like pouring tar. "My lord, you have done the impossible. Truly the prophecy has been fulfilled."

Machado gathers up his axe and Jaeger places the artifact by Pitt's head. He can sense the souls of hundreds of people, Byreika included, trapped inside the blade. Koriniha chants, causing glowing runes to lift off the pyramid and form into a sphere of energy. Pitt tries to warn Machado that he's just being used by the Old Ones to open a path and take over, but he ignores him because villains can never be sensible.

And now, finally, after all this loving time, Pitt remembers the prophecy.

quote:

He will come

Son of a great warrior

Auhangamea Pitt. The Green Beret legend. To his children he was just a normal man. A stern and distant father. Yet a display case over the family hearth held his Congressional Medal of Honor.

Taught in the skills of the world

The very first time I had met Julie, she had read from my file. Top of your class, passed the CPA exam the first time. I was an accountant. A man of numbers and spreadsheets. Facts and figures. Audits and accruals.

Yet drawn to the sword

But I was far more comfortable with a gun in my hand than a calculator. I would rather be in a brutal full-contact fight than fill out a 1040. The glowing line of the prophecy exploded as the ax hammered home.

His very name taken from

The weapon of his fathers

Owen. An obsolete piece of Australian scrap. A cheap stamped sheet-metal 9mm bullet hose. But it had kept my father alive while he had stayed one step ahead of the communist patrols.

Given a quest by the crown

To defeat an impossible foe

The Elf Queen had spoken to me. Dreamer. One last thing. Ya'll got a mission. Don't screw up. Or we all git dead. This here is serious, and I ain't just funnin ya . . . As Queen of the Enchanted Forest, I order ya'll not to fail. Kill the bad 'un, or it's all over. I had accepted her quest. It was my quest to stop the Cursed One that had landed me half-dead on this altar.

Possessor of visions

My brave friend Trip, now probably dead. You talk with ghosts. You see visions. You even managed to turn back the clock. Explain that if it isn't a miracle.

Leader of men

Earl Harbinger, smoking, trying to hide a slight smile, confident in his wisdom as the most experienced Monster Hunter in the world. I've got three Newbies that seem to think you're their leader. Trip, Holly and Albert would follow you anywhere. Whether you know it or not, you're a leader. That's good enough for me.

Ally of dark forces

The Wendigo loomed in my mind. Billowing skins under an antlered skull. Special Agent Franks, still in mud-covered armor, snapping his hand to his forehead in a salute of honor.

Friend of monsters

Skippy and his tribe dancing and rejoicing. A mighty werewolf tearing with fang and claw as he battled the undead.

The line of text shattered in the darkness.

I knew now.

Taught the skills of the world, such as accounting.

quote:

The priestess shrieked out an alien command. I was fully engulfed now in the whipping black energy. Lord Machado swung the weapon. The ax blade descended, screaming down toward my unprotected chest.

"No."

Time jerked spasmodically. There was a thunderous explosion and the ax was blasted spinning into the air. The Cursed One was flung across the top of the pyramid, slamming wetly against the ivory blocks.

Well, isn't that a convenient time to finally remember everything?

* # ? Jun 18, 2018 16:16
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Orthodox Rabbit
Jun 2, 2006

This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!
 I guess Correia reaaaally didn't expect much from his readers to need to slowly and in great detail explain THE PROPHECY like that.

* # ? Jun 18, 2018 21:09
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014
I actually cut halfway through this scene. It is long.

* # ? Jun 18, 2018 21:42
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Somebody Awful
Nov 27, 2011

BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED

chitoryu12 posted:

Jaeger tosses Pitt onto the sacrificial altar and shackles him, guaranteeing that even if he miraculously regained his strength he'd never be able to fight back. Machado still looks like a mass of oily tentacles in a vague humanoid shape, but now wearing his armor polished to a mirror sheen and opulent red silk robes. Jaeger brings up the old sack of Koriniha's bones, and it's revealed that he plans on using the artifact of Kumaresh Yar to bring her back to life.

I liked this setup better when it involved Brendan Fraser crashing the party.

* # ? Jun 18, 2018 23:56
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Democratic Pirate
Feb 17, 2010

 I hope the bad guys win

* # ? Jun 19, 2018 05:27
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014
I just want you to know that it’ll be a struggle to cover the rest of the final battle in one reasonable update. It’s that long.

* # ? Jun 19, 2018 05:39
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Baba Yaga Fanboy
May 18, 2011

chitoryu12 posted:

I just want you to know that it’ll be a struggle to cover the rest of the final battle in one reasonable update. It’s that long.

Chitoryu, I want you to know that, as always, you're doing the lord's work trudging through these books for our sarcastic amusement.

* # ? Jun 19, 2018 07:04
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Renegret
May 26, 2007

THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

Democratic Pirate posted:

I hope the bad guys win

:same:

* # ? Jun 19, 2018 12:08
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

quote:

I was in control now. I felt the power of the Old Ones coursing through my body. I could move again. Strength surged through my limbs. With one tug, the chains binding my wrists were shattered. I rose, forcing my way through the walls of black energy, a taste for violence in my mouth. I had been pushed too far, and now I was pushing back.

The Master vampire screamed in rage. Somehow I had harmed his lord, and now he descended on me in its full wrath. Jaeger twisted into his killing form, surging toward me at hundreds of feet per second. Claws descended in a flash of speed sufficient to turn rock into powder.

I blocked the claw, smashing the hardened bones of his arm into splinters. The vampire halted in shock. I wrapped my hands around his neck, spun him around and shoved him into the altar. Cracks rippled across the structure as I forced him down. He hit me like a freight train, hammering me with unbelievable force. I tried to tear him apart, but he was the strongest of all vampires. I could not destroy him.

There was a presence. I could sense it coming from the artifact. One of the prisoners, desperately calling my name. I stuck one hand back into the energy and felt something heavy and solid land in my palm.
It was Mordechai's cane.

I roared as I slammed it through Jaeger's chest. It served as a mighty stake, piercing the black heart. He screamed in impossible pain as the cane began to burn in blue fire. For six decades this thing had reigned nearly supreme in his world of undeath. Cursed with powers beyond comprehension, yet bound in servitude to another. Before that he had been just as evil, just as brutal, only in human form he had been a mere cog in the machine of death that had been his calling. He was a murderer, a tyrant, a king of evil. We stood face to face as the vampire tried to pull me into the conflagration. I slammed him back into the altar, again and again, gaining in strength and velocity. I crushed his form into the ivory, pulverizing it into bits.

He tried to crawl away, withering and burning. The flames of the cane would not allow him to change form. There was no escape. I snatched up my ganga ram, lifted the mighty weapon, and brought it down on the vampire's neck. The heavy blade struck true, and driven by my new strength, the hardened spine shattered on impact. His head landed at my feet. Black lifeblood streamed down the pyramid. His eyes looked up at me in confusion as his mouth tried to form words.

I kicked his head into the woods.

Pitt stomps toward Machado as the artifact rises into the sky. Somehow the killing of Jaeger has freed Byreika's soul from the artifact (?????????????), and Pitt hears his voice begging him to stop. Byreika knows that he's being used, but Pitt's fatal flaw of rage has overcome him. He slashes the Cursed One with his kukri, spraying black oil instead of blood. Machado's tentacles knock the blade out of his hand, but he grabs Machado's own axe.

quote:

Surging to my feet, I dodged as tentacles crashed into the ground, and wrenched the blade free. The polished wood felt natural in my hands, as if it belonged there. I twirled it overhead, and brought it down on his limbs, severing them in a smear of ichor. The black flesh tore at me, trying to pull through my ribs and into my heart. If I had not had the power of the Old Ones coursing through me, I would have died instantly. I grabbed the slippery tentacle with one hand, and tugged the Cursed One toward me. I slammed the spike of the ax forward, driving it between the crimson eyes. The scream echoed inside my skull. He may have been immune to all normal weapons, but there was nothing normal about his family's battle-ax.

He pulled away, knowing fear for the first time in centuries. I followed him, driven forward in a berserk frenzy. I brought the ax down, chopping, hacking and stabbing against the withering mass. Overhead the black sphere was growing, now filling the whole center space of the world. I drove the Cursed One back, until he balanced precariously at the edge of the pyramid. I swung the blade up, tearing through the face, striking the ancient bone beneath, and launching the helmet into the air. It disappeared upwards, engulfed in the maelstrom of the artifact.

The Cursed One was defeated. Limbs severed, fluids pouring out, shattered skull dangling, he stood on the edge. In the distance the walls of the world were shaking. The created dimension had come loose from its anchor, and we floated just above the surface of Alabama. The ground behind the Cursed One faded away, trees and rocks dropping toward the earth below as the created world began to disintegrate.

The armored breastplate was a target. It beckoned me. I was sure in my knowledge that the organ keeping the unnatural thing alive was beneath. I could feel it beating.

HOW CAN THIS BE? IT WAS MINE. MINE TO CONTROL. YOU HAVE TAKEN IT FROM ME. I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED.

Boy, stop please. Control your anger. You know now who you are. This is not way to finish this. This is what she wants. This is what Old Ones want.

SPARE ME. PLEASE.

The blade impacted the ancient armor and easily pierced through. The pump that served as Lord Machado's heart was cleaved in two. I tore the ax free. An explosion of gas and liquid erupted out of the hole in the armor, spraying me in the face. I gagged as some of the stuff entered my mouth. Lord Machado toppled, and rolled down a level, landing in an oily clump. Some of his blood drifted upward, caught in the pull of the artifact. The droplets disappeared into the mighty sphere.

No. What have you done? Mordechai cried. You doom us all!

Our hero has just hosed up everything beyond all reason.

The sacrifice is complete. Pitt spins around to find Koriniha holding Julie with a knife to her throat. Before he can process this, however, he hears a mighty roar and turns to find Abomination's silver bayonet zooming toward his throat.....and stops pressed right against his jugular. It's the Tattooed Man, Thrall, and he looks very surprised to see that his blade has been stopped. The priestess flings him away effortlessly with her mind.

quote:

"What took you so long?" the priestess asked nonchalantly.

"T'was a mighty werewolf about. There was a great battle to gain entrance to this foul place. Who art thou?"

She laughed. Julie cringed as the knife twisted against her neck. "Do you not remember me, Captain Thrall? It was I who led your general to his fate."

"Thou evil thing. I took thy life once. I shall do so again." Thrall's voice raised in volume and intensity. He changed direction away from me, now heading toward the priestess. "Thou stole the artifact from my hands. Thy minions left me buried beneath a mountain, but I will not die. I have vowed to keep the power from all. I have vowed upon the spirits of my Jarl ancestors. I have—" Koriniha's eyes narrowed and the Tattooed Man was again hurled through the air.

"Fool. I tire of you. Your use to us has ended," she hissed. He landed with a sickening thump. Abomination bounced out of his hands. "We needed you then. We needed a protector for the Kumaresh Yar, but no longer. Lord Machado had to work for it. He needed a nemesis. We could not just give him the artifact before the time was right. Thank you for your services, good Captain."

Thrall surged to his feet. He must have retrieved all of my weapons from the snow. He drew both of my .45s from behind his back and pointed them at the priestess, fingers seeking triggers. The priestess pushed them aside with a thought. Bullets struck the pyramid and ricocheted harmlessly into the distance. The STIs were torn from his massive hands and sent spinning away.

Thrall's powers were granted by the Old Ones, just like Machado. Now that his status as a protector is no longer needed, his powers are gone. The tattoos painfully rip from his skin (taking flesh with them), peeling him like an orange.

quote:

"I have been known by many names. You knew me as Koriniha, but that was just a part to play. Oh, how I tired of that act, fawning over your Lord Machado. He should have been the one, but he lacked the will. I have lived a thousand lives. I have trespassed upon this world since the beginning. I am Unwelcome, Uninvited. O mighty Captain, your people knew me as Azgeroth. The tribes that conquered your people thought of me as Hel." She turned to glare at me, her oil-slick face dripping onto Julie's hair. "I am a thing of legend. To your mentor, the ghost, to his people I was Lillith, though they have the story all wrong. To the nation that carried them away into captivity I was Zaltu, daughter of Tiamat. Temples have been built in my honor across this world, all forgotten now. I am a false god in your pathetic mortal pantheon. You sad apes have made idols of me for ten thousand years. I have waited patiently while you fools were sacrificing slaves and forming cults in my name. But who I am is not important. All you must know is that I am the one who prepares the way for the return of the Great . . ." she hissed an impossible sound that hit my brain like a sledgehammer. Julie cried out in pain and tried to lift her hands to cover her ears. The name of her master left me nauseous and stupefied.

"Do you understand now? In your visions, I was not speaking with that fool Machado. I was speaking to you. You are the one. Infinite power is at your fingertips. You are the rightful ruler of this world. You are destined to be a prince of . . ."

The impossible sound again. I clamped my hands over my ears. Julie screamed.

"Use your will to unlock it. All you have to do is wish for it." She glanced upwards at the roaring sphere. "Do it now or I will kill your love." She pressed the tip of the knife in deeper. Julie cringed.

Pitt realizes what the game is. The Old Ones physically can't exist in humanity's dimension, so they need to remake it to their image. With Pitt having the power of the artifact, all he has to do is will the gate open and he'll act as a conduit for the Old Ones to enter. The final part of the prophecy states that through his love of another, he will be able to break time and the world.

Koriniha stabs Julie's throat out.

quote:

"Noooo!" I screamed, charging forward, ax held high.

The priestess relaxed her grip and let Julie fall. She went slowly to her knees, her hands rising to her neck, futilely trying to stem the tide of blood. It slipped through her fingers, showering down her arms. Her life was pumping out.

My world died. I hurled the ax, sending it hurtling end over end. Koriniha did not move as it sped toward her face. The ax froze in midair, and then fell uselessly down. She glared at me and the power of her mind knocked me to the ground. I rose, only to be smacked down again, and then a third time. This time she put me into the pyramid hard enough to crack the ivory blocks. I clawed my way forward, trying to reach Julie.
The priestess let me. She stood, waiting impatiently, her sleek black form still dripping. She glanced up at the rift like a human would glance at a wristwatch. "Hurry this up, Hunter."

I pulled Julie into my arms. I sobbed. Her hands fell away from her neck as she slipped into unconsciousness. The wound was still spurting, but it was weak now. I pressed my fingers into the gash and tried to clamp the artery shut. It was too slippery. I could not lose her. Not like this.

"For love, human. The last piece of the puzzle. Your pathetic weak little instinct. It is the one thing that your kind can experience sufficient to power the Kumaresh Yar. Your hate is almost enough, but not quite." The black sphere crackled above her. I could see things moving inside, pushing, anxious to begin the invasion. "You can save her. You have the power. All you have to do is call upon it. You have the will. All you have to do is wish for your birthright, and it will be yours. Your female will live. You can serve the Old Ones. She will be given to you. They will show mercy upon you. Those that you . . . love"—she spit the word out in distaste—"will be spared, and allowed to live forever. You and yours will prosper for eternity. Your every desire will be granted. All you have to do is wish for it."

I held Julie in my arms and rocked back and forth. I knew that she was telling the truth. All I had to do to save her was to will it to happen. She would live. I would be granted power beyond my wildest dreams. Julie would live forever at my side.

"Make your choice quickly. It does not matter to me. Know this, our coming is inevitable. If we fail tonight, we will return and try again, as we have tried before. Eventually one of you mammals will make the right choice. It might as well be you. If you make the wrong choice, then I will bind your soul to the Kumaresh Yar so that you can suffer for eternity. Let me give you a little idea of what that will hold."

Pain so exquisite that I cannot explain. Suffering stretching on for infinity. Black icy solitude racked forever with hurt so great that there were not words for it in any language. The split second that she exposed me gave me a window into the unfathomable horror of it.

"And not just for you. Your love will share your fate." Julie convulsed as her unconscious mind was exposed to the horror. "Make your choice. Free her, or condemn her."

I held Julie and cried. I could not fight Koriniha. She could kill me with her thoughts. There were two paths before me. If I refused her, then Julie and I would be banished to an eternity of pain. If I did as she said, if I made the selfish choice, then everything I had ever wanted would be given to me. No more pain. No more suffering. The incredible feeling that I had possessed moments before would be mine forever.

I could see myself doing it, Julie by my side. The Old Ones coming seemed inevitable anyway. Why not? Julie's life was draining out while I hesitated. I would be king, and she would be my queen.

I would be king.

Of a dead world.

"I've made my choice."

Pitt starts scrambling to think of some kind of third option, but both he and Koriniha know that the Old Ones want him to try and use the power of the artifact against her. The power comes from them and is ultimately under their control. In the end, though, he doesn't need to choose as Machado rises up behind her and slams his axe through her back and out her chest. The black energy sphere above them starts pulsating and growing larger, threatening to encompass the whole pyramid.

quote:

My boots slipped in the puddle of blood from Thrall. We landed next to him. He was still and his lidless orbs stared into the distance. I began to lift Julie. We were too close to the whipping tentacles, and without the power of the Old Ones upon me, one furious strike would be certain death. I heaved her up into my arms.

Suddenly a red hand grasped my wrist.

"Wait—" Thrall croaked through his lipless mouth. I struggled to hear him over the storm. "—was wrong. Thou truly art a warrior without guile." His grasp was still amazingly powerful and he pulled me closer. "So much death . . . I give thee back one life . . ." He held up his other fist. Squirming between the muscle of his clenched fingers was a tiny bit of black energy, the last vestige of his unnatural immortality. It struggled to escape. He opened his hand and pushed it against Julie's neck. She gasped, her eyes suddenly flared open, then she passed back out. The ancient captain uttered one last thing, "Until Ragnarok . . . my friend."

The hand fell limply away. The last bit of power flew home like a bolt. I turned Julie's head. It was a blood-soaked mess, but I could no longer see the entrance wound. Thrall's lungs rattled as he gave up the ghost.

"See you in Valhalla," I whispered.

I honestly forgot that Thrall was supposed to be a Nordic mercenary. It's only mentioned in a single line all the way back in the initial flashbacks.

quote:

The sphere was only a few feet over the pyramid now. It blotted out the sky in its terrible majesty. Lord Machado and Koriniha still battled, more and more of their ichor being stripped away by the second, leaving only filthy bones and angry souls.

"Machado! I curse you!" Koriniha's skull screamed as her face was torn off. "Curse you!" She struggled in his tentacles as he forced her toward the sphere.

TOO LATE FOR CURSES . . . MY LOVE.

He thrust her body upwards. She broke the surface of the rift. The last bits of alien tissue were stripped away. Her skeleton quivered, and then exploded, the winds whipping bones about like missiles, snapping out into the forest and embedding into the trees. A jagged femur pierced the ivory next to my head.

Lord Machado's voice screamed inside my brain. His limbs were extended into the rift. It was a fatal connection. His flesh was stripped, withering, disappearing into the maelstrom. I covered my eyes as the black light began to sear my retinas.

There was a roar, followed by a wet explosion, a concussion of sound and fury. Bits of the Cursed One splattered across the pyramid, showering us in gore, and then all was quiet.

* # ? Jun 19, 2018 14:21
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Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

 Everything about Thrall is just the dumbest sort of thing.

Even his use of thee/thou is bad and wrong.

* # ? Jun 21, 2018 00:39
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014
The only good news is we’re finally at the end of the book. The ending is still hellishly long, but we’re there.

* # ? Jun 21, 2018 00:50
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Somebody Awful
Nov 27, 2011

BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED

Internet Wizard posted:

Even his use of thee/thou is bad and wrong.

Are you saying there's a use that isn't?

* # ? Jun 21, 2018 04:46
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Jarvisi
Apr 17, 2001

Green is still best.
So wait, the big bad villain was defeated by the side villain? And our hero did nothing?

* # ? Jun 21, 2018 13:28
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Orthodox Rabbit
Jun 2, 2006

This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!
 How the heck is there a whole series of these books

* # ? Jun 21, 2018 13:47
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chitoryu12
Apr 24, 2014

Jarvisi posted:

So wait, the big bad villain was defeated by the side villain? And our hero did nothing?

Pitt defeated who we thought was the main villain, who turned out to be a pawn of the real main villain, who was then killed by the guy who was actually the side villain because our hero accidentally ruined everything and could only be saved by the side villain coming back to life.

* # ? Jun 21, 2018 14:10
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# ? May 2, 2024 00:53
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Proteus Jones
Feb 28, 2013

chitoryu12 posted:

Pitt defeated who we thought was the main villain, who turned out to be a pawn of the real main villain, who was then killed by the guy who was actually the side villain because our hero accidentally ruined everything and could only be saved by the side villain coming back to life.

Wouldn’t that be the 2nd assistant side-villain (in casting terms)?

Main Villain = poor man’s Pizarro
Side Villain = MILF vampire
1st assistant Side Villain = Nazi vampire
2nd assistant Side Villain = That Viking mercenary/tattoo guardian thing

Oh, right. I almost forgot

Super Double Secret Probation Villain = dime store Cthulhu

Proteus Jones fucked around with this message at 14:20 on Jun 21, 2018

* # ? Jun 21, 2018 14:17
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